I collect jokes and cold jokes, please reply more ~ ~

One day, a rabbit unfortunately fell into a box and came out as a duck. Do you know why? Because there is a transformer in the box. . .

In the evening self-study, the teacher said: Don't think that I don't know that you play mobile phones ~ no one will stare at their crotch and laugh. . .

In the evening, my daughter called her mother anxiously: "Mom! He hasn't come back yet, there must be another woman! " Mother comforted softly: "silly child, be good, don't think the worst, something may have happened!" " "

Puppet made a girlfriend, full of joy. A few days later, my girlfriend suddenly said, puppet, I don't want to ML with you anymore. It hurts to be poked by sawdust every time! The sad puppet went to the carpenter to find a way. The carpenter said to him, this is very simple. You just need to sand it with sandpaper. A few days later, the speaker asked: Have you made up with your girlfriend? The puppet replied, "Who needs a girlfriend with sandpaper?"

I bought a notebook to show my grandmother. Grandma asked: What is this? I: This thing is very good. It has everything you want to know. Grandma: Is it so delicious? Let me ask you a few questions. Me: OK. Then open Baidu. Grandma: How much hair do I have? Me:-! I can't find it. Grandma: Where did your dead grandfather go? Me: Can I ask one more question, Grandma: How long can I live? Me: …! Grandma: I can't find anything ! !

Suddenly, I remembered a deskmate in junior high school. He is really a god. This god often doesn't wash his hands for days. His hands are black. Oh, my God. One day, the teacher asked me to check the overall hygiene, including personal hygiene. The next morning, the Great God still didn't wash as usual, and class was about to start. I was holding hands with him when I saw this great god borrow a tape from his former classmates, wrapped his hand tightly, and then pulled it away … His hand was white! White! White!

I saw a magic sticker today: Are urine and urine good friends? The first floor replied, no, they are not on the same road. The second floor replied, yes, but urinating is more loyal, and defecation is not always accompanied by urination, but defecation is always strong! !

A couple snuggled up sweetly in the park. Men can't help sneaking around when they see that women's hair is so supple. The woman said coily, "Alas! Hate! "

The man's heart itched even more and stole it again. The woman said, "Well, no!" " "

Hearing this, the man's heart was about to fly, and he touched it again. Suddenly, the woman stood up and said rudely, "don't touch it!" My wig is falling off! ! ! "

A couple is traveling together. When their train came out through the long tunnel, the man said, "If I had known the tunnel was so long, I would have given you a kiss!" " "

"My God!" The woman exclaimed, "Didn't you just kiss me?"

Lao Zhang went for an injection, and many people were waiting in the hospital.

Lao Zhang waited for a long time and was a little anxious. He went to the door of the injection room and listened: "Today is the last day of your internship. Let's make an evaluation! "

Hearing this, Lao Zhang got a fright. I wonder what an intern nurse has. Let me hide!

He went out for a walk and found no one in the hospital when he came back. He approached the injection room and heard "these children make the patient so miserable!" "

Lao Zhang was happy and went in and said, "Give me an injection!"

After seeing him, an old nurse smiled and shouted to the room, "The nurse who just failed, come out to make up the exam."

A girl in the class is tough and her hair color is natural brown (you should have seen this).

One day, a group of bored people began to discuss why her hair was yellow, saying, "Because my thoughts are overflowing ..." Everyone suddenly realized.

The woman then ran away.

My best friend and her boyfriend are first love. They are extremely pure, but occasionally a little evil, very cute ~ ~

Two people get together at Christmas. Boyfriend asked his best friend: wife is like a notebook, girlfriend is like a desktop. Do you know the difference?

The girlfriends have been puzzling for a long time, and consulting the sisters is fruitless.

Her boyfriend announced the answer: the notebook can be used in bed. ...

My best friend blushes, but my sister is black.

I'm bored with Christmas Eve. I rummaged through my best friend's mobile phone and found a note from my husband. I teased him and texted him: Honey, I want it tomorrow night. The other party replied, ok, I'll cancel my appointment for Christmas tomorrow first. Then, then my cell phone rang, and BF told me that he couldn't accompany me tomorrow.

When I went to work in the morning, on the bus, I found several people around me looking at me strangely. I ignored their eyes, fingers and whispers with a very fixed thinking. At this time, my only thought is to show them a sensational "Above the Moon" with a small room. Finally, an old lady pointed to my brother and said, little friend, are you wearing your clothes backwards? I looked down, yes, I put on the T-shirt inside, and then I realized that their strange eyes were just to look at 2B. I want to be a seven-foot man, and I can't stand the eyes of these amateurs. So I made an earth-shattering decision now. I took off my clothes and turned them back to wear them in front of the public. Just after undressing, I found that everyone's eyes changed again. How can I describe it to you? For example, they just looked at 2B implicitly, but now this look is absolutely naked and not implicit. Gee, I took a contemptuous look at this group of laity, and then looked down at my clothes. This bow, I finally understand why the eyes of this group of laity are so vivid. It turned out that the bra my daughter-in-law drew for me last night was still fresh in my mind ... so my head suddenly became empty, and there was only one voice left in my ear: horseshoe, horseshoe, Europe, Europe. ...

Dude's family is from Inner Mongolia. It is said that an Ordos boss (hereinafter referred to as "the boss" for the time being) came to Beijing to buy a Mercedes-Benz.

When entering the store, the boss asked: What model of Mercedes is the most expensive?

Mercedes-Benz Sales: We have the most expensive Mercedes-Benz S65 AMG.

Boss: How much is it?

Sales: 3 million.

Boss: OK! Take one and drive away today.

Mercedes-Benz Sales: Sorry, we don't have a car now, so we need to make a reservation.

The boss looked around and saw a Maibakh in the exhibition hall. It feels good.

The boss asked: What kind of car is this? how much is it?

Sales: Maibakh, 60 million yuan.

Boss: That's good. I'll take it.

And then pay to drive away.

A month later, the boss came to this Mercedes-Benz store again.

As soon as you enter the door, tell the salesman: Has S65 arrived? Give me a S65.

The salesman asked: Can you drive your Maibakh?

Boss: Forget it! Few people know each other when driving back. So they came to buy Mercedes again.

The boss of our dormitory is an awesome person. I saw the Jumping Egg Gate on the Internet some time ago, and I never knew what it was. I bought a cheap one at the supplies store in front of the school. Boy, it's no use. Everyone thinks his novelty will soon pass. But two days later, when we saw the boss making milk powder, he poured boiling water and put it in as a vibrator. . . After using it for about a week, we were really sick, so we stopped using it.

I thought life was calm again. Two days later, Xiaowu told us that when he saw his boss brushing his teeth, he tied the jumping egg to his toothbrush.

I rented a house by myself. After taking a shower last night 10, I sent a message to my girlfriend lying in bed as usual. After sending one, I was sleepy for a while. When I woke up, I found it was 12 o'clock. There were several messages sent by her in my mobile phone, which were nothing more than "Why didn't you reply" and "Are you asleep", so my brain shorted back one.

As a result, my girlfriend's mobile phone has been turned off until now. ...

When I was in high school, my classmates bought a music teacup, and the base rang at the sight of light. As a result, the base fell off and had to be put in a drawer. One day in class, forget it, open the drawer and see the light ring! Ring! Ring! Keep ... The teacher is angry. Whose cell phone is it? Students, look here! I had no choice but to sit by the window and throw the base beautifully! The classroom was as quiet as a dead silence, and both students and teachers froze. After a few seconds, the teacher came to her senses and said, don't be so cruel, right? ! It's too difficult. . . Be cruel. . Sisters worship eyes, tangled class …

A few days ago, after work, I was hot and thirsty, drank four cans of iced coke and walked on my way home.

I received a phone call from my girlfriend and was told to go to her house for dinner at night. Let my future mother-in-law taste my cooking, so she bought food.

I took a taxi to my girlfriend's house. When I arrived at her home, I found some relatives besides her parents. After we met, I took food.

When I entered the kitchen, I heard my girlfriend's aunt educating her cousin at the door: Look, men can't cook now, and they will never cook again.

You can't get a wife. Guys, you think this is the end, then you are wrong.

When I was pouring a spoon, my mother-in-law led a group of women in to watch. In the praise, I feel that the coke just now seems to be starting to work.

There seems to be gas coming out of the body in the middle and back. So I quickly spanked on the vibration and wanted to be silent.

But I was wrong! It's not loud, but my underwear is wet A small yellow stream ran through my thigh. I was wearing shorts that day.

Later, in that alley; A fool went to his mother-in-law's house to cook because of the legend of nerve incontinence.

I went to eat in the school cafeteria at noon today. We have Shaxian snacks here (everyone knows what I have eaten). I ordered a steamed dumpling. While the waiter was still cooking, I poured a plate of vinegar, found an empty table in the canteen and went back to get steamed dumplings. After I came back, I looked at my watch. God, I'm jealous! A clean uncle, I guess. Listen, nobody took it. Ok, I'll go back and pour another plate! GC is here, and I came back with vinegar. Shit! Where are my steamed dumplings? ! ! !

There is a little nephew who loves answering the phone. What happened next made me never leave anyone's home phone number again. Once my girlfriend called me at home and my little nephew answered. Girlfriend suddenly childlike innocence, thought of Doby's little nephew-nephew: who are you looking for? Girlfriend: I'm looking for you, nephew: Who are you? Girlfriend: I'm your aunt. My nephew was silent for a few seconds: Aunt Xiaoli? Then I called my nephew and asked him to ask the uncle's girlfriend before calling her name. He made it very clear that I went to my girlfriend to explain that Xiaoli was my sister-in-law, and my second brother's wife and girlfriend didn't believe me. I was in a hurry, so I put the phone through and asked him to repeat the list. It's my nephew who answered the phone-nephew: Who are you looking for? Girlfriend: I'm looking for you, nephew: Who are you? Girlfriend: I am your aunt. After a few seconds of silence, my heart was lifted. Kid: My uncle's girlfriend-whoosh, I smiled and looked at her girlfriend, and her face improved-girlfriend: I am your uncle Guang Guang's girlfriend, and my nephew was silent for a few seconds. The little girl came over and said, Oh, Xiao Li.

I went to college in a military medical school, and my classmates are generally very strong.

There is a classmate J, although he is not that kind of muscular man.

But you can feel that he has little fat, which is similar to the "lean meat" type.

It is said that there are often mosquitoes in the dormitory. One day, while J was reading, a mosquito flew to his forearm to suck blood and was seen by J.

J students are very patient, visually observing that mosquitoes have put straws into their bodies and drunk "Yi"!

Hold your fist at the same time (try it, the forearm muscles are tight at this time)

As a result, the mosquito's needle mouth was firmly stuck under the muscle contraction force of J.

It's stuck ...

on one's pins ...

this ...

Listen to the wrong lyrics funny encyclopedia

1, the theme song of Japan, have a rest, Geji, Geji, Geji, Auntie washes the spittoon. . . . .

2. There is a saying: "Drums and gongs". My dad has been listening to "big ass, cock up". He still wants to know, why are you sticking your ass up?

3. The first time I heard Zhao Yonghua's The Most Romantic Thing, the sentence "The most romantic thing I can think of is to grow old with you" I heard: "The most romantic thing I can think of is to sell computers with you!" At that time, I thought Zhongguancun was advertising.

4. Cheng Lin's The Journey to the West "The geese listen to my song, and the river kisses my face" was heard as "the uncle listens to my song, and the teenager kisses my face". I thought to myself, what kind of woman is this!

5. The theme song "Make me sad, make me intoxicated ..." always sounds "Make me sad, make me intoxicated ..." in Richie Jen's version of "The Condor Heroes". Alas, why do you always have a problem with the leading actor! ! !

6. Make a weight-loss advertisement on TV, put your hand on your waist, come out and shake it and say, "If you want to lose weight, why not use Sofitel?" Hear "if you want to lose weight, why don't you support it with your hands?" I thought, how can I lose weight just by holding it in my hand?

7. When Donald was a child, "Ah-oh, the performance began" and what he heard was: "Ah-oh, wild boar shit!

8. My colleague listened to Jeff Chang Shin-Che's Love Like Tide, and asked me doubtfully, "Why did he sing' Promise me you won't line up in the middle of the night'?"

9. The first time I listened to Tong Ange's Girl in Jelja, I was surprised and heard: "Wild donkey, mysterious wild donkey ~ ~ ~".

10 《 Listening to Mom's Past Stories 》: We sat next to a high grain pile ~ ~ ~

Listen: we are sitting next to a pile of tall bones ~ ~ The scene of piles of bones comes to mind, sweating like a pig!

1 1. Listen to Unforgettable Tonight: Bye, bye, see you in the morgue. .................................................................................................................................

12, I have listened to Elva Hsiao's "Love Title Song" for a long time. "I feel everything when I sing, so you are my title song." At that time, I always mistook this "opening song" for "Brother Zhu" or "Brother Pig". I wonder what this lyric means.

13, Eason Chan >; There is a saying like this: "There are thousands of doors, one person goes first", and every time I hear it, "From street to door, one person goes first".

14, there is a phrase "It rained all night" in Jay Chou's "Li Qixiang". I have been listening to it as "You are blind".

15, Stephanie's "Magic Capital" song has a sentence: "We are both wearing cloth gauze ..." What I hear is: "We are both wearing underpants ..."

16, a song in Jiang Meiqi said "It's not easy to laugh", and suddenly it became "It's not easy to pee". I don't know what happened to this MM!

17, Jay Chou's Love Before BC and Staring at My Picture, I always listen: You are my bowl of noodles!

18, Sammi Kao's Waiting for a Thousand Years, Water of West Lake, My Tears were listened to as Water of Daughter-in-law, My Tears, and Water of Washing Clothes, My Tears, alas!

19, Tao Jingying's "Sister Stand Up" and "Then Wait for Fall" is really easy to hear as "Then Wait for J》~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Sweating to death! !

20. The first sentence of Song of Macao, which was popular when Macao returned to China, said, "You know Macao is not my real surname." I always thought it was: "It's good not to eat me!"

2 1. I recently listened to "Sweet and Sour is Me" by Baby Zhang, a super girl, and heard that "... it's really me, and my desire is fresh every day" ... I was shocked. What a bold little girl consciousness! ! ! After listening to it several times, it turned out that "every day is new to me"

22. Listen to a sentence in Fish Leong: "I went to sleep as soon as I knew it, and I slept very quietly". I heard that it was "eat and sleep" and I exclaimed at that time: How can there be such vivid lyrics!

23, Sun Nan's "Be there or be square", I don't know what happened to my ears during that time. Every time I hear "Oh, be there or be square" in the climax of the video store, I always think it's-"Oh, Cambodia" ....

24. There is also a fire wind song played outside the university dormitory every day: "Big red sail, good wind", and I always hear it as "Big red sail, good sheep herding"

25. Listen to Zhang Mingmin's Country Road: Walking on a country road, the old cow who came back at dusk is my companion. I used to think that walking on a country road, the tortoise and the old cow were my companions.

Boyfriend and girlfriend showdown. W: Give me a reason to break up. M: We are not suitable. W: What's the matter? M: The gender is inappropriate.

Today, I spent 150 yuan on a very abstract hairstyle. After returning to the dormitory, I was strongly criticized by several roommates! At this time, a classmate who was silent for a long time concluded: "This hairstyle is very cost-effective! I only spent 150 yuan and cut my hair for 250 yuan. "

Children at risk are being taught how to deal with it on TV. I want to test my two-year-old son, so I pretend to faint and see what he can do! The son shouted, "Mom, Mom, what's wrong with you?" I opened my eyes with my hand and said, "Mom, are you really dead?" I waited for a long time, but I didn't hear anything from him. Through my narrowed eyes, I saw my son counting the money in his wallet. . .