Who can tell me a joke? Because I’m bored.

More in space, haha.

1. Once when I was waiting for a bus, a BMW drove by. An expert next to me said to the people next to him: "Look, the car that just passed by is an IBM."

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2. A friend of mine was an intern at China Unicom. One day, an old man came up to me and said, "Get me a mobile card, okay?" Then my friend said this without even looking up. : "Master, someone is here to cause trouble!"

3. A colleague might be nervous when he went to meet a client, so he said, "Hello, Mr. Liu, may I ask what your last name is?"

4. The geography teacher used to be a man. He was very violent. He would punch anyone who spoke or got distracted, but he would not hit the girls. There was a new girl who didn’t know and thought that men and women were equal. One time she I was secretly reading comics in class, and was discovered by the geography teacher. He walked up to her, and before she said anything, the female classmate turned pale with fright and shouted: It's indecent. Our geography teacher, Waterfall Khan.

5. My classmate said: I put too much washing powder. Another asked: What? Does your brother have too many wives?

6. One day when the wind was strong, the bicycle fell down in a row. I heard a classmate say while supporting the bicycle: Whose Mercedes-Benz ran over my BMW?

7. I used to call my boyfriend’s dormitory, but he didn’t answer the phone. I was a little embarrassed, so I made up a random name and said, “Is XX here?” I just wanted to pretend that I was looking for the wrong person. It’s over~~ The other party hesitated for a moment and said: Just wait, I’ll call you. I fainted at that time! I was so scared that I hung up the phone. Later I asked my boyfriend and he said that a boy in the dormitory opposite them called me that name I made up.

8. Last time I was abroad, I saw a handsome man selling pastries on the street. My friend and I said he looked like Elvis Presley while we were buying. He heard us talking about him and asked us what we were talking about. I thought for a long time: "kingofmiaomiao (meow meow)."

9. The girlfriend in the dormitory called the netizen and the other end was obviously very excited: Hello, I am Wang Xiaoliang, who do you think I am? I can't afford to faint...

10. I learned a saying from a friend: I'll give you ten words - get the fuck as far away as you can. I remember the first time he said this to a group of us, I saw everyone counting on their fingers to see if it was ten words... What's even more awesome is that I said this sentence to n friends, basically More than 90% of the people will hesitate for a moment, say silently or move their fingers slightly, and then say with a smile on their face, "Damn, it really is only ten words." Tried and true, haha!

(It’s so cold, it’s winter now, it’s so harmful...)

One day, Eggplant was walking on the street and suddenly sneezed very loudly. It wiped its nose and said angrily: "Damn it! Someone took a group photo again!"

There are 30 frogs in a pool, and only one of them is wearing underpants. Why? (Because he was a bather!)

There was a pig. It walked and walked until it reached England. What did he become?----Pig.

In class, the teacher randomly checked and memorized the text. Piggy, puppy, and kitten all raised their hands. Who will the teacher call? - Puppy, because Wangwang Senbei.

Butterfly, ant, spider, centipede, they work together, in the end, which one does not get paid? - Centipede, because he has no merit.

The elephant in the zoo has the longest trunk, so who is the second longest? - the baby elephant.

Which fruit has the worst eyesight? - Mango.

Which two fruits have mobile phones? - Carrots and greens, each has its own phone.

If there is a car, the driver is a prince and the passenger is a princess, whose legs does this car belong to? - If

Which one has the longer legs, metal, wood, water, fire and earth? ——Ham Sausage

The cobra went on a date with the elephant. After some pleasantries, he said, "Come on, you're welcome to lead such a big pig."

I I thought, if I only had a little more humility, I would be a perfect person.

One day, Mung Bean broke up with his girlfriend. He was very sad, so he kept crying and crying and crying... and finally... it sprouted.

~~~

Two jellyfish collided at the beach. Jellyfish A: "What are you doing! You don't have eyes when swimming!" Jellyfish B: "What are eyes?" Jellyfish A: " I don’t know, he scolded me like this when I bumped into someone last time.” Jellyfish B: “Oh! That’s right!”

In elementary school science class, the teacher told us about tapping on the knee. There will be a knee-jerk reflex. When I got home, I took a hammer and hit my dad's knee. As a result, my dad stood up and kicked me. It turns out that the teacher was right!

If one day I become a gangster, please remember to tell me that I was once pure.

The first lie in life begins with writing essays in primary school, while the truth begins with writing love letters

The Brothers Grimm were very prophetic when they wrote "Snow White" , in which the man who finally rescued Snow White and lived happily with her was named "Prince Charming". Nowadays, female compatriots all want to find the prince charming in their hearts. Why do they hold back? Because the pinyin abbreviation of Prince Charming is BMW, or Z series.

A man was about to jump off a building, and his wife shouted: "My dear, don't be impulsive, we still have a long way to go!" After hearing this, the man jumped down with a whoosh. The policeman said: "You really shouldn't threaten him like this!"

Shit and Pee were good brothers. One day Shit was hit by a car while crossing the road, and Pee said: I really want to poop...

First think of a number in your mind, multiply it by two, add five, then subtract the number you originally thought of, multiply it by eight, subtract five, then close your eyes and see nothing. Yes, right?

A man fell down while walking. He got up and kept walking and fell down again. So he said: If I had known, I wouldn’t have gotten up just now

When the drizzle fell on the river, goosebumps appeared in the river

Which cartoon character is the most dedicated? Answer: Mermaid (because she can’t cheat)

Little A Said to Little B: Dig it...it’s raining outside! ! Did you see it?

Little B was very excited: Yes, I saw it. Where are you?

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by the big bad wolf.

The big bad wolf effortlessly destroyed the thatched house, the wooden house, and the brick house. The three little pigs ran as hard as they could, but they were still caught up by the big bad wolf.

The three little pigs said desperately: You can figure it out. We give up, do whatever you want.

At this time, the big bad wolf* smiled and drooled and said: Then tell me where is Little Red Riding Hood?

The diver's movements were very difficult. He did a triple twist, a front flip, a triple triple half flip, and a back flip for a month.

Which animal has the blackest teeth?

Lyrics of Guo Meimei’s “Not Afraid, Not Afraid”: Yeah Hey (ant teeth are black)

New Year’s Eve, I dreamed of you. Happy New Year to you: Happy New Year! I woke up from my dream with a sneeze. I knew you missed me, so I called you right away to tell you to bring the red envelope!

·The New Year is here. I think I have nothing to give you, and I don’t plan to give you too much. I only want to give you 50 million: 10 million happiness! Be healthy! Be safe! Be content! Don’t forget me

·I wish you a new year in which you will be free from work, win money by playing cards, have unlimited bankbooks, have your pockets full of dollars, have beauties crowded in front of your bed, be full of energy, and be my lover. Strong and sweet.

·"Pig" you are safe, "pig" you are happy, "pig" you are happy, "pig" you jump over the wall in a hurry, "pig" you come in peace.

·The hero rides away on horseback, the beautiful woman shepherds the sheep to bring blessings, everyone gets drunk without being drunk, and people are obsessed with sex without being charming. I wish you a new year: make money when you go out, take the bait when fishing online, and have a meal. You can enjoy endless wings and have endless sex with beautiful girls every day!

·Happy New Year, I wish you: good health, all the best, a happy family, a happy life, a successful career, a house full of jewels, long life and wealth, great wealth, invincible attacks, and invincible battles!

·As the saying goes: The plan for a year begins with spring. Let me tell you a secret to get rich in the New Year: Seize the opportunity whether it is an old chicken or a young chicken; take care of the rams and ewes and take advantage of them.

·Click to see your face all winter; copy your enthusiasm and paste it in my heart; download your breath and save it forever; delete all gray viruses and welcome a brilliant new year , say goodbye to the old year and welcome the new year!

·The new year is coming. May you receive gifts and red envelopes every day, win money as high as a mountain in playing cards, have new friends love you like a bean bag, set off firecrackers all over the streets, say hello to anyone you catch, and not be afraid of the police when you play hemp. Know! Good luck comes!

·As the New Year approaches, I wish you to be: a laid-back rat, a powerful ox, a mighty tiger, an obedient rabbit, a noble dragon, an auspicious snake, a thousand-mile horse, a docile sheep, a smart monkey, a diligent chicken, a loyal dog, and a happy pig!

·One pound of melon seeds and two pounds of dates, I wish you good luck early; one pound of candy and two pounds of bananas, I wish you good luck and will not run away; one pound of peanuts and two pounds of peaches, I wish you money rolling into your pocket!

·On New Year’s Eve, four dishes and one soup are given to you: braised for happiness, steamed for friendship, stir-fried for wealth, boiled for health, happy every day soup, and a bottle of Lanling aged good-luck wine, plus one more A bowl of worry-free rice, happy New Year.

·It’s Chinese New Year, and I’ve made a couplet for you! First couplet: I am suffering for you, tired for you, and shed tears for you. Second line: I am crazy about you, crazy about you, and hit a big wall for you. Hengpi: related to the post. Wishing you a prosperous New Year!

·The New Year is approaching. For the sake of the earth's environment and resources, please reduce the purchase of traditional paper greeting cards. You can fill in the congratulatory message with a pencil on the large-denomination RMB and send it to me! Thank you for your support of environmental protection! I wish you happiness!

·Happy New Year! May you be more popular than the Virgin Mary, be rich enough to be the mother of Bill Gates, be more heroic than Saddam Hussein, be as handsome as David Beckham, and be the international superman!

·When I have money, I will use Remy Martin to flush your toilet, use US dollar bills to light cigarettes for you, use 999 roses to give you a bubble bath, and use Boeing aircraft to take you to and from get off work. Use Huanzhugege to be your maid! Happy New Year!

·No matter how watery the sea is, how majestic the mountains are, how many legs the spider has, how spicy the chili peppers are, no matter how ghostly La D is, how tired the United States is, in short, you are the most beautiful during the Spring Festival! Happy New Year!

·There are two main purposes for sending text messages this time: one is to practice fingering, and the other is to connect with each other. I am very responsible to tell you that today is New Year’s Eve and the new year is coming soon. I would like to send you a message. Technical words: Happy Chinese New Year!

· Four blessings: Booking a New Year’s Eve dinner on New Year’s Eve, hailing a taxi when you go out, visiting each other to get New Year’s money, and having a holiday from the first to the fifteenth day of the Lunar New Year; I wish you good fortune, partial fortune, windfall, and abundant wealth; family love , friendship, personal love, love as you wish!

·Considering that in the next few days there will be overwhelming text messages of blessing clogging up the Internet, the super invincible genius in the universe who has ideals, vision and extraordinary wisdom would like to congratulate in advance: Gude Gude will die, Team team Apu, yes, Niu Yeer!

·New Year is here, do you miss me? If you miss me, press it and press it again. Do you miss me that much? I said I just pressed the button. Still click! I didn’t expect you to miss me like this, I’m so touched! Press again! Tears welled up in my eyes.

·I asked about the worry, but it doesn’t love you at all, and even said it would never pay attention to you. Let me tell you not to be sentimental! Also, Health asked me to send you a love letter: He has been secretly in love with you for a long time, and he will never change it throughout his life! Happy New Year! I bought two kilograms of fashion in a specialty store, three kilograms of romance from the supermarket, made eight kilograms of happiness on my own, cut out a ton of care from the bottom of my heart, and gave it to you as a gift for the Year of the Ox!

< p>1. The teacher asked us to use the word "sure enough" to make sentences, so my deskmate wrote: I haven't showered for three months, and my body really stinks.

2． An article introducing the teacher’s appearance. It should be "The teacher has a face with melon seeds", but sometimes it is written as "The teacher has a face with claws". Our Chinese teacher almost went crazy.

4. The 100 meters of the sports meeting finally started, and the students ran out like stray dogs.

5. The PLA uncles crawled forward one by one, like green caterpillars crawling on the ground.

6． "I died in the classroom due to illness..." "My brother has a newly shaved head, like a little bald donkey in the Shaolin Temple..."

9. When I was in elementary school, I was very used to writing about good people and good deeds in my compositions. So people always write about picking up money. So, in order to exaggerate his achievements, someone wrote that he picked up 100 million yuan in the park. They were all 10 yuan, and they were as thick as a Chinese language document (for fourth grade students). The teacher read it out on the spot, and the classmate was probably extremely cold.

10. The old lady took out four 500 yuan bills.

11. "I have a classmate. He is neither tall nor short. He is over 1.76 meters and under 1.78 meters..." The work of a junior high school classmate...

13. The primary school teacher wrote a semi-proposition composition: "My xxx" and wrote about random people and things. As a result, my classmate's composition topic was: My comrade Qiu Shaoyun.

17. Do you still remember "Tadpole Looking for Mom" ??from elementary school? At that time, the teacher asked us to imitate this and write a composition about ***... One classmate wrote like this: My mother's snow-white belly and bulging eyes...

18. I once peeked at a girl's composition, and the most chilling thing was: If I become a nurse in the future, I will treat patients like a lover.

19． A sister's nephew, using "brand new" in a sentence, "a brand new vegetative person was born"... (Credit to Zhao Benshan). !

21. This classmate wrote: "Guoqiang (one of my male classmates) is sitting on a stool, with a big butt like a pumpkin in the field, and a large section of underwear exposed under his clothes." The teacher read it out during class and said this The classmate described vividly, after class, this classmate was beaten by that classmate...

22. When I was in third grade, another teacher once took over the class. We are asked to write an article "A Corner of My Home". So I wrote: The corner of my house is very beautiful, round and bright, and it is a toilet.

23． On a dark night, the tadpoles in the pond were basking in the sun!

25． Famous quotes from classmates: The wild geese flew miemie in the sky; the round moon looked like a curved bow.

27． When I was in elementary school, I heard someone say that a wild donkey ran the fastest, so I compared a classmate to "He can run faster than a wild donkey." Later, the teacher said that I shouldn't write like this, and I wondered why it couldn't work...

28. I walked into a department store. Ah, it seems that people's living standards have indeed improved. Look at the old farmer, running away with a refrigerator in his left hand and a TV in his right hand.

29. The content of my classmate is probably: One time I was sick, and he gave me tutoring regardless of rain or shine. It was pouring rain and thundering that day. I thought he would not come, but he came despite the rain... He died of a high fever the next day. I will always miss this good friend.

30. There is a reading question on the primary school Chinese language test paper, which basically talks about a mother who endured all kinds of hardships for her children and died in the end. After reading, students were asked to say a few words to their mother on Qingming Festival a year later. A primary school student wrote: "I wish my mother a happy Tomb Sweeping Day, may you be as blessed as the East China Sea, and live as long as the Southern Mountains!".

1 A colleague asked me: Is Clinton's wife Chirac?

2 Once I borrowed money from someone, what I originally wanted to say was "I will pay you back when I withdraw the money." "

Said "I will take it from you when I have the money"

Khan

3 A classmate named Yu Jingbo received a letter one day. The dormitory guard was in the dormitory. The door shouted: Gan Liangpi, Gan Liangpi’s letter!

4 Our Chinese teacher: Please turn the book to 120 yuan

The whole class was stunned, and the teacher was nicknamed "Money Fan" haha

5 One time, a friend was watching a disc at home, and the quality of the disc was not good. A friend said: "Why are there so many Marxes?" It took a while to realize that he meant Masek!

6 When a buddy gets married, give him a red envelope. My friend politely said no.

I said: That’s okay, it’s only once a year, you must take it.

7 The character read "The White-Haired Girl" in junior high school

A boy (Yang Bailao): Pulled two kilograms of red hair rope and tied it up for my Xi'er...

< p>Teacher: It's not like mummies...

8 When I was getting rice, I pointed at the cauliflower and said: "Here are some potatoes."

Auntie asked: Cauliflower?

I continued to point to the cauliflower and said: Potatoes

The aunt asked again: Is it a potato or a cauliflower?

I said anxiously: This is not a potato...oh, cauliflower?

Now that I think about it, it’s enough to make me vomit blood. Sorry, the rice seller

9 When I went to buy pastries, I originally wanted to say, "Two pineapple pies and an egg tart." ", but it turned out to be "Here are two orioles singing egg towers"

What's even more depressing is that the shop owner actually understood...

10 In college, our class had A girl named Liu Yun. Once, a classmate from another class sent her a letter. On the envelope, there is a horizontal line above the lower half of the word "Yun" in her character "Yun". Because the writing was too sloppy, the horizontal line turned into a dot. As a result, the classmate took the letter and shouted in our corridor, "Liu Mang, who is Liu Mang? I have a letter from you." Everyone in the corridor ran out to see Liu Mang (the gangster). As a result, the girl named Liu Yun was helplessly called a gangster for four years.

11 There was a time when there were rats at home, so my mother bought rat medicine to keep the family peaceful, but not a single mouse was killed by the medicine. One day, very early in the morning, my mother got up and looked at the rat medicine in the corner of the door, and said to herself, "Why is no one taking this medicine?~~~" The whole family fainted. . .

12 The English teacher taught grammar and asked everyone before get out of class: "I have finished speaking, does anyone still understand?" We answered in unison: "No!"

13 Raise your glass to welcome the bright moon, bow your head and miss your hometown.

14 Once while playing mahjong on a hot day, the power suddenly went out, so I had to buy candles to continue playing. After half an hour, the heat became unbearable, and one person said: "Let's turn on the electric fan. It's so hot." Another person said: "Can't open it, it will blow out the candle."

15 As the saying goes: If you kill someone and set fire to it, you will pay back your debt.

16 In the physics class, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: Radioactive elements are very dangerous, and you humans must stay away from them! !

17 I vomited grape skins when I couldn’t eat grapes

18 I got a call at the company. It was from a clothing company. They kept saying that they had done unified work for a certain big company. Clothing and the like. I caught the other party talking and blurted out: "We don't wear uniforms in our company!"

The other party whispered for a few seconds and then said "Excuse me" and hung up.

19 Our university teacher: I am looking for three classmates, one boy and one girl...

The whole class started to look around, looking for Li Yuchun.

On the 20th, I was returning to the dormitory from self-study in the evening, and I met a fairy girl on the road, so I followed her

I always wanted to strike up a conversation, but had no courage to approach until the fairy girl was about to walk into the girls' building

Clenching his teeth, he stepped forward and asked the girl loudly: Classmate, are you a woman?

Later... later I enjoyed the supercilious looks of that fairy sister for two years

21 When Deng discussed the class, the teacher was very excited: How many heroic children are lingering underground...

The graduation project of 22 students is made of red cloth in the shape of a phoenix and sewn on a black robe-like garment.

The defending teacher asked: Why does the phoenix use red instead of other colors?

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When the classmate got excited, he blurted out: Because Phoenix is ??burning with desire!! (I guess he meant to say that he was reborn from the ashes). Three seconds later, the classmate who came to watch the defense laughed wildly, and my stomach twisted with laughter!

23 When I was in junior high school, the teacher asked me to carry Mulan Ci (the teacher was more BT), and I was nervous

... When my brother heard that his sister came, he sharpened his knife and went to his parents (pig and sheep)... .....

The whole class burst into laughter, and I laughed too, but I forgot all about it later. Fortunately, the teacher didn’t punish me~~

24 Heaven, Earth, Dou E More unjust than me!

24 I bought WSJ for LP, but after looking at the store for a long time, I didn’t know what to buy, so I just took a pack and asked the store owner: "Boss, is this useful?" The boss (male) was dumbfounded. He looked at me blankly for 5 seconds and said, "I've never used this before!"