7 classic funny jokes

Shameless

A beautiful woman went to the meat market to buy a kilogram of pork. Because there was not enough pork, the boss cut off a small piece from the pig's face to make up for it.

The beautiful woman refused to agree and said loudly: "I'm shameless!"

I've known you for a long time

The young man hurriedly said: "I understand. , Got it, I’ve known you for a long time.”

“Really?”

“Yes, I have been working in the bank for three years. How much savings does your father have? It's very clear."

Buffalo meat

Mrs. John bought the beef and found that it had been filled with water. The next day, she went to the beef merchant to reason with her.

The businessman said frankly: "What I sell is buffalo meat!"

Cakes

There was a cake shop, and the cake chef was making birthday cakes for customers. When making a cake, he can always connect the cake with the guest's profession. For a birthday cake with glasses, he will make a perfect blinking eye on the cake. For a dentist’s birthday cake, he would make a cake with an open mouth, complete with teeth and tongue.

One day, a customer came to the store, looked at the samples and introductions for a while and was about to leave. The cake chef stopped her and asked politely: "Hello! How can I help you? "The female customer turned around and replied: "Oh, thank you, I don't have to. Today is my husband's birthday, but he is an anorectal surgeon."

A fat woman and her husband went to the beach. She lay on the beach, stretched her limbs, and enjoyed the sun and sea breeze. At this time, her husband came over and said to her: "You lie like a big character, which doesn't look good. Pay attention to your image." She looked around and said nonchalantly: "Look, that woman is not lying like this." Her husband looked at it. After looking at it, he sighed and said: "Hey, there is still a difference between imitation Song Dynasty and black body."

Hope

The pastor asked the church member: "When you are lying in the coffin, what do you hope? What do people say?" One said, "I want people to say I'm a family man." Another said, "I want people to say I'm helpful." A third said, "Look, he seems like that." It's moving! '"

We were both wrong

On the train, Passenger A's cell phone was missing. He insisted that Passenger B sitting next to him had stolen it. However, after a while, Passenger A found the mobile phone in his other pocket. So, he apologized to Passenger B very embarrassedly.

Passenger B replied calmly: "It doesn't matter. Just now I regarded you as a gentleman, and you regarded me as a thief. It seems that we were both wrong." Weibo Quotes

p>

Stingy

A complained to B: "There is no stingier person in the world than my neighbor! He is reluctant to lend me a hammer, as it seems that it will break as soon as it is used."

B said: "What did you do next?"

A: "I had no choice but to take out my own hammer and use it!"

Funny Quotations - Cheating Jokes

Very "funny" Cheating Jokes

The husband and wife both have lovers outside, and they often go out on their own to find excitement. They rarely spend the night together. One day when both of them were at home, they both felt a little guilty about each other, so they were extra gentle. Not wanting the two of them to sleep soundly until early in the morning, the wife suddenly turned over and sat up, murmuring loudly in her sleep: "No, my husband is back!" Upon hearing this, the husband immediately got up, quickly picked up all the clothes, and jumped out of the window. ... Classic Weibo Quotes

Various versions of cheating jokes will make you laugh all at once

Comment: So, it’s not that one family doesn’t belong to the same family, you really It's a perfect match!

A very "expensive" affair joke

One night, a man walked into the bar and said to the bartender, "Please give me a beer." The bartender said, "Okay, one beer." , a penny." The customer didn't believe it and shouted: "A beer is a penny?" The bartender said, "Exactly, a penny!" The customer looked at the menu and said, "Can I have a big rib steak? , plus mushroom French fries and two fried eggs.” Bartender: “Of course, but it’s quite expensive.”

Guest: "How much does it cost?" "Bartender: "A total of *** four cents! "Guest: "Where is the owner of this bar? "Bartender: "Upstairs with my wife!" Guest: "What is he doing with your wife upstairs?" "Bartender: "Just like I did to his bar downstairs! ”

Comment: Treat others with their own medicine, who dares you to do such a wasteful thing!

A very “corrupt” affair joke

< p> A boss was driving on a business trip for several days. Unable to bear the loneliness, he went to a nightclub to find a beautiful girl. He spent a thousand dollars on a one-night affair. In order to avoid being interrogated by his wife, who was in charge of finance, he issued a maintenance receipt with the note: The weather was very hot and the tire burst. Replace it. A new one.

Comment: You have your strategy, and I have my own. The boss is just not ordinary!

A very "inexplicable" cheating joke.

< p> There is a seaside village. Most of the men in the village often go to sea for a long time. Almost all the women in the village have affairs, but after a while, they go to the priest to confess. “From now on, we will call the word affair a fall, just say [fall] and I will know! "Later, the old priest retired. Before he left, he specifically asked the village chief to tell the new priest the meaning of the word "fall." However, after the new priest took office, the village chief forgot to tell the new priest about this. The women still I also went to the priest for confession. Every day, someone told the priest that I had fallen because too many people had fallen. So the priest went to the village chief and suggested that the village chief strengthen road construction to prevent too many people from falling. Unexpectedly, the village chief burst out laughing after hearing this. The priest didn't know why, and seeing the village chief laughing so happily, he said angrily: "Why are you laughing! The village chief's wife has fallen three times this week! "

Comment: So don't get carried away when you say you are proud, new priest, you are too ignorant of the style!

A very "unforgettable" affair joke

A The undertaker worked late one day. His job was usually to conduct a detailed inspection of the dead body before it was sent for burial or incineration. When he was inspecting Mr. Wang's body, he was surprised to find that Mr. Wang's body was the same. The thing was the longest and largest thing he had ever seen. "Mr. Wang, I'm so sorry! I can't just send you to be cremated. That something so special of yours must be preserved for future generations. "So the coroner took a scalpel and cut off the thing, wrapped it and put it in a leather bag and took it home. The first one showed it to his wife: "Wife, let me show you something you will never believe!" "He opened his wallet and took out the thing. When his wife saw it, she yelled, "Oh my God! Mr. Wang is dead! "

Comment: How should my wife explain afterwards? Explanation is a cover-up, I can’t explain!

A very "tragic" cheating joke

Lao Zheng lies down Dying on the hospital bed, his wife Xiao Chan sat beside the bed, holding his hand with tears streaming down her face, muttering a prayer. Lao Zheng opened his weak eyes and looked at Xiao Chan, opened his pale lips and said softly: " Dear Xiaochan,..." Xiaochan covered his mouth: "You are tired! Go to sleep quietly, be good, and don't talk! "Old Zheng said weakly: "But, I have something that I must confess to you! "There's nothing left to express!" You're tired, you'd better sleep well! "Xiaochan said sobbing. "No! No! No! I must confess that I want to die peacefully. I once slept with your sister your best friend your best friend's friend. Xiaochan sobbed softly: "I know, that's why I want to poison you!" "

Comment: My wife's last words will definitely not let him die peacefully. He will not die peacefully. He must be depressed!

A very "troublesome" cheating joke< /p>

The two women drank in the suburbs until dawn. On the way back, they felt anxious and walked into a cemetery on the roadside because they didn't bring toilet paper. She took off her underwear, wiped it, and threw away the underwear. The second woman found a wreath next to her, so she took off the elegiac couplet and wiped it. Not long after the two women returned home, their husbands talked to each other on the phone.

"It seems we have to be careful. Something must have happened to them last night. I found that my wife was not wearing underwear when she came back!" "I was even more miserable. I found a note on my wife's butt that said: "I I will never forget you!"

Comment: It is probably difficult to explain this kind of thing clearly, who makes the "handle" so conclusive!

A very "unexpected" cheating joke< /p>

There was a middle-aged couple who had two very beautiful daughters, but they had always wanted to have a son. They finally decided to make a final attempt. After several months of hard work, Huangtian paid off. , the woman became pregnant and gave birth to a healthy little boy nine months later. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his newborn son, but was horrified by what he saw. It turned out to be the ugliest baby he had ever seen. He ran to see his wife and told her that he could never be the father of the baby, and asked his wife fiercely: "Are you stealing a man behind my back? His wife smiled at him sweetly and said, "Not this time." "

Comment: Fortunately, I have my own biological son. It would be a disaster if he didn't have it!

A very "coincidental" affair joke

Yes A woman secretly fooled around with her lover while her husband was at work. One day, when the two of them were in bed, the woman heard the sound of her husband's car coming back. She called her lover anxiously: "Hurry up, take your clothes and jump out of the window! Her lover took a look and said, "It's raining heavily outside and you want me to jump out?" "If my husband catches us two, we will definitely die." cried the woman. Her lover had no choice but to pick up his clothes and jump out of the window. As a result, he jumped into a group of marathon runners. He had to join in the running while holding up his clothes. One runner asked him: "Are you used to running naked? He gasped and replied: "Yes, this can reduce air resistance." Another runner asked the streaking man: "Are you accustomed to holding your clothes in your hands when you run?" He replied a little breathlessly: "Yes, this way, I can put on my clothes and drive home after the game." ”

Comment: Such a wise lover is indeed rare, that’s why he is so popular!

A very “warm” cheating joke

A woman is While lying on the bed and lingering with her lover, she suddenly heard the sound of her husband opening the door and entering the house, “Quick! Stand in that corner and don't move! The woman quickly rubbed baby oil all over his body, sprinkled it with lime powder, and told him softly, "Stand still, just pretend to be a plaster statue." "When her husband entered the room, he pointed to something in the corner: "What is that? The woman said calmly, "Oh!" Just a plaster statue. There was also one in the Cai family’s bedroom. I thought it was quite beautiful, so I also made one for home decoration. "The couple stopped talking about the plaster statue until they went to bed. At about two o'clock in the morning, the husband got up and went to the kitchen to eat. When he returned to the room, he held a sandwich and a glass of milk in his hand and handed it to the plaster statue. Like saying: “Here, have something to eat! Don't be like me who stood at Cai's house all day without even a sip of water. ”

Comment: Long live understanding, this husband should win the Most Responsible Cuckold Award!

The beautiful ending of Zhang Ailing’s 7 classic essays

Zhang Ailing’s 7 classic essays The beautiful ending

Zhang Ailing's Prose 1, "Genius Dream"

It's not that I can't appreciate part of the art of life. I know how to watch "Qiaoyun in July" and listen to the Scottish Soldiers. Blowing the bagpipe, enjoying the wicker chair in the breeze, eating saltwater peanuts, admiring the neon lights on the rainy night, reaching out from the double-decker bus to pick the green leaves on the top of the tree, I am full of life when there is no interaction between people. Joy. But I can't overcome this biting little worry for a day. Life is a gorgeous robe covered with fleas.

Zhang Ailing's Prose 2, "The Unforgettable Painting"

A small road flows like a silver stream; two small white trees have many yellow branches, each trembling as if it was dawn. There are two trees a little further away, one blue and one brown. The scribbling is like a Chinese painting, but there is no format. The people looking at the scenery seem to have come from afar, and the blue distant mountains are also unstable, because the sudden feeling is like when the rooster crows for the first time and the mat feels cold. A distant dream.

Zhang Ailing's Prose 3, "Talk about Painting"

Among the landscape paintings, my favorite is "Broken House", which is a white house under the noon sun, with a one-eyed The windows were dark; there was a big crack from the roof down, and the house seemed to be laughing, shaking and shaking, until it collapsed from laughter. The path leading to the house was no longer visible. There were high and low grass growing all around, which was very faint and blurry in the sunlight. The choking daylight reminds people of "the sound of the mother's road in Chang'an is dead, the sound is dead - the west wind is shining, the Han family mausoleum." However, there is no majestic past here, only the desolation of the middle class, and even more emptiness. emptiness.

Zhang Ailing's Prose 4, "Changing Clothes"

A child rushed over on a bicycle, showed off his skills, shouted, relaxed the armrest, swayed, and passed by lightly. At this moment, people all over the street were filled with unreasonable admiration. The cutest moment in life is when you let go, right?

Zhang Ailing's Prose 5, "Words about the Reprint of the Legend"

Yan Ying only made a draft. Shocked by the powerful and beautiful pattern, I willingly copied it one stroke at a time like tracing red. Life is like this too - it has its pattern, and we can only copy it. That's why there is this saying in the West: "Let life come to you." This kind of surrender is not like the unclear, cruel, embarrassing, and humiliating surrender of the characters in my novels, but it is still desolate in the end. .

Zhang Ailing's Prose 6, "Love"

Meet the person you meet among millions of people. In millions of years, in the boundless wilderness of time, there is no One step early, not one step late. If we happen to catch up, there is nothing else to say. I can only ask softly: "Oh, are you here too?"

Zhang Ailing's Prose 7, " "The Record of Embers"

The car of the times drives forward with a roar. As we sat in the car, we may have passed only a few familiar streets, but we were also frightened by the firelight that filled the sky. It's a pity that we are only busy looking for our own shadows in the fleeting shop windows - we only see our own faces, pale and small; our selfishness and emptiness, our shameless stupidity - everyone is just like us. , yet each of us is lonely. Modern version of classic love quotes

No one is worth your tears, because the person who truly loves you will not let you shed tears. ——Guo Jingming

If you don’t love me, please don’t say sorry when you leave. ——Guo Jingming

Among millions of people, meet the person you want to meet. In the endless wilderness of millions of years, there is no step early or one step late. When we meet, we can only say softly: "Are you here too?" —— Zhang Ailing

Disappointment is sometimes a kind of happiness. Because of expectations, there will be disappointment. Because of love, there will be expectations. So even if you are disappointed, it is also a kind of happiness, although this kind of happiness is a bit painful. ——Zhang Xiaoxian

If you want to be happy with a man, you should know more about him without loving him too much; if you want to be happy with a woman, you should love her more but don't try to understand her. ——Shakespeare

Feelings are sometimes just a matter of one person. It has nothing to do with anyone. Love, or not love, you can only end it on your own. ——Baby Annie

Love is a matter of life and death, and life is a matter of life and death. When these two things are combined, they can only be half-dead. ——Han Han

Love has always been a matter of thousands of turns. How can you know how to love someone who has never been abandoned or hurt? ——Zhang Xiaoxian