Who can give me 30 funny messages?

You eat or don't eat snacks, and your face is there, not sad or happy; Whether you drink coke or not, your waistline is there, whether you come or not; You run, or you don't run, the weight is there, neither increasing nor decreasing; You lose weight, or you don't lose weight, the meat is on you, don't give up; Come to the fat man's arms, or let the fat man live in other people's hearts, silently want to eat, hold back, struggle, tears collapse!

Have you said what girls like to hear? 1, do it yourself; 2, casually; Didn't I tell you earlier? 4. You should ...; 5. Talk about it later; 6. I can't be nice to you; 7. You can find something better than me; 8. I can't help it if you think so; 9. You think too much; 10, that's it; 1 1，En； 12, the number you dialed is busy; 13, it doesn't matter; 14, oh; 5. I was wrong.

Don't provoke Sun-a few years ago, a shelter in Guangzhou killed Sun Zhigang, and as a result ... 100 years ago, the Qing Dynasty provoked Sun Yat-sen, and as a result ... more than 1,000 years ago, during the Three Kingdoms period, Cao Cao provoked Sun Quan, and as a result ... more than 2,000 years ago, during the Warring States Period, Pang Juan provoked Sun Bin, and as a result .. In the Spring and Autumn Period more than 2,000 years ago, the love of the prince of Wu angered Sun Wu, and as a result. ...

A colleague's child 1 many years old. At work, he received a phone call from his daughter-in-law, so he had the following conversation: Husband, our son can call him Dad. Colleague: What? Who did he call dad when I was away?

What can teachers do after changing careers? You can be a policeman-because you solve crimes in your class all day; You can be a host-because you think about the games and tricks of open classes all day; You can be an actor-because you are kind at one moment and furious at another; You can engage in arts and crafts-because you write blackboards all day to decorate the classroom; You can be a writer-because you always write plans and lesson plans; You can set up a stall-because you have developed a high voice and thick skin.

The husband works outside and writes to the wife who stays behind: Dear wife, the global economic crisis has affected her income. If she has no money to remit it to you, send a hundred kisses. Soon, the wife wrote back: Dear husband, the kiss has been received, and the cost is as follows: 1, the principal of doll 20, the child does not have to pay for school; 2. Give 10 electrician, and there will be no power outage at home; 3. Plumber ... [It's a little cold. . . ]

A tangled life ① I want to have a holiday when I go to school, and I want to go to school when I have a holiday; Junior high school wants to go to high school, high school wants to go to college, college wants to graduate, and wants to go back to school after graduation; 3 I want to fall in love when I am single, and I want to be single when I am in love; When I was 4 years old, I wanted to grow up quickly. When I grew up, I wanted to go back to my childhood. I kept shouting to lose weight, but I forgot everything in front of food.

You decide to chat online, which is called starting a business; Looking up, there are so many MM, which means that the market potential is great; But there are many GGs, which is called fierce competition; So you decide to attract MM's attention, which is called positioning; You say you are handsome and rich, which is called hype; You ask "who wants to chat with me", which is called advertising; You asked, "Are there any beautiful women?" This is the so-called market research. There are 20 people who answer "I am a beautiful woman" at the same time, which is called bubble economy.

Eight ideas of men: one thinks that the garage is free; Second, long live being single; Third, I want to double my salary; Fourth, I want beautiful women to team up; Five think that alcohol and tobacco are not wasted; Sixth, the stock is not refundable; Seven, think of it and sleep; Eight want to cheat without feeling guilty! Men's sorrow: career is national, honor is unit, achievement is leadership, salary is wife's, bonus is lover's; Property belongs to children, only endless pressure and extraordinary endurance are their own. .

There is a song that has fooled everyone for more than ten years. I don't believe you sing: you carry the burden, I lead the horse, and think back to the division of labor in Journey to the West. Friar Sand carries the burden and Wukong leads the way. Who leads the horse? Who sings who is Bajie!

As a college student who will take the final exam, you are willing to make learning your partner in the remaining ten days. No matter whether you are rich or poor, whether you are on your computer or mobile phone, no matter how sleepy or tired you are, you will always think of her, miss her, take not failing the exam as the driving force, never give up, never be decadent and face it happily. Would you? Yes, I have!

The insidious class teacher arranged for a pair of deskmate lovers to sit at the same table with the most handsome and beautiful men and women in the class, making them jealous of each other and finally breaking up. ...

The mainland will launch a fake version of Taiwan Province province's ace variety show Kangxi. The host tentatively named Wang "Yalai". I also want to match a knowledgeable hostess like Cai Kangyong. Among the candidates, Ni Ping is the most likely, and the program may be renamed Ni Yalai. The third place will be played by a man, and Bai will be the most ideal candidate for his humor, sincerity and sharpness. By then, the title of the program will be even more "Ni Lai"

Time is like a pencil sharpener. We are all pens. Some people roll around and their pens are broken; Some people have sharp heads; Some people have beautiful lace. It doesn't matter. Importantly, the highest social status is a pen called 2B. Only they can do multiple-choice questions, and we. ...

Dad put his son to bed and went back to the bedroom to get ready for bed. "Dad!" Cried the son. "May I have a glass of water?" "You just drank it! Go to sleep, I have turned off the lights! " Five minutes later ... "Dad! I'm thirsty, can't you give me a drink? " "I just said! You let me hit you again! " Five minutes passed ... "Dad!" "What's the matter?" "Be sure to bring a glass of water when you come to hit me."

The teacher said to the students: Finally, whoever can answer the teacher's next question correctly will be the first to go home from school. Teacher Xiao Ming threw a textbook. The teacher was angry, rubbed his head and said angrily, who did it? ! "me!" Xiao Ming quickly replied, "Teacher, can I go home?"

Airport ticket inspection. "Sir, what is this scar on your face?" "When my mother had a caesarean section ..." (Xie 107)

Last night, there was a power outage at home. It's so boring. I left my laptop on all night until there was no electricity. At 3 am, I swam to KFC. After entering the door, I said to the clerk: Is there a power outlet? Shop assistant: No. What would you like to order? Me: Hey, forget it. I don't eat, I just need to recharge. Say that finish, the clerk paused, and I turned to go out. Before going out, I heard him say: robots are so awesome now. ..

Her former boss asked her to send her a courier. When she saw that the address was wrong, it read:No. ××× Moire Building, Hangzhou. Where is Wenxuan Building? Ask the boss if the address is wrong. The boss looked at it and said with certainty, "Yes, that's what I said on the phone. One army a day. " Colleagues are gesticulating there, damn it, if it isn't Wen Hui Building. . .

The two are discussing academic qualifications. One said: after I graduated from master's degree. The other party said: I am a postdoctoral fellow. Then a voice sounded: I am born after 90. Both of them stopped talking, probably thinking about it, so let's take advantage of the young. Then another voice sounded: I have a thick skin.

A man met a fortune teller and asked for divination.

The fortune teller stared at a man for a long time and said, "You are the father of two children."

A man said contemptuously, "that's your idea. I'm the father of three children!" " "

The fortune teller said contemptuously, "that's your idea!" " "【 fortune teller said a cup of sex. . . ]

The university can have four weeks each semester. In the first week, I will take out my books and concentrate on reviewing. In two or three weeks, I will have an exam in the fourth week ... and then I will have a holiday.

Which singer teaches students how to pass the exam in the song? . . . . .

The answer is Justin Bieber. . . Because. . . . Recite it ~ recite it ~ oh ~ recite it ~. . . (A grain of rice in a cage)

In America, anyone can run TV, but the government can't. In America, you can find all kinds of newspapers and magazines, but you can't find "party newspapers and magazines". In America, anyone can find a mistress, but not a government official. In the United States, anyone's income can be kept secret, but the income of government officials must be made public. In America, people can live, breathe and express their dissatisfaction freely. Only the government has no freedom and is locked in a cage.

There are thieves in the community who often lose their cars. On this day, Uncle Li bought a new mountain bike. In the evening, he put three big locks on the tires and posted a note: See how you steal. The next morning, Uncle Li was going to go out by bike. He was very proud to see the car in the hood. He looked at it carefully. There are more locks and a note on the car: see how you ride.

Teach your husband a lesson from his wife who is famous for being strict. Don't cheat his wife like a playboy. The husband vowed: "I have the heart but no courage;" Have courage and no money (money); With that money, I dare not take that risk. We can't lose that man, and now we can't lose that eye. Madam, please rest assured that I dare not kill my husband! "

There is a couple going on a trip. I want my husband to go first because my wife has something to do. After the husband arrives, he wants to send a message to his wife to report his safety. He accidentally dialed a wrong number and sent it to a woman's mobile phone, whose husband just died. The lady finished reading this message. Oh, I used to smoke, and my family took my cell phone. I saw it read; Honey, I have arrived safely. The scenery here is beautiful and pleasant. Come on, I'll wait for you.

Whose wife is better together, Guo Jing, Ling Huchong, Yang Guo or Wei Xiaobao? Guo Jing: "My wife would rather break up with her father for me." Ling Huchong: "My wife would rather be locked up in Shaolin Temple for me." Yang Guo: "My wife would rather jump off a cliff for me." Wei Xiaobao didn't say a word, with an expression on her face. The other three looked back. It turns out that Shuang'er is asking Huang Rong, Ren Yingying and Xiaolong for her cell phone number.

Really rich people: no longer talk about many projects, but a few listed companies; No longer talk about how much money, but a few politicians and friends; No longer ask how many cars, but ask a few drivers; Don't ask about the area of buying a house, just ask about the courtyard area; Don't order, order the chef; Don't ask the brand when wearing clothes, ask the tailor of which country; Don't ask which country to buy a house, ask which dynasty; When you marry a wife, don't look for what is in front of you, order what is on TV.

Two friends, A and B, hired a taxi. A asked, "How much is it to Central Park?" Driver: "10 yuan." A asked again, "What about going with friends?" Driver: "10 yuan." A said to B, "I told you, you are worthless."

Conan Jun said excitedly that 585 episodes have finally entered the second semester of primary school! ! ! It's not easy, our ten years, one semester for you! ! ! Has it