Please give me some jokes.

1. Once upon a time, there was a man named Shuang. He is dead. On the day of the funeral. His family shouted, "Cool ... so cool. Passers-by are puzzled. Asked, "What do you like?" The family cried:' Great ... awesome! ! One day, father, mother and son decided to go for an outing. They took a Shandong pie and two cans of sea chicken and set off for Yangmingshan. After ten years of hard work, it's finally here! They sat on the floor, unloaded their equipment and prepared to eat. Turns out I didn't bring a can opener! Son of a turtle: "... I'll go back and get it." "turtle dad:" my son! Come on! Mom and dad are waiting for you to come back for dinner. Go back quickly! " Tortoise son: "Be sure to wait for me! Don't break your word! " So, the turtle son set foot on the road home. Time flies in ............... Time flies. Twenty years have passed, but the turtle son hasn't appeared yet. Mother turtle: "wife ... do you want to have dinner first?" I'm so hungry, I said ... "Turtle dad:" No! We promised our son! Ok ... wait for him for five years, or let him go! " It's been five years, and the turtle son still hasn't seen it. Tortoise parents don't care! Parents decided to start. He took out the pie and was about to eat it ... suddenly, turtle son poked his head out from behind the tree ... turtle son: "damn it!" I knew you would steal! Trick me into getting a can opener? I waited for 25 years and finally got it! I hate being cheated! Xiao Xin: Dad, why are there three gold medals in my name? Dad: You are short of gold in your life, so you are called Xin. Just like some people are short of water, so they are called Miao, while others are short of wood, so they are called Sen. Dad: What do you think Sister Guo Jingjing is short of in this life? 4. A boyfriend and girlfriend were sitting on a park bench in love, and the woman suddenly wanted to fart. Say to the man: I am a cereal bird, do you listen to it? Men are willing to listen So, under the cover of "goo goo" birdsong, the woman happily farted. W: Does it sound like a cuckoo? Man: What a fart! I didn't catch it! 5. The tortoise is hurt. Let snails buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise was in a hurry and scolded: * * If I don't come back, I will die! At this time, there was a snail's voice outside the door: you said that Lao Tzu would not go! 6. One day, an elephant was taking a bath. Suddenly an ant came up to the elephant and said. You stand up. Stand up at the beginning. Ants! You sit down. The elephant asks the ant what you want to do. Stand for a while, sit for a while. Ants answer! I lost my underwear. Let me see if you stole it. 7. The elephant accidentally stepped on the ant's nest, and the ant climbed into the elephant's nest. The elephant shook its body and the ants fell down. At this time, there was another elephant around its neck, and the fallen ant shouted "strangle it". 8. One morning in computer class, a row of classmates' computers crashed. So a classmate stood up and said, "Teacher, the computer crashed, and our platoon was all dead." At this time, many students said, "We are dead, too. "Then the teacher asked," Who else is not dead? " Only one classmate stood up: "I'm not dead yet!" ""The teacher said strangely, "The whole class is dead. Why don't you die? " 9. Before eating peanuts, monkeys should put peanuts in their buttocks before taking them out. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now. 10. Xiaoming: "Dad, am I stupid? Dad: "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?" Tell a story: "Once upon a time, there was a eunuch named ......................................." Continue to tell the story: "Below? It's gone ... "12. A person has just learned a foreign language. He accidentally stepped on a foreigner's foot in the street that day. The man quickly said, "I'm sorry." The foreigner also said politely, "I'm sorry, too." Hearing this, the man quickly said, "I'm sorry, three." The man said helplessly, "I'm sorry." "13. A letter from the Tang Priest to the Monkey King Dear Wukong, I wrote this letter slowly, because I know you can't read it fast! It rained twice this week, the first time for 4 days, and the second time for 3 days! Did you have a good time in Huaguoshan? I had a terrible time in heaven. Because there is no gravity, my stool, urine, tears and nose can't fall off. Do you feel bitter? Our beef noodles here are delicious. Let's go to the restaurant in West Street for hot pot when you come another day! Your Guanyin sister is going to have a baby, so I don't know whether you want to be an uncle or an aunt for the time being, because I don't know whether it will be a boy or a girl! Did you receive the clothes I sent you? I was afraid of being overweight when I was ready to post it, so I cut the button and put it in my pocket! It's very late to write here. Come and play with me sometime. Remember not to drink more water, otherwise it will be difficult to pee here! P.S. wants to send you money, but the envelope is stuck! 14. A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been very abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, cucumber and watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit. 15. Someone went to Shanghai on business and lost a dollar in the street. The policeman said, "We will definitely help you find it. "When the man went again in January, the street where he lost money was dug up to build roads. He can't help but sigh, "Shanghai is the truth. "16. Classic joke: This ant was sunbathing one day when he suddenly saw an elephant coming slowly and got up. The ant said, "Shh ~ ~ ~ ~ Keep your voice down and watch me kick him. 17. The earthworm family was bored this day, so the little earthworm cut himself in two to play badminton. Mother earthworm thinks this method is good, so she cuts herself into four pieces to play mahjong. Father earthworm thought about it and cut himself into minced meat. Mother earthworm cried and said, "why are you so stupid?" You will die if you cut so hard! Father earthworm said weakly. ... suddenly want to play football 18. The tortoise and the hare raced ... the hare quickly ran to the front ... The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, "Come on up, I'll carry you ... Then the snail came up ... After a while, the tortoise saw an ant again ... and said to him," You too. When the ant came up, he saw the snail on it and greeted him. Do you know what the snail said? Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast ... 19. One day, a family caught fire and both parents escaped, leaving only one son in it. Mother nervously shouted outside the house: "Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..." The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..." The mother said: "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..." Five minutes later, the son hasn't come out ... The mother shouted nervously again: "Son! Come out ~ I'm on fire, and I'm still inside ... "The son said," I'm taking off my socks ... 23. A man went fishing by the river, wearing a leaf ~ no fish took the bait for a long time, and he changed a piece of bread ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ so he had to change earthworms ~ no fish took the bait for a long time ~ ~ He was very angry and took out 10. Buy it yourself! ! ! 24.& gt My deskmate has a cold and a runny nose, but he forgot to bring his handkerchief, so he has been sniffing. The Chinese teacher suddenly turned around and shouted, "That's enough! Stop it! Too noisy! " The whole class was silent. The teacher is > He said, "Who steals noodles in class and makes so much noise?" "25. The patient said to the dentist," You really make money. It only took you three seconds to earn three dollars. The doctor replied, "I can pull it out in slow motion if you like." "26." Narcissism "means that I must be reborn as a woman in my next life and then marry a man like me; Despair "means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one:" Is there anything worse in the world? ! Eat the second shit! There really is! " "Silence" means that the judge asks: Why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money. 27. The Weaver Girl came down to the world to take a bath and got to know the Cowherd, and performed a love story that made the gods cry. This tells us that there is no chance to take a bath at home, so we have to go outside to take a bath ... 28. Xiaoming went back to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet. "The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming:" What did ants say? " Xiaoming looked blank ... and said, "Ants ... didn't say anything ..." 29. A person always farts at work, and his colleagues couldn't help but say, "Can you keep quiet? "Then I saw him sitting there trembling. Colleagues asked him strangely what he was doing, and he replied, "I didn't make any noise, but now it's tuned to vibration!" " ! !" 30. Mother Mosquito: "What's the matter with you, son?" The little mosquito cried and said, "Today, the little fly bullied me and called me a bloodthirsty vampire." Mother Mosquito said, "Ignore it, their home is not a good thing either. They all grew up eating shit. I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou pottery jar, which arrived yesterday. Column identification, experts seriously said: "which Western Zhou Dynasty is this?" This is from last week! 32. Son: "Mom, I failed the math exam today." Mother: "Why, what's the problem?" Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6. " Mother: "That's right, and then what?" Son: "The teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Isn't this the same?" Son: "That's what I said ... 33. A prisoner was shot. Bullets are produced in a county, and the quality is not good. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... At this time, the prisoner cried: "You strangle me, it's so scary! "34. The father told his son a story:" Uncle told Xiaoyang to cut wood. Unexpectedly, Xiaoyang cut down his uncle's favorite peach tree. Uncle was angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why? "The son replied," It may be because Xiaoyang still has an axe in his hand, so he didn't dare to scold him. 35. dung beetles and Mozzie fell in love for the first time. Dung beetles: "What do you do?" Mosquito: "Nurse, give me an injection." Dung beetles grabbed the mosquito's hand and wept bitterly: "Fate, I'm also a doctor, Chinese medicine, and I pinch pills.