Jokes about the weekend

1. When you are tired from work, I will give you a bottle of NutriExpress, wishing you to be mentally relaxed; when you are bored at work, I will give you a cup of sweet orange, which will make your heart broad and affectionate. May you always have happiness. Good mood. I wish you happiness every day and high salary every day.

2. The dyed steamed buns are right, the lean meat is a hundred times more energetic, the Sudan has a red face, the gutter has a smooth tone, the Sanlu milk powder is decorated with peace, the beef paste is beautiful, and the sulfur ginger Taigong fishes. Health is a blessing, may you keep it and be happy.

3. My wife was cleaning at home. I saw that she was sweating profusely while wiping the table, so I went up to her and asked her, "Are you tired from wiping the table?" My wife nodded vigorously at me: " "Well, I'm tired!" "Then don't clean the table," I said to my wife gently, "mop the floor."

4. I went to my girlfriend's house for dinner and drank more with my future father-in-law. After a few drinks, I didn’t come back. Then she arranged for me to sleep in her study room, and I woke up in the middle of the night with some bad thoughts. So he quietly came to his girlfriend's room, then jumped on her, lifted the quilt and saw that it was her mother. I felt like the whole world had fallen!

5. Are you bored at work? Let's play by tossing a coin: if it's heads, go online, if tails, go to sleep, if it's up, you'll work, if it's tilted, you'll work hard, if it breaks, you'll apply for overtime. If two coins fall out, you can resign and go back to throwing coins every day!

6. In class, a boy talked to a girl and was scolded by the teacher. The boy said: "I just asked her a question." If you have any questions, you should ask me. "The teacher said. "Okay, would you like to go on a date with me on Friday night? ”

7. There was a traffic jam on the bus on the way home, and I listened to the driver and the conductor chatting. He said that there was also a traffic jam one day, and the bus took a detour. A passenger on the bus said that he knew the road, and then the bus turned left and right under the guidance of the passengers. . Finally the passenger said: I'm home, get off...

8. The withered grass is waiting for the footsteps of spring, and the beautiful flower buds are waiting for the call of hope. Friends who are traveling outside, I ask you. The wind brings care and blessings, and waits for the news of your safe return.

9. I have always been by your side and worried about you again and again. Did you have enough to eat and sleep today? Okay? Will it be cold late at night? I have always known that you just don’t take care of yourself. Whenever I walk away, you jump out of the pig pen.

10. Man: You are so kind. Okay, can you be my treasure? Female: I don’t want you, I don’t want you. Male: It’s not good to be angry. It’s easy to get old if you’re angry. Female: It’s not good to be stubborn.

11. It’s just a gust of wind, but it’s so eternal. It’s just a dream, but it’s so real. You lower your head and say nothing, but I can’t calm down. I finally can’t help but say to you: Next The first time you fart, say it!

12. Not every flower can represent love, but roses can; not every tree can withstand thirst, but poplars can; not every tree can stand up to thirst. Even pigs can read text messages, but you did it. Congratulations!

13. After a student who was born on the edge of the Taklimakan Desert was admitted to college, the villagers beat gongs and drums to celebrate, and he burst into tears of gratitude. Just as I was about to express my gratitude, I unexpectedly heard an old man shouting: There is one less person to fight for water with us!

14. The river flows eastward, where can the person who loves me go? , I want to take you away; if you see how infatuated I am, don’t care about the car or the building; I don’t care about your height or weight, as long as you are willing to hold hands, I will follow you wherever you go.

15. On the weekend, I saw a man arguing with my beloved goddess on the street. During the quarrel, the man actually moved his hands. As a man, how could I just watch my beloved goddess being bullied? So I covered my eyes with my hands.

16. Bandit leader: How is the situation now? Bandit: Report, there is a sniper twenty meters ahead. Bandit leader: *** , then why don't you kill him? Bandit: Do you want them to change to a more accurate one? 17. Wonderful animal quotes - Squid: Why does a belly full of ink become a thief? No matter how big your pocket is, it’s still a rat! Rat: Hey! How can you not grow old if you worry about food and drink all day long?

18. A man has symptoms of an affair: he works overtime every day, never does housework, and only goes home with his cell phone. I shut it off, delete text messages after replying, snore loudly when I go to bed, and often wear the phone from behind.

If the control test meets three criteria, it is considered suspected, and if four criteria are met, the diagnosis can be confirmed.

19. A four-year-old boy kissed a three-year-old girl. The girl said to the boy: You must be responsible for me if you kiss me. The boy patted the girl's shoulder maturely and said with a smile: Don't worry, we are not children of one or two years old anymore!

20. Take MM to the gym and demonstrate various equipment to her. One of them is a rubber band exercise for your lats. MM suddenly said something, do you come here every night to pimp? I fainted on the spot.

21. How to treat a man correctly: help him spend money when he has money; avoid him when he has no money; follow him when he is prosperous; abandon him when he is frustrated; attack him when he is lonely; leave him when he is desperate; Help him when he commits suicide; torture him when he gets old!

22. April Fool's Day is here. You have fun fooling the people. You can amuse yourself by being a fool, and you can amuse yourself by being a fool. You can be stupid in your work, your thoughts are as wise as a fool, your wealth is as stupid as every month, and your life is as stupid as water. Enjoy the joy of foolish water and endless happiness and foolishness!

23. The bear said to Neng: He is so poor, all four bear paws were sold; the soldier said to Qiu: Brother, you may have stepped on a landmine, why are your legs gone? They said to each other: My dear, I have been pregnant for such a long time without saying a word; Guo said to Naked: Brother, you are worse than a *** with your clothes on! The scarf said to the coin: Putting on the doctor's hat will make you worth a hundred times; the minister said to the giant: The area is the same, but mine has three bedrooms and two living rooms.

24. A Yuan is studying abroad. One day, he found that his living expenses had been used up in advance, so he hurriedly sent a telegram to his family asking for help. There were only four words in the telegram: Out of ammunition and food. A few days later, Ayuan received a call back from home: Hold on!

25. One day, the greedy puppy jumped on the table to look for food again and found a roast chicken. When he was about to eat it, the owner suddenly shouted: If you dare to do anything to that chicken, I will do it to you. How about you! So the puppy licked the penis.

26. Autumn is coming again in the blink of an eye, and I have never stopped thinking about you; although the distance is far away, my care for you has never diminished; don’t forget your friends’ care, and send you a text message to remind you; rest more and embrace happiness when the weekend comes. Good mood!

27. A lame man, a blind man and a bald man are chatting. They have to use one sentence to describe themselves as the boss. The lame man spoke first and said: I am arbitrary, so I am the boss! Not to be outdone, the blind man said: I am arrogant, so I am the boss! Finally, the bald man said calmly: I am lawless, so I am the real boss!

28. On Labor Day, you should do the "Five Ones": take a nap and get rid of fatigue; stretch and be in good spirits; be lazy once and all stress will disappear; be a lazy person , no worries; receive a blessing: in a wonderful mood!

29. I asked for four smiles for you in front of the Buddha: a slight smile, and troubles will disappear; a faint smile, sadness will disappear; a sweet smile, youth will not grow old; a haha ??smile, good fortune! After reading the message, smile!

30. Although everyone says you are ugly, in fact you are just not obviously beautiful. As long as I'm standing next to you, your natural beauty will be visible to all. Hold my hand for the rest of your life, and you will be like an immortal descending to earth. What are you waiting for, reach out quickly.

31. Haha is a happy smile; hehe is a knowing smile; hehe is a snicker; hum is a sneer; hehe is a sly smile; hoho is a superficial smile. This text message will make you smile. If you dare not smile, next time we meet, we will eat, drink and laugh with you!

32. This text message is not interesting. In fact, it is just a little meaning. If you don’t read it, it is meaningless. (next88) If you don’t understand the meaning, it will be even less interesting. What I mean is that it means something. Whether it is interesting or not is the same. Meaning: Stun you.

33. God told me that if I don’t bless you on the weekend, the national treasure will not eat, the rooster will lay eggs, the sun will dim, and the earth will stop spinning immediately. In order to prevent chaos in the world, I can only wish you: double your money, happiness and peace!

34. Someone went to the Northeast on a business trip and asked for beer at a restaurant. The waiter asked, do you want room temperature or refrigerated? Someone said angrily, "You still let me drink refrigerated drinks in this cold weather!" The waiter calmly said that the normal temperature is minus 15° and the refrigerated temperature is minus 1°

35. The unit organized a physical examination. The nurse said that the leader’s heart rate had been abnormal, so she asked the chief physician to re-examine. After the re-examination, the director kindly said Tell the nurse: Fasten the buttons on your chest from now on to improve work efficiency.

36. Four mice brag: A: I eat rat poison as candy every day; B: I don’t step on a mouse for a day and itch my feet; C: I don’t feel safe on the street only a few times a day; D : It’s getting late. Let’s go home and pick up the cat.

37. Today, I drove on a toll road. The car broke down while approaching a toll booth. I had to wait in the smoking car, crying and watching other cars whizz by. Until a patrolman came over and helped me push the car through the toll booth. The woman at the toll booth told me that she sympathized with me, but she still charged me 3 yuan.

38. A child stole a parrot raised in a brothel home. As soon as he entered the door, the parrot screamed: Moving! When he saw his mother, he yelled again: The boss has changed too! When he saw his sister, he shouted again: "The lady has changed too!" When he saw his father, he yelled again: We are still a regular customer!

39. A novice fisher first tried fishing through a leaf, but no fish took the bait for a long time. He tried changing the bread but it still didn’t bite, and tried changing the earthworms again, but it still didn’t work. The person angrily took out a hundred yuan and threw it into the water. Here, go buy what you want to eat!

40. Not having sex with girls is a treacherous act. If you see a girl, you will do it for the sake of heaven. The breasts are high and the more you touch them, the more sexy they become. A slender waist and a body full of unique skills. Tiny and endless. *** Qiaoqiao, I want to finish and I want more.

41. A woman was having a tryst with her lover at home. Her boyfriend called and the lover asked: "Who?" The woman said it was a man. The lover wanted to leave immediately, but the woman said: "Don't leave, he said he is playing cards with you in the office and will come back later."

42. Who is the most patriotic among several classmates? A said: "I never buy foreign products." B said: "I never watch foreign movies." C looked up at the sky and said loudly: "I always fail the foreign language exam."

43. You are really a pig. You eat and sleep, wake up and eat again. You don’t do any exercise. You have successfully become famous in the obese world. You are also clumsy in doing things. You are optimistic at all times and naively think that everything is beautiful. But I just I like pigs because I am also a pig.

44. The teacher wanted the sports committee member to confirm whether all the girls in the class were here, so he said to him: "Go and check out all the girls in the class." The sports committee member was a little pervert, so he hurriedly asked: "Dear "Which one?" The teacher said, "I know I want you to go!"

45. Nong Ben is a passionate man, now twenty-three years old. After graduating from college, he is still at home. My father is a principal and my mother is a deputy county magistrate. They have no worries about food and clothing and are not afraid to spend money. If you want to find a virtuous wife, come with me to be alone, live in the right house, and live a happy year.

46. The grass is green, the flowers are blooming, the sun is shining, and the weather is really nice. Move around, smile on your face, stretch your body, shake your head, oh, I have to remind you that when the temperature is high, the feed will easily deteriorate, and eating it is not good for your health!

47. Once at work, I asked a colleague if he had any novels at home, but he thought it was a small table. So I said yes. I asked him what it was like, and he said it was square!

48. The Seven Fairies were bathing in the lake. Bajie wanted to take a peek and was worried. At this time, Tang Monk came over and shouted to the lake: "Donor, be careful that there are crocodiles in the lake." The Seven Fairies hurriedly climbed onto the shore. ! Bajie: "The leader's IQ cannot be surpassed!"

49. I took my youngest son to attend my friend's birthday. After dinner, everyone went to karaoke, and the younger son volunteered to sing for the protagonist. There was applause. I sang a birthday song for my uncle. There was an uproar. I looked back at the screen: praying.

50. The nanny’s voice was very loud. The master told her that the people coming tonight are all distinguished people, so she must speak softly. After dinner, the host and the guests played cards. The nanny finished cleaning and wanted to go to bed early, so she leaned close to the host and whispered in his ear: "Then I'll go to bed first."

51. The director's driver was busy washing the dishes. In the Nissan Bluebird, the director's female secretary came over and laughed and said: Why are you washing the director's "bird" so clean? The driver said: It’s easy for you to use after cleaning it!

52. Smile, ten years later: A drunk man accidentally fell from the balcony on the second floor, attracting many people to watch. When the police arrived, they shook the drunk man awake and asked him what was going on. The drunk man Answer: I don’t know, I just arrived.

53. I was having an affair with my husband today. I wore his shirt on the bed early and made a ecstasy pose. As soon as my husband came in, he came to take off my clothes in a hurry.

As he was picking it up, he said, "This shirt is expensive, so don't break it!"

54. It rained in a mental hospital, and all the people took their things and went out to take a shower. When the director saw that someone didn't go, he asked him why he didn't go. He said they were too stupid. Yes, I'll wait for the water to heat up before going.

55. Two corn kernels got married. The next morning, the male corn kernel woke up and found popcorn lying next to him. He asked strangely: Where is my wife? Popcorn said shyly: I hate it! If you destroy someone with one shot, you won't recognize them anymore.

56. A death row prisoner was about to be executed. The jailer lit a cigarette and wanted him to take one last puff. The death row prisoner quickly waved his hand and said: I have quit smoking. Smoking is harmful to health!

57. It is said that on Arbor Day, uplifting saplings, taking amino acids internally, applying vitamins externally, and adding some pigments can help growth and development; in addition, spreading soil and farmyard manure on the head will increase height, and the effect is good. , you try it quickly.

58. I have always had a crush on her when I was studying, but I didn’t have the courage to confess, let alone touch her. After graduation, she got married, and her husband and I were classmates. That afternoon, she was nursing the baby, and I made a good excuse. I walked up to her, pressed her breasts with both hands, and then told her, "Call me uncle. If you don't cry, I won't feed you!"

59. A mental patient was lying on the bed singing. As he sang, he rolled over and crawled there to continue singing. The doctor said: Just sing, why are you crawling there and singing? The patient said: Silly Yeah, after you finish singing side A, of course you have to sing side B.

60. The bear went to the puppy’s house to play, and it started raining heavily at night. The puppy let the bear stay, and when the puppy made his bed, the bear disappeared. After a long time, the bear trembled in front of the door like a drowned rat. The dog asked: Where did it go? Xiong: I went home to get my pajamas.

61. On Labor Day, move, move your feet, walk around the mall; move your eyes, look at the good scenery; move your mouth, talk to someone; move your waist, exercise your body; Take action and speak with care. On Labor Day, we can’t stand still!

62. I used to be just an ordinary knight, until that day I saw you, the most mysterious person in the world, and accidentally called out your name, so people in the world respectfully called me - Zhizhuxia. !

63. After dinner, I looked in the mirror and saw that my temples were all gray. I couldn't help but said quietly: "Honey, can we just grow old together?" My daughter-in-law looked at the TV news and said: "Well, they said divorce. The world is not far away.”

64. A thief stole a beggar’s wallet and was seen by the blind man. The mute roared, which shocked the deaf man. The lame man flew up and kicked him. He sent him to the police station, and Mazi said: Forget it for my sake.

65. A farmer PJ, JI said: "The grass is ten yuan a time, the chair is twenty yuan a time, and the bed is fifty yuan a time. The farmer threw out fifty yuan, JI smiled and said: Sir, he is so sentimental. Yo! The farmer said: "It's so sexy, fifty yuan, five times on the grass."

66. When I was shopping with her, she accidentally fell down. I went to help her and found that her hand was broken, but the mala hotpot in her hand did not spill out at all!

67. Starting from tomorrow, the city has decided to eliminate all mentally retarded young people who are ugly and detract from the appearance of the city! Pack your things quickly and go out to avoid the limelight. Don't tell anyone that I informed you, and remember not to say thank you!

68. An old man went to see a doctor. The doctor prescribed a medicine for him and said to him, "The medicine will be effective for twelve hours." The old man nodded and laughed as he walked. Still laughing when I got home. His family asked him what happened? He said the doctor told me to laugh for twelve hours!

69. A young man is driving a car. He holds the steering wheel with one hand and holds the girl with the other. I was discovered by the traffic police on the road. The traffic police shouted: "Hey! Use both hands!" The young man turned around and said: "You think I am stupid, the car will overturn!"

70. Open the window and let The indoor air is fresh; open the file and make a to-do list; relax your mind and pursue peace and tranquility; convey care and send warm blessings. Blessings from my friends, I hope you have fun at work!

71. I entrust a reliable mosquito to find you. It will tell you that I miss you very much and ask it to kiss you for me, because I can’t get close to you. I hope you don’t use mosquito coils and mosquito coils. Mosquito killer, it will send you a lot of "red envelopes" for me.

72. Dinner with an upper-middle-class family.

My husband is doing well in stock trading at home and said that he has been "doing pretty well" in the past two or three months. The son-in-law works in the financial sector and humbly calls him "earn some bubble money." The mother-in-law firmly says, "The more bubbles, the better!"

73. Dialogue between Rice and Barrel - Rice: Why do you He just refuses to hug me, and after so many years of dating, do you know how hurt I feel? Bucket: I think so too! But then we will really become a loser, so we have to endure it!