Funny short message jingle selection

1, I can't sleep at night without your company; Unconsciously, it has invaded your heart; Occupy my heart, occupy my mind; A heart is for you, you can't mess around; My dear pillow, where are you wandering?

2. Do you know what food annoys who the most? Tofu, haven't you heard of it? Tofu brain (annoyed) Do you know what women are most afraid of and what they expect most? Tofu, never heard of it: eating other people's tofu again (angry, angry or coquetry).

3. When the wife is here, answer the girl's phone and say, Please, Lao Zhang! Pretend to be a sissy so I can't hear you? Stop harassing me and call again, or I will warn you to make pornographic calls!

4. A * * * took the children to a tea shop to drink milk tea, and lifted the skirts in public to feed the children. A waiter came over and pointed to the notice on the wall and said, No fresh milk is allowed here.

5, your characteristics: like a plate of jade with large and small pearls on your face, the height is different from a distance, and it is uneven at close range, with two cakes in your eyes; A unkempt little boy looks like a fool; Your style: Confidence Brothers and Xifeng Group.

6. There are some things you should know! Days are used for windy and rainy days; The land is used to grow flowers and grass; I was used to prove the greatness of mankind. And you: "It is used to stew vermicelli. ! "

7. You are the sun in my heart, but it is raining. You are the moon in my heart, but gloomy; You are a long moth in the sky, but your face hits the ground first.

8. My son is two years old and pees before going to bed at night. Me: Son, how about peeing? Son: No me: Be good, sprinkle one, or wet the bed, catch a cold, catch a cold, and then take medicine and injections. Son: No, when the struggle entered the stalemate stage, my wife came over and gave me a white look. In one word, I will take a photo of you and put it online. Son: I have to pee! The network is powerful.

9. I'll give you a brief report on my recent thoughts. I think if I want to be your lover, I can't be a poor man, so I will resolutely fight poverty to the end ... Now I'm looking for a way to get rich like Socrates explored the truth and liberated myself like Marxism–Leninism liberated all mankind!

10, it's easy to quit smoking, but it's too difficult to quit you. Sister: Have some spinach, it will add color to your face. Sister: Who wants the green face?

1 1. Today is our wedding anniversary. I think if I can marry her 12 years, I must be made of iron.

12, recently passing by a market, I overheard a conversation between a female butcher and an acquaintance: acquaintance: Why don't you go home on such a hot day? Butcher: I still have two pieces of bad meat here. I'll leave when it's sold out.

13. When a nearsighted passenger was walking by the river, he saw a sign standing in the middle. Unfortunately, he couldn't read the middle words clearly, so he had to take off his shoes and wade into the river. I saw the sign saying: Watch out for crocodiles.

14, entering a foreign company is too tiring, entering a state-owned enterprise is too flat, and entering a private enterprise is too nervous. I can only lie in bed.

15, Manager: I fired that employee. Secretary: Why? Manager: He called me an idiot in front of others. Secretary: Shit! How can you reveal the important secrets of the company to others!

16, manager: I can't hire you. There are so many workers here that I can't finish registering their names. Applicant: You just need to arrange this job and let me register the names of the workers for you.

17, the manager said to the secretary: Remember to remind me of the meeting on August 10. The Secretary said: This was the day before yesterday. The manager said, oh, my god! I forgot to attend the meeting! The secretary said: You have been there.

18, the manager asked the female secretary why she wanted to ask for leave. The secretary blushed and said, I have a friend who got married and he invited me to be the bride.

19, mental patient stopped nurse: password allowed! The guard said: Ignore them. When the electric door opened, the patient quickly took out his notes and said, "Ignore them", complaining in his heart: Changing the password again is too outrageous!

20. Policeman A: Just now, a man parked illegally, so I asked if the car was his. He said it was his grandmother's. Policeman B: Really? Policeman A: That's right. When I asked him, he called his grandmother.

2 1, at two o'clock in the middle of the night, at the end of a quiet street. "Excuse me, maybe you can tell me if there is a policeman here?" "No, there are no policemen here." "So, can you find a policeman nearby soon?" "I don't think there will be any police." "Well, then please give me your watch and money."

22. The wine field is the battlefield, the wine style is the style, the capacity for drinking is the courage, and the wine bottle is the level. The bar sells new products. The feeling of heartache, one yuan a cup. Curious, I bought a cup, and I really felt heartache. It turned out to be a cup of boiled water.

23. The drunkard called the owner's house in the morning and asked: What time does the hotel open? The boss said, sorry, I can't come in until after afternoon. The drunkard said, who said I came in? I'm just going out.

24. Oranges love grapefruit deeply, but they are rejected when expressing their love. Orange roared: Why is this? Grapefruit said timidly: My mother said that a woman whose clothes are too easy to take off is not a good thing.

25. The critic said to the director: Your play is too noisy and there are too many gunshots. The director retorted: Yes, but it was legionary teleplay. Critics: Sure, but gunfire will wake the audience.

26. During the intermission in the theater, the husband bought a glass of beer. Wife: You swear not to drink for two months! Husband: Honey, according to the program, the time between the first act and the second act is one year apart!

27, coffee and partner, coconut milk sago, just like you and me, perfect match! The officer tested the recruits: In the dark night, you were standing guard, and suddenly someone hugged you from behind. What should you say? A soldier quickly replied, honey, let me go.

At the opening ceremony, the new headmaster gave a speech to encourage the students: Our school is a "normal college", so don't use it as a place to eat and sleep.

29. When chopping wood, the father almost cut off his son's arm. The son shouted at his father, fool, where are you going to cut? Hearing this, Sun Tzu said angrily, How can this bastard talk to his father like this?

30. Anhui has been famous for its wine since ancient times: a girl with her legs crossed is full of alcohol; Young men's legs are lifted, and gold seed wine; The old lady lifts her legs and Gu Jing salutes; As soon as the old man's legs are lifted, the holy spring will dry beer! Your legs are up, Chivalrous Spring Wine!

3 1, the beautiful woman urinates urgently, urinates by the roadside, has no paper, and wipes it with leaves. The leaves have thorns, and it hurts. The beauty was unhappy and said, "I can't stand eating meat all day and coming back with vegetables."

32. Exaggerated era: a building with about three floors is called a building; * * * The big open space is called the square; Palm-sized turf is called lawn; A place where a tree is called a garden; A pool of flowers is called a garden …

33. On the bus, a man ran into an anonymous person. The woman was furious and said, you still can't stand on three legs! The man waved his hand and said, forget it. I won't argue with you. You're full of it anyway

34. A man was walking through a graveyard in the middle of the night when he heard a knock at the door. The more he listened, the more afraid he became. Finally, he saw a man carving a tombstone. I was relieved and said to the other party: I almost scared me to death! What are you doing? They carved my name wrong. I'll change it!

35. Two dung beetles are discussing the welfare lottery. A said: If I win the lottery, I will buy all the toilets within 50 miles of Fiona Fang and eat enough every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day!

36. The ant married the elephant, but the elephant died a few days later. The ant was very sad and cried and scolded: Dear, why did you walk in front of me? I don't have to do anything in my fucking life, so I buried you.

37. The husband came home and found his wife and doctor lying in bed. Doctor: Don't get me wrong, I'm taking her temperature. Husband: If what you put into my wife's body has no scale, you are dead.

38. A man went to a brothel and asked a woman the price. The woman replied: 50 yuan. What men see is cheap and dry. The woman said: Please pay 100 yuan, and the man asked why. Female answer in and out of 50 yuan. Male nu way: * * * is China Mobile, and there are two-way charges!

39. A family has a cat, which is annoying! Throw it away, but a cat knows its home, and it will be self-sufficient after a few dislikes. One day, the man abandoned the cat after driving and called his wife that night: Did the cat go home again? Wife: Come back! Male roar: I asked you to answer the phone. I'm lost.

40. A man found his son wearing a condom after work. He is busy reprimanding his son. His son said indignantly, "Tomorrow we are going to play a play, some as good people and some as bad people. I asked the teacher what I could play. " The teacher said, "You play a crane!

4 1, Beijing-Kowloon Railway opened to traffic, and farmers watched along the road. A female guest in the car came to have her period, and after changing the paper, she went out the window. Paper stuck to a farmer's face, and the farmer took it down and said, honey, it's fast! A piece of paper can break your nose and bleed!

42. A diner called his boss and asked, Why are there chicken feathers in this roast chicken? The boss said, this is our anti-counterfeiting mark.

43. A girl lives with her blind mother. One day, a woman and her lover were secretly crying in the back room. The sound of * * * alarmed her mother, asked her why, and answered the question of heatstroke. When the mother came in to visit, the lover stood up from the woman and leaned against the wall, not daring to move. Mother wanted to touch her forehead, but she hugged her lover by mistake. She was frightened and said, "It's so hot, the walls are sweating."

44. On the bus, a young man saw a beautiful woman with a low collar, and spring leaked out. He joked,' It's really a place where peach blossoms bloom.' Hearing this, the beauty lifted her skirt and said,' There is still room for you to have children and raise me!

45. The girl came home in the middle of the night and was attacked by seven thugs. When she was in danger, an aunt stepped forward and saved the girl. In a radio interview, the aunt said: actually, I didn't think about anything at that time. I'm thinking about this good thing, but I can't take advantage of that little slut!

46. My son sleeps with his mother every night. Mom said: when you grow up, you marry a daughter-in-law and sleep with your mother? A: Yes. Mom said, what about your wife? The son said, let her sleep with her father. Dad said excitedly after listening: this child has been sensible since childhood!

47, the vast road of life, who is good? Wife to take care of, little secrets to get along with. Leave a cook at home, a good-looking one at work, a cheap one outside and a vacancy in the distance. Such a life is infinitely happy.

48. A man can't stay in the house for long, and his wife is very uncomfortable. One day, he asked his wife to stand upside down in front of the mirror, and she was very happy to do so. He separated his wife's legs, put his chin behind her and asked her, Do I look good with a beard?

49. The camel and the elephant met on the road. The elephant said strangely, hey, how did your * * * grow on your back? That's weird. The camel was unhappy and said, die and go away. I don't talk to things that grow on jj's face.

At 50, a gentleman got drunk and threw up in the ladies' room by mistake. It happened that a woman was peeing, and a gentleman was angry and said,' You said you don't drink, how can you pour wine? The woman stopped suddenly, but she didn't expect to hold her breath. You were furious:' Who the fuck opened another bottle! '

5 1, the gangster entered the room and the woman violently resisted. When her husband came back from the ground, he saw that his wife was pinned down by gangsters, raised his shovel and slapped him angrily. Then he listened to his wife's scolding: "Damn, I resisted for a long time, and you photographed me with a shovel.

52. Two history teachers are married, and both are married for the second time; After entering the bridal chamber, the woman went out to ask for the alliance: the night attack on Pearl Harbor frightened the beauty (fine); The man is right: two atomic bombs, Japan and Germany (had to) surrender; Horizontal batch: World War II!

53. It's embarrassing for village women to report it! I was drunk last night. The policeman asked him what the man looked like. I didn't see it clearly, but I must be a novice, because he couldn't find a place for a long time, and finally I helped him in.

54. Before dying, an AIDS patient wrote a couplet: The first couplet is: Born for * * *, died for * * *, and fought for * * * all his life; The bottom line is: eat * * * losses, be fooled by * * *, and finally die on * * *. Crosslinking: Not good.

55. Changing pants into tops is a promotion; Changing men's trousers into women's trousers is an exchange; Changing shirts into underwear is demotion; The vest is replaced by a bra, although it is flat, but the position is very important!

56. The Tang Priest met a banshee on his westbound journey, observed that her breasts were plump and her hips were plump, and she wanted to have sex. When she saw this scene, the banshee exclaimed, Elder! My little girl is afraid of having sex when she menstruates! Hearing this, the Tang Priest folded his hands: Amitabha, I'm here to learn from the scriptures!

57. The old man took the train and mistakenly put his foot into the opposite lady's compartment at night. After a few days, I felt itchy and uncomfortable. The doctor decided it was syphilis, and the old man even called it rare. The doctor said, "What are you talking about? There was a beriberi man in B yesterday! ! "

It is said that a man and a woman have an affair. After the man went in, he lay motionless on the woman. He said softly, we are in contact now, and the woman is a little unhappy. The man violently attacked, and the woman shouted: Mobile is eight times better than Unicom. You don't propose a toast, you touch the leader first, you go by car, you talk about personal matters, you take off the shower first, and you turn the table with food.

59. On the wedding night of a bachelor's bridal chamber, the bride struggled to hold the wall out and scolded, "liar, he said he had thirty years' savings, but I thought it was money!" ! "

60. The man took off his clothes and showed his girlfriend his biceps, saying that it was equivalent to 50 kilograms of explosives. He also took off his pants and pointed to his thigh, saying that this is equivalent to 100 kg of explosives. Then he took off * * *, and his girlfriend ran to the door and exclaimed, Oh, my God! The lead is so short

6 1. One day, a monk met a nun and wrote a couplet: Part I: I didn't hang up during the day. Bottom line: hanging at night is no problem. Horizontal batch: nothing to do! A nun's couplet: a hole in the daytime. Bottom line: The hole is empty at night. Horizontal batch: respond to the request (ball).

62. The condom said to the sanitary napkin, "I'm really afraid of you. Every time you go to work, I have no business for a week. " The sanitary napkin was angry: "Don't pretend, my business was ruined in ten months, and * * * was slightly negligent."

63. A migrant worker went to the hospital for examination because of a blocked stool. After examination, the doctor gave the man a prescription. Migrant workers went to the medicine collection office and saw that it was a roll of toilet paper. He's confused. The doctor said: Don't use cement bags to wipe * * * in the future.

64, a woman's chest is small and difficult to marry. When dating, the man asked if there were any big steamed buns, and the woman said yes! ! The man then agreed to get married. On the wedding night, the man ran out of the bridal chamber and shouted, "Oh, my God, Wang Zi steamed bread!" " "

65. A student studying in the United States went home to visit relatives and boasted: American factories are advanced in technology, pigs are brought in and sausages are introduced! His father was very angry when he saw that he worshiped foreign things and admired foreigners. He said, "Your mother and I are better than each other. I pushed the sausage in and a live pig came out! " !

66. It's evening. My husband is reading in bed. Put your hand between your wife's legs from time to time. Wife undresses and coquettes. Husband asked: Why? The wife asked, What are your hands doing? The husband said solemnly: wet hands. All right, turn the book over!

67. A 70-year-old man and a young lady died of excessive excitement. Her family refused to take the young lady to court. The judge asked the forensic doctor to conduct an autopsy to find out the reason. The next conclusion after forensic autopsy: so comfortable!

68. The leader of the unit made a concluding speech: The reasons why we can't do our work well are: First, we sleep like a widow, and there is no one on it; Second, like * * *, the old substitution; Third, just like sleeping with a wife, our own people are always screwing our own people.

69. Husband and wife live with their children, and suddenly find their son missing in the middle of the night and are busy looking for him. It turned out that they were kneeling behind the door. The husband said, "Come back quickly, it's windy behind the door." The son said angrily, "Don't lie, it's windy under the covers."

70. Female soldiers disguised as men. One day on the battlefield, her period suddenly came and her ass was red. The company commander asked, "Where are you hurt?" The female soldier quickly said, "No, nothing." The company commander quickly took off her trousers and was surprised: "* * * didn't say anything when it was blown up?"

7 1, the butcher was arrested, fined 4000 yuan, and issued a receipt. One day, the butcher and his wife found this receipt. They only know 4000 yuan, but they don't know the word' prostitute'. They asked the butcher: what is a fine of 4000 yuan? The butcher replied: punish me for injecting water into the meat!

72. A fool marries his wife for half a year and has no children. The father asked his son if he had done anything, but the son didn't understand. My dad said he would hit your daughter-in-law with the hardest part of your body to pee. The next day, the daughter-in-law said to Gong, Your son is crazy. He's been banging his head against the urinal all night!

73. On September 28th, 1949, I was arrested. On the first day, the enemy beat me up, and I didn't confess. The next day, the enemy threw pepper water at me, and I didn't ask; On the third day, the enemy confessed with a honey trap; On the fourth day, I want to confess. I'm fucking liberated.

74. In the evening, fools go to the park to meet their lovers and love to watch them. The next morning, I saw a man doing push-ups, so I took a closer look. The man is furious: * * * What are you looking at! Fool said: you are only * *, and the general servants are still doing it after they have left!

75. The head of a poor village introduced the situation in the village: eating depends on the party, dressing depends on spinning, getting rich depends on grabbing, and daughter-in-law depends on thinking; Communication basically depends on yelling, traffic basically depends on walking, public security basically depends on dogs, and sexual life basically depends on hands!

76. The department manager reports the reasons for the company's failure to the general manager: 1. Like a sleeping widow, there is no one on it; Two. Just like a young lady sleeping, people change too frequently; Three. Just like a couple sleeping, our own people fuck our own people.

77. What is pride? Cow! What is modesty? Pretend! What is thrift? Hey! What is dedication? Stupid! What is cleverness? Blow it! What is Brother Liang? You! Hehe, I wish you happiness!

78. Smart man+smart woman = romantic; Smart man+stupid woman = pregnant; Stupid man+smart woman = scandal; Stupid man+stupid woman = get married.

79. The rooster is on a business trip for a month. When he came back, he heard that quail was fine, and the rooster became suspicious. Two days later, the hen gave birth to a quail egg, and the cock was furious. The hen hurriedly explained: premature birth!

80. A lady ordered a stir-fried whip flower while eating, and accidentally fell between her legs when picking vegetables. The young lady was shocked: this thing is really amazing! Cooked and chopped, it actually knows the way!

8 1, the host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! The eagle burst into tears: that year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree … and then there was the owl …

82. A Japanese woman was taking a bath in the sauna and wanted to find China to give her a bath. When she was rubbing, she suddenly became sexually active and inserted her penis into her shame. Japanese woman is furious: What are you doing? * * * said: rub inside!

83. The village head came home drunk in the middle of the night, lying in the pigsty by mistake, and asked his wife to pour him water. The sow snorted a few times, and the village chief said, "Forget it, why bother!" " Reaching for the pig's milk, he smiled and said, "Shit, I bought inferior leather clothes again, and it's double-breasted!" "

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