Please give me a more funny joke~

1. Once upon a time there was a man named Ah Shuang.

He died.

The day of the funeral.

His family members cried: ‘

It’s so cool... it’s so cool. ’

Passers-by were puzzled. Asked: "What do you enjoy so much?" '

My family cried bitterly: 'It feels so good... so good!!'

2. Seven years after graduation, I finally took on a big project, building a thirty-year-old The construction period of the chimney is two months, and the construction cost is 300,000 yuan, but an advance payment is required. It was finally completed at the end of last year. Today I went to inspect it, but I was scolded to death and didn't get any money. Damn it! The drawings are wrong, they want to dig a well!

3. A drunk man accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch. A policeman came over and asked: What happened? Drunk Man: I don’t know. I just arrived.

4. The doctor asked the patient how he broke the bone. The patient said, "I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes by holding on to the telephone pole." Damn, there was a bastard passing by, thinking I was electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave me two sticks!

5. One day, the turtle father, turtle mother and turtle son family decided to go for an outing. After buying a Shandong pancake and two cans of seafood chicken, we set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it’s finally here! They sat on the ground, took off their equipment and prepared to eat. As a result, I discovered that I didn’t bring a can opener!

Turtle son: "...Then I will go back and get it."

Turtle dad: "Good boy! Hurry! Your parents are waiting for you to come back and have dinner together. Go and come back quickly!" "

Turtle son: "You must wait for me to come back! Don't break your promise!"

So Turtle son set out on his way home...

Time flies like an arrow. Shuttle, 20 years have passed in the blink of an eye, but the turtle son has not yet appeared.

Turtle mother: "Honey... do you want to start dinner? I'm so hungry..."

Turtle dad: "No! We promised our son! Well...wait for him Five years later, if he doesn't come, I'll leave him alone!"

It's been five years, and there's still no sign of the turtle son. Turtle’s parents don’t care anymore! The two elders decided to start.

Took out the big cake and was about to eat it...

Suddenly, Turtle Son poked his head out from behind the tree...

Turtle Son: "Damn! I knew you would steal it! You lied to me to go back and get the can opener? I waited for twenty-five years and finally got it! I hate it the most!

7. A male and female friend were sitting on a bench in the park and talking about love. The girl suddenly wanted to fart.

She said to the guy: My schoolmates are singing, but you don’t hear it.

The man was indeed willing to listen.

So the woman let out a loud fart under the cover of the "cuckoo cuckoo" sound. : Does the elephant sound like a bird?

Male: The fart was too loud, I couldn’t hear it clearly!

8. The turtle was injured. Let the snail go buy medicine. 2 hours later. .The snail hasn’t come back yet. The turtle yelled anxiously: If you don’t come back, I will die! At this time, the snail’s voice came from outside the door: Don’t tell me I won’t go anymore!

9. Someone was raising a pig and was tired of it, so he abandoned it. However, the pig knew its way back, and he abandoned it many times. One day, he drove around many corners and abandoned the pig. Late at night, he called his family and asked, "Has the pig returned?" "The answer is: "I've returned! "He roared: "Let him answer the phone, I'm lost!"

10. The elephant accidentally stepped on the ant nest, and the ants came out and climbed on the elephant one after another. The elephant trembled. The ants all fell down. At this time, there was another ant on the elephant's neck, and the fallen ant shouted "Strangle it to death"

11. One day in the computer class, there was an elephant. The computer of the classmates in the platoon crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon is dead." "At this time, many classmates said: "We are also dead. "The teacher asked at this time: "Who else is not dead? "Only one classmate stood up: "I'm not dead yet! "The teacher said strangely: "The whole class is dead, why don't you die? "

12. Before a monkey eats peanuts, he has to stuff them into his butt and then take them out to eat.

The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey was frightened. Now it must be measured before eating.

13. Xiao Ming: "Dad, am I a stupid boy?"

Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a stupid boy..."

14. Tell a story: "Once upon a time there was a eunuch..."

Someone couldn't bear to ask: "What's down there?"

Continue Tell a story: "Down there? It's gone..."

15. There was a man who had just learned a foreign language. He was walking on the street that day and accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot. The man hurriedly said: "I 'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely: "I'm sorry too." When the man heard this, he hurriedly said: "I'm sorry three." The foreigner was dumbfounded and asked: "What are you sorry for?" The man said helplessly: "I'm sorry five."

16. A letter written by Tang Monk to Sun Wukong

Dear Wukong:

I write this letter very slowly because I know you can’t read quickly!

We had rain twice this week, the first time it rained for 4 days and the second time it rained for 3 days!

How are you doing in Huaguo Mountain? I have a very bad life in heaven. Since there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall. Do you think it's hard?

The beef noodles we have here are delicious. When you come another day, we will go to the restaurant on West Street to eat hot pot together!

Your eldest sister Guanyin is about to give birth, and because I don’t know whether it will be a boy or a girl, I don’t know yet whether you will be an uncle or an aunt!

Have you received the clothes I sent you? When I was going to send it, I was afraid of being overweight, so I cut off the buttons and put them in my pocket!

It’s late and I’m writing this here. If you have time to come to my place, remember not to drink too much water, otherwise it will be very uncomfortable if you can’t urinate when you get here!

P. S I wanted to send you money, but the envelope was already stuck!

17. A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. I eat whatever I eat, cucumbers, watermelons, watermelon. How can I get back to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

18. A person went to Shanghai on a business trip and lost a dollar on the street. The police said: "We will help you find it." The person went back a month later. The street where he lost the money was blocked due to road construction. After digging, he couldn't help but sigh, "Shanghai is the real thing."

19. One day, an ant was basking in the sun. Suddenly he saw an elephant walking slowly. He stood up and straightened his front legs. The rabbit next to him I'm asking you what are you doing? The ant said: "Shh~~~~~~~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him"

20. The earthworm family was very bored today, so the little earthworm cut himself into two pieces and went to play badminton. Earthworm's mother thought this method was good, so she cut herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Earthworm's father thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. The mother earthworm cried and said: "Why are you so stupid? If you cut it into pieces like this, you will die!" The father earthworm said weakly: "...Suddenly I want to play football

21. The tortoise and the hare... the hare The turtle quickly ran to the front... The turtle saw a snail crawling very slowly... and said to him: Come up, I will carry you... Then... the snail came up... After a while. The turtle saw an ant again and said to him: Come up too. So the ant came up too. After the ant came up, he saw the snail above and said "Hello" to him. You know. What did the snail say? The snail said: Hurry up, this turtle is so fast...

22. One day, a fire broke out in a house, and both parents escaped. Only one son was left inside.

The mother shouted nervously outside the house: "Son...you are doing it...it's on fire and you can't come out..." The son replied: "I'm putting on socks... .." The mother said again, "Why are you wearing socks when there's a fire..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out yet... The mother nervously shouted again, "Son, what on earth are you doing?" Come out quickly~ It’s all on fire, and you’re still in there..." My son said, "I’m taking off my socks...

23. A man went to the river to fish first. After wearing a leaf, no fish took the bait for a long time, so he changed it to a piece of bread. Again, no fish took the bait for a long time. He had no choice but to change it for earthworms. Still no fish took the bait for a long time. He was so angry that he took out 100rmb and threw it into the water. Cursed: "*—# What do you want to eat! Go buy it yourself! ! !

24. My deskmate had a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring a handkerchief, so he kept sucking the snot into his nose. gt who was writing on the blackboard; the Chinese teacher suddenly turned around and shouted: "That's enough! Stop it! It's so noisy!" The whole class was quiet. The teacher said again: "Who is eating noodles in class and making such a loud noise?"

25. The patient said to the dentist: "You are really good at making money. You made 3 dollars in just 3 seconds." Dollars."

The doctor replied: "If you want, I can pull it out for you in slow motion.

"

26. "Narcissism" means that I must be reincarnated as a woman in my next life, and then marry a man like me; "Despair" means that when I order two dishes at a restaurant, I eat the first one: "In the world Is there anything tastier than this?!" Eat the second one. Damn! It really does!" "Speechless" means the judge asked: Why did you print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money

27. The Weaver Girl went down to the earth to take a bath and met the Cowherd, and performed a shocking love story. This incident tells us: there is no chance to take a bath at home, so you must take a bath outside...

28. Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher: "There are a lot of ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiao Ming: "How do you say ant?" Xiao Ming looked confused... Said: "Ant... didn't say anything..."

29. A man kept farting loudly at work, and his colleagues couldn't help but said to him: "Can you not make any noise?" Then I saw him sitting there shaking non-stop. A colleague asked him strangely what he was doing, and he replied: "I am silent, and now I have set it to vibrating!!!"

30. Female Mosquito : "Child, what's wrong with you?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little flies bullied me, saying that I am bloodthirsty and a vampire." The female mosquito said, "Don't pay attention to it, they are not good things either. Everyone grew up eating shit

31. I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou clay pot. Yesterday, I went to the lt; treasure appraisal gt; column for appraisal. The expert said seriously: "Where is this?" Is it from the Western Zhou Dynasty? This is from last week!

32. Son: "Mom, I failed the math test today" Mother: "Why, what question." Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3 =?I said =6." Mother: "That's right, what next." Son: "Then the teacher asked me again 3*2=?" Mother: "Aren't these the same thing!" Son: "Me too. That's what I said...

33. A prisoner was executed by firing squad. The bullets were produced in "XX County" and were of poor quality. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired... and the third shot was fired. ...At this time the prisoner cried: "Strangle me to death, it's too scary!"

34. The father told his son a story: "The uncle asked Xiaoyang to chop wood, but he didn't expect it." Xiaoyang cut down his uncle's favorite peach tree. The uncle was very angry when he saw it but didn't scold him. Do you know why?" The son replied: "Maybe it's because Xiaoyang still had an ax in his hand, so he didn't dare. Scold him

35. Dung Beetle and Mosquito fall in love and meet for the first time. Dung Beetle: "What do you do?" Mosquito: "Nurse, injector." Dung Beetle grabbed Mosquito's hand and cried bitterly: "Yuan Yes, I am also a doctor, a Chinese medicine practitioner, and a pill maker

36. A man can’t find a girlfriend, so he has no choice but to go to a fortune teller. The fortune teller said: You are destined to have no woman in the first half of your life; The man's eyes lit up: Then I should have it in the second half of my life, right? The fortune teller said: Hey, in the second half of your life you will get used to living alone

37. When someone eats, you can't see it in the beef ramen. I had a piece of beef, so I pointed to the bowl and asked the boss: Why is there no beef in the beef ramen? The boss said lightly: Don’t take it too seriously, do you still expect to get a wife out of the wife cake?

38. Three The rats tasted American, Japanese, and Chinese wine respectively. The rat that drank American wine fell down after walking for 3 steps; the rat that drank Japanese wine fell after walking for 2 steps; the rat that drank Chinese Erguotou held a kitchen knife in its hand and shouted : "Where's the TMD cat?"

39. While eating in a restaurant, a customer who had been waiting for a long time called the waiter and asked, "Why is the braised fish I ordered not ready yet?" "Please?" Please wait a moment, sir." "What? Are you still waiting?" The customer got angry and asked, "Are your fishes caught fresh?"

40. One day, the cow was brought out by the donkey. Asked a difficult question, which of the two bugs under the word "Stupid" is male and which is female. The donkey racked his brains, but still couldn't answer.

The cow scolded: What a stupid donkey, men are on the left and women are on the right!

41. A man was about to jump off a building. His wife, who had just come back, shouted: "My dear, don't be impulsive, we still have a long way to go!" After hearing this, the man jumped down without hesitation. The negotiator standing nearby said: "Madam, you really shouldn't threaten him like this

42. The director and the section chief *** took the elevator. The director farted and said to the section chief: " "You farted," the section chief said, "I didn't do it." Soon the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting, "You can't even handle a big fart, so what's the use of you?"

43. A lazy cat pursued a mouse crazily and finally got married. After the marriage, the cat protected the mouse in every possible way. The mouse quickly became fat. The mouse was very moved: "Why are you so kind to me, dear!" the cat chuckled and said: " You will know when you get a little fatter

44. Every time I look in the mirror, I always encourage myself mentally: "I am very creative, and being ugly is not my intention. God, don’t lose your temper. I will live bravely and use my endless creativity to bring out the beauty of this world! In fact, I am really creative...

45. Let’s go together, friends. Climbing a mountain, at the top of the mountain, a girl faced the beautiful mountains and rivers and shouted: Motherland! My mother! A boy who had a crush on her quickly followed and shouted: Motherland! My mother-in-law!

46. I used to buy I got two puppies, the one called "Lian" for you, and the one called "Butt" for myself! But "Lian" unfortunately died in a car accident two days later. Every time I see "Butt", I think of your "Face"! What if? Your "face" is still there, and now it's as big as your "butt"!

47. After Tang Zeng drove away Wukong, he encountered another monster. He had to recite a tight spell to call Wukong back to save his life. Soon there was a message in the air A voice came: "I'm sorry. The user you called is not in the service area, please try again later.

48. The mouse went to the convenience, but saw the bear too, and was too frightened to say anything. The bear looked at the mouse. He glanced at it and said, "Are you losing your hair?" The mouse trembled and said nothing. The bear asked again: "Are you losing your hair?" The mouse said tremblingly: "No..." The bear grabbed the mouse and wiped his butt and left! [Treat mice as toilet paper...

49. I was chatting with my friends just now, and they talked about you, do you know? I quarreled with them and almost got into a fight because some of them said you looked like a monkey and some said you looked like an orangutan. It was too much! I don’t treat you like a pig at all!

50. On Panda’s birthday, I would like to tell everyone: I made two wishes, one is to cure my dark circles, and the other is to have a color photo

51. The bee chases the butterfly, but the butterfly marries the snail. The bee was puzzled: How is he better than me? The butterfly replied: I have my own house after all, but it’s not like you living in a dormitory

52. One day an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came over and said to the elephant. You stand up. Stand up when it starts. Ant! Just sit down. The elephant asked the ant what he wanted to do. Sometimes he stands up and sometimes he sits down.

Ant replied! I lost my underwear, let me see if you were wearing it

53. The production team bought a male donkey, but it died within a few days. The female donkey happened to be in heat, so the production team employees beat her. Call the captain of the production team who is on a business trip out of town. "Captain, the female donkey is in heat, but the male donkey is dead. Should I buy a male donkey first or wait for you to come back?"

54. Little Shit Beetle: Mom , why do we eat shit? Mother Dung Beetle: How could this child say such disgusting things while eating?

55. A shooting star flashed across the night sky, and I quickly made a wish, hoping that you would become more beautiful. Who knew that I had just made a wish? Wish, the shooting star came back with a "swish" and said to me, "Brother, are you deliberately trying to embarrass me?!"

56. Give me a steamed bun from the cafeteria as a fulcrum, and I can lift it up Earth! lt; Please understand, the steamed buns in this cafeteria are too hard...gt;

57. See "The food in the cafeteria can only be fed to pigs, but they are still given to us?" "I thought of a sentence. A classmate went to the cafeteria to prepare a meal. After the meal, he asked the cook, "Master, why is there rice in your sand!!!"

58. A must-see for girls. Story: A bat was reincarnated by God. God said that he can promise you three conditions. The bat said, "I was black in my previous life, so in my next life I want a snow-white body and wings. I am used to sucking blood. Please let me suck blood." "God said, OK, I agree. Do you know what he will be in the next life? "Sanitary napkin". Haha.

59. The restaurant fly said to the toilet fly: You chase fishy smells all day long, and I chase smelly smells all day long. Come here if you want to eat well! Toilet fly: If you don’t agree with each other, what’s the use of eating well? How many bare-butt beauties have you seen?

60. In your sophomore year, you were in the dormitory. Girls all like Zhou Huajian's songs, and a tape was borrowed from everyone. One day, the girl on the upper bunk asked: Where is my Zhou Huajian? The girl on the lower bunk replied: There was silence for two seconds, and then They all fell on the bed.

61. A boy nicknamed a classmate a fat pig. The girl cried to the teacher and the teacher agreed to criticize the boy. The teacher gave a lecture to the class the next day. : "A certain boy is so rude and gives others nicknames at will. You can't just call others whatever they look like, right? "

62. When a police dog saw an ordinary dog ??approaching on the road, he ran to it fiercely and asked: I am a police dog, what are you? The ordinary dog ??looked at it with disdain and said : Idiot, look clearly, I am in plain clothes!