I want to tell my mother a joke!

One day, a polar bear had nothing to do but pluck his own hair. One, two, one, two ... almost pulled it out and said, "It's so cold!

A child joined a hide-and-seek club and the teacher never found him again.

Two people jumped into the pit. One is dead, one is still alive. The dead are called dead. What's the name of the living?

Save someone's life.

One day, when two people want to commit suicide, they come to God and ask God to grant them death so that they can go to heaven. God gave them a bottle of poison and said, "This is only enough for one person to drink. It is useless to separate. " Finally, both of them died. Why?

Because one of them opened the poison and saw "another bottle" written on the back of the bottle cap. . . .

One day, I was eating,

suddenly

I missed a grain of rice in my mouth.

I put it in front of the ant's house.

So, I solved the problem of eating at their home.

Once upon a time, a lamb met a wolf.

The wolf growled at the lamb, "Ha! I will eat you! ! ! ! "

Guess what happened? . .

. .

The wolf ate the lamb! ! !

What day is it today?

Yesterday, tomorrow, tomorrow is yesterday.

Aladdin has three brothers. What is his brother's name?

Alaga, Allabo, Aladdin

Where's Pig Bajie's brother?

The Monkey King (Monkey Brother) doesn't say it's the seven rings of a pig.

One day, two tomatoes walked together. 1 A car came, 1 A tomato was hit, 1 A tomato pointed to that tomato and said, Ah ~ ~ ~ ketchup.

A mute went to buy a toothbrush, and it took the boss a long time to understand. So if a blind person wants to buy sunglasses, how long will it take him to make his boss understand?

All he has to do is say it.

Policeman: "Say, what's your name?"

Prisoner: "My name is Jackie Chan."

Policeman: "Why don't you call Zhen Chen? Correct your attitude ~ tell me your name ~? "

Prisoner: "My name is Zhen Chen."

It is said that a polar bear has to wear sunglasses to see because the snow is too dazzling.

But he couldn't find sunglasses, so he crawled around on the ground with his eyes closed, looking, crawling, crawling.

Before I found sunglasses, my hands and feet were dirty.

Put on sunglasses and look in the mirror, only to find: Oh, I'm a panda.

On a very cold planet, there is a very cold island. On that very cold island, there is a very cold town. In that very cold town, there is a very cold house. In that very cold house, there is a boy. He opened the window and said:

~ it's so cold ~ ~

1, a male deer, it goes faster and faster, and finally becomes a highway (deer)! ! ! !

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up, whatever you wanted.

At this moment, the wolf sneered and drooled and said, Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is.

5. Why are there no dinosaurs now?

A big earthquake destroyed the dinosaurs.

The dinosaur went to make a movie.

6. Why does the white rabbit like to eat radishes?

Because its eyes are red.

Radish is rich in nutrition.

Because rabbits can't afford meat. (

Q: When do people have two mouths?

A: It's time for two people, hehe.

Xiao said to Xiao B: dig the plug ... it's raining outside! ! Do you see it?

Xiao B is very excited: Yes, I see you. What about you?

The tortoise and the rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ..

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly .. and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ..

Then, the snail came up. ..

After a while, the tortoise saw another ant and said to him, come up, too. ..

So the ants came up. .

When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. ...

I saw a ghost today, which scared me to death.

Really, what does it look like?

Hmm (expressing hesitation, etc.) ... looks like a ghost. .

My girlfriend asked me to go to her house to see a movie. After arriving at her home, she wrote the word "movie" on the wall with a pen, and we both sat on the toilet and watched it.

Xiaoming was late for work today. The boss asked him why. He said, "Because I installed an alarm clock yesterday without a battery."

Ming: "Do you know what mosquitoes don't bite?" Ruobing: "I don't know." Xiaoming: "Jelly, jelly pudding, of course!" " Ha ha! "

Three white rabbits picked a mushroom.

The two big ones let the small one get some wild vegetables to eat together.

The younger one said I wouldn't go. If I leave, you will eat my mushrooms.

The two older ones said no and went ~ ~ ~

Half a year has passed, and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. The big one can't come back. Let's eat.

The other big one said wait ~ ~ ~

A year has passed and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. Don't wait for us to eat.

Just then, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the nearby jungle and said angrily, Look! I knew you wanted to eat my mushrooms ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Once upon a time, there was a steamed bread ~ ate a meatball ~ turned into steamed bread ~

one day

Little penguins go to play with polar bears!

Three years later, I walked to the equator and remembered that the house was open.

It was three years before he went home and closed the door.

Six years later, I went to the North Pole.

The child who knocked on the polar bear said, "Polar bear, I'm coming to play with you!" " "

As soon as the polar bear opened the door, he took a look at the penguin and said, "I don't want to play!" Then turn off the child! "

Penguins are home! ! !

There is a person who looks particularly like a bicycle. As a result, one day she stood on the road and rode away.

An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea and turned into a tea egg;

A wolf came to the North Pole.

Accidentally fell into the sea of ice,

What did it become after it was fished out?

. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………… ...........

There is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, the penguin stayed at home and was bored. He was going to play with polar bears, so he went out, but on the way, he found that he forgot to lock the door. It's been 10 years, but the door still has to be locked, so the penguin went home to lock it. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to look for the polar bear, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "Guess what the polar bear said when he opened the door?" Let's go to your house to play ~ "

There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. Penguins pull out his hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!" When the polar bear heard this, he pulled off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!" "

One day, A picked a mirror and looked at it. People here are too familiar.

B said; Is it? Let me see (holding a mirror), me! You don't even know me?

A: "Do you know what I did in the Internet cafe last night?"

B: "What are you doing?"

A: "surfing the internet;

B: Hmm. . "

In order to prevent patients from escaping, the hospital set up a channel of 100, but there are still two mental patients who want to escape from the hospital. Work hard at night

Over the wall. Under the 30th wall,

"Are you tired?" ,

"Not tired." So the two continued to turn outwards.

Under the 60th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"Not tired." So the two continued to turn outwards.

Under the 99th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"tired"

"Well, let's go home."

One morning, an officer known for his strictness asked the early soldiers, "Are you cold?"

Xiao Bing replied: "Not cold!"

The officer was annoyed: "Then why are you shaking?"

Xiao Bing replied: "Frozen!"

A can of wine was buried underground 1000 years. What did he become? Alcohol.

One day, eggplant was walking in the street and suddenly sneezed a lot. It wiped its nose and said angrily, "It's taking a photo again!" "

Doctor ~ come and see me! I have amnesia!

When did you find out that you had this disease?

What disease? ...

What is that man doing?

He's shaking.

Why is he shaking?

He's cold.

A: Oh, shivering doesn't lead to cold drawing.

A: ...

The diver's movements are difficult. He turned three times, then somersaulted forward for three and a half times, and then somersaulted backward for a month.

A man wants to catch a boat. When he reached the shore, he found that the ship had left. The man jumped on the ferry more than 3 meters offshore at a sprint speed of 100 meters, panting and saying, God bless, I finally caught up! Then the sailor said, it's amazing, but why don't you wait for the ship to dock before coming up?

Is this blind man blind?

Customer: "Why doesn't the wine you sell smell of alcohol?"

The waiter smelled it and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to mix your wine."

As soon as I became a brother, I liked driving after drinking. Once, when I came home, I met the police to check the car. Just as he secretly asked Luck to get off the bus for inspection, the police answered a phone call, holding a mobile phone, bossing around and chatting endlessly. As soon as he saw the opportunity, he quietly returned to the car and drove home in a hurry while the policeman who called was unprepared.

The next day, someone knocked at his door. It was the police yesterday. Now that he's sober, he naturally asks the policeman confidently, "What are you doing here? What can I do for you? "

The policeman said, "I helped you drive to the door." Now, why don't you give me back your police car? "

Soldier: "Thirst ... Thirst ..."

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember there is a merlin nearby, which may arrive in a moment. "

Soldier: "Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh! "

Half an hour later-Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally, there is water to drink. "

Soldier: "If you don't go ... you must find Plum ..."

Why did Xiaoming fall?

Please think twice ........................

Because the floor is slippery.

After a party, a group of animals rushed into 7- 1 1 convenience store to buy things. Because it was too noisy, the clerk knocked it out, but left the lamb alone in the store. Why?

Convenience stores are open 24 hours a day. ...

I hate two kinds of people the most:

First, there is racial discrimination;

The second is black;

Third, I can't count!

Do you know why penguins live in Antarctica?

Because it's cold there ... ..

A confessor came to the church,

He said to the priest, Father, I was wrong.

The priest said: As long as you admit your mistake, God will certainly forgive you.

The confessor said, I stole a man's bike, and now I want to give it to you.

The priest said, don't give it to me. Return it to the donor.

The confessor said, I asked him, but he didn't want it.

The priest said: then you can accept it! ]

The priest found the bike parked in the backyard missing after work!

The doctor treated an old woman with gorgeous clothes;

Doctor: How old are you this year?

Female: 18 years old.

Doctor: Hmm! ? ..... you should lose your memory.

A novice went to collect usury.

He took out the iou and smiled and said, It's written clearly in black and white. You owe me 1 10,000! Do you want to default? !

People say they really don't have that much money.

He threatened: Hum! Don't blame me for not reminding you! If you can't pay by tomorrow, your house will be just like it.

-He took out his lighter and burned the loan. ...

Xiaoqing is chatting with a psychiatrist.

Xiaoqing: How do you all diagnose patients?

Doctor: I always ask them some simple questions first. If they hesitate, I can probably know that they are crazy.

Xiaoqing is very interested: what kind of problem is it? Can you give me some examples?

Doctor: For example, Captain Cook traveled around the world three times, but unfortunately he died on one of them. When was it?

Xiaoqing hesitated, a little embarrassed to say that I am not familiar with history. Can you give me another example?

A Dai had to pass an interview to sign up for the navy.

Reporter: Young man, can you swim?

A Dai froze.

Dumb: What's the matter? Don't our army have enough ships?

Late at night, after the last shift, a bus was ready to deliver. The driver looked back and saw a lady in white sitting in the last row. The driver continued to drive and looked in the rearview mirror. The woman is gone, scared ~ ~ brake quickly. Looking back, she sat there again. The driver turned his head guiltily to continue driving and looked at the rearview mirror carefully. The woman disappeared again. She got a fright and suddenly braked. Looking back, the woman appeared again. Facing the collapse, the driver turned his head and continued driving in a cold sweat. The third time, the driver looked at the rearview mirror again. That woman disappeared again. The driver had collapsed and braked suddenly, but she didn't turn her head away. At this time, the woman slowly came to him, her hair was messy and her face was covered with blood. The driver was too stiff to turn to look at her. The woman said in a low voice, "I hold a grudge against you." No sooner had I squatted down to tie my shoelaces than you suddenly braked. "

One day, A was watching TV when he heard someone knocking at the door. He answered the door, but he didn't see anyone.

"Hello, can I have some water?" Only then did I find a snail at the door.

"no!" A kicked the snail away with an angry foot.

A few years later, A was watching TV alone at home when the knock on the door rang again.

A ran to open the door, and the snail said, "Why did you kick me just now?"

Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher:

There are many ants in the toilet.

The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming: What did the ants say?

Xiao a face of vacant ... Said:

Ant, he said nothing.

One day, a family caught fire.

Mom and dad both fled, leaving only one son inside.

Mother was very nervous and shouted outside:

"Son ... what are you doing ... it's on fire ..."

The son replied, "I'm wearing socks ..."

Mom said again, "What socks to wear in case of fire ..."

After five minutes, my son hasn't come out yet. ......

Mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what the hell are you doing?" Come out ~ fire, stay inside ... "

The son said, "I'm taking off my socks."

A man went fishing by the river.

First he wore a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, then he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~

He had no choice but to change the earthworm ~ and there was still no fish bite for a long time ~ ~

In a rage, he took out 100 RMB and fell into the water to curse:

"*-%#% what to eat! Buy it yourself! ! ! !

Tang Priest: This time we need to find a shortcut to learn from the scriptures!

Wukong: Flying is faster than riding!

Bajie: Shenzhou VI is faster!

Friar Sand pulled out his gun and said, I heard this thing will be sent to the west at once.

Some psycho got a pistol from somewhere. He walked in a black alley. Suddenly I met a young man. Without saying anything, the psycho pressed him to the ground and pointed a gun at his head! Question: What is 1+ 1=? The young man was frightened! Meditate for a long time. Answer: equal to 2''? That psycho shot him without hesitation! Then I pulled the gun in my arms and said coldly, you know too much.

Then he met another man, a psycho, and without saying anything, he held him to the ground with a gun to his head! Question: What is 1+ 1=? As scared as young people! Meditate for a long time. Answer: I don't know. That psycho shot him without hesitation! Then drag the gun in my arms ~ I said coldly: I can't ask such a simple question. You don't have to live.

In a mental hospital, a patient is writing a letter. After the nurse saw it, she was curious and asked him:

Nurse: Who are you going to write to?

Patient: Write it to myself!

Nurse: Then what do you write?

Patient: You are mentally ill! I haven't received it. How do I know?

A policeman escorted a prisoner to prison, and suddenly his hat was blown off by the wind.

"Can I help you with your hat?" Please ask the prisoner.

"Do you think I'm that stupid?" The policeman said, "You stand here and I'll get it." ...

As soon as the customer came out from the drugstore to buy medicine, the drugstore boy hurried over.

Dude: Sorry, what you want is tonic water. I gave you poison by mistake.

Customer: Look at you, something terrible almost happened.

Dude: Yes, the boss will definitely scold me when he finds out. Poison is twice as expensive as tonic.

Two gangsters were lying in wait, trying to plot against someone, but they never saw him. One of them was anxious and said, "What's the matter? He hasn't come yet, I hope nothing will happen to him! "

Desperately, I ordered two dishes in the canteen at noon. After eating the first one, I was shocked. "Is there anything worse in the world?" I cried after eating the second one. "There really is!

Fire brigade: Where is the fire? Alarm person: My home. Fire brigade: I mean, where? Policeman: In the kitchen. Fire brigade: I mean, how do we get there? Policeman: Don't you have a fire truck? !

A stuttering chemistry professor: "Answer ... a reagent ... agent ... with ... with ... b ... trying ... reagent ..."

Classmate: "I see, reagent A and reagent B are matched ..."

Bang! ! ...

Professor: "... that ... that ... will ... explode. "

A new shop assistant is memorizing everything. An old lady bought a bottle of soy sauce. The clerk said, "I'll charge you xx yuan and give you xx yuan. Do you need a straw? The old lady suddenly fainted …