After reading these divine replies, I laughed my guts out.

A classmate confessed to the goddess of senior three.

The goddess said, "I don't like children."

The idiot replied, "We can't have children first."

2.

I sent a short message to my predecessor: "delete my number from your address book, and we will not contact again."

She replied, "Who are you?"

3.

"It feels like snow outside at dusk. How about a glass of wine inside?" How to reply is more domineering?

The driver drank a line of wine, and his relatives shed two tears.

4.

I sell meat. I met a wonderful customer today and asked me, "How much is a catty of ribs?"

"The normal price is a catty of 20 yuan, which can be counted as 18."

Big brother looked serious and asked, "am I abnormal?"

5.

I just washed my hair. Why does it feel beautiful?

Are you out of your mind?

6.

"Why take one?"

"Because it is very serious."

7.

Hey, this classmate, you are so ugly.

"I am a mirror"

8.

"If Yang has a concubine, will the little dragon girl agree?"

"You tell me how he did it!"

9.

What are the names of the roll paper? "

"Guan Bao's friendship."

10.

"In the martial arts world, what should I pay attention to when opening an inn?"

"Put big letters on the wall: I'm going out to fight."

1 1.

How to express "I was bought" implicitly?

To be fair. ...

12.

Many people of the same age get married and have children. Does it affect you?

It doesn't affect me, but it affects my mother more.

13.

What do you mean, "Who held my hand and drove me crazy for half my life"?

I'm sick, who has medicine!

14.

How to express anger gracefully?

Push your glasses with your middle finger.

15.

Why do some people feel more handsome and beautiful after taking a shower and washing their hair?

Because I'm crazy.

16.

What amazing people or things did you meet during your trip?

My mother, she won't let me go anywhere.

17.

What is the strangest slogan in history?

Garbage sorting, starting with me.

18.

What if a girl wants six dollars to go home?

People who go out with chalk are usually unlucky.

19.

Is there a difference between southerners and northerners playing DotA?

In winter, the level of the south drops collectively.

20.

What are the famous sayings about football?

There is not much time left for the China team.

2 1.

Where does a woman's tenderness come from?

Go out for a quarrel and buy a dish by the way.

22.

A girl eats duck head, but the duck head is salty.

Gay friends smeared oil, which worried gay friends.

23.

The most famous show in history?

The bonfire plays the prince.

24.

If the hen had a mind, what would she think?

My hen!

25.

How can an aggressive person avoid being overcharged when he goes to the vegetable market to buy food?

It's no use, it's a big tax.

26.

What's it like to be in love with a lawyer?

If you don't get divorced, you can't even buy underwear

27.

Google Glass startup command: OK, glasses, why is Chinese translation the most appropriate?

All right, brother mirror.

28.

Why are northerners more direct and tough?

It's very cold, so I have no time to travel with you.

29.

What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever done?

I used to sleep with my mother when I was a child.

30.

What are the words and deeds that reflect low emotional intelligence?

"Why do you always kick me?"

3 1.

Why do people in China like making costume films so much?

The biggest problem facing science fiction films is whether the country will lead the people in the future.

32.

What should I do if I suddenly pop up indecent pictures when I show ppT to my customers?

There was silence for half a minute, and then he asked, "Are you still sleepy? -don't sleepy I continue ... "

33.

What is the mentality of the behavior of "playing well as a grandson"?

Because that's what grandchildren do. Sun Tzu's Art of War: "Soldiers are also cunning, so they can show their incompetence."

34.

Which country can I go to if I want to travel abroad for 2000 RMB?

State of Qin. Lu Guo. Qi State. Shu State. Korea. Zheng Guo. Guo Wei. Chu State. Zhao Guo. Yan State. Wu. Wait a minute.

35.

Why have more and more criminal cases against young girls occurred frequently since the disappearance of the fast broadcast in July, 20xx?

1978, I was born, and China carried out reform and opening up to celebrate my birth. In 2008, I got married, and China also hosted the Olympic Games to celebrate it.

36.

How to spit out a bad movie?

There are 17 rows of seats in the cinema, with 32 seats in each row. There are 48 lights on the ceiling, and a black dot always appears in the lower left corner of the screen. The frequency is about 1 minute and 20 seconds.

37.

How to reply "Don't you have any old people at home? Don't you have children? " Moral kidnapping like that?

Grandpa and I are both educated, and there is no fight on the bus. My brother and sister have a good family education, so I can't bear to be quiet. My parents don't smoke, and my mother doesn't shout in the car. Your family is of high quality.

38.

How is Daniel made?

I remember when I first entered the company, the code I wrote was messy, full of mistakes and bugs. Not only the project manager scolded me, but also other colleagues complained to me.

Later, I listened to a friend's introduction and signed up for a training class. After 1 month's hard work, many good things happen-they can't scold me.

39.

What are the famous "brainwashing famous sentences" in history?

For all China people, there is a four-word mantra that can never be avoided.

As long as someone says these four words to you, you can be possessed to buy tickets for the most scary scenic spots, climb the most dangerous peaks and eat the most terrible restaurant food. These four words are: "Here we are."

40.

How to respond to "people's eyes have 576 million pixels, but they can't understand people's hearts after all"?

You have 654.38+000 billion brain cells, but you are trying to think about the problem of no nutrition.

4 1.

Why should the demolition be circled?

I'm from the demolition team, but I'm not particular about it. It is purely for convenience. When I am in a good mood, I can also draw a heart.

42.

What compliments embarrassed you?

Oh, this young man, you can't judge a book by its cover.

43.

Why can't the library wear slippers?

In case those who lick their fingers, read books and dig their feet fight.

44.

In ancient mythology, why can willow and locust trees become exquisite, but fruits and vegetables can't?

Make a vow to practice in the morning and stew at noon ...

45.

Why do all the fish in the deep sea look so special?

It's dark in the deep sea, and no one can see anyone, so everyone grows casually. ...

46.

The child asked, "Why can adults beat me when I do something wrong, but adults can't beat me when I do something wrong?"

Because you can't fight, when you can, adults will start to reason with you.

47.

Should primary and secondary schools cancel the compulsory study of classical Chinese?

You think mathematics is of limited practicality. Who can solve a set of equations without buying food or learning?

You think English is of limited practicality. Usually speaking to foreigners and watching American TV shows have subtitle groups, so you don't have to buy food or learn.

You think physics has limited practicality. Usually those little sliders are dangling, so you don't have to buy food or learn.

You think chemistry has limited practicality. Who usually plays with copper sulfate without learning to buy food?

Classical Chinese, you think its practicality is limited. Who usually has leisure to read classical Chinese, but they don't have to buy food or learn.

Then what do you say about compulsory education? Learn to buy food?

48.

Why does China rarely launch wars of foreign aggression?

Is it paid by telephone from a small piece of the Yellow River valley to a big rooster now?

49.

What's the experience of having a daughter?

"Baby, I am willing to give you everything in this world."

"I want to eat ice cream ~"

"no!"

50.

Tyrant, we are friends.

I saved the money by giving up treatment. ......

Legendary reply

1, where is the private money hidden from my wife?

God replied: Donate it directly to the Red Cross, not to mention your wife, which can't be found all over the world ... 2. What is the longest project in China?

God replied: Project Hope. Only the beginning, not the end.

3. CCTV reporter interviewed a migrant worker on the street: What do you think of this year's New Deal against corruption?

Migrant workers reply: Do you mean that the previous years were all jokes? !

Today, I saw my friend's signature: If justice is needed, there are words. Don't understand, ask humbly.

God replied: yours is mine and mine is mine.

5. I once heard a saying: "The key point of getting along with my sister is: if she is not wet behind the ears, take her to see the prosperity of the world;" If her heart changes, take her to the carousel. "

God replied: the key to getting along with a man is: if he is the seed of love, you take off your clothes; If he reads countless people, you are by the fire …

6. Q: Prove in one sentence that you have seen Four Great Classical Novels.

God said: the strategist saved me, my sister saved me, my brother saved me, and Wukong saved me.

7. Q: "Let all 24 female guests turn off the lights in one sentence."

God replied, "I hope to find a virgin ..." The word "seat" was eaten alive when the light went out.

8. My wife went shopping and saw a lovely child. Then I looked at my husband and sighed. Say to your husband: if you give birth to a baby that looks like you in the future, it's over!

God replied: My husband paused and stared at his wife: "If you don't look like me, you are finished!"! ! ! "

9. Q: A student, with the lowest grade every year, often fights with others. According to the leader's request, the teacher wants to give students better final comments. How to write?

God replied: The student has stable grades and strong hands-on ability.

10, posting: "President Yamaki resigned due to rape"

Ask: "Who is this kind of beast who rapes even the door!"

1 1. Post: David's wife gave birth to a baby girl.

Ask: "Who is Tong Da? So powerful! "

12. Why do you pour blue water on sanitary napkin advertisements? Are women Smurfs?

God replied: using red water can easily lead to diplomatic disputes with Japan-! !

13, q: can lust be changed?

God replied: Dong Fangbubai had this problem before, but it didn't happen again.

14, q: isn't it hot for you women to wear bras in summer?

God replied: It will be very hot without you. ...

15. Why do children have the same surname as their fathers?

God replied: because the money spit out by ATM belongs to the cardholder!

16, q: "why does CCTV news always broadcast the clips they are packing?"

God replied, "to tell you the truth, we brag in the draft."

God smiled and answered.

1, I met a friend today and politely said to him: invite you to dinner another day!

As soon as the voice fell, he took out his mobile phone and said, what day? Let me make a record.

2. I went to a restaurant with a brother. I just sat down in the restaurant. Brother: How big is the boss's frog lung?

Boss: Hello, we don't sell frog lungs.

Brother: I mean frog lung ~

Boss: Sorry, we don't have frog lungs. Do you think it's okay to fry frogs?

Brother: I mean WiFi for wireless internet access. . .

Me: Boss, I don't eat this person. I don't know him.

3. Buy socks and ask the boss: How many pairs?

Boss: Two pairs.

I said, how much is it?

Boss: They are sold in pairs.

I clenched my fist: I mean the price!

Boss: The price is absolutely reasonable!

I trembled and said: I said RMB!

Boss: It must be RMB! This is made in China! Boy!

At this time, I felt extremely collapsed inside: I ask again: what is the price?

Boss: I told you, this is the market price! Whether to buy or not, you have been complaining for a long time! ? I see clearly, you're fucking looking for trouble! Brothers, let's go. . .

4. Korean stars took a shit, and Ta's brain powder was eaten together.

Passerby: That's disgusting.

Brain powder A: How dare you say this shit is disgusting? You can pull it.

Brain powder b: if you can't pull it out yourself, it will make others sick. You are obviously jealous of others.

Brain powder C: You didn't see how seriously I pulled XX, and you didn't understand the effort behind him.

Brain powder D: Why curse? You don't know anything about Ta. You can know what Ta ate yesterday from this shit.

Passerby: I mean, your food is disgusting!

5. I was at work, and a message came from WeChat, which was sent by the supervisor. I am in the toilet now, and there is no paper. Who will help me?

As soon as I saw the opportunity to make contributions, I immediately put down my work and ran for credit.

When I arrived at the door of the toilet, I saw the supervisor standing there and saw me coming. Hey, hey, smile: you play mobile phone at work, and your bonus is gone this month. . .

God responds to jokes.

1, Landlord: Today, I specially decorated my home very romantically, and the sofa was filled with roses. Hold my girlfriend on the sofa and take a photo ... My girlfriend is breaking up with me now. Oh, no, I forgot to pluck the thorn from the rose. ...

God replied: Is it a flat tire? 2. Landlord: What means do you usually use for contraception?

God replied: my appearance.

3. Landlord: How nice it is to be an ass, born with your other half and never part.

God replied: You are right, but you are afraid of a third party.

Landlord: She watched him fall in a pool of blood in front of her. She ran to him crying, picked him up and sat on the ground, blood still flowing out. The man was held in her arms and slowly closed his eyes. "Hold on, asshole! I want to be your bride. You said you would do anything for me. How can you die like this! " She screamed and cried.

God replied, "get up, asshole!" " I only stabbed you once, and there's another one. Get up! "

5. Landlord: Although I am only a sheep, cumin will make me more fragrant.

God replied: then burn the charcoal fire slowly, and the fat will grow all over you.

God replied: I won't be heartbroken when I mix any ingredients, and it tastes the same in any way I cook.

God replied: happy, beautiful sheep, lazy sheep, boiling sheep, slow sheep, soft sheep, all ready, roast whole sheep!

6. Landlord: Why do many people say that mlgb is a curse?

God replied: actually, it is not. Mlgb really means making love. Bye. Commonly known as leaving work.

7. Landlord: I sincerely think that you are really handsome!

God replied, so I can't even see.

8. Landlord: As long as you say a word, I can instantly wake up from the state of confusion and absence.

God replied: Next, I'll find a classmate to do this problem on the blackboard.

9. Landlord: He told his daughter earnestly: Life will not always be as one wishes, there will be many bumps, and there will always be one kind or another, but people must live clearly when they are young, and freedom and happiness are the most important. Don't think of me like that. I won't know what I really want until I get old …

God replied: the daughter interrupted him angrily and shouted: So you can steal my boyfriend, right?

10, girlfriends have very small breasts. She said to me: don't look at my small breasts, but every time my husband touches them seriously.

God replied: yes, he didn't touch it seriously, and he couldn't touch it!

1 1, "Poor, you can't go anywhere you want."

God replied, "be optimistic, you can still die!" " "

12, how do you think to change one hundred dollars into two hundred dollars in the shortest time?

God replied: Look in the mirror.

13, the new semester, don't stay up late, read more books, exercise more, learn English, save, I hope I can indulge in learning this year.

God replied: just think about this kind of thing, don't take it seriously.

14, recently took a fancy to a 5 million project and just invested in it. I still don't know how.

God replied: Did you buy a lottery ticket?

15, news: the man drove by himself 1800 km, stole the car for 20 minutes and fled back to Guizhou.

God replied: not a cow. I have a strange man here who can't drive if he steals a car. He only learned to back up temporarily, but he just backed up and drove 100 km home.

God replied 2: Not a cow. There is a strange man in my hometown of Hunan, who can't drive after stealing a car. He only learned to reverse the car temporarily. He has been driving backwards for 65 years.