The reader wrote down the emotional narrative of his children with cerebral palsy from birth to death.

Hell is behind, and heaven is in front.

Editor's Note: Hao Cheng is gone. It was he who answered, "Where do you think your cow is?" Why do you think the "troubled young man" count is in the castle? He tells his unfortunate fate in plain and humorous language, and has an optimistic attitude of loving reading and life. Attached are two works by Hao Cheng, one is a masterpiece and the other is a masterpiece.

When Hao Cheng was six months old, his family found him lying motionless in bed and unable to stand up, so they took him to Shihezi Hospital for examination. At that time, the hospital said it was cerebral palsy.

At the age of eight months, Hao Cheng remained motionless. But he spoke early. When he was almost 1 year old, Hao Cheng's mother Li Zhe took him to see a doctor in Beijing and Tianjin. The hospital in Beijing gave a test result: cerebral palsy, but there was a question mark behind it. The examination result given by Tianjin Hospital: myasthenia.

Since I was born, I have been seeing doctors everywhere. When Hao Cheng was 6 years old, his mother taught him pinyin and bought him a dictionary for primary school students. At that time, Hao Cheng liked to ask questions and talk. He knows all the words by himself, so his mother bought him a story book marked with Pinyin. His mother said, "As soon as I came back and put him on the sofa, he began to read."

Later, my mother bought a computer for Hao Cheng. "At that time, he was only eight or nine years old. I put him by the bed at work every day and let him play computer. Cover the side with a quilt in case he falls under the bed. When he is tired, he will send me a message saying that my mother will come back soon and I am tired. I quickly went back to help him lie down or change his posture. "

Hao Cheng's first critical illness was 1 1 year old, and the critical illness notice said heart failure. After that, he was critically ill twice a year. A cold will cause his lung infection and induce heart failure. His mother said, "Several times he looked like he was going to die, but he looked at you as if he wanted to live with you and kept shouting, Mom, Mom ... What can you do?" You can only try your best to save him. "

Hao Cheng's chat content is different for every age group. When he was a child, he would talk to his mother about Jing M. Guo and Han Han. Nowadays, there are fewer and fewer topics about idols between mother and son, and more about movies downloaded and articles written by Hao Cheng. Mom joked with him and said, "Hey, just send it when it's finished, or it won't go out for a day." It's hard to feel uncomfortable. You can't close your eyes. "Life and death has become a common joke theme between mother and son. Sometimes his mother would tease him after he was rescued: "Look, God didn't accept you and sent you back, so you are alive and well. "

Every time Cheng Hao is dying, my mother thinks he can survive. She said, "I can't tell you what joy Hao Cheng has brought me. Everyone else thinks I'm tired, but I'm not. I just feel very happy. You can talk to him every day when you come home. Are you kidding, Doby? Who does he ask as soon as he hears the door ring? I'll call him back. I ... If he comes back late, he will ask, why are you going? Come back so late, can't you come back early? "

Hao Cheng made a detailed plan for himself. He had to read 65438+ million words every day. Read in the morning and write in the afternoon. Unable to sit up, Hao Cheng can only type on the soft keyboard with the mouse.

2013 At noon on August 2 1, Hao Cheng looked in good condition, waiting to be discharged the next day. He asked his mother to buy rice, and also asked her to help him bring an e-book and set it up. Li Zhe has been there for 20 minutes. She always runs there. As soon as I entered the ward, I looked at Hao Cheng as if I were asleep, with my eyes closed. The hand is still on the e-book, but the e-book has become a screen saver.

"I said, son, you fell asleep less than 20 minutes after I went out. What happened? I shook him when I put the rice on the table, but he didn't respond. I went out and called the doctor, but it was useless to rescue again. "

Hao Cheng's life came to an abrupt end at the age of 20. Before he died, he said, "I will donate my body, including the cornea." Open another world for you with my soul. I want my eyes to replace me and continue to illuminate this beautiful world. "

"Happiness is waking up and the sunshine outside the window is still bright."

Why do I feel awesome?

I haven't walked on the ground since I was born in 1993. The doctor once decided that I would not live beyond five years old. However, just a few minutes ago, I was still using Taobao to choose my 20th birthday present.

When my peers were still in kindergarten, I had been to hospitals in big cities such as Beijing, Tianjin and Shanghai. While my peers were still playing on the seesaw and bungee jumping, I was experiencing millions of medical devices wandering around me. I have taken medicine that pigs don't eat, had electric needles, practiced magical qigong, and even lived in an orphanage full of abandoned children. In that lonely day, I was surrounded by mentally retarded children. The loneliest time, I can only sing in the corridor alone. ...

In the past 20 years, my mother has received many critical notices from doctors. A thick stack of paper, which she nailed to the wall with 10 cm long nails, was said to be very memorable.

When I was a child, I endured physical pain; After growing up, I experienced inner suffering. Sometimes, I can't help but ask: Why did God choose me to bear all this? But no one can give me an answer. I can only say that misfortune, like luck, needs someone to bear it.

Fate, don't talk about justice!

In recent years, my health is getting worse and worse, and there are more and more hospitalization items, such as heart failure, kidney calculi, hydronephrosis, cholecystitis, pneumonia, bronchitis, lung infection and so on. I once thought about donating all my organs to people who need them more, or doing medical research in the future. But at present, apart from my cornea and brain, the organs that can help normal people work healthily are really limited.

My biggest regret is not going to school. Of course, the reason I regret is not the nonsense reason of "striving for self-improvement", but the regret that I can't make friends, meet beautiful girls and talk about a simple love like normal people. But as Nietzsche, a madman, said, "What can't destroy me will make me strong." Because I didn't go to school, I had more free time to study. What makes me proud is that I used to read 654.38+ ten thousand words every day. Although I don't know why I want to study, I think it is a sign of serious life.

I am not an inspirational model like Ms. Zhang Haidi, nor a literary master like Teacher Shi Tiesheng. I am just an ordinary "professional patient". But I want to say that what is really awesome is not the deeds that can be boasted casually, but the mortals who still smile in difficulties.

Hell is behind you.

I accidentally caught a cold the other day. I got up this morning with a splitting headache. My temperature was measured twice, the first time was 36.8℃. Judging from my years of illness, this temperature is definitely not accurate. Sure enough, the thermometer was changed for the second time, and the temperature was 37.4℃, which increased by 0.6℃, and the fever was low. Recalling last night, I suddenly woke up with a big stone on my chest. Every breath, like thousands of steel needles shuttling between the lungs, really answered that sentence: breathing is a luxury.

A few days ago, someone wrote me a letter. She asked me, what's the point of living alone? Why do we have to suffer so much?

I didn't reply to her. Because I can't answer her question. Before, I would tell her: "Living is just living for living itself." This is Yu Hua's view in the book "Living". However, not everyone can regard "living" as a great cause like me. What's more, even I question this view now. As described in the book, relatives will die, friends will betray, dreams will be shattered and beliefs will collapse. It is not reliable to pin the hope of "living" on any of them. However, life is not dust after all, and it is impossible to drift away at will. It is a grain of sand, struggling in the turbulent waves and burning in the flames of anger. It can do nothing, but it is not doing nothing. We are dragged by an invisible force, with confusion and numbness, and strive to move forward.

I feel like you asked me why I write. I rolled up my sleeves to show you, and there were bruises on my arms, which I couldn't get rid of after writing for a long time. I may not be a writer and write works that satisfy me, but I must keep writing because I don't want my scars to become meaningless. Looking at these bruises, I can think of the past days and nights and myself. If you give up writing, it is a denial of everything you have paid before.

Perhaps people's persistence is often not because they believe in the future, but because they don't want to betray the past.

Maybe we can't understand the meaning of "being alive", but we have paid too much for "being alive"; Maybe we can't realize our dreams, but we have shed too many tears for them. What we can do is to go further on this road and never look back. Heaven is not necessarily in front, but hell must be behind.

(This article was published in August, 2065438 16. Five days later, Hao Cheng died. )