200 points for the funniest joke...

Water Splashing Festival

... During the annual Water Splashing Festival, everyone splashes water on each other to show respect and blessings to each other. Suddenly, a person beat and scolded: "Who poured tmb on me?" The person next to him advised him: "When others pour water on you, it is a blessing to you." The person scolded: "That SB poured boiling water on me!"

Duck eggs

... One day, I saw a rooster in the distance chasing the hen in front of me with a feather duster in his hand. I was very puzzled. After asking carefully, I found out that they They are a couple. The hen just laid a duck egg.

I am a female soldier

... A commander inspected the military parade, commander: Hello, comrades! Soldier: Hello, chief! The commander patted a soldier on the chest and said: How well trained these muscles are! Soldier: Report to the commander, I am a female soldier!

Died by a word

... An eagle found a rabbit and chased it. The rabbit ran for its life until it was forced to have no way out. , then he came up with a plan and turned around and said to the eagle: "Sister Eagle, you didn't wear a bra." After hearing this, the eagle quickly covered its chest, and the result...

Haunted

... The toilet in a university girls dormitory was haunted. One day, Xiaomei got up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet. Suddenly, she met a female ghost. The female ghost said: "School girl, look, I have no feet, I have no feet." Mei: "

That's nothing. Senior sister, look, I have no breasts, I have no breasts.

Definitely dead

Xiaosong is alone in the forest Taking risks, he was suddenly surrounded by a group of cannibals. At this time, Xiaosong was very scared, so he muttered: "I am dead this time, God, please save me." "Suddenly, a voice came from the sky: "Not necessarily, you pick up the big stone on the ground and smash the leading chief to death. So Xiaosong immediately followed the instructions. At this time, another voice came from the sky: "Now you are really dead." ”

Make a Wish

It is said that a man was killed in a vast desert. He had not found water or food for several days and was dying. At this time, he suddenly emerged from the desert. I picked up a magic lamp. A genie appeared from the magic lamp and said to the man: "I can make a wish come true for you. Just tell me, I'm in a hurry." "The man said: "I want a wife..." As soon as he finished speaking, he heard a 'bang' in the sky. The elf transformed into a beautiful woman and said: "You people are going to starve to death. Still thinking about coveting beauty! How sad! "After saying that, he suddenly disappeared. At this time, the man could only be heard saying weakly: "...cake. "

See a doctor

... One day, Xiao Wang felt uncomfortable down there, so he went to the hospital for a checkup. The doctor asked: "What's wrong with that guy down there? "Xiao Wang said: "I'll take it off and let you see it, but you can't laugh! Doctor: "Okay, take it off. I promise not to laugh." "So Xiao Wang took off his pants and showed it to the doctor. When the doctor saw that his penis was only as big as firewood, he couldn't help but burst into laughter. Xiao Wang said unhappily: "I promised you not to laugh, but my penis has been swollen for several days. Why are you still?" Laugh."

Liu Guanzhang

Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei were very depressed because of their short genitals. So he went to military advisor Zhuge Liang and asked him for help. Zhuge Liang suggested that they go to the United States to get another one. Liu Bei went to replace it first and was very satisfied. When he came back, he told Guan Yu that it worked well. So Guan Yu also went to change it and came back and told Zhang Fei that it worked well. Zhang Fei also went to get another one. When he came back, he found Guan Yu and said, "Second brother, I can't do this." Guan Yu said, "That's impossible. Take off your trousers and let me see." Zhang Fei took off his trousers. Guan Yu smiled and said: "Haha... the one you changed is mine."

Bat Little K

... There is a group of bats that have not smoked for a long time. To a drop of blood. One day, the bat Little K flew back from the woods with bloodshot eyes hanging from his mouth. Everyone gathered around and asked excitedly: "Little K, tell me where you sucked the blood from?" Little K: "Want to know? Follow me. Let's go.

So, Little K led everyone to fly towards the woods. Suddenly, Little K stopped, pointed at the big tree in front and asked, "Have you all seen the big tree in front of you?" Everyone happily replied: "I see it, I see it!" "Little K: "Damn, why didn't I see it just now! ”

Instead

On the African savannah, a group of ants climbed on the back of an elephant to play. The elephant felt itchy, so it shook its body. This shake The ants were knocked to the ground one by one. In the end, only one ant was holding on to the elephant's neck. The ants below shouted: strangle him, strangle him, you damn boy!

The Ant and the Elephant

... The weather was nice in the morning, and an ant came out to bask in the sun. At this time, an elephant was coming from its side. The ant saw the elephant becoming quiet. Only one foot came out of the ground. The squirrel resting next to it asked: "Brother Ant, what are you going to do?" The ant said: "Shh!" Keep your voice down, I want to give it a somersault. "

The Bear and the Rabbit

... One day, the Bear and the Rabbit were defecating in the forest, neither of them talking. Suddenly, the Bear asked the Rabbit: "Brother, what do you mean? It doesn't matter if the hair gets in the feces. Rabbit snickered for a while and said: "It doesn't matter, just wash it and it will be clean." "So, the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit without hesitation.

Looking for friends

... College students looking for friends, gender: male. Conditions: I have a car, a house, There is a fixed monthly income. If you are interested, please contact me. Since I am very skilled, please take your time. Note: Room - dormitory for six people living in a group; car - bicycle (non-polluting, environmentally friendly); fixed income - - A monthly subsidy of 24 yuan for poor students in schools.

It’s not a crime

... It’s not a crime for girls to eat, no matter how fat they are, they have the right to gain weight. It's haggard, and the person who loves you won't care about your waistline. It's still a beauty to taste the delicious food after being away for a long time!

1: There is an ugly girl who can't get married and hopes to be trafficked. One day, her dream finally came true and she was kidnapped. The kidnapper thought she was ugly and sent her back to her place of origin. The girl

resolutely refused to get out of the car. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his feet and said, "Let's go." . I don’t want the car anymore!!

2 Spider was rejected when he expressed his love. Why? Ant said timidly? , those who stay online all day long are not good people!

3 I will build your happiness; I will make up for your confusion; I will satisfy your greed; I will give in to your willfulness. ; I am the only one who loves you, because I am a professional pig farmer. (To be continued)

4 If you want to treat me to dinner, if you don’t meet my request, I will give you your mobile phone number Write it on the wall and add two words in front of it: Apply for a certificate

5 Yesterday, I had a dream and the Lord said that I could realize a wish. I took out the globe and said, "Wanting world peace is too difficult!" Show your photo and make this person beautiful! The Lord said with sweat: Bring the globe and let me see it again!

6 Do you want to be lucky? Official? Do you want to become famous overnight? Do you want people all over the world to be crazy about you? —————— Stop thinking and go to bed! >

7 It’s a rainy day, it’s wet, and your mood is so wet... Every night, you stare blankly out of the cold window, watching like this. I came over and said to you softly: "Wangcai, go in, the person delivering the bones won't come today.

”

8 This may be the last time I send you a text message. I am hesitating whether to tell you that I am going to the United States soon. The procedures have been completed. I There's no way, really! Bush said he couldn't deal with Saddam without me.

9 One day, I went to the zoo to see orangutans, and I vomited; another day, you went to the zoo to see orangutans, and the orangutans vomited! They are the same people, so why is the gap so big? (To be continued)

10. Monkey-hunting revelation: I lost a small hairy monkey. Characteristics: It is dirty, has a face full of runny nose, has a mobile phone on its body, and can read short messages. Love the monkey after reading the text message, please reply to the owner as soon as possible! The owner misses you so much!

11. I heard that you were abducted and trafficked, which really scared me. Although you are a child, you are harmless to society. A man is so bold that he dares to sell you. I'm really worried for him. It would be strange if he sells you!

12. I told my mother: I like you! After getting along with you for such a long time, I feel that I can no longer live without you. I want you to come to my house and accompany me every day! But my mother disagreed. She said: puppies are not allowed in the house!

13. I changed my job and now work in a bank, the one not far from you. Come to me when you have time. Go to the bank and shout my name, and I will know. That’s right! I changed my name because it was too vulgar. I called him Qiangjie first.

14. Yesterday, I saw on the Internet that the model of mobile phone you used emits extremely high radiation. I was shocked. Just when I was about to inform you, I saw that it does not work for people with IQs less than 50. I feel relieved about this. Don’t worry, just keep using it

15. Top-secret document of the 16th National Congress: In order to improve the quality of our population, the country has decided to eliminate a group of mentally retarded and ugly children with the appearance of Sun Guo. Hurry up. Pack your things and leave quietly! Don't thank me! be safe! (End)

Do you still remember the military training under the tree that year? The coach said to the students: "The first row counts!" You looked at the coach in surprise, and the coach said loudly: "Count!" So, you turned around reluctantly and hugged the tree!

Latest news: The main transmission route of SARS is currency in circulation. For the health of you and your family, sort out all the cash in your home and seal it in plastic bags. I will collect it at your door for a small fee.

Sometimes you can’t see me beside you on our journey of friendship. It’s not that I forgot you, let alone let you walk alone. It’s that I choose to walk behind you, when you don’t If I fall down, I'll run up... and step on it!

Shall we go on a date on Saturday? Please agree to my sincere request! Because I really want to walk on the beach with you and listen to the sound of the sea. I will take you to climb the highest stone on the beach and then... kick you down!

Yesterday, I dreamed of you. Really, the sky was so clear and quiet, the sun was so bright, and the sea was so vast. You were standing on the blue seaside, and I poked you with a stick. Hey, this little tortoise has a pretty hard shell.

My love is empty and my love is empty, and I am wandering in the street; my life is empty and my money is empty, and I am single and working hard; my career is empty and my career is empty, and I am going crazy just thinking about it; my mobile phone is empty and I have no money to charge it, and life is not easy under pressure; in short All four elements are empty.

The moment I made up my mind and turned away, you cried helplessly behind me. The heart-rending pain made me instantly understand how much I love you. I turned around and hugged you: This pig is not for sale.

I saw you that day, in the supermarket! You quietly reached out to the barcode scanner and saw the screen display: Pig's trotters 8 yuan. You thought the machine was broken, but you turned your face over and looked at it. The screen showed pork head meat for 5 yuan!

When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth, and blessed ears, you will sigh loudly----Pig ! ! ! !

Are you lonely? If so, then go downstairs and buy a rope and a stick, tie the rope to the stick, and go to the top of the building to wave the stick when the wind blows. What will others ask you for? ? Just say: I have a convulsion. . .

Life is so tiring! Standing and thinking about falling asleep, I have to queue up to get on the bus, I suffer from unrequited love, eating has no flavor, drinking easily makes me drunk, I am very tired at work, I don’t know how to rob, I have to pay taxes to earn money, ugh————! Even sending a text message to Xiaozhu is charged!

It’s just a gust of wind, but it’s so eternal. It’s just a dream, but it’s so real. You lower your head and say nothing, but I can’t calm down. I finally can’t help but say to you: Next time you fart, say it first!

One night, a naked man hailed a taxi. The female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a fucking naked man! The female driver was also furious: Let me see where you got the money from!

Dear user: Your phone bill is less than 0.1 yuan. Please pay your phone bill within the next few days: sell your son, sell your daughter, sell rice, smash pots, sell iron, sell some blood, sell land, sell house, sell wife. cooperate! China Telecom

Valentine's Day Promotional Gift: Dear male customers, if you buy a set of Homecoming brand moisturizing underwear for your lover during Valentine's Day, you will get a free set of regular returns for your wife. Home brand colorful cotton underwear, and only the colorful cotton underwear and the full selling price are reflected on the credit card. Home Underwear Shop

I wrote your name in the sky and was taken away by the clouds. I wrote your name all over the mountain and was carried away by the wind. I wrote your name all over the street, kao, I was taken away by the police

In Chinese class, the teacher called a sleeping classmate to answer a question. The classmate was confused and couldn't say anything... the teacher said : "Can you? Can't you also squeak!" The student: "Squeak"

Dear user, because most of your text messages are sent to the opposite sex, it has caused great harm to society. Bad influence, we have suspended your text message function. Please bring your own bench tomorrow and go to the nearest police station to learn about work style!

I dreamed about God yesterday and said that he could grant me a wish. I took out the globe. He said he wanted world peace, but he said it was too difficult. Let's change it. I took out your photo and said I wanted this person to become beautiful. He thought for a moment and said, take the globe and let me take a look.

You go! Find someone worthy of your love and love... I don’t know you and your feelings well enough. I know that some things cannot be forced and some distances cannot be crossed. Just like yesterday, I really can’t believe that you left with someone just for a bone

I can no longer think about what you want; I no longer have the style to dress; I can no longer have a relationship with anyone; I am no longer popular wherever I go; I can no longer keep up with Lenin when I think about problems; my heart stops even when I am fine. Pneumonia is no longer typical!

Monkey-finding notice: I lost a miscellaneous hairy monkey. Characteristics: dirty, snotty, face full of runny nose. He has a mobile phone on him and can read text messages. .Love monkey has read the text message, please reply to the master quickly! The master misses you so much now

6 met 9 and said: Just take two steps, why do you do handstands? 0 met 8 and said: If you are fat, You are fat, why should you wear a belt? 7 met 2 and said: Okay, don’t kneel down. I won’t marry you even if I kneel down again. 2 met 5 and said: I haven’t seen breast augmentation in a few days!

One day, Liu Hongtao met a foreign guest and approached him and said: I am Hong Tao Liu. The foreign guest said: I am still the Seven of Diamonds!

Not every flower can represent love, but roses can; not every tree can withstand thirst, but poplars can; not every pig can read short messages, but you Did it. congratulations!

You are the sun in my heart, but it is raining; you are the moon in my dream, but it is covered by clouds; you are the most beautiful flower in my heart, but it is a pity that it has bloomed; you are the sky Chang'e came to the world, but unfortunately she landed face first...

What's going on? I just called your mobile phone. After the ringtone, the mobile phone prompted a voice saying: The other party is running naked, please wait and call again. I can't believe it! I called again and it said: Sorry, the user you dialed has left the service area, please wait and call again.

In my eyes, you always look so carefree, you always eat with relish, and you always sleep soundly. . . I really envy you. Sometimes I think about it, being a pig is pretty good.

I was watching a DVD today, and my mother came in with another book and said: Tell me what these sentences mean

Mom: This "i don't know."What does it mean?

I said: "I don't know"

Mom: I have sent you to college for several years, but you don't know anything! !

I said: No! Is it just "I don't know"? !

Mom: Talk back! ! ! ! $@%!#$^&%#$%@$%@#$%!^%^!^%$^#&.....(a beating)

Mom: You are telling me this. You should know what "i know." means. Tell me.

I said: "I know"

Mom: If you know, tell me quickly.

I said: "I know"

Mom: Are you looking for trouble? Didn't you clean it up just now lightly?

I said: I know it!

Mom: I know you haven’t told me yet! ! Don’t pretend to understand if you don’t understand! &*$%^@$#!%$@^%#*$^^^##$% (another beating)

Mom: Be careful, you spend so much money I sent you money to go to college, but now you don’t know how to do anything. You know a few things and you still show off to me. Let me ask you the last question. Please explain it to me. If you can’t explain it, I am punishing you. Please translate it for me. What does "i know but i don't want to tell you." mean?

I fainted, picked up a pillow and banged it on my head more than thirty times, banged my head against the wall more than forty times, slapped myself in the mouth more than fifty times with both hands, and kicked the corner of the table more than sixty times with my legs. Next, when my flesh and blood were mutilated, I asked my mother: Are you satisfied with this?

She came to ask me again: "Son, I`m veryannoyance, don`t tuouble me. Yes." What do you mean~?”

Me: “I’m very annoyed, don’t bother me”

Mom: “I’m going to beat you up for talking to your mother like that” (so I was flattened) < /p>

Mom asked again; "i hear nothing, repeat. What does it mean?"

I said: "I didn't hear clearly, say it again"

Old Mom said again: I hear nothing, repeat”

“I didn’t hear clearly, repeat”

The result was flat

Mom asked again: "what do you say "How to explain it"

I said: "What do you say" (flattened again)

Mom asked again: "look up in the dictionary" What does it mean?'

I said: "Look it up in the dictionary"

"Look it up in the dictionary and I ask you what you are doing" (being flattened)

Mom again Question: you had better ask some body. How to translate it?"

I said: "You had better ask someone else"

"You are my son, why should I ask others, and then find Hit."

"Ah! God save me!"

"You are playing tricks on your mother, even God can't save you! (Being flat)

I Let me ask you again: "use you head, then think it over, what do you mean!"

I said: "Use your head, then think it over carefully."

" You brat, you dare to play tricks on me." Then he started to do it again

I quickly said: "Only mom is good in the world."

"Well, that's pretty much it. I'll give it to you later. Prepare delicious food and ask again tomorrow

Read it at your own risk

A man woke up in the morning and found his wife dead on the bed. He jumped up quickly, his face was pale, and he stumbled around. He walked down the stairs and shouted: "Amei! Amei! "

The maid replied: "Sir! What's up? "

" Just one hard-boiled egg for breakfast is enough! "

One day, a man walked into a bar, followed by a pig...

This pig’s four legs are gone and replaced with four wooden sticks as prosthetic limbs. . .

The bartender in the store asked the man: Your pig is so strange, why does it have no feet?

The man replied: My pig is very powerful. I think back then our family was very poor and lived in a thatched house, but this pig sniffed in the backyard

In the West, oil was discovered, which made me rich. I built a bungalow and a swimming pool.

The bartender was so surprised that he was speechless. After a while, he asked again: By the way, what happened to his feet?

The man said: You know, my pig is very powerful. One day, my five-year-old child drowned alone in the swimming pool. As a result, it jumped into the swimming pool and took my son out. They also helped him perform mouth-to-mouth artificial respiration!

The bartender was even more surprised and asked again: What happened to his feet? . . . . .

The man started to get a little impatient: I have told you, this is a very powerful pig. One night there was a fire in my house. He woke up the whole family and put out the fire alone! !

Bartender: Sir! I'm asking you why your pig has no feet. . . .

The man replied with an unhappy look: If you had such a powerful pig...

Would you eat it all at once?

Little x went to the bird market again. I found a parrot priced at 3 yuan.

So he asked the seller: Why is your parrot so cheap?

Seller: My parrot is stupid! Damn I taught it for a long time. Until now, I could only say one sentence - "Who is it?"

Little x thought it was cheap anyway, so he bought it.

When he got home in the evening, he thought, "I don't believe in you and I can't teach you!", so little x taught him to say other words all night long.

But in the morning, the parrot still only said "Who is it?", so Xiao X got angry, locked the door and went to work.

After a while, a gas bill checker (little z for short) came.

Little Z, "Dong dong dong..." (knock on the door)

Parrot: Who is it?

Little Z: Check the gas.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little Z: Check the gas.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little Z: Check the gas.

At night, little x came back. I saw a man lying on the ground at the door of my house, foaming at the mouth.

Little x: Yo~! Who is this?

I heard from inside the house: Gas check.

Little x especially likes parrots. One day he went to the bird market and found a parrot selling for 30,000 yuan.

He was very curious, so he asked the buyer: Why is your parrot so expensive? Buyer: My parrot is smart!

Can say anything.

When Xiao x heard that it was so smart, he bought it with all his heart.

He was very happy when he got home in the evening. Just play with the parrot.

Little x: I can walk

Parrot: I can walk

Little x: I can run

Parrot: I can run

Little

Later the owner brought back a hawk and rested it with it. When the owner came to take a look, there were parrot feathers hanging outside the cage.

The master said: "I won't do it this time."

But when I looked carefully, I saw that the eagle was dead, and the parrot was naked and said: "This grandson It's so amazing, I can't beat Ya Ting without taking off my shirt.

"

There was a bird lover who was particularly fond of parrots. One day he passed by a bird shop and found a parrot being auctioned. He saw that the parrot had beautiful fur and decided to buy it, so he shouted: "I'm willing to pay $10 for this parrot! "

Then someone shouted: "I am willing to pay 20 US dollars! "

The bird lover didn't want to give up the parrot, so he shouted another 30 yuan... But another voice seemed to be against him, until the bird lover shouted He didn't stop until he got 200 yuan...

The man was very happy to buy the parrot, but he suddenly thought: I spent so much money to buy this parrot. If it can't talk, then I will lose money. Is it old?

So he went to ask the boss: "Boss... can your parrot talk?"

Then he heard the parrot shout: "No." say? ! ? ! Who do you think was bidding on you just now? ! ? ! "

A bird dealer had three parrots. A customer came over to take a look, pointed at the first parrot and asked the price.

"1,000 yuan. "The bird dealer said.

The customer was surprised: "It's so expensive? "

"Of course, because it will use Windows"

"What about this one? "The customer pointed to the second one.

"2000, because it uses UNIX"

"Oh, what about the third one? "

"3000. Can it...?" The bird dealer shrugged and replied, "I don't know what it can do. "He pointed to the first two parrots, "But they called it 'CTO'. "

A man was walking on the street and saw a businessman selling parrots. He saw that the parrots were very beautiful and asked the businessman if parrots could talk?

The businessman said: "Of course! If you don't believe it, just hold its right foot."

The man shook the parrot's right foot as he was told. The parrot said clearly: "Hello! Hello! "

The man was very happy, and the businessman said again: "You can hold its left foot again. "

The man shook the parrot's left foot as he was told, and the parrot said clearly: "Goodbye, goodbye..."

The man was even happier. Immediately. I bought a parrot.

I was overjoyed when I got home. I touched the parrot’s left foot and then its right foot.

The parrot also said obediently: Goodbye. .Hello.

Suddenly he had a sudden thought: What would it say if I held its two feet together?

He held the parrot's two feet.

The parrot said loudly: "xxxx! You want to throw me to death!" ? "

1. There once was a eunuch...

The bottom...

The bottom is gone...

The bottom is gone...

The bottom is gone...

p>

2. Let me tell you a story. The beginning of the story is scary, the middle is funny, and the ending is very sad. The story goes like this:

Once upon a time there was a ghost... < /p>

Fart...

Dead...