Some jokes are very fresh. Thank you. The more, the better.

1. Chatting with my boyfriend, when it comes to rising, my saliva splashed all over his face. Then instinctively wipe it off by hand. I was a little embarrassed, but I deliberately shifted my focus and pretended to be angry: "What? Don't like me, "he said with a gentleman's smile. "No, wipe it evenly!"

2. In the past, the school said that it was necessary to have a physical examination and a stool for laboratory tests, and then everyone took some ~ and then an alumnus ~ put it in Chow Tai Fook's bag and box, and then walked halfway ~ and was taken away by a motorcycle driver. . . . . .

3. Girlfriend has small breasts. We bury her every day. One day, she finally couldn't bear it anymore and shouted at us, "What about my small breasts? I will follow my dad! "

4. I took my family to swim on the beach in Jinshan today, mainly to play with the children in the sand. In the process of piling sand, the lifeguard (commander) on the distant high platform shouted with a megaphone: Parents with children should pay attention, please take good care of their children, especially those with their own children and other people's wives, please don't leave them aside, I can see that!

In other words, I have a female colleague named Li Rui and a male colleague named Li. ...

(Reader's supplement: It is also said that China has a national policy called "family planning", Li Sheng has one, and then the director of the family planning office went out. . . Then, there is a national leader named "* * *"! )

6. In winter, I eat hot pot with my classmates. After eating, I came out first, waiting for the students behind me. I pick my teeth according to the black glass of an off-road vehicle, and then apply lip balm ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

7. When I first went to college, because our place was messy, some friends in the dormitory went to the market to buy knives and put them in the dormitory for self-defense. After buying it, I passed a bank, and someone happened to carry boxes of money to the cash truck after work. We didn't want the escort to misunderstand, so we asked a friend to hide the knife in his clothes. As a result, when I came to the escort with a gun, the boy fell to the ground. Later, we left silently, afraid to pick a knife. . .

Triboelectricity, a middle school physics teacher, said: We take off our sweaters in winter. The sweater creaked. And lightning. But not in summer. Why? Boy in the back: Because I don't wear sweaters in summer.

9. My friend was drunk once. According to civilized language, he was in the toilet, holding the phone in his right hand and pressing his left hand in the mirror, looking at the "prisoner" in the mirror affectionately: Did you eat well? Has the prison been strictly controlled recently? Leave as soon as possible ...

10. My parents are not at home tonight, so I have to cook and stir-fry by myself. After pouring the oil into the pot, I heard the phone ringing in the bedroom, ran back to the bedroom with my mobile phone, and walked to the kitchen while talking on the phone. When I got to the kitchen, I saw the oil boiling and spilled everywhere. I threw my mobile phone in the pot when I got excited. . . . . .

1 1. Some buses in Hangzhou are high-end, so the glass is stuffy. It says: Break the glass in an emergency. The temperature has risen these days, and the bus is hot, and there are many people on the bus. The most depressing thing is not knowing that the immoral guy put a silent fart in the car. . . Later, the glass broke. . .

12. One night, my parents came back from playing mahjong. I woke up when they entered the room, but I was still confused. Suddenly my leg cramps died (I think it is very long), and then I jumped out of bed. At that time, my consciousness was very vague, and I just wanted to take two steps to suppress the feeling of cramp. As a result, I took two steps and felt that I could not persist any longer. I plopped down on my knees in front of my father and gave him a fright. Kneeling down, I felt no cramps, then stood up silently and turned back to my room to sleep. There was not a word in the whole process. I guess my father was petrified at that time.

On July 22, 2009, I met a buddy on a BBS and said, "TMD, the eclipse was in the daytime, which made me wait all night for nothing!" "

14. The last time I watched a CCTV program, I couldn't remember the name, but I remember that at the beginning, a reporter asked a person at the train station, "Are you happy?" Ask everyone, some people say happiness, some people say unhappiness, and then ask a farmer ... reporter: "Are you happy?" The farmer looked at the reporter several times and said innocently, "My surname is Wang".

15. I perform plays at school. Before my monologue appeared, I noticed some girls changing clothes backstage-so I got **high. This play is Superstar of Jesus Christ, and I play Jesus. I only wear a few pieces of cloth. As a result, all the audience saw that Jesus was shamefully hard when he was crucified.

16. Punching in the bus usually sounds like "beep", and some student cards sound like "beep, student card" ... One of our classmates, a woman, rushed to take the bus, but she didn't have any money, and the bus came in a hurry ... She queued up with others as usual to get on the bus, and took the school student card to the machine to shake it when punching in. .....

17. The head teacher in junior high school likes to pick his nose. Once in self-study, the teacher came in to see if our homework was done well. After a visit, he became interested in my neighbor's homework. While sticking his head out to watch him do his homework, don't forget to pick his nose with his hand. Just listen to "pa", the teacher's booger actually fell on the neighbor's exercise book! At this time, the teacher should also be embarrassed to stand there and not know what to say. At this time, something terrible happened: I saw my neighbor slowly raise his head, look at the teacher and say, thank you, Long En!

18. Take the computer test, wait in the preparation area first, and then enter the examination area through a big glass door. After I finished the exam, I touched the door for a long time, but I couldn't touch the glass. The kind teacher next to me reminded me: "classmate, the door is open." ………

19. I received a short message from a strange number in the morning: "Happy New Year to your sister, the longer the more beautiful!" I thought for a long time, but I replied, "Who's calling, please?" A: "I'm your sister, I just changed my number!" " "

20. A naughty pupil reads comics in a comic book shop. Suddenly, a middle-aged mother shouted in the street, "Xiao Ming, you son of a bitch are still fooling around." If I catch you, you will die. I saw this pupil lose his cartoon and run ... for about 50 meters, panting. "... why should I run away? "I'm not Xiao Ming. 」

2 1. When I was in junior high school, I was very keen on constellations. One day, several girls were discussing constellations with relish. As soon as a boy came up, I grabbed him and asked, "What's your seat?"

The boy was stunned for 3 seconds and murmured, "It's made of meat ..." (It seems a bit similar).

22. Zheng Xiding's daughter-in-law went to her father-in-law's house to find her husband. Seeing my father-in-law washing his face, he asked, Dad, where's Ding? Father-in-law is unhappy and continues to wash his face. The daughter-in-law was angry and asked, Dad, where is Zheng Xiding? Father-in-law is furious: wash your face! Some children in the south may not understand, and the "Ding" in the north means ass.

23. There are three new omens before the earthquake:

24. Every time a wife quarrels with her husband, she has to go to the toilet for half a day. This happens more often, and her husband has to ask her, "What are you doing in the toilet? It seems quite Japanese? " The wife said, "Brush the toilet!" The husband asked, "Can you get rid of the air by brushing the toilet?" The wife said, "I don't know. It's all your toothbrush anyway."

25. A lady went to take pictures. After the photo shoot, I'll get the auto-developed photos. After reading it, I exclaimed, "How come I look like a monkey!" "The lady behind said coldly," that's mine. Yours has to wait. "

26. A person was sentenced to 12 years, and it was boring in prison. One day, he found that an ant could understand him, so he began to train it. A few years later, ants can stand on their heads and do somersaults, which makes him quite proud.

When he finally got out of prison, the first thing he did was run to the bar, ready to show off his magic ants. He first asked the bartender for a glass of beer, then took the ants out of his pocket and put them on the table. He said to the bartender, "Look at this ant ..."

The bartender came over, killed the ant at once, and said sorry to him, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll get you a new one right away!" " "

27. Party A, Party B and Party C went out together, and Party A caught a cold. ...

Everyone sleeps in a bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle.

In the middle of the night ... A sniffles, and B and C are covered with A crystals.

Let us know next time ...

Half an hour later, A: Attention …

B, C, Wen Wen quickly got into the quilt and made sure there was no contact with the outside world …

As a result, a fart.

28. One day, one of my classmates went to the bank to withdraw money, thinking that there were still dozens of dollars in it, so he simply took it out together, so he said loudly to MM sitting in the bank, "Take out all the money inside!"

As soon as the bank's MM swiped the card, she immediately looked up at the megaphone and said seriously to her classmates, "There is only one dollar and fifty cents in it. Do you want to take it all out? "

There are many people waiting in line at the back. ...

29. One day, I (a man) just came out of the school's collective bathroom, and a pretty girl came up at the door and asked, "Hey, are there many people inside?" I was cheated at that time, I didn't know what to say for a while, and finally I managed to squeeze out the word "not much". . Meimei seemed to realize something and left silently. ...

Is Gaga enough?