45 classic funny quotations that make people laugh.

1, life is like a pancake, you have to turn it over several times before it matures.

As a monster, my wish is to destroy at least one Altman.

3. I chased a bus by taxi in the morning and arrived at the terminal.

You can't eat as a meal, but I'm full as soon as I see you.

5, shameless, doing well is called excellent psychological quality.

6. Laozi is my son's passport, and my son is Laozi's epitaph.

7. I only have eyes for you. Okay ... so I'm just an eye drop.

8. Tea is really pitiful. If you soak it, praise it. If you soak it, throw it away mercilessly.

9. When there is no money, there are a group of friends; When you have money, there are a group of bodyguards. ...

10, the egg breaks its food from the outside and its life from the inside.

1 1, to tell the truth, I only vomit after drinking.

12, before the end, go to the supermarket to eat, preferably until you die.

13. Metal detectors are not only used for security inspection, but also used by some people to pick up garbage.

14, what if the world ends? Suicide. Why? Go down and sit down for a while.

15, the person I secretly loved changed his hairstyle yesterday, and I suddenly felt that I had changed my mind.

16, how many people's reputations have been ruined by so-called good friends.

17, a good girlfriend can save you 200G hard disk.

18, the Monkey King is too fickle, so she is destined to be single.

19, the wind is rustling and the water is cold. If you owe money, you have to pay it back.

20. People have lost weight, waist and buttocks. Why do we have to start with brain cells?

2 1, I asked God: How to be happy at the same time about forget the sorrow. God replied: Drive yourself crazy.

22. When you think that the person you like also likes you, it is usually that you think too much.

Since I bought insurance, I haven't looked at the traffic lights when I walk.

China Mobile and China Unicom are husband and wife. Gave birth to a baby named China Telecom!

25, the last doomsday dinosaurs all died; So I'm worried about you this time.

26. It is said that cutting a flat head is a lifelong pride, so is it smart to cut a pig's head?

27. Laugh for ten years, then laugh at wrinkles.

28. How many people in the world owe you money, making you feel like you're dead every day.

29, the three laws of the workplace; : either bear it! Either hard! Or get out!

30. Friendship is like a vase, it will break when you break it.

3 1, I connected all my memories into a movie, and a tragedy happened.

The Smurfs sang to Avatar, "When I grow up, I will be you".

33. Either don't work hard or don't work hard.

Dreams can't be measured by money, otherwise your dreams will depreciate.

This book is so good that I have been reluctant to read it.

36. The ideal man in a woman's mind is actually: Guan Yunchang has something to do and Ximen Qing has nothing to do.

37, the disease from the mouth, the disaster from the mouth, shut up the safest!

Although giving up won't kill you, you won't give up even if you die.

39. Be sure to live well, grow old slowly, get sick late and die quickly.

40. You are a thick-skinned person, claiming to treat people well.

4 1, family affairs, state affairs, no money to eat is a big deal!

42. I am human, but you are not me, so you are not human.

43. People have four states: busy, busy, busy and unhurried.

44. Why do you feel sleepy when reading? Because books are where dreams begin.

45. When money stood up and spoke, all truths fell asleep.

45 classic funny quotations-funny quotations

When I was a child, I usually sold popsicles and ice cream by pushing bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks.

One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call his uncle, but he dialed the wrong number.

Say, "Dad, come and sit down!" ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted: Give me a stick-cut "Double Jay" every week.

In the past, the teacher handed out papers, and the girls at the back took one more and shouted, "Teacher, I have it, I have it." As a result, the boy sitting next to him said, "It's mine, it's mine". The whole class was stunned ~ ~ ~ No way, who made me like to be lazy at work?

My friend's child is half a year old, so I'm calling to care about it. After a few commonplaces, he said: Is your child eating human milk or your milk now?

One night, I met an acquaintance and said, "Good morning."

In the evening, a roommate came into the room and announced loudly, "I watched the midnight edition of The American Ring today!" "

Because of business trip, I have to go to a domestic bank to repair equipment. After I got out of the hotel and got into a taxi, I said to the female driver, "Go to China Bank and find a hardware store to buy a knife." Sweat! I was going to buy a screwdriver. I didn't notice that I was wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said, "Big Brother, I'm going to get off work. Please find a new taxi. " At that time, I was very angry and said, "What car did you stop at the hotel after work?" ! ? The female driver looked at me and said, "I don't want the fare after buying the knife. Please find another one. "dizzy! ! ! Only then did I realize that I was wrong, and I quickly explained it for a long time. Now that I think about it, I feel sorry for the female driver.

The political teacher once said in a lecture, "Let me give you an example." Then he felt wrong and said, "give me an example."

In junior high school, the teacher asked the translator. Who is this person? A classmate translated: Whose man is this? The whole class laughed and the teacher was speechless.

In the political class, I talked about the political problems between China and Japan, and talked about the Japanese samurai committing suicide by caesarean section. The teacher said, "Japanese samurai were all delivered by caesarean section before they died ~ ~ ~"

When I was in college, one of my classmates just bought a mobile phone, got a mobile card and dialed 1860 to ask about it. At that time, he was excited: May I ask about your mobile phone business? . . From hands-free, we actually heard the telephone operator say politely: We are moving to bring business. . . The whole dormitory laughed wildly.

My husband is thin. Once I was in a hurry and said, "Honey, you look as thin as a pig!" " "

Original broadcast: Two gangsters wounded 1 10 police and fled. The announcer read: Two gangsters wounded 1 10 policemen and fled. (Huang Feihong reincarnated! )

One of our colleagues, when going to take the driver's license test, said a classic sentence to the examiner: report the instrument, the examiner is normal.

I remember once, when I went to KFC with a sister, I heard her muttering in the queue, a chicken leg burger and a pair of chicken wings. .....................................................................................................................................

Tell me about KFC's new "flesh and blood connection" (mutton kebabs have brittle bones) and let me take her to eat. It was extremely hot in Beijing these days, and I went to the restaurant in a daze.

I said to the smiling miss KFC: please give me two glasses of "blood", thank you! ............. is ashamed _!

A boy saw his uncle: "buy two dishes for uncle!" " "Uncle:" The child is so boastful that he can't even tell anyone! " "

A shy male classmate went to the canteen to have breakfast. In the window, the host asked him, "What do you want?" He lowered his head and said, "I want … I want … a steamed stuffed bun, a steamed stuffed bun." The master stared at him for a long time and asked, "What do you want? Say it again! " "I want a steamed stuffed bun, a steamed stuffed bun ... oh. Don't! A steamed bun, a loaf of bread! "

In English class, the teacher said, "Good morning, teacher!" " Student: "Good morning, student!" The whole class burst into laughter.

A classmate called a friend's house and his grandfather answered it. This classmate doesn't know what he is thinking. He just said, "Grandpa, I'm grandma ..." Suddenly he felt something was wrong and hung up with a bang. ...

A buddy once asked a girl he had long admired, ready to confess to her. They sat for a long time before he got up the courage to say to the girl, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

The girl replied shyly, "Not yet." He was ecstatic: "Then can you be my boyfriend?"

The wife asked reproachfully, you don't even know your grandmother's name? The husband is very wronged to answer, how should I know? My grandmother was only seven years old when I died.

Wife surprised: What? Husband quickly changed his mouth: no, no, my grandmother died at the age of seven!

My mother said to me before going out to play mahjong, "You put all your clothes in the refrigerator and put all your dishes in the washing machine."

Once I came out from my mother to find my wife. Seeing my wife, I habitually called out, "Mom!"

Two people bickered, and suddenly a man next to them came out and said, "You are really full and have nothing to do!" " "

In the unit's toast, a leader said, "I wish you good health ..." Hold your breath, and there will be no more words.

Old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

Once I went to buy mutton kebabs and put out four fingers and said to my boss, "Three mutton kebabs." The boss got "how much?" I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" That's when I yelled at that guy!

When my parents quarreled, my father said angrily, "I want to go out!" " "

Just went to college, military training, the company commander didn't know where the accent was, and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

When I was in college, I heard a girl order: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I would graduate. I wanted to say 2000, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago. . . "What's more, the examiner sighed and said," Confucius' student. "

At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

Tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying!

Me: "That's our physics teacher. . . "Classmate:" What do you teach? " Me: "Chemistry. . . "

One day when I was at school, a phone call came to me. My classmate answered, handed it to me and said, "Your mother wants you." As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said "men and women" Everyone laughed wildly. After being laughed at for four years, a beautiful woman worries about marrying. Dude, I don't think I won.

Once my classmate's mother called, I used to say "he's not here". This time I want to say "he's out". The result was: "He ... left."

Pass me a sorbet, I took a bite and shouted, "It burns me!" " "

When I went to Li Ning with my sister to buy shoes, my sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

I went home on weekends when I was at school, but I became addicted to smoking after dinner, and I planned to find an excuse to go for a walk. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

The teacher left homework, so I copied it from others if I couldn't do it, and then I went to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" " "

Our unit has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I laughed to get off ~!

When I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!

30 classic funny quotations _ Laughing till your mouth cramps

1. A ten-page paper is due in the college composition class to discuss the meaning of being a man. I try my best to finish my homework. The professor not only rated it as a masterpiece, but also encouraged me to make a living by writing. The next year, my boyfriend also took this course, and he also had to hand in a paper assignment with the same topic and the same length. He asked me for help, and I gave him my old work for reference, but he handed it in word for word. When I got the paper back, I saw the professor write a sentence on it: How is your girlfriend recently?

Jack's screams came from the bedroom. Mom ran in and saw her 2-year-old sister pulling his hair. Mother gently pulled away her little daughter's hand and comforted little Jack: She was too young to know it would hurt you. No sooner had the mother walked out of the bedroom than there came the screams of her little daughter. What happened? Mom turned and rushed in to ask. Now she knows. Jack replied.

3. Once I quarreled with my deskmate, both of them were very unhappy. When I opened it, it turned out to be from my deskmate. I'm sorry. I was very moved to reply to his message. As a result, 2B immediately raised his hand and said, Teacher, he plays with his mobile phone in class.

A girl just gave birth to a baby, and in the second month, a group of girlfriends went to visit. One of the girlfriends leaned in and said, Wow, you really look like your husband! Another girlfriend said: Yes, very similar, especially when breastfeeding, the eyes are super similar! Suddenly everyone was silent.

The doctor comforted the patient and said, please believe me, there is nothing wrong with you. You need fresh air. I suggest you walk more and walk more. What do you do? Postman, doctor. The patient replied.

6. During the mobilization before the exam, the math teacher drank some wine and said on the platform: Teaching is a grand secret love. You try your best to love a group of people, but in the end you only touch yourself. It is true that students abuse me thousands of times. I treat students like first love. I used to be afraid that I would not do well in the exam alone, but now I am afraid that a group of people will not do well in the exam. If you never leave, I will live and die together. If you give up on yourself, there is nothing I can do. Suddenly the whole class applauded, teacher. You just fell in love!

7. A seriously ill patient went to see a famous doctor. The nurse told him that the doctor's schedule was full, and it would take at least three weeks for your turn. What? It takes three weeks? The patient cried, maybe I won't live to that time! Oh, that's all right, said the nurse. At that time, you can ask your family to cancel the appointment for you.

8. My cousin's daughter is a graduate student working in Shanghai. She is 3 1 this year and still single. The matchmaker in her hometown introduced her to a young man, saying that he was handsome and engaged in music. Then my cousin asked for leave to come back for a blind date. She is an old bachelor, playing suona for weddings and funerals in the country, and her face is blue with anger.

9. The conductor made up the ticket. The conductor asked: where can I make up the ticket? Zhengzhou! Do you have any kids？ There is one. How old is it? Four and a half years old. Is he over1.2m tall? I don't think so. Where is it? Come and see if it's over. Huh? My child is in his hometown! In the old ... hometown? The conductor froze for a few seconds, feeling that this girl naturally wanted to stay!

10. After the teacher handed out the test paper to the students, he asked the parents to sign it. Student Meng Xiao asked: Teacher, do you want mom and dad to sign, or do you want grandparents to sign? The teacher said: whoever keeps his word in your family will sign it. After listening, Meng Xiao muttered: So, I can only sign.

1 1, the matchmaker said to the girl: That young man is really nice, strong, likes outdoor life, likes camping and has chest hair. The girl said to the matchmaker, can he walk upright?

Xiaoming has always been proud that his father is a great engineer. One day, he met Xiaohua and chatted with him. Xiaoming said to Xiaohua, Do you know the Himalayas? Xiaohua said: I know. Xiaoming said: My father built it. Ha ha. Xiaohua was speechless at that time. He thought for a moment and said, Do you know the Dead Sea? Killed by my father.

13, a man teased a child: Are you your father or am I your father? The child said: You are your father! The man hurriedly said, wrong! Think about it. The child thought for a long time and asked doubtfully, am I your father?

14, Patient: I have been forgetful recently, and I forgot what I just said as soon as I turned my head! Doctor: How long have you been like this? Patient: How long has what been?

15 On Sunday, my brother-in-law took his nephew, who just went to elementary school, to visit Zhoukoudian Ape Cave. He thought it was time to give his son a basic history education, so he pointed to the model of the ape-man and asked, Do you know who your ancestors were? The nephew looked at him in surprise and replied, My grandfather? !

16, a buddy accosted a beautiful woman on the road: Sister Mei, you are so beautiful. What do you do? The beauty said: I am a service person. The buddy said happily, Oh, how I want to be your customer! Where do you work? The beauty said that I patched up the body in the crematorium. When will you come?

17, one day in class, a student deserted, and the teacher saw it and wanted to make things difficult for the student. Teacher: What shape do you think the earth is? Student: It's round. Not satisfied, the teacher asked: Why is the earth square? Student: I listen to you, teacher! It's your call! What you said is right.

18, the subway to work in the morning was too crowded, and all the bread I bought was squashed. What is this? I used to be much more serious than you. Why? What happened to your bread? This is not bread. I want to fart, but I just burp!

19, in a mental hospital, there are two mental disorders, A said to B; I recently wrote a book. Have you read it? Yes, it's well written, but there are too many names in the book for me to remember. Just then, the dean came in and said, what are you two doing with my phone book?

Yesterday afternoon, I went shopping with my daughter-in-law. She suddenly asked me: Who is your ex-girlfriend or me? Just thinking about it, suddenly a buddy behind him decisively replied: Hello! We turned back in horror and turned out to be a strange buddy. He was probably scared by our expressions and said in a trembling voice, hello, how to get to Bayi Road?

2 1, my roommate has a 12-year-old sister who is fat and hot in summer and always sweats. When she was sweating profusely, she went out to catch chickens, because when she caught them, they would flap their wings wildly. Her sister said it was windy and cool.

22. Xiao Liang is very naughty. He ran to the neighbor's orchard to steal strawberries and was found. Aunt neighbor asked: What's your name? I want to tell your parents! Xiao Liang calmly said, No, my parents know my name.

23. One day, as soon as Xiao Fang came home from work, her son Xiao Qiang ran over and said proudly, Mom, I learned to bargain! Xiao Fang was puzzled and asked, What do you do? Xiao Qiang said: I took some waste products to the recycling station and sold them. The uncle who collected the waste said six dollars, and I said it was too expensive, so he bought me four dollars.

24. A woman, we had dinner together the other day. She was unhappy and asked her why. She said, I think I should find a boyfriend. Me: Come on, big sister, haven't you always claimed to be single? She said: I had a fight with some hooligans last week and my mobile phone broke. Me: So you don't have to do it yourself to find a boyfriend, so you won't break your cell phone? She glared: I mean, if I have a boyfriend, he can help me with my bag and I can let go of those hooligans!

25. Mom: Poor girl! She lost her father and best friend, the dog. Betty, would you like to help her give her your dog? Betty: Oh! Mom, why don't we give dad to her?

26. My son is in a big class, and I have an appointment with him to come to my house for the weekend. My wife got up early in the morning, cleaned the room and cooked some delicious food. I don't know. A group of children are here. You are so promising. The wife said, you don't understand, maybe these people have your future daughter-in-law! God, it's really early!

27. A female colleague is seven months pregnant. I don't know why she can't eat meat or even scrambled eggs. When I went to the hospital for reexamination, I was reminded by the doctor to eat more meat, otherwise it would be very troublesome for the child to be born with malnutrition in the future. Then the doctor paused for a few seconds and asked her softly, Is it because my mother-in-law doesn't like you very much? . . My best friend said truthfully: no, I just can't eat meat. It makes me sick. . The doctor listened blankly for a while, and then said to her, You are not pregnant with that Tang Sanzang, are you?

28. Teacher: Our school will switch to English teaching from next semester. Some classmate: Wow! We won't understand. Teacher: Don't worry about not understanding. Learning a language means listening more. Listen to me speak English every day, and you will understand after a long time. Student B: But I listen to the dog barking at home every day, and I don't know what it is saying.

29. In chemistry class, the teacher told the students: When it thunders, the oxygen in the air will combine to form gaseous ozone, which has an unpleasant smell. A classmate who believes in Jesus suddenly realized, saying, no wonder people say that thunder is God's fart, but it turns out to be true!

30. The school organized a spring outing. The teacher said: This spring outing should be a group activity. We can't be together like last time. I'm embarrassed to talk about you. This time, at least ten people should act together! On the day of the spring outing, everyone performed well. Suddenly, I saw Zhang San clutching his stomach and shouting, who is going to the toilet? We organized nine people! !

Classic funny quotations laugh at internal injuries.

1, in this world, it is more difficult to kill a Q pet than to kill a person.

2. You are my super happy insole. Let me step on you.

I stayed in a nervous crowd for a long time and found myself normal.

4. When you go to the street, sprinkle some oil on others and tell them: Don't worry, it's all automatic!

If you can't tolerate me, it means that either your mind is too narrow or my personality is too great.

6. Tell me about you. Learn to be ugly without a diploma. If you are not smart, learn from others' baldness!

7. When two male turtles fight, the most ruthless trick is to turn each other over.

8. No matter how much water you have, you can't drink enough loneliness.

9. What is happiness? You eat fish, I eat meat and watch others chew bones!

10, don't give me a sweaty look, or I'll pay you back with my nose.

1 1, big head, thick neck, stupid like a pig!

12, in order to celebrate the success of quitting smoking today, I decided to smoke another one.

13, when I saw your face, I felt that your parents were not serious when they made you.

14, reading travel novels every day, looking at the toilet is like a hole passing through.

15, does it itch? Itching is right. When the wound is growing, so are the nerve endings.

16, a day is really short. As soon as the computer was turned on, the day passed.

17, if you treat me like a game, I will kill you.

18, spread soy sauce all over the world and make others jealous.

19, how can you get married without going through scum? No one can be a mother casually.

20. I don't look down on you, but I don't care about you at all.

2 1, my so-called dream is dreaming at night and daydreaming during the day.

22. Superman always flies in briefs because triangles are very stable.

23. Close your eyes and see the bank, which is where I hide my money.

24, benefactor, if you bully being original, it is a disgrace to Jesus.

25. It's even more embarrassing to drown one's sorrows by drinking. Tang Yan washes his hair softly.

26. Diapers that can resist floods are diapers that can really suck.

27, finished, you also ignore me, I became a dog ignore.

28. What should I do if the egg hurts? Continue licking the egg.

29. When I get rich, I will go back to Afghanistan, because where can I find four wives?

It is said that we are the flowers of the motherland. Why am I the one who gets hurt?

3 1. Youth is running wildly and then falling down beautifully.

32, after hearing what you said, a sense of superiority in IQ arises spontaneously!

33. I always fantasize that I am human, but the fact tells me that I am just a rugged person.

34. When playing a game, when there is one blood left, call three letters to revive Zeng Ge.

35. Women mix well and wear less. Men mix well, and their hair falls backwards.

36. There must be a driveway in front of the mountain, and I can't stop it.

37. Men are naked animals, but putting on clothes is the devil wears Prada.

38. In fact, if you like a girl, buy her more food. If you get fat, no one will chase you. It's yours.

I love you without explanation, because explanation is a cover-up.