How to break up without hurting each other?

Breaking up is a sad experience, which will deal a heavy blow to one's ego. A relationship is destined to be an eternal memory of both sides, so breaking up also affects whether both sides can get out of the shadows, continue to live and pursue new love.

Clifford ·NASS, a sociologist at Stanford University in the United States, said: "It is always difficult to break up in person, but the lack of social skills makes it more difficult to break up." Breaking up is hard. It must be clearly ended without hurting the self-esteem of both parties. After all, we met each other's deepest needs. However, many people are completely confused in the handling of breaking up, which leads to the bad behavior of dumping each other everywhere.

As a result, it is very popular to send long-distance text messages to break up, but it owes the dumped person an ending. The United States surveyed a group of young people aged 13 to 17. Among them, 24% people think that texting when breaking up is completely acceptable, and 26% people admit that they did it.

No wonder, the situation of being overly sensitive to breaking up is gradually increasing, and the behavior of stalking the other party is also increasing-3 million people in the United States claim to be plagued by stalking every year. This shows that too many people don't know how to give a relationship a "happy ending".

Physically, breaking up is like quitting smoking and getting clean.

Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University in the United States, found through the study of functional magnetic resonance (fMRI) that in the initial stage of breakup, everyone who was abandoned reacted like the withdrawal symptoms of drug addicts and smokers: in the first few days to weeks, as long as people thought of dumping their lover, several key parts of the brain would get excited: the ventral tegmental area of the midbrain related to love, the nucleus accumbens, and craving and craving.

Naomi Eisenberg, a psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, also found that being rejected by others in social interaction will activate the anterior cingulate cortex and produce adverse reactions such as pain. The significance of breaking up and causing pain lies in letting people know that social ties are very important for human survival and warning people not to cut them off easily.

Pain drives some abandoned lovers to follow each other-they will do anything to eliminate the pain. Fisher believes that this is because breaking up activates the addiction center of the brain, making it difficult for them to give up their lovers, which leads to stalking behavior.

Psychologically, breaking up leads to disillusionment.

Childhood attachment habits affect people's breakup behavior. If a person is taken good care of since childhood, his parents will come to him when necessary, and he can form trust in others, which is a safe attachment mode. When their feelings change, these people will consider each other's feelings and be careful not to hurt each other. Philip Savi, a psychologist at the University of California, said that if they are dumped, these people will admit the pain of lovelorn. This is reasonable. It is inevitable to go through a period of disillusionment after breaking up, but it will soon recover.

In contrast, if a person is not taken care of by his parents as a child, he will gradually form an anxious attachment pattern. They are often reluctant to lose their feelings of failure and are unwilling to bear the pain. Savi said that they rarely break up voluntarily, and they often drag on, and the more they drag on, the more angry they get. If it is the dumped party, it is difficult to let go and it is easy to follow the other party. They often use psychological defense to cope with pain, refuse to admit that the relationship is over, and always regret the lost love, which always leads to irretrievability.

After breaking up, whether a person walks out of the shadows or has been immersed in pain depends on his view of himself. A study on online dating at the University of California found that people with low self-esteem can't let go after being rejected, and often blame themselves and complain about each other.

The examination found that the stress hormone levels in their bodies rose sharply. After breaking up, they all stay at home at night, and even if they are in contact with new lovers, it is difficult to open their hearts again. In contrast, people with high self-esteem can't escape the pain of lovelorn, but they often don't take all the responsibility for breaking up on themselves. Most importantly, these people can see the positive side of breaking up.

1. Don't force the other party to break up first.

If your feelings or needs have changed, your thoughts have diverged, or your life direction is completely opposite, please don't * * * your lover to force each other to break up. Passing the buck is a cunning villain's behavior, which will only cause confusion. These means of manipulating the other party include always saying only one or two words when answering the other party's questions, forcing the other party to get angry. Your lover may not know that you are breaking up, so he asks himself: am I worthless? Am I not attractive anymore? This may make them doubt the loyalty of others, thus affecting their future relationship.

2. Breaking up can only be made in person.

Face-to-face communication can provide soothing functions. We can experience many nonverbal hints from it, which let us know that we are actually worthy of love, such as patting each other on the arm and saying that you are still a good person. Any way to break up except face to face means: "You are nothing."

Some people who have dumped their lovers think that it will be less cruel to break up with their lovers face to face by sending emails, texting or even leaving messages on social networking sites. But this mode of remote sending will actually leave psychological trauma to the other party-when you can't get any explanation, you will spend a lot of time thinking about what you did wrong, and these hard thoughts will lead to depression. John Casiopp, a neuroscientist at the University of Chicago in the United States, said that if there is no direct contact, lovelorn will be particularly painful. This will also create obstacles for each other's future love and prevent them from investing in new feelings.

3. Break up and maintain the dignity of both parties.

Emotional feelings are inevitable when breaking up, so we must prevent ourselves from complaining in advance-to safeguard the dignity of our lover, that is, to safeguard our own dignity. "I don't love you anymore." It's okay to say this, but it can be put mildly, and it doesn't have to be unreserved. If you privately think that lovers are terrible in bed, you'd better not say it. Don't take full responsibility when breaking up, because this general explanation is insincere and disrespectful. John Portman, a philosopher at the University of Virginia, said that you have an obligation to protect each other's self-esteem and not to hurt each other, lest they find it difficult to start a new relationship in the future.

You should give your lover a frank explanation, even in a short sentence, telling him why he can't go on. We can relive the good times we spent together, express our disappointment that the other party's vision cannot be realized, and express our affirmation of the other party's intrinsic value. Roy Baumeister, a psychologist at Florida State University, suggested that it is best to say "You are not the person I am looking for" when breaking up, so as to express clearly without implying that the other party has mistakes or defects. (Source: a psychological network xinli00 1. )

4. Avoid arguments and retaliation

If you expect the other person to overreact, don't argue endlessly. Personal safety is always the first. Besides, the debate can't reach an agreement. For example, the other party always disagrees with your reasons for breaking up, and arguing back and forth will only lead to quarrels. If you can't talk to each other, you may be pulled back into a bad relationship that you want to end.

Pay more attention not to plan revenge, which will not only waste energy, but also make you miss your ex-lover more, thus delaying your recovery.

5. Never "be friends again"

Don't ask the other party to reconsider this relationship. For those who have been dumped, the best way to speed up emotional healing is to accept the fact that this relationship is over. In her neuroimaging research, Helen Fisher found that the drug withdrawal-like reaction of the abandoned person would gradually fade over time, indicating that she was gradually recovering. However, this recovery process is fragile. Once something changes its mind, it will become "addicted" again, such as suddenly receiving the email from the other party. In order to speed up the recovery, it is suggested that both parties should not have any contact, including letters and telephone calls.

Don't put forward "you can still be friends in the future" to cushion the psychological blow of breaking up. Baumeister said that this may help the one who broke up to relieve the guilt, but it may not be a good thing for the jilted, because it may mislead them into thinking that there is still a chance to get back together in the future and hinder the two sides from starting a new love life.

6. Don't think that you have lost your soul mate.

To end a long-term relationship, you have to go through a period of sadness. Portman said that love makes you vulnerable. The sooner you face the pain, the sooner it will disappear.

Baumeister said, don't tell yourself that your lost lover is destined to be together forever. Love makes you deify each other, but it is not. There are many people who are suitable for you. The consequences of breaking up may be serious, but you still have many opportunities to find new lovers. Do you like this article? Share this article with more people ~

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