Ask for cold jokes, the more the better, the faster, thank you. Classic, preferably cold.

A China man suddenly had loose bowels while visiting Britain. He ran into the public toilet and finally solved it. He came out triumphantly humming a song, only to find a large group of people looking at him in surprise. Only then did he realize that he had entered the ladies' room in a panic. "What should I do? I can't make a fool of myself, but I can't embarrass China people. " He immediately put on a smile, bowed 90 degrees, shouted "Sayonara, bye bye bye ~ ~", and then swaggered away. The crowd behind frowned and muttered in disgust: "Oh, shit ~ ~ ~ Japanese! ! ! "

There are an American, a German, a Japanese and a China on a plane. Halfway through, the plane suddenly ran out of gas. The captain announced that someone had to jump off the plane to reduce the weight, so the American showed personal heroism and went to the door of the plane and shouted: Long live America and other countries! ! Then I jumped! The plane continued to fly ... at this moment, the captain announced that the weight was still too heavy, and one person had to jump! So the Germans stood up, walked to the door of the plane and shouted: Long live the German Empire! Jumped down, too The plane continued to fly ... At this moment, the captain announced: No, it's still heavy, and one more person must jump! China people glanced at the Japanese, stood up and walked to the hatch of the plane. The Japanese quickly came over and held China's hand tightly: "Good brother, I won't forget you! The people of China shouted: Long live the people and country of China! ! Then I kicked the Japanese down with one foot! !

There is a hide-and-seek club, and the person in charge hasn't been found yet.

There is a man who looks like an onion, crying as he walks.

On a hot afternoon, a match tickled, scratched and caught fire. So I went to the hospital to dress it and came out as a cotton swab.

Why don't you say hello to the rare steak? Because they don't know each other.

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he skinned it. As a result, the banana in the back fell down.

Once upon a time, a steamed stuffed bun walked on the road and felt hungry, so it ate itself. Once upon a time, there was a loaf of bread walking in the street. He felt hungry and ate himself. Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who went to play ball for a long time. He said, "I'm so tired. I feel that I am soft. "

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He passed a cornfield every day, but one day the cornfield caught fire and all the corn turned into popcorn! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was very cold.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside crying and flew away.

The fish said, "I kept my eyes open to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day and want to hug you." The pot said, "I'm so stubborn when I'm fucking ripe."

Xiao Bai looks like his brother. Do you know why? Because: it's really like Dabai.

A polar bear stayed alone in a daze on the ice, and when he was really bored, he began to pull out his own hair, one … three … and there was no last one left, and then he froze to death.

Draw a v on two fingers. What is this? Yeah! Hands are shaking, reach down. What is this? It's fallen leaves! Hold out four fingers. What is it? Fourth, bend four fingers. What is this? Wonderful! (bend four)

When the millionaire drove past a village in a luxury extended Lincoln car, he saw two beggars pulling weeds to eat. The millionaire stopped the car at once. "Why do you eat grass?" "We really have no money ..." A beggar replied. "Really, get in the car and go to my house." "I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar muttered. "Call them." The rich man pointed to another beggar. "And you, call home, too." "My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children. " Another beggar said. "Never mind, call them all and go!" In this way, two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately it was an extended bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even poor people like us to our home." The millionaire replied, "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected.". The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high and you can eat enough. "

Wolf, tiger and lion, who will be eliminated when playing games? Wolf because: Momotaro (eliminated the wolf).

Once upon a time, there was a lamb. One day, he went out to play and met a wolf. The wolf said, "I will eat you!" " "Guess what? As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by wolves. Wolves easily destroyed straw houses, wooden houses and brick houses. Three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but the wolf caught up with them. The three little pigs said in despair, it's up to you. We gave up. Whatever. At this time, the wolf grinned and drooled and said, "Then tell me where Little Red Riding Hood is?"

Stones fight with rice cakes, and when they get angry, they kick them into the sea.

Later, a couple decided privately for life, but the man wanted to go abroad for military service. Before he left, he gave her a ring and agreed to meet her here with it three years later. Three years later, the woman didn't find the man and threw the ring into the sea in grief. Actually, the woman remembered the wrong place. When the man came back and couldn't find a woman, he went fishing by the sea dejectedly. Suddenly he grabbed something. Guess what this is?

It's rice cake.

Later, he finally caught a fish and bit something hard while eating. What do you think it is?

It's fish bones.

Once upon a time, a man fished and caught a squid. Squid begged him: Let me go! The man said, well, let me test you a few questions. Squid said happily, take the exam! Then people roast squid.

The diver's movements are difficult. He turned three times, then somersaulted forward for three and a half times, and then somersaulted backward for a month.

Reasons for not wanting to be a teacher:

The best student

When I first went to class, I liked smoking to go to school. Smoking, in particular, will attract the attention of many students. A few days later, when I entered the school, several students admired me: "Brother, you have a big temper! How dare you smoke into school? What's your name? We will follow you in the future! " I replied, "I'll call the teacher!" " "I was depressed for 20 minutes when they broke up!

A better student

I smoked outside the office that day and had a good time. Suddenly, the cigarette was taken away. "What class are you in? You are so brave! Actually smoking in front of the office! " I was so depressed that I took out two cigarettes "Come, teacher! Don't tell the principal! "

The teacher was dumbfounded! Several other teachers fell under the table laughing.

Best undercover

On the first day of class, I went early, so I went to the classroom first to get to know the students. Those students were very active when I came to the classroom. Maybe I didn't speak, they all regarded me as a failed student (am I that image? ), they are all here to please me and hope I can protect them in the future. Even an unlucky student took out a cigarette for me. The bell finally rang. I took out my textbook, went to the podium and said, "class is over!" " "The following students look cold.

Revenge of a gentleman

One day, I was smoking while walking. Suddenly a man ran over and grabbed my cigarette: "What class are you in?" How arrogant! "A look, is a security guard. I was angry at that time: "which student do you think has so much courage?" "I am a teacher!" The security guard is depressed. "So-and-so teacher asked me to come and catch it!" On hearing the name, isn't this my former class teacher? Sure enough, he laughed not far away. I walked over and he said with a smile, "I didn't catch you smoking in high school for three years, but now I finally caught you!" " "

Examiner: What education?

Candidate: I didn't graduate from primary school.

Examiner: Have you ever been in a fight?

Candidate: This is the usual practice.

Examiner: Do you have a criminal record?

Candidate: Just came out.

Examiner: What about physical fitness?

Candidate: Not bad. You can kick over the peddler's tricycle with one foot.

Examiner: Dare to take other people's things?

Examinee: This is my strong point, just like taking my own things.

Examiner: Does the old man dare to fight?

Candidate: Cai Xiao, my father crippled me.

Examiner: You passed the exam. What our urban management needs is talents like you!

Examiner: One more question. What if something happens?

Candidate: Just say it's a temporary worker.

Examiner: Work tonight.

One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided because of the crowd.

The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?"

Confused, the man replied, "Do you have any medicine?"

The people in the car snickered!

The woman felt very angry and replied, "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly, "Can it be cured?"

The whole car is hilarious!

The bus driver stopped to lie on the steering wheel and laugh!

Second:

The bus was very crowded, and a woman stood at the door.

A GG pushed from the back of the car to get off and said to the woman, "Sorry, get off."

The woman didn't move.

GG stepped on her when she pushed over.

As a result, the woman was too powerful and kept scolding: "You are crazy! You're crazy! ~ ~ ",loud enough for the whole car to watch.

GG hasn't spoken. When he got off the bus, he couldn't bear it. He turned to the woman and said, "Repeater!"

There are some funny children in the back who have been playing the scene just now.

A said, "You are crazy! ............................... "B" said, "You repeat the machine, and you .............................................."

The whole car burst into laughter ~!

Later, a little MM also got off the bus, squeezed past and said timidly, "I ~ I ~ I want to go down, I'm not crazy ~!" "

The whole car laughed again ~!

The woman didn't speak, and a word came from the side: "Are you out of power?"

The whole car is laughing ~!

Confucius said; Hit with bricks, don't play around! Press the head! Whether you die or not!

Buddha said; Bullshit! I am kind! Stop playing! A brick is dead! ! !

On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but 1 yuan. Sitting from the starting point to the finish line, I feel very calm all the way. But when I got off at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "An adult goes out without anything, and it's no shame to lose it." - "

On Tuesday, I took a broken wallet with 1 cent in it. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. - "

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet, which contained counterfeit money of 100. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in my wallet: "It is illegal to hide large face value * *, please consciously turn it over to the relevant departments. - "

On Thursday, I took an envelope containing a stack of overdue Straits Got Talent. When I arrived at the terminal, I found the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and read it. The newspaper was replaced by the latest straits talent newspaper. 1 Remarks: "Now is the consulting era. Only by updating information in time can we seize the opportunity and win success! - "

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the mobile phone was still there, and there was an extra note: "Please don't make such jokes, which will affect the normal work of our company. - "

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it in my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was gone and a note was stuffed in my pants: "I hate you robbers most, you have no technical content at all!" " Confiscate the tools of crime! - "

On Sunday, I was about to get on the bus, and there were too many people to squeeze in. When waiting for the next bus, I felt in my pocket and found that there was an extra 20 yuan, and there was a note: "Brother, our business is not easy this day. This is 20 yuan. You can take a taxi to where you want to go, please don't mess with us. "

One day, there were too many people on the bus, which was hot and stuffy. I don't know who farted, which made the environment worse. My friend can't stand it, and I don't know who it is. I can't help it It happened that the conductor was asking, "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had a plan and said loudly, "Fart didn't buy a ticket!" " Suddenly, a particularly fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly, "I have bought the ticket!"

7. A sculpture was completed in the new building of a university: a girl held a book in her left hand and a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. Publicly soliciting names from off-campus students, many people's slogans coincide-reading is a bird's best!

Bicycles in school are lost seriously, and the new ones disappear in the blink of an eye, but sometimes with luck, the lost bicycles will reappear every few days. One day, my roommate Xiao Jing bought a new transmission car. She showed off to everyone and said, "I locked this car with the latest lock!" " The next day, Xiao Jing came back from self-study at night and looked depressed. He still holds a piece of paper in his hand, which reads: Don't be the owner here, I borrowed the car, and I'll pay you back in a few days!

A few days later, the thief really returned the car. Xiao Jing is very happy, but she is worried that the car will be "borrowed" again. He bought ten big locks, locked the car tightly, and put a note on the thief: See how you "borrow"! When Xiao Jing went downstairs the next morning, she found five more locks on the car, and there was a note on the lock: See how you ride!

There are three tadpoles. They go to a restaurant for dinner ... wait a little longer. The first course is fried frogs. ..

Three tadpoles sang in unison: I don't want to grow up. ...

One day, Cao Cao arrested Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them: each of you should go to the orchard and choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei took out an apple. Cao Cao said, if they can put the fruit in their ass, let them go. Zhang Fei tried for a while without success and was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes and Cao Cao said the same thing to him. Guan Yu started stuffing things ... when he stuffed the third one, Guan Yu suddenly smiled, and as a result, he smashed the grapes and was killed. After going to the underworld, the prince asked Guan Yu, "You are so stupid, why are you laughing?" "If you don't laugh, you won't die," Guan Yu said with a sigh. I don't want to! Jealous beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu coming out with a durian ... "

Yesterday, I went to eat KFC. The man behind me looks like a couple. They ordered a lot of food and sat next to me. After sitting down, the girls began to eat hard, as if they were hungry for several days, while the boys chewed French fries one by one, as if they had something on their mind.

Suddenly, the boy put down the French fries, leaned down and asked seriously, "Qingqing, can I chase you?" "

Without looking up, the girl said directly, "No!"

The boy asked again, "Is it completely impossible?"

The girl simply said, "Not at all!"

The boy froze, looked straight at her and stayed there …

At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a hamburger in the other. She thought that the boy was watching her, so she stopped eating, then looked at the boy with poor eyes and whispered, "So ... can I still eat?" "

Everyone around me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy was helpless and said, "Eat, eat ..."

This MM is so cute ... if I don't let it go, I must chase it ... desperately! ! ! !

I've been fidgeting at school. I taught myself for the first time when I was a freshman. I was so depressed sitting in the classroom that I immediately ran to the aisle to smoke.

Not long after I lit a cigarette, a girl from PL came over and asked me, "I'm studying by myself now! How did you get out? "

I said, I'm bored by smoking, MM Which class are you in? How also ran out.

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, that class!

At that time, I was so excited to say, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed?

She said: well, a freshman in our class ran out from self-study and I came out to find him.

I smiled, it seems that someone still can't sit still. What do you want from him? You're not his mother!

MM: I can't help it I'm his head teacher!

I was cheated then ...

A minute later, I choked up and said, Teacher, you look so young …

Dad is a worker in a glass factory and has the habit of working with gloves.

One night shift, he took a taxi home. When the car passed a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze blew. Dad felt a little cold, so he took the glove strap out of his pocket. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously, "Brother, what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing, I'm used to it. I always wear gloves when I work, so I won't cut myself and leave any marks ... "

A middle-aged man went to a local private hotel on business.

When eating the night before, the middle-aged man saw several stains on the edge of the dish, which made him uneasy.

He asked the hotel owner, "This dish looks dirty." The boss replied, "Don't worry, mineral water will make it clean."

Hearing this answer, middle-aged people began to eat with peace of mind.

A week passed, middle-aged people ate in the hotel every day, and met a big dog in the hotel.

When leaving, the middle-aged man stepped out of the gate, and the dog reluctantly caught up with him, clinging to him and not letting him leave.

Seeing this, the hotel owner went up to the dog and patted it on the head. He said softly, "Let the guests go, mineral water."

The hunter hunted and saw two birds in the tree. He shot down one with a gun and found it hairless. While he was wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter, damn it, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes and you shot her down. . .

A parrot hangs in front of a restaurant. When a guest arrives, he says, "Hello, welcome!" A regular customer thought, I'll go in quickly and see how you react. One day he ran in and the parrot said, "Damn it! You scared me! ! !

A child in the delivery room smiled after birth, and the midwife was very surprised. When she gathered around to observe, she found that the child's fist was clenched. After breaking it, she found that it was an abortion pill. She only heard the child say: He *! Do you want to kill me? It's not that easy! !

After the performance, the leader took the stage to hold the beautiful Mongolian actress's hand and asked her name. The actress said excitedly: Maragabi (damn a B)

Stand higher and see farther; Clear water means no fish, while lowly people are invincible! Go your own way and let others take a taxi. Wear other people's shoes and let others find out.

What does depression mean? Just hit more than 30 people, hugged a handful of hemp, stole a wallet, and my wife ran away with someone. I still smell sour porridge at home. As soon as my eyes turned, the ambulance went to the hospital and fell into the ditch!

Moon cakes fall in love with steamed bread and pursue it desperately. Steamed bread swears to death. The moon cake is sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed bread: My mother said that your stomach is full of huahuachangzi.

One day, the hen was flying on the roof, and the owner said angrily, "Come down, or I will kill all the cocks here and make your life worse than death." The hen smiled and said, "Finally, we can find the duck."

An American, a Frenchman and an China were walking in the desert when they saw a bottle. After opening the cork, a man came out. The man said, "I am a fairy, and I can grant each of you three wishes!" " Americans first said, "My first wish is to ask for a lot of money." The fairy said, "it's very simple, it satisfies you!" Tell me about the second wish. " The American said, "I want a lot of money!" " After the fairy fulfilled his wish, the American said his third wish: "Take me home. The fairy said, "No problem." "So Americans came back to America with a lot of money. The fairy asked the Frenchman again. The Frenchman said, "I want beautiful women! ""The fairy gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman said, "I want more beautiful women!" " The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman. The Frenchman finally said, "Send me back to France. After the fairy sent the French back to China, she asked the China people what they wanted. China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is. China people said, "Another bottle of Erguotou! The fairy asked him what his third wish was. China said, "I miss China and Americans very much. Please bring them all back. "France and the United States are very popular, but they are helpless. The three of them have to keep going. Walking, I saw another bottle. When I opened the plug, another man came out. The man said, "I am the younger brother of that fairy just now, and my magic is not as strong as his, so I can only satisfy two wishes of each of you." "The French and Americans think it is better to let China speak first, so as not to be brought back by him later. So China people said, "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The fairy realized his wish. The French and Americans urged China people to express their second wish as soon as possible. After drinking Erguotou, China people slowly said to the immortal, "It's all right, it's all right, go away. "

An American, a Japanese and an China are exploring the jungle. As a result, they were all arrested by cannibal tribes. But the tribal leader said, "I'm in a good mood today. I won't eat you, but you all have to get a hundred boards, but you can have a wish come true before you get a board." "Americans are the first to get the board. He said, "Before hitting the board, put 1 mat on my ass. "Mat, boards rained down; In the past, 70 boards were ok. After the 70-board back cushion was smashed and there was blood on the board ... America always left. When the Japanese saw this, they asked for a 10 mattress. After 1, 2, 3 ... 100, the Japanese got up and patted their ass, nothing happened; Then he boasted about his imitation ability and re-creation ability with a smelly mouth, and wanted to sit in a Chinese drama. China people get down slowly and say slowly, "Come, give me a Japanese mat. "…