43 super classic funny quotes, so funny

1. Master, you are the devil in my heart. The closer I am to you, the further away from the Buddha...

2. Say love loudly, because You never know which one will come first, tomorrow or the accident!

3. If I win 10 million, I will buy 30 houses to rent to others and collect rent every day. Wow Kaka~~fulfilling!

4. There is no need to leave me here, I have my own place to stay. I don't leave my grandfather everywhere, I go home and do housework.

5. I admire myself so much that sometimes I kowtow to myself when I look in the mirror!

6. Why do I always feel unhappy? Is it because when happiness knocks on the door, I am not at home?

7. I never hold grudges. I usually do it on the spot when I have grudges. Just reported it.

8. I am not RMB, how can I make everyone like me?

9. Only when you hold your hand do you know that your son is ugly, and your face will burst into tears. If you don’t leave, I will leave.

10. Cherish life--If God lets you live, then he must have his arrangements.

11. Lei Feng did not leave his name when he did good deeds, but he recorded everything in his diary.

12. The physical education teacher in junior high school said: Whoever dares to wear a skirt in my class again will be punished by making her stand on her head.

13. If you choose to look up at others at 45°, don’t blame others for looking down at you at 135°.

14. If you see the shadow in front of you, don’t be afraid, it’s because there is sunshine behind you!

15. I allow you to enter my world, but I will never allow you to walk around in it.

16. You never know when someone will say goodbye to you inadvertently and then never see you again.

17. How long is a minute? It depends on whether you are squatting inside the toilet or waiting outside the toilet...

18. The most charming person is "Master Kong". Thousands of people follow him every day.

19. I miss you so much that I can’t even eat. It’s so disgusting!

20. In fact, I used to be quite tall, but my height shrank due to frequent bathing.

21. No matter how awesome Chopin is, he can’t express my sadness!

22. Be happy while you are alive, because we will die for a long time.

23. Please don’t speak English in front of me in the future, okay?

24. Don’t come to me if you have nothing to do, and don’t come to me if you have something to do!

25. I like you so much. If you like me, you will die.

26. A man’s words are like an old lady’s teeth. How many of them are true? !

27. You will never see me when I am the loneliest, because when I can’t see you, I am the loneliest!

28. I heard that women are like clothes and brothers are like brothers and sisters. Looking back, I actually ran around naked for more than 20 years!

29. I’m in a bad mood today. I only have four sentences to say, including this sentence and the previous two sentences. I’m done!

30. The true meaning of an iron rice bowl is not to eat in one place for a lifetime, but to have food wherever you go.

31. Even if you are a piece of shit, one day you will meet a dung beetle. So you don’t have to worry too much about yourself today.

32. "Love" is a very strong word. The upper part of it is taken from the "change" of "abnormal", and the lower half is taken from the "state" of "abnormal".

33. In a few decades, we will meet, be sent to the crematorium, and burn to ashes. You will be in a pile, I will be in a pile, no one knows each other, and we will all be sent to the countryside to be used as fertilizer. .

34. The most touching words my dad said to me: "Son, study hard. Dad used to play mahjong for 10 yuan, but now in order to support your studies, he plays mahjong for 1 yuan." It’s a piece of cake.

”

35. Comrades: Don’t speculate in stocks. The risk is too great. It is safest to make tofu! If it is hard, it is dried tofu, if it is thin, it is tofu brain, and if it is thin, it is tofu skin. It's soy milk, it's stinky tofu! It's a sure win!

36. Girls! How can you find a donkey? After all, there are only a bunch of mules left.

37. The so-called beauty is 30% appearance and 70% grooming, 30% talent and 70% pretentiousness, 30% tolerance and 70% depression.

< p> 38. If you get off the chariot and make chopsticks, you won’t be alone!

39. I don’t even believe your words

40. The iron rooster will leave some. As for Rust, you are just a stainless steel rooster!

41. Count the stars with me. If you have a low IQ, just count the moon!

42. Question: What do you like about me? A little? Answer: I like you to stay away from me!

43. Before Zhuge Liang came out, why should I need work experience? 30 classic funny quotes p>

1. A seriously ill patient went to see a famous doctor. The nurse said to him: The doctor's schedule is full. It will take at least three weeks before it's your turn. What? Three weeks? The patient screamed, maybe I won't live until that time! Oh, that doesn't matter, the nurse said, you can ask your family to cancel the appointment on your behalf.

2. My son is working on the weekend. I arranged for the children to come to my house to play. My wife got up early, cleaned up the house, and made a lot of delicious food. I said no, a bunch of brats came, and my wife said, you don’t understand, maybe this is the case. This is your future daughter-in-law! I'll go and start early!

3. Xiaoliang was very naughty and went to the neighbor's orchard to eat strawberries, but the neighbor's aunt was caught. Question: What is your name? I want to tell your parents! Xiaoliang said calmly: No, my parents know my name.

4. Teacher: Our school is from the bottom. Starting from the semester, classes will be taught in English. Student A: Wow! We won’t understand. Teacher: Don’t worry about not understanding. To learn a language, you have to listen more. You will understand after a while when you listen to me. . Student B: But I hear the dog barking at home every day, and I don’t know what it is saying. 5. One day in class, a student deserted, and the teacher saw it and wanted to make things difficult for the student. : What shape do you think the earth is? Student: It is round. The teacher is not satisfied and asks: Why is the earth square? Student: You have the final say! /p>

6. A female colleague was seven months pregnant and couldn’t eat meat for some reason. Even scrambled eggs felt fishy. When she went to the hospital for a re-examination, she was reminded by the doctor to eat more meat. Otherwise, it will be very troublesome for the child to be malnourished in the future. Then the doctor paused for a few seconds and whispered to her: "Is it because your mother-in-law doesn't like you very much?" . . My best friend said truthfully: No, I just can’t eat meat and I feel sick when I eat it. . After hearing this, the doctor was stunned for a moment, and then said to her: Could it be that Tang Sanzang is what you are pregnant with?

7. Xiao Ming has always been proud that his father is a great engineer. One day, he met Xiao Hua and chatted with Xiao Hua. Xiao Ming said to Xiao Hua: Do you know the Himalayas? ? Xiaohua said: I know. Xiaoming said: My father built it. Hehe. Xiaohua was speechless at that time. He thought for a while and said: Do you know the Dead Sea? My father killed that.

8. My roommate has a 12-year-old sister who is fat and sweats all the time in the hot summer. When she is sweating profusely, she goes out to catch chickens. Because as soon as she caught the chicken, it flapped its wings crazily. Her sister said that the wind was strong and it was cool.

9. The school organized a spring outing. The teacher said: This spring outing, everyone must do group activities. , we can’t be like last time, two and two together, I’m embarrassed to say that you, this time we have to have at least ten people acting together! On the day of the spring outing, everyone performed well. Suddenly, I saw Zhang San holding his stomach and shouting: Who needs to go to the toilet? We have already organized nine people! !

10. My cousin’s daughter is a graduate student working in Shanghai. She is 31 and single this year. A matchmaker in her hometown introduced her to a guy who was said to be very handsome and a musician.

Then my cousin asked for leave and came back for a blind date. She was an old bachelor from the countryside who played suona at weddings and weddings. Her face turned blue with anger

11. Yesterday afternoon, when I was shopping with my wife, she suddenly asked me: Your ex-girlfriend and I Who has a good figure? When I was thinking about it, suddenly a guy behind me answered decisively: Hello! We turned around in horror, only to find a stranger. He was probably frightened by our expressions, and said in a trembling voice: Hello, could you please tell me how to get to Bayi Road?

12. The doctor comforted the patient and said: Please believe me, there is nothing serious wrong with you. You need fresh air and I suggest you take a walk and move around. What do you do? Postman, doctor. the patient answered.

13. During the pre-exam mobilization, the math teacher drank some wine and said on the podium: Teaching is a grand secret love. You work hard to love a group of people, but in the end you only move yourself. My students have abused me thousands of times, but I treat them like my first love. The deadline is almost over. I used to be afraid that I would not do well in the exam alone, but now I am afraid that a group of people will not do well in the exam. Dear classmates, if you never leave me, I will depend on you for life and death. If you give up on yourself, I will be powerless. Suddenly the whole class burst into applause. Teacher, you just fell in love!

14. A female man, we had dinner together a few days ago, and she was unhappy. When I asked her why, she said: I think I should find a boyfriend. Me: Stop making trouble, eldest sister, didn’t you say you want to be single forever? She said: I had a fight with some hooligans last week and my phone broke. Me: So you think if you find a boyfriend, you won’t have to fight with your own hands or break your phone? She glared: I mean if I have a boyfriend, he can hold my bag for me, and I can beat up those little hooligans with my hands and feet!

15. After the teacher sends the test papers to the students, he asks the parents to sign. Student Xiaomeng asked: Teacher, do you want your parents to sign, or your grandparents to sign? The teacher said: Whoever keeps his word in your family will sign it. After hearing this, Xiaomeng murmured to himself: So, I can only sign it.

16. Patient: I have been very forgetful recently. I forget what I just said as soon as I turn around! Doctor: How long have you been like this? Patient: How long has it been?

17. A buddy struck up a conversation with a beautiful woman on the road: Sister Mei, you are so beautiful. What do you do for a living? The beauty said: I work in service. This guy said happily: Ah, how I want to be your customer! Where do you work? The beauty said that I put makeup on the corpse at the crematorium. When will you come?

18. Someone teased a child: Are you your father or am I your father? The child said: You are your father! The man hurriedly said: Wrong! Think about it. The child tilted his head and thought for a long time, then asked doubtfully: Am I your father?

19. In a mental hospital, there were two mental patients. A said to B: I recently wrote a book, have you read it? B: I read it and it was very well written, but there were too many names in the book and I couldn’t remember them. At this moment, the dean came in and said: What are you two doing with my phone book?

20. Jack's screams came from the bedroom. His mother quickly ran in and saw that his 2-year-old sister was pulling his hair. The mother gently pushed her little daughter's hand away and comforted little Jack: She is still young and she doesn't know that it will hurt you. As soon as the mother walked out of the bedroom, the screams of her little daughter came again. What's the matter? Mom turned and rushed in and asked. Now she knows. Jack replied.

21. A woman had just given birth to a baby. During her confinement period, a group of best friends went to visit her. One of my girlfriends came over and said: Wow, he looks just like your husband! Another best friend said: Yes, they look very similar, especially when they are feeding, their eyes look so similar! Suddenly everyone was silent

22. One day, when Xiaofang came home from work, her son Xiaoqiang ran to her and said proudly: Mom, I have learned how to bargain! Xiaofang was puzzled and asked: What should you do? Xiaoqiang said: I took some scraps to the recycling station to sell them. The uncle who collected the scraps said it was one *** six yuan. I said it was too expensive, so he bought it for me for four yuan

23. The subway was so crowded when I went to work in the morning that the bread I bought was squashed. What the heck, I was in a much worse situation than you once. What, how is your bread squeezed? It's not bread. I wanted to fart, but it forced me to burp!

24. Mom: This girl is so pitiful! She lost her father and her best friend, the dog.

Betty, would you like to help her get your dog to her? Betty: Oh! Mom, why don't we give dad to her?

25. On Sunday, my brother-in-law took his nephew, who had just entered elementary school, to visit the Ape Man Cave in Zhoukoudian. He felt that it was time to provide his son with basic historical education, so he pointed to the ape-man model and asked: Do you know who your ancestors are? The nephew looked at him in surprise and replied: My grandfather? !

26. When the conductor asked to make up the ticket, the conductor asked: Where should I make up the ticket? Zhengzhou! Have any children? There is one. How old is it? Four and a half years old. Are you over one meter tall? It seems not. Come over there and see if it's overdue. ah? My child is at home! In my old... hometown? The conductor was stunned for several seconds. The emotional girl was naturally stunned!

27. The college composition class requires a ten-page paper discussing the meaning of being a human being. I tried my best to complete the homework, and the professor not only rated it as an excellent work, but also encouraged me to make a living from writing. In the second year, my boyfriend also took this course and had to submit a paper assignment of the same topic and length. He asked me for help. I gave him my old work for reference, and he copied it verbatim and submitted it to the paper. When the paper was sent back, the professor wrote on it: How is your girlfriend doing?

28. In the chemistry class, the teacher told the students: When thunder occurs, the oxygen in the air will combine to form ozone, a gas with an unpleasant smell. A classmate who believed in Jesus suddenly realized it and said: No wonder people say that thunder is God farting. It turns out it is true!

29. The matchmaker said to the girl: That young man is really good, he is strong, he likes wild survival and camping activities, and he also has chest hair. The girl said to the matchmaker: Can he walk upright?

30. Once I had a quarrel with my classmate. Both of us were very unhappy. During class, my phone vibrated. When I opened it, I saw that it was from my classmate. I was sorry and I was about to reply to his text message. As a result, 2B immediately raised his hand and said: Teacher, he is playing with his mobile phone in class. 35 classic funny sentences and quotations, super funny

1. I fell in love with you at first sight and sobered up at second sight.

2. My sister is a civilized person, and all swear words have been disinfected with saliva

3. I went to ask for Buddhist beads in the afternoon, and the young monk told me: The abbot has gone to purchase some.

4. The first guy who knew that milk can be drunk, what did you do to the cow?

5. As long as you are thin, you can do anything. If you are fat, everything is useless.

6. Men are strong-willed, but women are also confused when they cheat.

7. Life is like a pressure cooker. You'll get used to it when you're under too much pressure.

8. Both time and marriage will make a man mature, but time simmers slowly, while marriage stirs up quickly.

9. The so-called perfect marriage is: the man is finished and the woman is beautiful.

10. Some people look much better when wearing facial masks than in real life.

11. The most valuable thing for a person is to know how much you weigh. If you don’t know how much you weigh, would you try to stand on the big scale? The weight doesn't move.

12. I swore that I would cut off my hands if I went online again, but I found out that I was the Thousand-Armed Guanyin.

13. Whoever delays me for a while, I will make him regret it for the rest of his life.

14. Wenhui! Wenhui! Listen! I'm peeing.

15. The furthest distance in the world is from Monday to Friday.

16. You said that ice is like sleeping water, but I only remember sighing that farts are like shit...

17. Cannonball’s head was also combed with lightning strikes.

18. Life is like poop, and we are intoxicated in it like dung beetles.

19. You insist on making Audrey Hepburn into a street girl.

20. The Smurf sings to Avatar: "When I grow up, I will become you."

21. If I die, my first words will be: I finally don’t have to be afraid of ghosts.

22. I drank to drown the pain, but this damn pain learned to swim.

23. If my life were a movie, you would be the advertisement that pops up.

24. The success of a person’s life depends on the memorial service.

25. Pretending is only for a moment, being shameless is eternity

26. The three idols of my childhood: Lei Feng, Zhang Haidi, Xiaobing Zhang Ga. Referred to as "Reddy Gaga".

27. Others laugh at me for being too lewd, but I laugh at others for not being open-minded.

28. Women become more and more casual as they age.

29. Some people have nothing to do with me even if they die. There are some people that I can’t let go of even if they kill me.

30. When I get angry, I want to buy something. When I buy something, I have to spend money. When I spend money, I get less money. When I get less money, I get angry.

31. If people are not mean, I will not be mean. If people are mean, I will be even meaner.

32. Raise your head at 45° just to prevent the nose from leaving, lower your head at 45° just to Wipe your nose without being seen.

33. I saw a penny on the side of the road. Just as I was about to bend down to pick it up, it turned out to be phlegm. Damn...who could vomit so roundly?

34. If I could Forgive you for being vulgar, but can you forgive me for being pretentious?

35. The so-called difference in values ????is: given a candle, some people will feel that a cake is missing, and some people will feel that a whip is missing. The humorous stories in the circle of friends are so funny

1. I want to get drunk and then call you to tell you that I love you.

2. Suddenly I remembered a very domineering sentence: "Is there anyone who loves me? Stand up and let me love you.

3. In the current situation, I am wasting time and squandering Time, I am blurring the present, and I am afraid of the future.

4. Being soft-hearted is a disease, and it will kill you if it is not cured.

5. A gangster who only plays gangsters on his wife is a good gangster. p>

6. It’s so interesting to live, and you will die as long as you live.

7. The most embarrassing thing I still remember when I was a child was kissing me while watching TV with my parents.

8. Spending money hurts happiness. Living in every corner around me, paying utility bills hurts, buying daily necessities hurts, even sending text messages hurts; making money hurts. The happiness is rolling back and forth in my blood. My head hurts when I work overtime, and my body hurts when I am busy with work. It would be great if I could get a salary increase!

9. Making money is a drizzle, but spending money is like a snowflake. Empty. Grit your teeth, stamp your feet, hold your wallet tightly and run away. I wish my friends good luck in their careers, abundant wealth, and countless money.

10. Because cow dung can make your hands cramp. Make flowers more colorful! So flowers are always placed on cow dung!

11. If you realize that you are not that important in other people's hearts, you will be much happier.

12. , I want to become a sea of ??fat and drown all the fat people who show off.

13. I am me, with my own romance and determination!

14. Please do not harass me. Harassing others.

15. There is a kind of silence called domineering, a kind of reservedness called personality, a kind of simplicity called deepness, and a kind of disdain called self.

16. Have time to learn. Feng Shui aside, having a good tomb after death can make up for the regret of not being able to afford a good house during life.

17. Life is like this, he is teasing you, but you take it seriously.

18. My boyfriend went to seduce my best friend. He said, I actually wanted to make you jealous. How ridiculous and ignorant. My best friend went to tease my boyfriend, but she said, I actually wanted to test you. Do you think I'm stupid, haha...

19. One day, a beautiful woman asked me for directions. I swear I have never seen such a beautiful girl... I don't know if I am nervous or attracted. I was so excited that I told her my home address.

20. In this life, don’t be too cold in winter, don’t be too hot in summer, and don’t pretend to be poor if you are rich. Don't show off your money. Instead of frowning, it's better to keep your friends in mind and live a happy life.