About classic jokes

The sun in summer makes us physically and mentally exhausted. At this time, we need to watch some funny jokes to relax our mood and let us shine in the sun. The following are some classic jokes I compiled for you. I hope you will like them.

Excerpts from classic jokes

1. When I went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister, my sister asked: "Miss, how much do these shoes cost per pound?"

< p> 2. Someone came to my aunt’s house as a guest before, and she just walked in. It happened that my aunt had to go to the toilet. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "You guys sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!"

3. When I was in college, a classmate and I were arguing about an issue, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. He stood up and slapped the table and shouted: You are talking nonsense, I am not stupid! I spit on your face.

4. When I was a child, the popsicle sellers usually pushed bicycles to sell ice cream. Once, I heard this in the house. An aunt shouted: The new ice cream is hot. (I guess my aunt used to sell fried cakes and fried dough sticks)

5. When my colleague was arguing with someone, he got anxious and said, "Do you think I grew up eating?" I always wondered what he ate to grow long. Big ones. "

6. Once when I asked for a song at a KTV, a girl shouted loudly: Please order me a song called "Double Jay Chou" by Zhou Jiegun.

7. One day in the big forest, the fox I was smoking marijuana. At this time, the little rabbit ran from a distance. Seeing all this, he came over and said: Fox, fox, how can you smoke marijuana? It is not good for your health. Look, the air is so fresh. Come and join me. Let's run together. The fox thought about it right, so he ran with the little rabbit. As they ran, they saw the elephant taking heroin. The little rabbit ran over and said to the elephant: Elephant, elephant, what are you doing? Take drugs, look at how fresh the air is, come and run with me. The elephant thought it was right, just the two of them were running together, and they saw the lion rolling up his sleeves and about to inject heroin, and the little rabbit was far away. Shout to the lion: Lion, lion, taking drugs is bad for your health. Look at how fresh the air is. Come run with me

8. I saw the lion put down the syringe and rushed over, crushing the little rabbit. After a meal, the elephant tremblingly said to the lion: Why are you hitting the little rabbit? He doesn’t want us to hurt our bodies! The lion said: Ever since the rabbit took ecstasy, he asked me to run with him every day!

< p> 9. In summer, a giraffe met a rabbit. She proudly showed off her neck to the rabbit: Ah, little rabbit, do you know how nice it is to have a long neck? You know those leaves at the top Is it so fresh and sweet? Do you know the feeling of drinking water in summer? The refreshing water slowly passed through the neck. The rabbit glanced at her and only said: "Have you tried vomiting?"

10 . One time, my brother hit me and put a bag on my head. Later, when my brother wanted to put something in the bag, he took the bag on my head to put the stuff in.

11. Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who played ball for a long time. He said, "I am so tired. I feel like my whole body has softened.

12. Once upon a time, there were two snowmen, one. The snowman said: I'm so cold, and the other said: I'm also very cold, and the other said: Let's hug each other, so they hugged each other. Guess what happened? Then they were cold to death.

13. When I was a child, I was dishonest about eating. In order to educate me, an old farmer said to me: It has been hard for 60 years and I have no food, so I never throw away the boogers I picked out

14. There was a rich man looking for a servant. The interview topic was to use the toilet. The first few came out without washing their hands after using the toilet. The rich man sent them away. Only one of them washed his hands, so the rich man stayed. But one day, the rich man found that he came out without washing his hands. The rich man asked him why? The servant replied: "I brought toilet paper today."

15. A man saw a huge sale in a store. "What do you want to buy?" "I want to buy dog ??food." “We have a rule that you have to prove you have a dog. "Where is such a rule?" "This is what happens with discounted goods." "The man spent a long time with the salesperson, but the salesperson still refused to sell it to him. There was nothing he could do. The man had to go home and bring the dog with him, and then he bought the dog food. A few days later, the man went to the store to buy cat food again and said, "Give it to me. Two boxes of cat food. “We have a rule that you have to prove you have a cat.

"It was the same salesperson, and the man spent another long time with her, but in the end he had to go home and bring the cat with him before buying cat food. A few days later, the man came to the store carrying a large cardboard box with a hole dug out. Go to the salesperson and ask, "What do you want?" "You'll know when you put your hand in. The salesperson put his hand in and said, "What is it? It's sticky." "I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper." ”

16. A man took a friend to visit his grandmother. While he was talking to his grandmother, his friend started eating peanuts on the coffee table and finished them all by the time they left. At that time, his friend said to grandma: "Thank you for the peanuts" and grandma responded, "Oh! Hmm! Alas! Since I lost all my teeth, I can only suck off the outer chocolate layer of them. Old, cough." . .

17. Someone liked the dish "Spicy Vermicelli Pot". Once, he ordered this dish again, but the waiter told him that it was sold out. Is it really sold out?" he asked disappointedly. "Sir, it is really sold out. You see, the last one was sold to the gentleman at that table. "The waiter replied. The man followed the waiter's instructions and saw a very respectable gentleman sitting next to him. The gentleman had almost eaten his meal, but the "Spicy Vermicelli Pot" was still full. The man He felt that the gentleman was wasting delicious food, so he walked up to the gentleman, pointed to the "Spicy Vermicelli Pot" and asked politely: "Sir, do you want this?" The gentleman shook his head gracefully. He immediately sat down, picked up the spoon and started to devour it. After a while, he was halfway through the meal, and suddenly he found a very small mouse with full fur lying on the bottom of the casserole. The man felt sick and ate it. All the fans vomited back into the casserole. When he was turning his stomach, the gentleman looked at him with sympathy and said, "It's disgusting, isn't it? I was like that just now." "

18. On this day, the hotel owner was patrolling the lobby. A beggar came up and said, "Boss, can you give me a toothpick?" The boss sent him away. After a while, another beggar came. He also came to ask for toothpicks. The boss thought, why did the beggar ask for toothpicks instead of asking for food? He also sent him away. Not long after, another beggar came and said to him, "You are also here to ask for toothpicks." "?" The beggar said: "Someone vomited, but I was a step too late. The two beggars in front had already eaten everything I could eat, and now only the soup is left." Can you give me a straw?

19. The eldest and second child were on a plane, and the second child got airsick and kept vomiting. One bag was full of vomit, so the boss had to go get it. When he came back, he found that everyone on the plane was vomiting. The eldest brother asked the reason and the second son said, "I saw that this bag was also full of vomit, so I had to drink half of the bag, and they all vomited."

20. A priest was playing golf. , a nun was watching. The first shot missed, and the priest cursed: "TMD, missed the shot!" Hit again, and the priest scolded again: "TMD, missed the shot again!" The nun said: "As a priest, you hit the target again. God will punish you for using bad words." As soon as he finished speaking, a thunderbolt struck the nun to death. The priest was puzzled: Why was I the one who cursed, and why did he kill the nun? At this time, God's voice came from the sky: "TMD, I missed the target too!"

Appreciation of classic jokes and short paragraphs

1. I won a lottery ticket with my mother and went to a counter to collect the prize. The person giving out the prizes asked us whether we wanted twenty yuan or an apple. My mother and I thought that of course we wanted to make money, so we said we wanted twenty yuan. So, the man took out a knife and cut the apple into twenty pieces?

2. A male teacher angrily said to a girl who was sleeping in class: "I am so tired up there! You are down below. Not moving at all! Just not cooperating, not even reacting at all. If there is nothing in your stomach in the future, don’t blame the teacher!"

3. A three-year-old boy pulled a three-year-old boy The little girl's hand said: "I love you." The little girl said: "Can you be responsible for my future?" The little boy said: "Of course you can, we are not one or two years old anymore!

< p> 4. My nephew likes roast duck very much. He wanted to eat roast duck today but he didn’t tell me directly. He told me: "Uncle, if you don’t eat roast duck in winter, you will freeze to death!" "Why?" I was shocked. If you eat roast duck, you won't kill the duck. If you don't kill the duck, you won't pluck the duck feathers. Without duck feathers, you can't make down jackets. Without down jackets, we will freeze to death.

"

5. The two armies faced each other in the valley, and the guards came in to report the enemy's situation: "Report to the commander, the enemy's reconnaissance plane is taking pictures of us. "Sir: "Pass my orders? No laughing!"

6. I worked part-time in a supermarket during the summer vacation. A customer came in and asked, "How much does that red plum cost?" "Four and a half." "What about that one?" "Chinese forty-five yuan." "He resolutely took out forty-five yuan. I respectfully handed over a packet of Zhonghua: "You can tell he's the big boss at a glance!" He said impatiently: "Stop talking nonsense, get one for four and a half yuan!"

7. I passed by a breakfast stall in the morning and heard a divine conversation: "Boss, for a bowl of hot dry noodles, add more green onions, more chilies, more vinegar, more sesame sauce, more. noodle. "Miss, just say you want two bowls!"

8. Once, on the subway, an old man next to me stared at me for a long time and suddenly said to me: "Young man, look. From your appearance, you should weigh 80 kilograms!" I was shocked at the time! I said: "Uncle, your judgment is so accurate. Can you help me check my fortune this year?" The uncle replied: " Look at you! You stepped on my toes!"

9. I usually take the bus home from work. One day I was anxious to get home and took a taxi. After getting on the bus, the driver asked enthusiastically: "Listen to the song "?" I said: "Listen!" and then the driver sang "All the Way" to me?

10. I passed by an intersection that day and felt the desire to fart. There happened to be a person riding a motorcycle, so I wanted to take this opportunity. I was trying to cover up the sound of my fart, but the sound was too loud. The person on the motorcycle thought that the engine was on and was about to shift into gear. I was really embarrassed that time.

11. The administrator was facing me. A girl said: "I'm sorry, swimming is prohibited here?" "Then why didn't you tell me before I took off my clothes?" "We don't prohibit taking off clothes. ”

12. Xiaomei wrote down her wishes when she grew up in her composition book: 1. I hope to have a lovely child; 2. I also hope to have a husband who loves me. As a result, I found that the teacher wrote a comment: "Please pay attention to the order. ”

13. Who do you think is the most influential physicist? I wrote “Newton”. As a result, I was the only one in the class who failed. It turned out that everyone named the tutor Write it down? Kao, what kind of world?!

14. The butterfly said to the bee: "You are so stingy, pretending to be full of sweet words but reluctant to give me a word. Bee said: "Humph! You are talking about me. You have two antennas so long on your head. Why don't you send me a text message?" ”

15. A taught the parrot to speak: “I can walk.” Parrot: "I will go." "A:" I can speak. Parrot: "I can talk." "A:" I can fly. Parrot: "Don't be ridiculous." ”

16. Late at night, Bush saw Bin Laden standing in front of his bed, with his hair disheveled. Bush was shocked and said, “You are so bold, you dare to break into the White House at night!” Bin Laden shook his chest-length beard and said, She smiled sinisterly and said, "Rejoice, you are so confident!"

17. The mother was about to give birth, and her relatives and friends were waiting anxiously outside the delivery room. The nurse finally took the baby out, and everyone rushed forward. "Is it a boy or a girl?" The father was most concerned about this question. He couldn't wait to put his hand into the swaddling clothes, and then shouted happily: "It's a boy! It's a boy!" "What boy?" the nurse was angry. He scolded: "Let go of my finger!"

18. Teacher: "Xiaoxin, your problem is that you use the wrong words. Now I will test you. Use an idiom to describe the teacher who is very happy." . "Xiao Xin: "Smiling at Jiuquan. ”

19. The fish said: “I keep my eyes open all the time so that I can’t bear to leave you.” "Water said: "I flow tirelessly all day long just to surround you and pick you up properly. "Guo said: "You're almost fucking mature and you're still so poor. ”

20. During a military exercise, a cannonball went very far away. The soldiers sent to check found that the cannonball fell in the farmland. There was a farmer standing in the field, his clothes were torn, his face was dark, and his eyes were filled with tears. Said: "I just stole a few cabbages, why should I bombard them with artillery?"

Selection of classic jokes

1. A hen laid a giant egg, and a news reporter came in front of him. Come to interview. The hen was shy and silent, so she had to interview the rooster.

The rooster rolled up its sleeves. I won’t comment on this matter at the moment. I’ll wait until I catch the ostrich!

2. A person mistakenly swallowed the artificial eye into his mouth, and finally it got stuck in the anus and could not be taken out. , I went to the hospital. After the doctor looked at me, I fainted on the spot. When I woke up, I said: I have been looking at the butthole all my life, but I didn’t expect to be looked at by the butthole at the end?

3. The Henan baby asked the Henan mother: "How do you make a sentence for ABCDEFG?" Henan mother: "A, this B child, from C family? Standing on D with bare feet, EF is not wearing any, and GG is still exposed!" Haha?

4. A man kept farting loudly in the office, and his colleague couldn't help but say, "Can you keep quiet?" Then he saw him sitting there shaking and shaking. A colleague asked: "What are you doing?" He replied: "I set it to vibrate."

5. I heard from a friend that when he was in college, a boy with a low EQ finally met a girl he liked. I just started dating. Once the girl was sick, the boy accompanied her to the infirmary for a drip. Ten minutes passed, twenty minutes passed, and there was no movement. The boy wanted to break the silence, so he asked: "Is it cold?" "Cold" "Cold, can I cover it for you?" The girl blushed and whispered "Okay" and then the boy stood up and covered the drip bottle with his hand.

6. When I was a child, I always bullied my younger sister because of how old I was. One night, my father came over to cover us with quilts, and he suddenly found my three-year-old sister sitting upright in the dark looking at me sleeping soundly! "Why aren't you sleeping yet?" Dad asked. My sister hurriedly said: "Shh! Keep your voice down, and I'll beat her when she falls asleep!"

7. One of my classmates is a __ disciple, and he feels a little obsessed. The school had to do morning exercises in the morning, and he felt that teachers had to get up early to do exercises, otherwise it would be unfair. So I went directly to the principal to negotiate. The principal was stunned for a moment and said: "Where did you come from?" My classmate said lovingly: "I was sent by God to save you." Principal:?

8. As soon as this person got older, he I'm prone to hearing loss. I remember when I was a child, I was at my grandma's house. One morning, my grandfather was going to go fishing. As soon as he left the house, he bumped into the old man from the house next door. The old man said to my grandpa: "Go fishing!" My grandpa said: "No! I'm going fishing." Then the old man said: "Oh, I thought you were going fishing?" Am I petrified?

9. I took my wife for a prenatal check-up in the morning. After the blood was drawn: Nurse: "Come and get the examination form on the 32nd." Wife: "January 32nd or February 30th. "I (weakly): "February 1st." Nurse (sweat): "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

10. I was on a plane a few days ago, and when I got on the plane, I found that there was a man sitting next to me. Beauty, according to the principles of pick-up, I blurted out and asked: "Where are you?"

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