Collect jokes

1, I once rented A Jin Tianyi in Manba, and I burst into tears as soon as I saw the second page. I don't know who drew a circle on a character with a blue ballpoint pen and wrote, this is the murderer. ...

2. I couldn't find my mobile phone at my friend's house that day, so I borrowed my friend's girlfriend's mobile phone and dialed it to hear where it was. Enter my number, press the dial key, and my name saved by her will be displayed on the screen: SB3 (then I feel relieved, fortunately I am the third runner-up ...)

3. I had a group meeting at school today and suddenly sneezed unexpectedly. I looked up and found my nose on the back of the girl in front. The woman didn't notice, so she secretly wanted to help her wipe it off. Just as she reached out, the girl next to her found it and shouted, "How can you wipe someone's nose?" ! ? "

When I was in college, my classmates had dinner and drank one cup after another, and then my stomach reacted. . .

I threw up when I rushed to the toilet and didn't stand firm. . . .

Rustling mouth to go back and sit down, nothing happened.

After a while, my friend got up and said that he wanted to go to the toilet.

I kindly advised: "Don't go, someone just threw up, it's disgusting."

5. Get on the bus in the afternoon, take out the bus card and bump into the slot.

When I was in middle school, I didn't do my homework well once. I have to redo two words recognized by the teacher in the exercise book.

Go to buy breakfast the next morning, and then give the exercise book to my deskmate and ask him to hand it in for me.

The most classic place appeared, and his old man wrote after redoing it, stop doing it. Hand it in,

Then comes the tragedy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

What's more tragic is that he told me that he would graduate soon.

7. Walking behind a crowded street, there was a sudden whistle. Before I could react, a Buick commercial vehicle hit my shoulder. I didn't get angry, just gently took out the key and drew a beautiful line from beginning to end during its progress.

8. Buy socks at the stall, one pair at a time, which is cheap. I wanted to buy 30 pairs, but only the same black style was left. The sock seller told me that one color was good, and no one could tell if one was missing ... I thought it was right, so I bought 30 pairs. ....

So I change it every two days. ...

As a result, almost two months later, my deskmate couldn't stand it anymore and said, you are so lazy. Why don't you even say change a pair of socks every two months?

Me: ....

9. The temperature has dropped recently. I saw a Hercules on the highway, driving a convertible and wearing a motorcycle helmet.

10, on a whim, I used my photo as a computer desktop … and then the computer was poisoned …

1 1, talking in a dream together in high school

"Love the princess, love the princess, don't leave me."

I was stunned. ...

soon

"I am not reconciled, I am not reconciled."

I just had a breakdown. ...

12, tell me about my wife.

The day before yesterday, my wife found a financial software online, so I gave her the computer. I watched. My wife skillfully opens www.google.com, enters "Baidu" in the search bar, and then opens Baidu in the search results to continue looking for what she wants-+

Now, I always tell my wife what I am looking for. Go to Google Baidu ...

Soap, I used it less than two days. When I wanted to use it again at night, I found that it was half thin and there were soap bubbles on it, which made me vomit blood.

My dad also said that your soap is really easy to use, and it is slippery after taking a shower.

24. The first time I went to eat Italian pizza, I didn't know what to eat, so I ordered a set meal in 8 yuan, 38 yuan, and brought a cheese.

After dinner, I found something missing. I thought there was a piece of cheese missing, so I shouted, "Waiter, why hasn't my cheese been served yet?" I ate it all. Should I let others eat it?

Waiter: Sir, your cheese has been poured on your pizza. ...

Me: Nothing, you go and get busy. ...

25. When I returned to the dormitory at noon, I saw coke in the cup and drank it all at once. I was depressed after drinking it. It turns out that the buddy in the dormitory ate jiaozi and bought a bag of vinegar. There was nowhere to pour, so he put it in my cup. . .

26. Teachers like to devote themselves to this topic. One day, the teacher said, "My base radius is 20cm, and my height is 50cm, so I …" Someone replied, "I'm a fool …"

27. I am quite forgetful. I forgot to turn off the gas after taking a shower last night. ...

Then my mother helped me clean up the mess and said, so you must never commit a crime, because you will definitely leave behind criminal evidence. ...

28. After going to physical education class one day, I was hungry and ran to the restaurant to eat. There were too many people, too crowded and chaotic. I shouted to my aunt who cooked rice: "My meal is fast!" Aunt shouted to the cook inside, "Come into the house quickly! Beggars are impatient.

29. When I was looking for my pocket, I dropped a key. I didn't find it at that time, so I went back to find it!

There was a couple on the roadside, and the man suddenly said excitedly, Whose is it? Whose is it?

I thought it was the key. Say it quickly, mine, mine! this is mine

Only later did I know that the woman was pregnant. . . .

Pity my face. . . It hurt for a few days

30. I am a real person next door to Senior Two. ..

A is sleeping in class. ...

Be discovered by the teacher

He was angry. He asked A to solve the problem in front of the blackboard. .....

If you can't write, prepare to humiliate A in public.

In fact, Teacher A began to sour him before he went to the blackboard. ..

It's a shame to dare to sleep in class with such poor grades.

Is your head at home ... do you sleep all day? ...

I didn't expect that he could write ... and solve it beautifully. ...

The teacher is a little embarrassed ... so we have to put him back in his seat and leave him alone. ....

I didn't expect him to choke the teacher. ....

I'm going to sleep first.

Ask me if there will be any in the future.

3 1. My brother went to a primary school to play basketball and heard a junior girl ask a junior boy, "Do you love me or not?" The boy said helplessly, "My mother gives me 3 yuan a day, of which 2.5 yuan is for you to buy snacks. Do you think I love you or not? " ..

32. In other words, my girlfriend works as a summer job and sells mobile phones in a mobile phone plaza.

One day at noon, at lunch time, there was almost no one in the shop. An uncle came to the counter next to my girlfriend to look at the mobile phone. It's just that the MM at that counter hasn't eaten yet, and she looks dizzy. He didn't get up and put his head on the counter with his arm, because MM's chest (crab) is bigger. Uncle looked at it and suddenly found that he could see MM's chest (crab) ditch. Buy a mobile phone when you have seen enough. ...

Without saying anything, Uncle bought a mobile phone and ran away. ...

According to a friend, a relative of one of his colleagues came to Xiamen and got on the bus. The man showed the electronic cartoon to the driver, looking for a place. The driver stopped him and said, "Look at the card". He picked up the E comic and read aloud: "Xiamen E comic ~ ~". The driver said, "Look over there". This man.

34. One day, I was defecating in the toilet (toilet in school dormitory, squatting position). Squatting for too long, my legs are a little numb, so I hold my hand against the door to keep my balance, and then I feel another stool coming out, so I start to exert myself. Unconsciously, I also used my hands. Result. . . . . I x, the door lock was broken, so I came out.

Can you think of what your classmates saw outside? ! A naked classmate suddenly rolled out of the toilet and was sprayed with poop by his PP, which was absolutely shocking! ! ! And people on the same floor basically know each other, I x! ! I can't hold my head in front of these classmates in my life. ...

35. My husband took me to work in the morning and left. Then I suddenly received his short message: "I just sent that bitch away, and I'll find you right away, dear."

36. In the morning, there was a MM wearing a mask sitting next to the bus, and it was a window seat. Isn't the flu fierce now, so I don't feel anything. Everyone knows that there are many people in winter, and the bus windows are closed, so the smell on the bus is naturally worse. Everyone is frowning. But that MM's expression naturally saw that she took out a straw from her pocket and put it on the corner of her mouth, opened the window a crack, and greedily sucked the air outside. . . . . This move is by no means ordinary people. =

Our math teacher always likes to pretend to be humorous and tell jokes that nobody laughs at.

Our whole class discussed making fun of him, and when he said the first sentence in class, we all laughed in unison.

He came that day and silently said that his father had passed away.

I laughed at once, and everyone else was silent.

38. Go to the supermarket?

I saw a cashier carefully counting a pile of coins.

A child ran over and sang: A flock of ducks passed by the bridge in front of the door. Count it, 24678. . . .

Then the cashier was very depressed and poured the half-counted coins back and counted them again. ....

39. When I was living in high school, a classmate came home and asked him to bring something for me, so he sent a short message: Burn me some clothes and money.

40. Dating my girlfriend, I saw someone in front who looked like my girlfriend, so I went up and patted her ass.

She slapped me as soon as she turned her head.

Then someone patted me on the shoulder. ...

My girlfriend slapped me as soon as I turned my head.

4 1, I suddenly received a phone call that day: "Guess who I am? Guess there is a gift! "

I guessed all possible people, and they were wrong. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who are you? Don't say I'm dead! "

As a result, the man said, "I'm a courier, and you have a package ..."

I vomited blood at that time.

43. I am a nurse. One day I was working the night shift. In the middle of the night, I suddenly remembered that my vegetables were confiscated. I was afraid of being stolen, so I called my sister and asked her to collect it for me. By the way, I stole some others' and gave the patient oral medicine after the phone call. I entered the room gently, patted the patient gently, and said gently, Grandpa, get up and steal the food!

44. I made crabs last night. After the water boiled, I threw the crabs into the pot one by one. Crabs are fresh and turn around in the pot.

My wife is careful and kind, and she can't see this, so she hides behind me and covers her eyes.

I said with relief, Jia Jia, are we too cruel?

Wife: Hmm. ............................................................................................................................................................................

45. I took the bus today, and the driver at one stop asked, "The back door is closed!" No one answered, so he closed the back door and started. This is a girl's faint voice in the carriage: "Open the door!" The driver braked angrily, suddenly opened the back door and shouted, "Get off quickly!" "Everyone in the car looked at the back door, but no one got off for a long time. They looked at each other inexplicably.

At this time, the woman in the car TV sent another voice: "Open the door!" "

46. I farted on the bus

Seeing people waving around, their faces are full of pain.

I also waved.

The lady next to her turned and said, stop pretending.

47. The Dragon Boat Festival is coming. The company distributed a box of milk and a bag of good Thai fragrant rice. A female colleague in the company asked me to help him move home after work. Downstairs, his colleague told me, "No one answered the phone. Please wait for me downstairs. I'll go up and have a look. If my husband were here, I would ask him to come down and move it. If he is not here, I have to ask you to help me carry it up. " We are all friends, and I nodded without saying anything.

After a while, the female colleague stood on her balcony and shouted, "Come up!" " "

I didn't hear or respond at first. I heard my female colleague shout, "Hello! My husband is not at home, hurry up! "

When this statement came out, it shocked the neighbors. They all just came home from work, and there are people at home. Everyone ran to the balcony to watch. I'm not in public, I'm not in the next place, and I haven't left, NND. There are still many people in that neighborhood who know me. I want to remind her not to shout, "What are you talking about?" . Who knows that the female colleague not only didn't respond, but also thought I didn't hear you clearly. She put her hand over her mouth and made a trumpet. Word by word, she shouted louder, "Did you hear that? My husband is not at home, please wait quickly! "

48. There are frequent scandals in Wuhan University. I don't know if this counts. Wuhan University has a Zhouyi class. The teacher came in with a compass and walked around the classroom. Then, he spit out a sentence: students, it is not appropriate to have class today. Let's finish school.

49. One day at 4 o'clock in the middle of the night, a friend called and said, "Well, I just saw a missed call on your mobile phone last year, so I called to ask you what you wanted."

I was speechless at once.

50. In primary school, one of my male classmates picked up a piece of paper while walking and opened it. That's a piece of paper with a curse on it. It says that if you don't copy the contents of this paper 50 times tomorrow and send it to others, you will die an ugly death, and so on. Scared by my classmates, I quickly copied 50 copies overnight when I got home. The next day, I sent it to others. At first, I sent several copies, but later everyone knew what it was, and said nothing about the paper he handed me. So the morning passed, and he still accumulated dozens of copies in his hand.

In the first music class in the afternoon, the teacher happened to call his name and let him sing. Only the little boy stood up with tearful eyes and said simply, "People are dying ... how can they be in the mood to sing?" .

5 1. After graduating from a high school, my classmate went to the highway intersection as a toll collector. One day, a Japanese man came to his window and asked for directions. Japanese fluent English made him unable to understand a word, but a strong sense of patriotism told him not to lose face in front of the Japanese, so he just smiled and nodded, "Yes, yes, yes ~!" "Then the Japanese rode his bike on the highway!

52. My wife and I went to the Reclining Buddha Temple to play. My wife can't walk on the road, so I carry her on my back.

An old woman saw it and said seriously, you see, you are also a scholar. My wife is ill, so it's no use going to the hospital earlier.

53. When the students traveled to the top of the mountain, a girl stood on the top of the mountain with great excitement and shouted: Motherland, my mother! Then a boy who secretly loves this girl shouted excitedly: motherland, my mother-in-law!

54. My house is rented to a Japanese guest. One day, a guest called me and said in fluent Chinese, "Sang, the natural gas at home is running out. Can you help me add it?" Since guests seldom bother me, I especially hope that I won't be inconvenienced by the house, so I asked, "Sang, are you dead now?" @ # ......% @ #, I felt something was wrong when the words came out. Fortunately, I am Japanese and don't understand the essence of Chinese. I actually replied, "I'm not dead yet. I think I'll die in three days!" " (o！ o)

When I was in primary school, I only had a few cents of pocket money every day. Once I saved money for a few days and finally bought a pack of spiced melon seeds. In class, I secretly broke them all, and the melon seeds were put in the desk drawer. When I came to class in the afternoon, I looked at the melon seeds and stuffed them in my mouth. It felt good. .

When class was over, a classmate asked me what to eat, so I had to say eat melon seeds. I bought spiced melon seeds specially, and only the shell without meat is delicious. . As a result, a group of classmates gathered around my seat that afternoon and ate the melon seeds I licked twice. . . .

56. At school, the school was a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a freshman seemed to be the class representative of a pile of homework and asked me, "Where is the math office?"

"Next to the men's room." The math office is really next to the men's room, but on the left.

The man walked to the right of the men's room and shouted "Report" at the door.

There was a pause, and there was a voice "No Entry"!

57. After military training in senior high school, the first day of class is Chinese class.

I didn't rest at the same table, so I slept in class.

The teacher saw, "Students who are sleeping,

Please answer this question. "

My deskmate woke up with a tingle. "I won't ..."

Teacher: "concentrate on the class and stop sleeping."

Sit down! Then student 53 comes to answer this question. "

The deskmate stood up again: "Teacher, I won't ..."

The teacher fainted. "Sit down, and then the students will answer!" The deskmate stood up and said, "Teacher, I really can't!" "

"Sit down! The representative of the Chinese class answered me! "

The deskmate stood up again: "Teacher, I am the representative of Chinese class ..."

58. When I got out of the carport and got the car, I saw no one around, so I bravely put a P, which caused a loud noise from the burglar alarm of the electric motorcycle next door.

59. By bus, I sit in the front row by the window.

Half an hour later, I put my head out of the window.

There's another buddy in the back row, his head sticking out of the window.

I shouted to him, "Hold your head up."

That buddy doesn't seem to be a fuel-efficient lamp either. He squinted and said, "Go ahead, it's none of your business."

I chickened out, and that guy chickened out. I turned to him and said very politely, "Please don't stick your head out of the window again."

I put my head out of the window for the second time.

I guess that guy has special self-esteem. He thinks you can reach out and I can reach out, so he sticks his head out of the window again.

I can't hold it any longer. Oh, that boy's face is covered with dust.

The buddy screamed, and my friend next to me, with a big waist and a round waist, said to the buddy, "What do you mean, you were greeted?"

60. I like playing football in high school. GF often watches me play ball. Once I was practicing shooting, she ran over and said, "Can you kick me down while I'm standing there?" (about 15 meters) I say give it a try!

As a result, I don't know which painting it is. A powerful volley, direct head shot! !

Crying on the spot for a week without talking to me!

6 1, I told my friend that I lost my bike. I'm sorry that I bought it less than a week ago.

My friends say you are nothing. Bought a bike and lost it after only one look;

A friend entrusted someone else to buy a bike. At noon, he was cooking in the kitchen when someone downstairs shouted, "Director X, the car has been bought back!" " "

The friend poked his head out of the window and looked at it and said, "Put it there. I'm going down. Thank you! " "

Turn off the fire, wipe your hands and go downstairs.

NND, the car is gone. ...

62. I bought an ipod touch, and a friend of mine told me that the screen is hard, no film is needed, and the buttons are fine. . Then I scratched it with my key. grass

Once, after the bell rang, a boy rushed into the classroom and rushed to the last row. The teacher said: some students are late and come in through the back door. Don't influence others! After the boy sat down, he took a bite of the steamed stuffed bun. He found a beautiful MM beside him and kept staring at her. He thought that MM didn't eat breakfast either, so he gave her the steamed stuffed bun politely. The teacher spoke again, and this time his face turned pale: some students forgot when they were late, and they still had breakfast in class. Don't give the steamed stuffed bun to the teacher!

64. My parents said that I stayed in a hotel with them when I was young. When I got up in the morning, they found me brushing my teeth skillfully with a toothbrush. The problem was that the washbasin in the hotel was higher than mine, so they asked me how to fill it. I took them into the toilet and pointed to the toilet. ...