A joke told to his girlfriend before going to bed.

A joke told to his girlfriend before going to bed.

In fact, a girl's heart will always look like a little girl. When you are ready for bed, you can tell your girlfriend some fairy tales to put her to sleep. It is a very good choice! Here are the jokes I carefully arranged for my girlfriend before going to bed. Welcome to share.

The joke told to my girlfriend before going to bed is 1 1. My cousin is still single in his thirties. Once I asked him, "Cousin, there are so many beautiful women in your company, why haven't you found a girlfriend yet?"

My cousin said coldly, "Rabbits don't eat grass beside their nests!"

I said, "at this age, you still' rabbits don't eat grass beside their nests'!"

Cousin said gloomily, "Beauty is a rabbit, and I am grass!" " "

She met him who was lovelorn and drunk on a rainy night and fell in love with him without hesitation. She cooks for him, washes clothes and takes care of the family affairs, but he always just looks at her faintly. Finally one day, he said to her: Don't come again, I love men. She looked shocked, threw him on the bed and said, damn it! If you didn't tell me earlier, I would pretend to be a crazy woman!

When the professor is by the river, he often sees two turtles, shrinking and motionless. One day, I couldn't help asking a farmer curiously: What are these two turtles doing? Farmer: In PK. Professor: I haven't moved. P what k Old farmer: Who lives longer now? Professor: But the one with Oracle Bone Inscriptions on its shell is dead. Just then, the other one suddenly poked his head out and scolded: MD, he died without saying a word.

An honest man picked up girls at night, went home early in the morning to have breakfast with his wife, and told her that I took the bullet train last night.

The wife said, oh, really.

Keep eating.

After a while, the man said to his wife, I took the bullet train last night.

The wife said: I know.

The man couldn't bear it, and said to his wife, I took the bullet train last night.

My wife replied impatiently, I have said it twice.

The husband growled, idiot, I don't understand. I cheated!

5. I once played badminton with some friends, and a beautiful woman played doubles with a buddy. The atmosphere is very pleasant and ambiguous.

The ball is scattered, MM said to the buddy, give me the phone.

The buddy was dumbfounded and said, I have this mobile phone and I still need it.

6. When I was in college, several classmates secretly went to the movies. On the way, the female classmate next to her suddenly grabbed her roommate's hand and said, it's so scary.

The roommate looked at her and told her: You are so timid. Don't be afraid. Everything in the movie is fake.

7. "Dear, I'm at the international airport. I'm going to attend an academic seminar-I've boarded the plane. Oh, my lady, please pay attention-honey, I'm sorry, the stewardess accidentally spilled tea on me just now. "

"Are you, the flight attendant is too good for you, don't even discourage cell phone calls on the plane. Go to hell! Beep "

8. Waiting in line for hot water at school, there is a weak sister paper in front, and finally it's her turn. The lid of her thermos can't be unscrewed. She turned to the boy behind her and said with a gentle smile, "The lid can't be unscrewed."

Just listen to this man calmly say: Then you stand on the side and twist first, and I'll fight first. . .

9. I came back from studying in the library. On a small road, a beautiful woman accidentally slipped and looked at me with poor eyes, thinking that I would help her. . .

I looked at her for a long time and finally said, "Holy shit, you scared me to death." From then on, I became a 24K pure diaosi.

10, introduced an object to my buddy. When we first met, at lunch, he farted. In order to make the woman feel good about him, I quickly said I was sorry. As a result, he burst into laughter and said, "Do you think you farted?" I put it there! ! "

Well, you deserve to lose your job for life.

Jokes told to my girlfriend before going to bed 2 1. At the wedding ceremony, the master of ceremonies "interviewed" the grandfather standing by: "Have you always been satisfied with your daughter-in-law?" My father-in-law smiled and nodded again and again and said, "Satisfied, a hundred satisfied." The MC then asked, "So, do you want your daughter-in-law to give you a grandson or a daughter?" My father-in-law said without thinking, "Everything is fine, everything is fine."

This man keeps two hens at home. One gave birth to a big egg, and the other gave birth to a small egg. In the market, big eggs sell 1.5 yuan, and small eggs sell 1 yuan. For this reason, the man severely scolded the hen that laid small eggs. The hen retorted, "I'm not that stupid." I am so big at fifty cents! " "

My wife and I have been married for three years and have been using TT contraception. Now I have a stable career and want to have children, but my wife said to wait ... I secretly pierced all TT holes, and my wife didn't know. It didn't take long to get pregnant. I pretended not to know and asked my wife what was going on. Something unexpected happened? My wife confessed to me in tears. Once, a very bad eunuch stopped Ji Xiaolan and asked him to tell a joke. Ji Xiaolan said, "Once upon a time, there was a man." Then there was a long silence, and the eunuch couldn't help asking, "What's next?" Ji Xiaolan replied: "There is nothing down there!"

At the railway station, I met a girl who looked sincere and melancholy. She claims to be a college student. Her wallet was stolen and she was cold and hungry. She asked me to do a good deed and show me her student ID card. Looking at her sincere eyes, I really wanted to pay for it, but suddenly I had a flash of light and asked her, "What is the derivative of the fourth power of A?" She froze and mumbled something. I can't see it right. Let's change it to a less difficult one: "What's the sin30 degree?" She ran away.

At the wedding, my wife and I stood on the stage. Master of ceremonies asked: Please ask the groom to express his love for the bride in three languages. Number one: I love you. Second: I love you! I can't think of the third one. Stare blankly for five seconds, the following brothers booed. I am in a hurry: yo-ho, yo-ho, does this flower girl's land work in Costa Rica? The audience burst into laughter and the master of ceremonies collapsed?

7. The boss has a male secretary and a female secretary. Almost all the work is done by male secretaries, while female secretaries do nothing. After a long time, the male secretary complained to the boss, "Why do I have to do all the work?" The boss explained, "Your division of labor is different." The male secretary is puzzled: "What's the difference?" The boss said, "You are office supplies." The male secretary asked, "What about her?" The boss said impatiently, "Bedclothes."

8. Two musicians are chatting. One said, "My first performance was a great success. I received enough flowers for my wife to open a flower shop. " Another said, "When I first performed, the audience liked me very much and gave me a house." "I don't believe they will give you a house." "It's really rewarding. One person will get a brick. "

9, the political teacher is newly married, the first part: a * * * to create a harmonious realm; Right: one in and one out, creating a new generation. Horizontal batch: life lies in sports!

The history teacher's second marriage, Part I: The beauty who attacked Pearl Harbor at night was frightened; Right: Two atomic bombs, Japan and Germany surrendered, and the horizontal batch: World War II.

The math teacher is newly married, the first part: open brackets to solve the square and only seek the root; Right: cross the origin and curve to the end. Horizontal batch: 0 is greater than 1.

10, someone asked the director of the statistics bureau: Some people say that no one in your statistics bureau can count, is that true? The secretary held out three fingers and said, "I gave him five words," nonsense.

1 1, m: Can we meet? Woman: No! I am a good girl, it is a principle not to meet netizens! Man: I really want to see you, okay? Woman: If you treat me as a friend, you must respect me. M: Is that video ok? Woman: OK? But I don't have a camera ~ M: I'll lend it to you. You can pick it up at the school gate at noon. Woman: Hehe, it's too much trouble for you. What time is it now? Man: 12 o'clock, be there or be square ~ woman: ok, thank you, that's very kind of you!

12, an old man's dog died. The old man packed and checked the dead dog and prepared to take it back to his hometown for a funeral. But the people at the airport didn't know it was dead when they checked in, and only when they got off the plane did they find it dead, which frightened them. I thought I killed the dog. So I sent someone to the nearby dog market and bought an identical one. Later, the old man opened his luggage and found that the dog was still alive. So the old man was scared to death.

13, today's parent-teacher meeting ...........................................................................................................................................................

14. Looking back, ancient women had three obedience and four virtues. The so-called "three obedience" means: not marrying from the father, not marrying from the husband, and not marrying from the son. "Four virtues" refers to: moral character, appearance, speech and the way of managing the family, but modern women also have three obedience and four virtues. The so-called "three obedience" means never being gentle, never being considerate and never being reasonable; Fourth, say no, fight no, scold no, and provoke no.

15, the kindergarten class is rehearsing the June 1 program. Parents should participate and shout slogans when they enter. The first class shouted: primary one, win the first place; Class two shouted: Class two is unique; Class three shouted: mistress, mistress, daddy likes it!

16, at night, the last bus, a woman in white sat in the last row. The driver looked in the rearview mirror, and the woman was gone, shocked! Suddenly braking, people sitting there. Keep driving and look in the rearview mirror. The woman is gone. Brake back. The woman is now. Keep driving, look in the rearview mirror, and no more women! Suddenly, the woman came slowly, with messy hair and blood all over her face. She whispered, "Damn fairy, do you have a grudge against me?" As soon as you tie your shoelaces, brake hard "

17, the man was injured and his girlfriend took him to the hospital. In the car, my girlfriend stopped bleeding with a paper towel, and the paper towel was not enough for a while. My girlfriend got up the courage to take out a sanitary towel from her bag and put it on the man's wound, and the bleeding stopped immediately. At this time, the man began to turn purple and his face was livid. When I went to the hospital, the man was sewing a needle and the woman asked him about his illness. The doctor took a sanitary towel and said, this thing sucks blood too much! If you change another piece, it is estimated that this brother will die.

18, A: Look, the boss's female secretary is dressed like a demon these two days! Come here. Smells like a slut! Don't worry! She is like a mosquito-repellent incense at dawn! What do you mean? B: it won't burn for a few laps!

19, the farmer bought a box of rat poison, and the mouse ate it and left. The farmer found the businessman, and the businessman said that he would catch the mouse and send it with warm water. The farmer did it, and so did the mouse. The farmer found the merchant again, and the merchant asked, "How many times have you fed it?" The farmer replied, "Once." The businessman said, "Look at the instructions. Six boxes are a course of treatment.

20. After quarreling with my wife, I came to the room alone, closed the door and lay in bed with my eyes closed. I don't know when my son who went to kindergarten stood in front of the bed and asked in a sympathetic tone, "Are you depressed?" I opened my eyes, looked at my son and sighed. My son patted me on the shoulder and said, "Hey, women are like this!" " I have put up with her for a long time. "

2 1, the white snake deliberately rained to cheat Xu Xian's umbrella, Zhu Yingtai sent her 18 to play the fool on her birthday, the seven fairies blocked Yong Dong's way, and the cowherd took Weaver's clothes while she was taking a bath? These stories tell us that at the beginning of great love, there must be hooligans first. You don't have love, maybe you don't know how to play hooligans?

22. A candidate who applied for medical school saw a question on the examination paper: Please tell me four benefits of breastfeeding. Candidates quickly wrote three answers: no need for heating, convenient to carry and more hygienic. Then he flinched ... after thinking about it, he suddenly realized that the container is pleasing to the eye! Dude, fucking genius!

23. I want to lead 3,000 chengguan, 1500 non-mainstream, 500 China officials, Li Gang, Zeng, Chun and Feng, the three generals who protect the law, to personally conquer the Filipino donkeys! First, China officials were sent to invade the Philippine interior and his country's economy. Then let Brother Zeng destroy their hearing with the sound of sheep. When Sister Feng appeared, they vomited and consumed their strength. Then let 1500 light up their eyes. Then Brother Chun appeared and made them hallucinate! Immediately, Li Gang led the 3000 urban management massacre. Ha ha laugh

24. A funeral car is leaving the funeral home. Just then, a child ran out to chase the funeral car and cried, "Dad, Dad! Don't go! " People around were sympathetic to the child and were about to comfort her when the hearse suddenly stopped? The driver poked his head out of the window and said, What are you arguing about? Dad will take you to play after work.

Jokes told to my girlfriend before going to bed 3 1. Yesterday, I asked a friend who was trading stocks: The stock market has plummeted recently. How did you sleep? He said: Sleep like a baby. I said: you are a master! I can sleep here! He was silent for a long time and said, I often wake up in the middle of the night and cry for a while before going to sleep.

2. I chatted with some brothers one day and talked about private money. They all complain that they will be found anyway. At this time, an uncle stood up and said: My private money is in the bank. They asked again: where should I put the passbook? Uncle: Burn it and make it up when necessary.

3. A beautiful woman stopped to count her marriage when she passed a person who looked at her face. Beauty: I want to ask when I can meet my other half. Fortune teller: Do you want it or not? Beauty: Of course it's on time. Fortune teller: Come back after removing makeup.

4. Playing erhu at home and hearing someone knocking at the door. I think it might be noisy. I opened the door and it was a young man. I felt guilty and wanted to apologize, but the young man said, big brother, I'm new upstairs and I haven't decorated yet. Listen to your home decoration. Come and have a look.

A young mother went to the hospital with her daughter in her arms. The daughter said innocently, Mom, what are we doing here? Mom: an injection. Daughter: Why the injection? Did the needle do something wrong? Doesn't the injection hurt? Five minutes later, my daughter began to growl: this is a needle hitting me, this is a needle hitting me!

6. A female colleague, 140 kg, dances square dance with aunts every night. Yesterday, I was dragged to see. Then someone asked me how I danced. I said, "I think you dance like a little swan ... brand drum washing machine."

7. It is best for children not to make humorous jokes casually before going to bed. Heading is easy to hurt the brain, spanking is easy to hurt the nerves, slapping the face is easy to hurt self-esteem, and slapping your hands and feet is easy to hurt yourself. So try not to call. If you must hit your child and don't want to worry about these problems before, there is only one trick: hit someone else's child!

8. The final exam is coming, and the teacher helps the students to give key hints in class. The teacher said, "This question is very important. Draw stars in front. " Xiaohong said, "Teacher, can you use the box? Orangutans are too difficult to draw. "

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