Are there any funny jokes? Keep it simple and clear. . Ask god for help

After serving our girlfriend warmly for two years, our parents finally approved of our relationship. So, we decided to get a marriage certificate. It was a very enthusiastic young man who applied for the certificate for us. He said modestly to us, "Today is my first day at work. Please comment on my work. " My wife and I pressed the "very satisfied" button on the evaluator. The young man was very happy and said to us, "Thank you. Welcome to come again next time." On the shorter and shorter dance floor, a man dances with a strange girl. The man asked, "You are really a magical person. Dancing with you, I think the dance music is getting shorter and shorter. " The girl replied, "What's so strange about this? The conductor is my fiance. " The doctor knew that another man had been hit by a car in the street. At the hospital, his wife said to the doctor, "I think he is badly hurt." "I'm afraid he's dead." The doctor replied. Hearing this, the injured man shook his head and said, "I'm not dead, I'm still alive." "Be quiet," said the wife. "The doctor knows more than you." I have taught my 4-year-old daughter a few two-part allegorical sayings for New Year's greetings, so I will find a chance to test her memory and understanding. On this day, I asked, "Baby, what is the second half of' The weasel pays a New Year call to the chicken'?" The daughter blinked and said, "Is it' chicken being an official'?" The SMS scammer received a message yesterday that I won the lottery and asked me to remit the handling fee to a number quickly. Half an hour later, I replied casually: "5000 yuan has been deposited, please check it." I received a reply at noon today: "I have been to the bank three times and haven't received your money, you liar." 1. The teacher asked the students to get up and recite the text. Wang Wang, Xiaomi, Xiao Ming and Luo Xiao all raised their hands. Why did the teacher just let Wang Wang get up and answer? Two birds saw a hunter aiming at them with a gun, so one flew away and said to the other, don't move, protect the scene and I'll call the police. Why don't white rabbits marry zebras? = => Because mother rabbit says tattoos are not good children. 4. When will Taiwan Province Province be reunified? = => When buying instant noodles (unified instant noodles) 5. What line does the monkey dislike? = => Parallel lines (because there is no intersection) 6. Chocolate and tomato fight. Why does chocolate win? = => Because of chocolate bars. 7. What happens when sharks eat mung beans? = => turned into green bean paste. 8. After the match was burned, I went to the hospital. What has it become? = => Cotton swab 9. How did Lin Daiyu die? = => Fell to death (a sister Lin fell from the sky) 10. A pig said "Come on" and hit a dish? = => chocolate 1 1. The potato stabbed the steamed stuffed bun with a fatal knife. What happened? = => becomes 12 bean paste (killing) package. What animal likes to stick on the wall? = => seal (newspaper) 13. Why do foxes often fall? = => Because the fox is cunning (his feet are slippery), 14.4 people are playing mahjong in the house. Why did the police come and take away five people = => Because the person they hit was called Mahjong 15. When do you like to drink soda? = => When you are lonely (you will want soda when you are lonely) 16. An egg goes to the teahouse for tea. What happened afterwards? = => The result becomes tea egg 17. There is a male deer, and it walks faster and faster. What happened in the end? = => has become 18 expressway. Jin Mu is full of water, fire and soil. Whose legs are the longest? = => fire, because ham is 19. Q: A rabbit races with a fast tortoise. Guess who won? A: Rabbit ~ ~ Q: Wrong ~! It's a turtle. As mentioned earlier, it's a fast turtle. It runs fast. Q: The rabbit doesn't want to compete with a turtle wearing sunglasses. Who will pull this time? A: Mm-hmm. Rabbit bar q: wrong ~ ~! The tortoise took off her sunglasses, too! It is the tortoise that ran very fast just now. What mouse walks on two feet? a； Mickey mouse. 2 1. What duck walks on two feet? Donald. Q: Wrong, all ducks walk on two legs! 22. Q: What do African cannibals eat? A: people! Q: Then one day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be a vegetarian. What did he eat? A: Eat vegetables! ~~ 23. What kind of person can't work in a gas station? = => A smooth talker (oil gun slides down) 24. Is jiaozi a boy or a girl? = => The boy has wrapping paper on the jiaozi. 25. The man in gold clothes = => A surprised man. A bee stung on the calendar = = > The wind (bee) and the sun (calendar) 27. Here comes a bear. Come prepared (bear comes) 28. The mobile phone can't fall into the toilet = => It's now or never. There are ten sheep, and nine are squatting in the sheepfold = => cadence (one sheep squats wrong) 30. How to make sparrows quiet? = => Click (Silence) 3 1. What is a transparent sword? = => Invisible (Sword) 32. What do African cannibal leaders eat? Answer: Eating people, should chiefs be vegetarian? = => Vegetarian 33. Why are there no dinosaurs now? = => The dinosaur went to make a movie. 34. Xiao Bai looks like his brother. Do you know why? = => Just like Dabai 35. How about an egg swimming in Songhua River? = => turned into a preserved egg. 36. An egg ran to Shandong. So what? = = & gt37. An egg is homeless. How's it going? = => It turned into a wild egg. 38. An egg accidentally fell on the road and fell to the ground. So what? = => It became an inverted (guided) bomb. 39. An egg fell into the flower. How's it going? = => becomes Hua Dan 40. How about an egg swimming in the Dead Sea? = => becomes Superman 4 1. Xiaoming and Xiaohua go to the seaside to tell jokes. They died after telling their jokes. Why? = => Because of the tsunami (laughs) 42. Why don't men go out? = => Because when you go out, you become a layman. 43. Why can't I see God's penis? = => The secret cannot be revealed. 44. Why is the iceberg just the tip of the iceberg? = => Because the other corner was broken by Titanic. 45. How to keep ducks from flying away? = => Give it a wing. 46. Who doesn't have a phone? = => A perfect mobile phone. Ma Jiajue once told me privately that "a blunt knife is the most lethal". Why? = => Because it is a hammer. 48. Why did Chang 'e go to the moon? = => After nine days of shooting, even the immortals can't stand it. 49. Little Black, Little White, Little Yellow and Little Red flew. Who will feel dizzy and want to vomit? = => White rabbit (vomit) 50. A fat man jumped from a tall building. What happened? = => became a dead fat man 5 1. Two people fell into a trap. Dead is dead. What's the name of the living person? = => Help 52. Which is the worst, rubber, tiger skin or lion skin? = => Eraser (rubber difference) 53. What are cloth and paper afraid of? = => Not (cloth) afraid of 10,000, but (paper) afraid of 154. Our next guest is the pride of China men. He is a singer. Guess who it is? = => Ancient Giant Chicken 55. Which song has the lyrics of "CoCo Lee"? = => The moon represents my heart (CoCo Lee, how much I love you). Why does Harry Potter live in a light bulb? = => Because Harry Potter is a wizard. What Kirin is the best? = => Ice cream 58. What Kirin runs fastest? = => Michelin 59. The cause of constipation (name a foreign star) = => Stallone (shit is too thick) 60. Where does the river rush, the city or the country? = => In the countryside, because the country river is too urgent (why is it too urgent to blow up) 6 1. A, B, C, D, E, Ji, G, Xin, which word is the coolest? = = & gt== > (thong) 62. There is a room where pigeons can be hidden. I hid your song (pigeon) on the roof. 63. What should I do at 12 pm? = => Tutor Buddha's feet, because when you are near (zero) 64. Who is the thinnest, police, hooligans or soldiers? = => Rogue (rogue professor-skinny) 65. An idiot took down the toilet on the plane and threw it away. Guess why? = => Because he is an idiot. How many brothers does Aladdin have? = => Three (Alaga, Alayi, Alabing) 67. A group of eunuchs are chatting and guessing an idiom = => Nonsense (no chicken talk) 68. How much is a heart worth? = => 100 million (exclusive) 69. Which is stupid, the sun, the moon or the stars? = => Stars (the stars in the sky don't talk-Lu) 69. What's the name of this pencil? = => Xiao, sharpen the pencil. What color can best imitate? Red (ground) imitation 7 1 Who will help you add food when you are full? = => Dragonfly, because Dragonfly added 72. A little dog was traveling in the desert and then died. How did he die? = => He suffocated because there was no telephone pole to pee on in the desert. A little dog was traveling in the desert and found a telephone pole, but he still choked to death. Why? = => "No peeing here" is posted on the dotted bar. A dog was traveling in the desert and found a telephone pole. Nothing was posted on it, but it was still stuffy. Why? = => Many puppies are waiting in line. Before a puppy traveled in the desert, he found a telephone pole with nothing attached to it. The queue arrived, but he still choked. Why? = => Because there are two beautiful dogs MM behind him, he is embarrassed. 73. Who will be eliminated when playing games, the wolf, the tiger or the lion? = => Wolf, because-Momotaro (elimination of wolves) 74. Which historical figures are most vulnerable? = => Su Wu Beihai Shepherd (kicked by the sea) 75. Who is the fastest runner in history? = => Cao Cao 76. Cars can fly. Please guess a drink. Coffee (car flying) 77. Once upon a time, there was a steamed bread that ate a meatball. What happened? = => I changed a steamed stuffed bun. 78. Who gave you the water of forgetting? = => Aha ("Aha, give me a glass of water") 79. There is a white cat and a black cat. The white cat fell into the water and the black cat saved it. What did the white cat say to the black cat? = => Meow 80. Xiaoming's grandfather sings while brushing his teeth. Why? = => is denture 8 1. How heavy are the stars in the sky? = => Eight grams (Starbucks) 82.tw is a part of China (with a Chinese herbal medicine name) = => Angelica 83. The jade emperor is called (name a city) = => Tianjin 84. Why do geese fly to the south in autumn? = => Walking is too slow. 85. Farmers have raised 10 cows, with only 19 horns. Why? = => There is a rhinoceros. Pangpang is a famous diver, but one day he stood on the springboard but didn't dare to jump. Why? = => Because there is no water below. 87. A taxi was driving normally on the expressway, but it didn't violate any traffic rules, but it was stopped by a policeman. Why? = => The police will take a taxi. 88. What chicken has no wings? = => Frog 89. What is hard and comfortable to type? = => doze off 90. What is the product with the same production date and effective date? = => Newspaper 9 1. What books are not available in bookstores? = => suicide note 92. Best seller? = => female secretary 93. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. Why? = => My mother said that people who spend all their time online are not good people. Pandas love deer deeply, but they are rejected when they express their love. Why? = => The deer said timidly, my mother said that all the people wearing sunglasses are bad teenagers. 95. Who didn't attend the zoo meeting? = => The lion (because the lion "lost" contact) 96. Fat people sit in sedan chairs (place names) = => Yugoslavia (Rafe) 97. Go to the toilet (enter the name of a Hong Kong female artist) = => Karen Mok (reason: Karen Mok) 98. Grandpa, dad or brother, who will cry after listening to mom? = => Grandpa (night after night) Remember what Mom said, tears for you. 99. There are two bees who love each other very much, but later the mother bee married the spider. Why? = => Because this female bee falls in love with the net 100. Good day, sad night (Gai Lou) = => single-plank bridge 10 1. Which star in the entertainment circle stutters? = => Christine (because ... Christine: "Hello, I'm Christine Christine") 102: If there is a car, Xiaoming is the driver and Xiaohong is the passenger, then whose car is it? = => "If"! "If" has a car 103: What has Kirin become when it reaches the North Pole? = => Ice Kirin (ice cream)! 104: which is the oldest, McDonald's or KFC? = => KFC! Because KFC's image is grandpa and McDonald's is uncle. . 105: Xiaoming wants to cross the bridge, and two ghosts appear opposite, a red ghost and a green ghost. Xiaoming has a gun with only two bullets. One shot killed the green ghost, two shot killed the red ghost. Do you want to kill the red ghost first? Or a green ghost? = => Green Ghost (because the red ghost was blue in the face when he saw that the green ghost was dead, and then shot and killed the red ghost) 106. A male deer walked faster and faster, and finally became a road (deer)! 2. Two tomatoes cross the road, and a car flies by. One of them can't escape and is squashed. The other tomato points to the squashed tomato and laughs: dig hahaha, ketchup. 107. The wolf said, "I will eat you!" " "Guess what? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb. 108. There is a duck named Xiao Huang. One day, he was hit by a car. He shouted, "Gung! "From then on, he became a cucumber! ! 109. The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so it scratched itself and burned itself to death. Once upon a time, a bird passed by a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day a fire broke out in that cornfield, and all the corns turned into popcorn ... The bird thought it was snowing and froze to death after flying over ... when I bought instant noodles, it was112.50006.000000000105 Asun and appa have nothing to talk about, and time waits for no one. A song: "Recalling childhood, the happiest thing is Children's Day. Appa: "Youth Day is in ten years. "A song:" Father's Day will be in ten years. Apa: "In a few decades, this will be the day for the elderly." A song: "In a few decades. A Bo: "Tomb-Sweeping Day. 1 13. A college student was unfortunately caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, "Say, where are you from?"? "You don't say I will electrocute you! ! ! "College students answered the enemy's words and were electrocuted. He said, "I'm from TV University!" "1 14. Wang, the host of Happy Dictionary, asked in an interview with the audience:" Who is the hostess you admire most? " The audience said, "It's you." Ask Wang, "Why do you say that?" The audience said, "Because you look a bit like Yang Lan! 1 15. Do you know what color Spider-Man is? Red, wrong! It is white. Look at Spider-Man's English: Spider-Man (white) 1 16. Why did Xiaoming fall? Please think twice, because the floor is slippery. 1 17. Mom told Pippi to get up: "Get up quickly! The rooster has crowed several times! Pippi said, "What does cock crow have to do with me?" I am not a hen! "1 18, my father told my daughter that she was often hungry when she was a child. After hearing this, the daughter had tears in her eyes and asked sympathetically, "Oh, Dad, did you come to our house because you didn't have food?"? Tong Tong asked his mother, "Why do you call Mr. Jiang your ancestor?" "Mother said," Because' ancestor' is the name of the deceased. " Tong Tong said, "Will those dead grandmothers be called' fresh milk'? 120, my mother often said to Xiaomei, "Don't swing when wearing a skirt, or the little boy will see the underwear inside! One day, Xiaomei said happily to her mother, "Mom, I played on the swing with Xiaoming today, and I won!" " "Mother said angrily," didn't I tell you? Don't put on a skirt! " Xiaomei proudly said, "but I'm so smart! I took off my underwear so that he couldn't see my underwear! " 12 1, my daughter was curious about the navel, so she asked her father, who simply explained the reason why the umbilical cord connects the fetus and the mother, saying that after the baby left the mother, the doctor cut off the umbilical cord and tied it in a knot, which later became the navel. The daughter said, why doesn't the doctor tie a bow? 122 One day, Xiao Ming and his father went out to play. It was time for dinner, and his father led him to the door of a small restaurant. Xiaoming refused to go in anyway, and his father asked him why. Xiaoming pointed to the sign in front of the restaurant and said, "I don't want to eat urine fried rice-"Originally, the sign said: fried rice 123, father: Pierre, today. Just tell the teacher. Pierre: Dad, I only said that I gave birth to one. I want to save the other one for next week when I don't want to go to school. Dad Buck is sitting on a bench in the park. A child stood by him for a long time and never left. Buck was very surprised and asked, "Angel, why do you always stand here?" The child said, "This stool has just been painted. I want to see what you look like when you stand up. " 125, a classmate always uses other people's toilet paper when going to the toilet, and never buys it himself. Once, someone saw him holding paper and said angrily, "why do you always use other people's toilet paper?" Won't you buy it yourself? " He said, "Why are you so stingy? It's just a little toilet paper. I'll pay you back when I run out! " Mom: Pierre, do you want a biscuit? Pierre didn't respond. His mother asked, Pierre, do you want a biscuit? Pierre said, Yes, Mom. Mom said: Why should I ask you twice? Pierre: Because I want to eat two tablets. 127, go out to play, and ask local students to help book hotels before arriving at the destination. When we arrived, we called him and asked him which hotel he was. He said: Baixia Hotel. We asked again: Which one is white? He said: It is red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple white. 128 Maoshang kindergarten. One day, the teacher asked: Who knows how many countries there are in the world? The kitten said: I know! The teacher said: Then tell me which countries there are. The kitten said: There are two countries, namely China and foreign countries! 130 female ghost loves to fart, and one day she farted and died ... 13 1 price There was a man in another state, and his court of appeal ruled that he and his wife divorced because "she hung pictures of her four ex-husbands on the wall above our bedside". 132 Songkran Festival, everyone throws water on each other to bless. Suddenly a man scolded: Shit, who spilled water on me? Others advised that throwing you is a blessing. The curse said, come on, who threw boiling water at me? 133 I went to work this morning to catch the bus. When I got to the platform, the bus had already started. So I chased it and shouted, "master, wait for me, master, wait for me!" " ...... "This is a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me," Wukong, stop chasing. "134 outside the delivery room of the hospital, a group of men are waiting to be new fathers. A nurse hurried out of the delivery room and said to one of them, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth!" " Another man threw his cigarette butt on the ground, jumped up and shouted, "How dare you! I got there before him. Why isn't it my turn yet? "135 a man went to the hospital for a health check-up. The nurse took a needle to draw his blood. A armor looked at the shiny needle and couldn't help asking, "Will it hurt?" "I'm afraid of pain!" The nurse said, "Don't worry, I've been a nurse for more than 20 years ..." Someone said, "Great, I'm relieved!" Then the nurse put the needle down and only heard a scream like killing a pig. The nurse slowly connected: "It doesn't hurt." George drinks beer alone in the self-defeating bar on 136. He suddenly felt that he was going to the bathroom. He was afraid that someone would steal his beer after he left, so he wrote a note on the table: "I spit in the cup." When he came back, he found another sentence added to the paper: "I threw up, too." . . . 137 is too loud. Zhuge Liang is a master of the eight eccentrics, and one of his specialties is ventriloquism. It is said that Zhuge Liang discussed with Liu Bei in his account this day. Zhuge Liang suddenly wanted to fart, but he was afraid of being heard by Liu Bei. I'm really sorry. He had a brainwave and said, "Master, how about I call you a woodpecker to adjust the atmosphere?" Liu Bei nodded. Zhuge Liang barked twice in imitation of a woodpecker and took the opportunity to fart. Then he asked, "What's the matter, master? Do I learn like it? " Liu Bei said, "Learn it again. You farted too loudly just now. I didn't see it. " 138 An ugly girl has never been married and wants to be trafficked. One day, her dream finally came true and she was kidnapped. The kidnapper thought she was ugly and sent her back to her original place. The woman insisted on not getting off the bus. The kidnapper gnashed his teeth and said, go! No car! 139 the train in Spring Festival travel rush was very crowded, and a gentleman took advantage of the stop to put his ass out of the window to defecate. When the inspector at the bottom of the car found it, he shouted: Fat man with cigar, shrink his head back to 140. I saw a coin by the roadside. I was just about to bend down and pick it up. It turned out to be phlegm. I *, his mother, who threw up so round? 14 1. In a military performance, a shell deviated far away. The soldiers sent to inspect found that the shells landed in the farmland, and there stood a farmer in Tanaka, his clothes were torn and his face was dark. He said with tears in his eyes, stealing a cabbage is worth shelling? 142. Remember the military training under the tree that year? The coach said to the students, "Count off in the first row!" You looked at the coach in surprise, and the coach said loudly, "Count off!" " "So, reluctantly, you turned and hugged the tree! 143. It's hot and cold, so it's hard to calm down this season. I always miss you in the distance. I would like to keep a homing pigeon and let it fly to your place every day, even if all I can do is a simple action: pull a shit on your head! 144 A village woman went to town for the first time and wanted to go to the toilet. She didn't meet for a long time, so she asked the policeman, Comrade, there is a public toilet in front. Where is the mother toilet? 145 a patient was drinking in the ward, and the nurse went over and whispered to him, "sweetheart!" " The patient smiled and said, "Little baby. "146 An old buddy lost his car. When he put the new car downstairs, he locked three locks and put a piece of paper: let you steal it! The next day, the car was not lost, and two locks and a piece of paper were added, which read: Let you ride! 147 math class, the teacher talked about equation transformation. On the podium, he rolled up his sleeves and shouted: Attention, students! I'm going to change! ..... 148 Today I was watching a DVD, and my mother came in with a book and said, tell me what these words mean. Mom: What does this "I don't know" mean? I said, "I don't know. "Mom: I sent you to college for several years. How come you don't know anything ! I said: no! I don't know! ! Mom: Still mouth shut! ! ! ! Mom: You told me this. "I know what does it matter. "mean? You should know. Tell me about it. I said, "I know. "Mom: Tell me if you know. I said, "I know. "Mom: Are you playing tricks on me? You just cleaned up a little, didn't you? I said: I know! Mom: I know you haven't said it yet! ! Don't pretend to understand if you don't understand (another beating). Mom: be careful. I spent so much money to send you to college, and now nothing can be done. You can put on airs with my mother a little bit and ask you the last one. Please give me a good explanation. If you can't tell me, I will take care of you. What do you mean, "I know, but I don't want to tell you"? I fainted, picked up a pillow and hit it on my head for more than 30 times, hit the wall with my head for more than 40 times, slapped my mouth with my hands for more than 50 times and kicked the corner of the table with my legs for more than 60 times. When I was bloody, I asked my mother: Are you satisfied now? This is not her old man asking me again: "What do you mean, my son, I am very grateful, don't trust me? Me: I'm bored, so leave me alone. Mom: "looking for a beating, talking to your mother like this" (so I was beaten) mom asked again; I didn't hear anything. Repeat. What does this mean? " I said, "I didn't hear you clearly. Say it again. "Mom said again: I didn't hear anything, repeat" I didn't catch it clearly. Say "What do you say?" I said, "What did you say?" (Being beaten again) My mother asked, "Look it up in the dictionary?" I said, "Look it up in the dictionary." Look it up in the dictionary and I asked you what you did. My mother asked again, "You'd better ask someone else." I said, "You'd better ask someone else." "You are my son, I will ask others why, and I will find a fight." "ah! God help me! " "Play with your mother, and God won't save you! (Beaten) I ask you again: "Use your brain and turn over the thin tool kit. What does that mean?"? "! " I said, "Use your head and think carefully." "Son of a bitch, don't you dare fool me." Then I tried it again. I quickly said, "It means that only mothers are good in the world." "Well, that's more like it. I'll make you something to eat later and ask you tomorrow. "