100 points for classic, funny and humorous text messages

1. Once when I was waiting for a bus, a BMW drove past. An expert next to me said to the people next to him: "Look, that car just passed by is an IBM."

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2. A friend of mine was an intern at China Unicom. One day, an old man came up to me and said, "Get me a mobile card, okay?" Then my friend said this without even raising his head. : "Master, someone is here to cause trouble!"

3. When a colleague went to meet a client, he might be nervous, but as soon as he opened his mouth he said, "Hello, Mr. Liu, may I ask what your last name is?"

4. The geography teacher used to be a man. He was very violent. He would punch anyone who spoke or got distracted, but he would not hit the girls. There was a new girl who didn’t know and thought that men and women were equal. One time she I was secretly reading comics in class, and was discovered by the geography teacher. He walked up to her, and before she said anything, the female classmate turned pale with fright and shouted: It's indecent. Our geography teacher, Waterfall Khan.

5. My classmate said: I put too much washing powder. Another asked: What? Does your brother have too many wives?

6. One day when the wind was strong, the bicycle fell down in a row. I heard a classmate say while supporting the bicycle: Whose Mercedes-Benz ran over my BMW?

7. I used to call my boyfriend’s dormitory, but he didn’t answer the phone. I was a little embarrassed, so I made up a random name and said, “Is XX here?” I just wanted to pretend that I was looking for the wrong person. It’s over~~ The other party hesitated for a moment and said: Just wait, I’ll call you. I fainted at that time! I was so scared that I hung up the phone. Later I asked my boyfriend and he said that a boy in the dormitory opposite them called me that name I made up.

8. Last time I was abroad, I saw a handsome man selling pastries on the street. My friend and I said he looked like Elvis Presley while we were buying. He heard us talking about him and asked us what we were talking about. I thought for a long time: "kingofmiaomiao (meow meow)."

9. The girlfriend in the dormitory called the netizen and the other end was obviously very excited: Hello, I am Wang Xiaoliang, who do you think I am? I can't afford to faint...

10. I learned a saying from a friend: I'll give you ten words - get the fuck as far away as you can. I remember the first time he said this to a group of us, I saw everyone counting on their fingers to see if it was ten words... What's even more awesome is that I said this sentence to n friends, basically More than 90% of people will hesitate for a moment, say silently or slightly move their fingers, and then say with a smile on their face, "Damn, it really is only ten words." Tried and true, haha!

11. One day, the monitor told me what to do on Saturday (there were a lot of things that week). After that, my deskmate shook my arm: Quick, tell me, what day is Saturday?

12. I have a female colleague who is very strong (weight and strong). She often does strength work in the workshop and outshines all her male compatriots. One day, I saw Mr. A who was unable to move things and moved a box of goods easily and skillfully. While moving, he laughed at Mr. A for being too shy and weak. Mr. A held it in for three minutes and said: No matter how fat you girls are, there must be a man who can carry you to bed...

13. When I was in middle school, I took the Chinese midterm exam. In the test paper, the classical Chinese translation is "A tyrannical government is more fierce than a tiger", and occasionally it is translated as "The ferocious levies and miscellaneous taxes are more ferocious than the teacher!" After handing out the papers, I realized that I was sweating! The class teacher drew a huge red circle on the word "teacher". That question was worth 1***2 points, and I deducted 5 points.

14. There was a power outage, but my dad’s mobile phone was still charging. He was holding a candle and looking for something. I asked him what were you looking for, and he said why the green light when charging was missing?

15. Haha, the ward building of the Second Hospital of Shandong University lost its space and became a cadaver building. Until now...

16. We sleep with a schoolgirl. A classmate came to chat with her, and her classmate asked her: I always heard about the frog prince, why does it have to be a frog? The three of us were confused at that time, and the school girl explained to her that it was because of a fairy tale called the Frog Prince. The classmate said: Oh, that’s it. Are frogs and toads the same thing? Hey, is that called a toad or a Chanyu? The school girl sighed and said: Chanyu, Toad is the leader of an ancient ethnic minority tribe. At that time, the three of us were so embarrassed that our faces turned green.

17. Once I went to have dinner with a friend of mine. The clerk in the store was very annoying. He rolled his eyes and asked: What are you eating? My friend asked what special dishes you have here, and the clerk said: Everything is available.

My friend was anxious and said: Then get me a plate of fried tomatoes.

18. Once I called my father’s work to find him. Because I was in a hurry, I didn’t think twice about getting through. I called him: Dad, are you xxx (father’s name)? As a result, everyone on the other side laughed and was speechless.

19. Another time, a friend asked me which man I thought was the most handsome in history. I said it was Pan An, but he said with disdain that it was Yang Zongbao. I asked why? He said with a proud face: "Don't you know that Hua Mulan fell in love with him the first time she saw him?"

20. My good classmate is a bit darker, and her boyfriend is too fair. Sometime ago, one day in the dormitory, the venomous queen suddenly said to her: "You can't do this, you will give birth to zebras..."

21. The same venomous queen met her in the same department one day. There is a senior who graduated in his early 30s who still has his charm. What he cares about most now is to seize the tail of his youth. This time, the venomous queen sincerely wanted to praise others, but as soon as she opened her mouth, she said again: "What a young middle-aged man." Ah!”

22. One of my classmates was nervous for the first time during the consultation. He might have wanted to ask about the patient’s longevity and surname, but he ended up saying: Uncle, your... surname is Gao? All the patients in the house were in coma.

23. The food in our school cafeteria is divided into soft rice and harder rice. One day in the cafeteria, a boy in front of me said something after careful consideration: It’s better to just eat soft food...

24. When I was in college, I took an analog electrical experimental class and used an oscilloscope to observe the rectifier circuit. After finishing the waveform, I was wandering around the laboratory. A girl grabbed me and said, "Look at my wave, okay?" I immediately blushed, and then I realized that she was pointing at the sine wave on the oscilloscope. I said in a panic: "Your waves are good, but not smooth enough." I adjusted them for her, and unexpectedly they turned into triangular waves. The girl immediately became anxious: "You accompany my waves, you accompany them." My wave..." I ran away.

25. My classmate’s friend is dull, but his appearance may be okay. A few years ago, he went to Beijing Film Academy and passed the exam. When he came back, we asked him what he was going to take. He said that the examiner asked me to pretend to be an idiot, and they all pretended to be idiots. We asked why you were pretending, and he said: I didn't pretend, I just walked around and picked it...

My mother often told Yangyang: "Don't be slutty when wearing a skirt." Otherwise, the little boys will see the little underwear inside!"

One day, Yangyang happily said to her mother: "I competed with Xiao Ming on the swing today, and I won!" < /p>

Mom said angrily: "Didn't I tell you? Don't swing on the swing when wearing a skirt!"

Yangyang said proudly: "But I'm so smart! I put the I took off my underwear so that he can’t see my underwear!”

Melon seller: “Come and eat watermelon, it’s not sweet and you don’t have to pay for it!”

Hungry! Thirsty Niu Niu: "Wow! Great, boss, let's have something not sweet!"

Mom asked both of them to get up: "Hurry up! The rooster has crowed several times!"

< p>Shuangshuang said: "What does the rooster's crow have to do with me? I'm not a hen!"

On the bus, Crab said: "I want to sleep with my mother tonight!"

< p>Mom asked: "Will you sleep with your mother when you marry a daughter-in-law in the future?"

Crab Xia said without thinking, "Yeah!"

Mom asked again: "What about your daughter-in-law?" What to do?"

Crab thought for a long time and said: "It's easy, let her sleep with her father!"

Mom: "! ＠#＄%＾&＊(... —"

When I looked at my father again, tears filled my eyes!

Fang Fang was very curious about the belly button, so he asked his father.

Dad connected the umbilical cord to the fetus and The mother's theory was briefly explained, saying: "After the baby left the mother's body, the doctor cut off the umbilical cord and tied a knot, which later became the belly button."

Everywhere: "Then why didn't the doctor "Tie a bow?"

My father said to Tiantian: "You don't have to go to school today. Your mother gave birth to two brothers."

Tiantian replied: "Dad, I only said that I gave birth to one child; I want to save the other one for next week when I don't want to go to bed!"

As soon as Scorpion fell asleep, it was bitten by a mosquito. He took a bite.

He got up to drive away the mosquitoes, but he couldn't get them out.

He had no choice, so he pointed at the mosquito and said: "Okay, if you don't go out, I will!

" As he said that, he left the room, closed the door tightly and said proudly: "Huh! I won't go in tonight. I will starve you to death!"

One day, Jie Jie and her mother went out on the street; while walking on the road, it suddenly started to rain.

Mom took Jie Jie's little hand and said: "It's raining, run forward!"

Jie Jie asked slowly: "Then it won't rain ahead! ?”

Pingping asked her mother: “Why do you call Mr. Jiang ‘ancestor’?”

My mother said: “Because ‘ancestor’ is a term for the dead. "

Pingping said: "Should the deceased grandma be called "Fresh Milk"?

Dad told Yuyu how he often went hungry when he was a child.

After listening, Yuyu had tears in his eyes and asked with great sympathy: "Oh, Dad, did you come to our house because you had no food?"