How to end a friendship

Ways to end friendship

Sometimes, friendship will reach the point where it has to end, so do you want to know how to end friendship?

Jeryl Brunner is a writer in Manhattan. When she was in her twenties, she met a friend, who happened to be the kind of friend you meet when you first arrive in a new city and start working hard. Such acquaintances abound in people's social circles. Her friend is fun, outgoing and fashionable, whether he is dancing all night at Area (Note: a famous New York nightclub) or going on an outing to the Neiman Marcus (Note: a famous American shopping mall brand) discount store in New Jersey for a whole night of shopping On weekends, she is always with you.

But as Ms. Brunner reaches forty, their reasons for spending their leisure time become increasingly unclear. ?It's almost like we're living in different movies. ? said Ms. Brunner, 46. ?We don't all have the same language on the basic question of what is important. I'm not very interested in material things. I'm the type of person who would spend $100 to see a show or have some kind of experience. Her pleasure comes from owning a Gucci handbag. ?

She decided it was time to leave her friends. So, Ms. Brunner adopted the "bad boyfriend method" and stopped calling her. Her friend didn't pay much attention the first few times, but after a few awkward conversations in which she asked why Ms. Brunner was always too busy to meet, her friend finally understood what she meant. But several years have passed, and the issue of breaking off diplomatic relations still seems to have not been completely resolved.

?I wish I could have handled it differently. ? Ms. Brunner said, ?I think instead of letting them continue to make random guesses, they should be responsible for others. ?

Jeryl Brunner claimed that she used the "bad boyfriend" method of no more phone calls and no contact with a friend she wanted to distance herself from.

Is there a right way to tell a friend it's time to call it quits?

Thanks to Facebook, the concept of "unfollowing" has become part of online culture. With the click of a mouse, you can remove someone from your friends list, never have to read an annoying status update, never look at a vacation photo, and have that person disappear from your life forever.

This is not the case in the real world. Even though studies show that it's natural or inevitable for people to weed their social circles as adults, people who actually try to unfollow their friends in real life find that things go as follows. A mini-divorce dispute? A mixture of awkward exchanges, silly excuses, hurt feelings, and lingering ill will.

Even the least picky of socialites will admit that sometimes it’s necessary to cross someone’s name off their little black book.

Roger Horchow is a Broadway producer who became famous for playing an excellent "connector" in Malcolm Gladwell's "The Turning Point", which means that he can play with social circles, Its potential talent is to maintain the relationship between a group of friends in the social circle. But even he had to put some people on the shelf.

People begin to get rid of their "first friends", that is, those friends they met when they were single in the early days, or colleagues they met when they first started working, or couples who got married early, and their children look like It still looks like you were born. ? Mr. Horchow said that he and his daughter Sally wrote the book "The Art of Friendship: 70 Simple Rules to Help You Build Meaningful Relationships" (St. Martin's Press, 2006).

Psychologists believe this is an inevitable stage of life when people become mature and aware of who they are, what they want to achieve for the rest of their lives, and to a certain extent It becomes clear which friends deserve your full attention and which ones are just draining your energy. In other words, time has filtered out the friends people made when they were young, but at that time people still made friends for the sake of "the more the merrier".

This screening process even has a scientific name: socioemotional selection theory, a term coined by Laura L. Carstensen, a professor of psychology and director of the Stanford Longevity Center in California. Dr. Carstensen’s data shows that the number of communications with acquaintances begins to decrease after the age of 17 (assuming this is after the extremely socially active high school years), and then increases again between the ages of 30 and 40, until the age of 40 to 50 It started to decrease significantly during this period.

When the time horizon is still long, typically when people are young, we collect friends, explore friendships, and we are interested in all kinds of novel things. Dr. Carstensen says, "You may go to a party you don't want to go to, but know you should go, and that's often where you meet your future partner." ?

Some people will think of Joan Didion (Annotation: famous American writer and literary critic)'s essay "Goodbye to All That" (Goodbye to All That). In the article, Ms. Didion recalls a taxi ride she took when she was 23, during which she tried to persuade an older male friend to accompany her to a party because there would be some "new faces" there.

She wrote: He almost choked with laughter. ?She went on to write: ?It seemed like the last time he went to a party where someone was guaranteed to have ?new faces?show up, there were 15 people in the room, 5 of the women had slept with him and only 2 of the men he had not. Oweed money. ?

However, this is not the only problem that arises after the temples start to turn gray. When people reach their 30s, and many of them go through life changes such as getting married and having children, they often feel overwhelmed by responsibilities, so they become less and less patient with friends who are less important, Carol Landau said Dr., a clinical professor of psychiatry at Brown University School of Medicine.

But the process doesn’t always have to be painful. Annie Cardi, a 27-year-old children's author in Boston, recently discovered at a party at the University of Virginia that an old college friend and she had cut off contact with each other. During the party, they were talking to their same friend, and then awkwardly discovered who the two of them were. Neither of them invited the other party to their upcoming wedding.

?This is nothing personal; we just naturally grew apart. ? Ms. Cardi said, ?In fact, after the conversation, we were relieved, the misunderstanding was completely resolved, and neither of us felt bad when we left. I know I would be happy for her if I saw her wedding photos posted on Facebook. ?

But when the urge to break up is not two-way, you have to think twice.

?Before you end a friendship, the first step is to think very, very seriously about whether you want to end this particular friendship or if you just want to tone it down. says Jan Yager, a friendship coach and author of When Friendships Hurt: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Hurt You (Simon & Schuster, 2002). ?It is always more polite to push away a little bit than to stop sharing privacy all of a sudden. ?

Passive methods sometimes work. Marni Zarr, 46, is a substitute teacher in the Mesa area of ??Arizona. A friend she knew from her parents' circle was dragging her down because she was always clingy and very competitive. When she decided to break off the friendship, she adopted a passive approach. . Ms. Zarr said as little about herself as possible during conversations, stopped talking about her feelings, and was vague about her future ambitions.

?I adopted a strategy of distancing myself: not responding to the topic immediately. ?She recalled, ?I answered important things, but not responded to? Hi, how are you, how was your evening? Those kind of questions. ?

The passive approach worked. Gradually, Ms. Zarr became less close and more acquainted, but eventually she felt guilty for putting her former best friend in a painful state of self-doubt. .

She asked our other friends: "Do you know what's going on? Does Marni have a problem with me?" Ms. Zarr recalled, "Friends just said, "Oh, no, she It's really busy. ?I am very busy. Anyone can be busy. But if you really want to hang out with your friends, you still make time for them, even if it’s just for a few minutes.

Mr. Horchow, 83, has been carefully adding and subtracting friends since Franklin Roosevelt became president, preferring a more gentlemanly approach.

Dumping a friend at any age is a very delicate matter and should be handled kindly. ?He said, ?You don?t want to announce that your friendship is declining or over; you don?t want to have to say something. If you are asked why you haven't seen each other for a long time, you have to be vague. ?I'm just too busy? Or? I've been traveling a lot lately.

Indeed, honesty may not be the best strategy, said Dr. Landau of Brown University: "You have to remember that white lies are advisable in order not to hurt other people's feelings." ?

The passive approach works in estranged friendships, says Jeff Newelt, a social media consultant in Manhattan. In his line of work, he thought his job was to make friends, but a few years ago he decided he needed to clear up some of the excess.

His solution was to divide his social base into two broad categories: "Linear" (lasting friendships based on deep feelings) and "Nonlinear" friends (based solely on past friendships) experiences such as casual friendships at old jobs).

? Some of my colleagues and friends often go out to relax together after get off work, in order to cultivate team chemistry, or because someone is my boss. Mr. Newelt, 40, said, "After I left, my friendship with these people was still maintained." I don't hate them. I like them. So I dumped them. I'm less ruthless when dumping because I like them; I don't want to hurt their feelings. When they asked me to hang out, I just said I had other plans. Every time I did this, a few more times, and so on, they understood. No talking, no gnashing of teeth, no crying. ?

But not all friends (or ex-friends) will be dumped so easily. When Carolyn Miller, an office manager in Norwalk, Connecticut, was in her mid-30s, she realized she was no longer willing to put up with an old friend's domineering style, so she sent her an ultimatum via email, listing her various problems. dissatisfied and asked to part ways. Her friends called her and begged her to reconsider. Ms. Miller stuck to her guns.

When Ms. Miller’s grandfather died a few weeks later, the friend sent her a letter oddly stating that he had been a distinguished veteran (even though her grandfather had not been). (who had joined the army), and soon after, another invitation to her wedding was sent. Ms. Miller returned the card and declined the invitation, and the friend called her to ask why.

When she made that phone call, Ms. Miller knew it was time to put their friendship to death. ?I wish you a life full of love, joy, peace and happiness going forward, but our friendship is over. "I said goodbye and hung up the phone," Ms. Miller recalled. That night, I met another friend for a drink, and to be honest, I was sad. I got divorced from a friend. ?

Dorree Lynn, a psychologist in Washington, D.C., recalled that she once alienated a female friend because she felt that they no longer shared the same values, and the result was gossip in their social circle. Word spread.

?There are rumors that I have become a snob. ?She said, ?This is so cruel. ?

Many relationship experts recommend that the best way to avoid slander and lasting bad feelings is to adopt some kind of direct approach, the kind of tactics you use when a relationship falls apart. The minimum way to overcome a rumor problem is to write a sincere letter or even an email (but never text; that would be cruel).

Erika Holiday, a clinical psychologist in Elsinore, Calif., who talks about relationship problems on TV shows like Dr. Phil, says a heart-to-heart conversation in person is better.

? Make an appointment for a time when you can sit down with your friends. ? Dr. Holiday said, ?Not to criticize the other person, but to tell them, ?You and my life are no longer in sync, and our life trajectories are different. ?

An experimental separation can soften the blow.

You may also want to suggest taking a break or reconnecting after a few weeks or months. Friendship coach Dr. Yager says, "Your ex-best friend may spend more time and energy focusing on other viable friendships and forget to get back in touch with you when the time comes." ?

Such a direct approach may be effective in the end, but it can still cause the same pain and awkwardness as a breakup, says Erika Johnson, a blogger who lives in Boston. A few years ago, she found herself doing a cost-benefit analysis of friendships she'd developed since her early 20s, when they began to torture her.

Every time she made a choice in her life, whether it was to go back to graduate school or move to the suburbs, this friend would respond with contempt. Ms. Johnson decided to end the friendship with a phone call.

What I want to say is that life is short and I value my own happiness very much and try to eliminate these negative distractions. ? Ms. Johnson recalled. For months, the former friend kept trying to contact her. Ms. Johnson felt terrible, especially when their best friend told her about the pain she had caused her friend.

But in the end, the feedback from ***’s friends began to change. They said her old friend had been doing some soul-searching since their friendship ended. Ms. Johnson concluded that the pain they had endured in the past might have been worth it, and she might even consider rekindling their relationship.

Then there’s another question: Do friendships end?

More than 10 years ago, before social networking sites introduced “unfollow” into everyday vocabulary, a Toronto private Strength and conditioning coach Scott Laing tried to unfollow a friend. When he was in his 20s, he liked to go to bars and play pool with this friend, but now he feels that there is a gap between them. Mr Laing, 46,'s "end game" strategy was to use a trip to Europe as an opportunity to distance himself physically and emotionally from his friends. He sent a few postcards in the first three months and then lost contact. He thought, this is the end.

However, last spring, he was surprised to find that for the first time in 15 years, that friend took the initiative to contact him. He added him as a friend on Facebook. ;