There is a lie called "no wrong parents"

Virginia satir, a famous family therapist, said: "A person is inextricably linked with his family, which may affect his life."

Zhang Ailing, a talented woman of the Republic of China whom we are familiar with, was denied, disgusted and beaten by her father when she was young. In severe cases, her father even clamored for her to die.

Some people say that girls who lack fatherly love are more likely to fall in love with uncles when they grow up. Zhang ailing is like this. She has been looking for a love that can bring her full sense of security. She has married two husbands. The first husband Hu Lancheng is older than her 14 years, and the second husband laya is 29 years older than her.

Wu Zhihong, a famous psychologist in China, said: "Love is the cycle of childhood relationship. Samsara has two meanings, one is to relive the beauty of childhood, and the other is to correct the mistakes of childhood. " Obviously, Zhang Ailing belongs to the second category.

A poor family is like a cancer. Even when children grow up, they will still be mired in the quagmire and be controlled and influenced uncontrollably.

American psychologist Susan Forward's book Born in a Family: How to Repair Your Personality Defects is a classic about psychotherapy, which tells how those who are poisoned by a bad family can cure themselves and live a free and healthy life.

This book describes in detail the behaviors of various toxic parents through a large number of real materials that the author has come into contact with at work, and analyzes how these behaviors hurt their children and seriously affect their adult life.

As the title of the book says, the subtitle "How to mend one's own character defects" tells the author's real intention. She is not limited to blaming toxic parents, but focuses on teaching methods, telling people who grew up in poor families how to repair their personality defects, how to get a new life, and how to get freedom and happiness.

This book has two authors. One is Susan Forward mentioned earlier. She is an internationally renowned psychologist. She has worked as a psychologist in many psychological institutions and medical clinics, and has relieved the mental troubles of countless people. Another author, Craig Barker, is a screenwriter and producer. He has worked with Susan on many works.

Well, speaking of which, here comes the question. What kind of feeling and help can this book bring us?

First, why do you say that "no wrong parents" are poisoned chicken soup?

In a happy family, parents plant love, respect and independence, while in a bad family, they are full of indifference, violence and fear.

A self-media person once wrote an article on the Internet with a straightforward title-"To tell the truth, I don't love my mother". This self-media person has a bad background. In his memory, his parents would only quarrel endlessly. His mother is strong and mean, and this young child is no exception. A small matter may lead to her beating up.

For this self-media person, writing this article is a kind of self-exposure and self-healing. But many netizens criticized him from the commanding heights of morality:

This situation can not help but remind people of a sentence: inherit the wind.

Yes, our traditional culture has been preaching: parents are great, how can there be wrong parents in the world? After more than two thousand years of cultural heritage, children's filial piety to their parents has become a strict dogma of "it must be so".

Under this kind of education, children who come out of poor families have always felt gloomy, difficult to be accepted by others and embarrassed to have nowhere to put them until adulthood. They are puzzled and angry, but they dare not put the blame on their parents, so they can only bear it silently.

Just like the self-media person mentioned above, his anger and accusation against his mother became something that could not be presented. No matter how deep his resentment is, he can't show the slightest. If he does this, he will be labeled as unfilial, just like those "spectators" who attack him from the moral high ground.

However, in the eyes of psychotherapists, this is not the case at all. They understand pain and pain, and they will tell you that the injury from the family is not your fault, but your parents.

Psychotherapists won't let you pretend to be a saint and say that your parents have their own difficulties. They will use professional psychology to lead you out of the gap brought by your family and reconnect with this beautiful world.

Second, poisonous parents are poisonous.

All parents have shortcomings. Parents who can meet all the emotional needs of their children do not exist. We can't knock over a boatload of people with one pole and say that all parents are poisonous.

The toxic parents described by Susan refer to the persistent negative behavior patterns of such parents, which always dominate and bind the children's life.

Children who grow up in toxic parents' families are exposed to various toxins released by their parents at an early age, causing psychological trauma that is difficult to heal. Even if they leave family of origin as adults, their thoughts, words and deeds are always branded by their parents.

The book lists several toxic family behavior patterns, and you can examine and define your family background according to the specific situation.

One is incompetent parents, shirking their responsibilities as parents and transferring their responsibilities to underage children. For example, the mother is sick in bed all the year round, and the responsibility of care that should be borne by the father is forcibly pushed to the children, so that they should take on the responsibility of adults too early at the age when they should enjoy the care of their parents.

The second category is manipulative parents. Parents take care of their children, and decide everything by themselves, from what kind of school they go to, what kind of major they choose, who they marry, what kind of clothes they wear and what kind of food they eat.

In addition to the above two types of toxic parents, there are drunken parents, physical abuse of parents, verbal abuse of parents, and sexual abuse of parents, also known as incest.

A female friend once confided to me that when she was a teenager, because she loved beauty, she always liked to wear beautiful clothes and admire her beautiful face in front of the mirror. However, her mother always hurts her with ugly words, such as "you know how to dress all day, so you can be a prostitute!" "

Toxic parents, who ignore their children's emotions and how their actions will have a negative impact on their self-awareness. When children grow up, they still bear heavy psychological shackles, and the shadows in their memories still linger.

Third, how to bid farewell to the poisoned self through psychotherapy?

There is a topic in Zhihu: What kind of experience is it to be born in a terrible family?

The following message is shocking: some people say they don't want to go home on holiday; Some people say that they are desperate for human nature and often depressed; Others say that they don't want to have children, and feel that this gene is not worth passing on; What's more, I might as well die and feel worthless. ...

One by one, unfortunate people blame the most important people in their lives-their parents. In their most carefree childhood, they don't feel love or warmth, but only unspeakable harm and impatience with growth. They think that only in this way can they leave home and get rid of the shackles of their parents. They don't know that without effective intervention, this unhealthy psychology will affect their lives.

The author Susan said that no matter what our parents did to us, it has become an unchangeable fact. What we can do is what else can we do for ourselves? How to reduce the influence of parents on us?

The book Native Home provides us with a new mode of getting along with our parents, which allows us to redefine ourselves, find a lifestyle that suits us, and rebuild brand-new self-confidence and self-worth.

So, how to do it specifically?

First of all, you can make cognitive adjustment and stop punishing yourself.

Let go of the unfortunate responsibility of childhood and return it to those who should bear the responsibility, such as parents.

Secondly, overcome the fear of facing your parents directly.

In this link, the most important thing is to confront your parents. The purpose of confrontation is to completely overcome the fear when facing them, and also to reposition your relationship with your parents.

How should I confront my parents?

You can choose the way of writing letters.

Write down your feelings for many years, including the bad things your parents did to you, and elaborate on your feelings at that time and how these feelings have affected your life now. Of course, don't forget to ask your parents what you need them to do in the future.

In addition to letters, you can also choose interviews.

The time, place and content of the interview need to be prepared in advance. Also pay attention to interview both parents at the same time? Or separate?

In this regard, Susan said that there are no hard and fast rules. On the one hand, the family system established by poisoned parents is not only the responsibility of one parent, but the result intentionally or unintentionally. On the other hand, if parents have completely different personalities and opinions, it will be easier to communicate with them at the same time.

Susan mentioned that no matter what kind of confrontation, there may be three choices in the end.

First, your parents show some understanding of your pain and admit that they are responsible for a small part.

In the second case, parents are unmoved by your pain and still go their own way.

The last option, parents flew into a rage and refused to admit responsibility. So, do you give up the relationship with your parents and never meet again for the sake of emotional health, or continue the previous forbearance mode?

Whether you improve your relationship with your parents, alienate them, maintain superficial harmony, or completely sever your relationship with your parents, it means that you have taken a big step on the road to getting rid of the shadow of the past. Explain that you have broken the original inertia relationship with your toxic parents and saved energy for yourself to gain new freedom and happiness.

Finally, remember to seek professional psychotherapy when necessary.

You should believe that you are not alone on the road to overcoming difficulties. You have a solid backing and a spiritual mentor to guide you in the right direction of life.

When you can better grasp the relationship with your parents, you will find that your relationship with others and yourself will be greatly improved.

The book "Origin and Death" makes us see clearly the essence of poisoning parents and find out how to counteract this kind of harm.

Some readers commented on this book and said, "I finally understand the real source of my inexplicable irritability, anxiety and anger." Why didn't I meet this book ten years ago? " Unfortunately, meet early and get rid of it early. "As readers' feedback, this book has awakened and saved a large number of people who were poisoned by their families and didn't know it, or who were once helpless in the shower.

Numerous examples show that poisoned children can easily become poisoned parents when they grow up and get married, and transfer the harm from parents to their own children. This cancer goes on and on, wantonly devouring the mental health of generation after generation. This is also the profound meaning of psychotherapy for poisoned children. They must tell themselves: get rid of cancer and don't be like their parents.

From this perspective, the publication of this book is indeed a good thing with boundless merits.