Classic funny humorous phrases

1. Look up at the sky so that tears will not fall. Keep your head as high as possible so that your nose will not flow.

2. If you don’t want me to marry you, then let me marry you.

3. Leave while I still care about you. Don’t tell you to get lost when I don’t care anymore.

4. Money is not the problem, the problem is lack of money.

5. You can only flatter me. Only I can touch your ass.

6. In fact, I am not taller than you, I just have to look down at you.

7. I like to stare at the sky in a daze, thinking about the beauty of RMB.

8. Cuihua, let me tell you, I haven’t been the boss for many years.

9. I didn’t hear what you said because the sound travels a bit slowly.

10. I have no money. Really, my family only opens a small restaurant - Diaoyutai.

11. Don’t speak English in front of Chinese people in the future, okay?

12. Put away your so hypocritical smile, it makes me want to vomit.

13. Secretly stole your descendants and paired them with my Chang'e

14. Oh my god, I just discovered today that AD calcium milk tastes better than baby dolls. !

15. I have the urge to rob the Wangzai milk transport truck.

16. I have been imitating others, but when I look back, I find that I have surpassed everyone.

17. Meeting strangers is actually very troublesome, and many lies have to be told again.

18. I curse you. When you eat instant noodles, there are no instant noodles, only seasoning packets.

19. There will be flash floods after heavy rain, and a man’s heart will harden after crying.

20. Whether the cat can walk in a straight line depends on whether there is a mouse or not.

21. Slowly pour my surging milk into your dense forest.

22. No matter what age it is, there is no sense of gangsterism at all.

23. Said: Don’t dump me. I dumped you on a certain day of a certain month and year.

24. Why do you look like a kid?

25. The bell of the doctor is: study, study.

26. It is precisely because of my low profile that I achieve your high profile.

27. I really want to carry you in my trouser pocket and take you wherever I go.

28. Did Chang'e have an affair tonight? I can't see the moon.

29. I want to have a house facing the sea, with spring flowers blooming, 4M broadband, the ability to order takeaways, direct express delivery, and no mortgage payments! I have a friend who reviews novels and talks about celebrities. I don’t have to worry about mortgage payments, I can go shopping for groceries, I can drink tea, and I can still fall in love!

30. I still can’t figure out why Tang Seng is always afraid that the monster will capture him and cook him. He can eat a piece of his own meat first, and then he won't be afraid of anyone eating him! Classic humorous and funny mood phrases

In the end, I couldn't beat that BMW. I could only watch it fly away in the sunset. It wasn't that my engine was bad, but that my car chain fell off. .

I was also an infatuated person, but it rained... and I drowned.

The happiest thing: sleeping until you wake up naturally, counting money until your hands cramp. The saddest thing: sleeping until your hands cramp, counting money until you wake up naturally

Fate is responsible for shuffling the cards, but it is ourselves who play the cards.

When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror; when we are old, the mirror is even.

I ordered two dishes in the canteen at noon, and I ate the first one. Shocked: Is there any more unpalatable dish in the world than this? I cried after eating the second one: It really does exist!

I stayed in bed in the morning, so I took out 6 coins from my pocket: If all six were heads, I would go to class. After hesitating for a long time, I decided to forget it, don’t take this risk

Don’t talk about your ideals with me, quit!

On September 28, 1949, I was arrested. On the first day, the enemy tortured me severely, but I couldn't do anything. The next day, the enemy sprayed me with pepper spray, but I still couldn't do it.

On the third day, the enemy used a honey trap, and I pulled it off. On the fourth day, I still wanted to recruit, but tmd was liberated!

In junior high school, a boy wanted to copy a girl’s homework. He was afraid that she would not agree, so he went through her schoolbag after she left the classroom, and found a sanitary napkin. Surprised, he said: "Wow! What a big Band-Aid.

A certain leader went to the countryside for a census and asked an old farmer: Do you know why close relatives cannot get married? The old farmer smiled honestly and replied: Ha

Hehe, hehe, the relationship is too familiar to start with.

A sculpture was built in a new building of a university: a girl holds a book in her left hand and holds a dove in her right hand, which symbolizes peace.

Outside the school, we publicly solicited names from students. As a result, many people’s slogans coincided with each other - reading is useless.

A brother suffered from constipation and could not sit in the toilet for a long time. Then, while he was working hard, he saw a buddy rush into the toilet and entered the seat next to him. As soon as he entered, there was a really violent storm. The brother looked at the buddy with envy.

Said: Brother, I envy you so much.

Then the brother said: Why do you envy me? I haven’t taken off my pants yet~~

That day I looked at you crazily. Your sexy body, naked and twisting in front of me, gently touching your skin, I can't resist your temptation: Boss, I want this fish

Lei Feng did good deeds without leaving his name. But everything is recorded in the diary

Although the famous flower has an owner, I will loosen the soil!

The fool stole the beggar's wallet, and the blind man saw it, and the mute yelled! A sound startled the deaf man, the hunchback stepped forward, the lame man kicked up, the wanted criminal wanted to take him to the police station, Mazi said, forget it for my sake

Look, people There are always so many things in the world that make you sad: joys and sorrows, premature ejaculation. . .

The 5-year-old daughter asked her father to do something for her. I'm tired. Praise me a few times. If you praise me a few words, I'll feel energetic again. "Daughter: "Old Zheng! Dad: "Hey!" "Daughter: "Your girl is so beautiful...

The lady's beard is so graceful, she must be a lady!

.I really don’t want to look down on you with my toes. But bro, you made me do this.

I’m so beautiful, I can’t die

Even if heaven doesn’t entrust me with a big responsibility, it will still torture my mind and my muscles

I firmly believe that there will be a Men came to this world to be tortured by me

Journey to the West tells us: All monsters with a backing were picked up, and all monsters without a backing were beaten to death with a stick

What are you unhappy about? Say it to make everyone happy.

When life maliciously turned everything into black humor, I followed the trend and turned myself into a highly educated gangster.

Psychological test:

Look down if you think you have a high IQ

Look down if you think you are quite humorous

Think I look down at someone who is quite attractive

I look down at someone who thinks I am quite handsome

Test results:

Quite shameless

Two cows are eating grass. One of them said, "There is an epidemic of mad cow disease recently. We won't be infected, right?" The other said, "No, we are kangaroos." Already crazy!

A man was about to jump off a building, and his wife shouted: My dear, don’t be impulsive, we still have a long way to go! After hearing this, the man jumped down. The policeman said: You really shouldn’t threaten him like this!

The prisoner was executed. Due to the poor quality of the bullets, the first shot did not go off, and then the second shot was fired. . . The third shot. . .

At this time, the prisoner cried, hugged the bailiff's thigh and said: Brother, strangle me to death! It’s so fucking scary

A character read "The White-Haired Girl" in junior high school

A boy (Yang Bailao): He pulled two pounds of red hair rope and tied it up for my Xier... < /p>

Teacher: It’s not like mummies...

In the physics class, the teacher talked about radioactive elements and said: Radioactive elements are very dangerous, and you humans must stay away from them! !

While shopping, a friend suddenly exclaimed: "Wow! 'Virgin Bookstore'!" I was shocked. When I looked up, I saw a plaque with four big characters written on it

- Foreign Languages ??Bookstore -__-!

I heard from my classmates,

One time, a girl in their dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.

She said to her boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want three delicacies or spicy food?

Then the classmate was stunned for a moment and said: Let’s have three fresh dishes, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stand the spicy food. . .

I never hold grudges, and I usually avenge them on the spot

If you choose to look up at others at 45°, don’t blame others for looking down at you at 135°

In the workplace, I should be like Conan, with a domineering attitude that will cause others to die wherever I go

You are scolding me now because you don’t understand me yet, wait until you understand me later If you kill me, you will definitely beat me.

After watching The Legend of the Condor Heroes, I learned that age is not a problem;

After watching Brokeback Mountain, I learned that gender is not a problem;

After watching King Kong, I realized that species is not a problem either;

Only when I think about the relationship between people and ghosts can I really understand... Life or death is not a problem. Classic humorous and funny phrases

Classic humorous and funny phrases

I am relatively forgetful, So my wife often tells me not to use an umbrella when I go out to do errands when it rains, so I already have ten umbrellas at home

Except for one, the other columns are filled in very well, and the relationship column is You should fill in mother-in-law, not nervousness.

Dad hit me twice today. The first time was because he saw the two-point report card in my hand, and the second time was because the report card was from his childhood.

Tragedy is like me accidentally cutting off my little finger; comedy is like you accidentally falling into the sewer.

When arguing, the difference between a man and a woman is like the difference between a rifle and a machine gun.

Next, I will publish Mr. Smith’s will. Before publishing the will, I would like to ask sincerely, Mrs. Smith, are you willing to accept my proposal

Don’t scold yourself The children are little bastards, because from a genetic point of view, this is not good for the parents.

Honey, I shouldn’t use bed sheets to shine my shoes, but I just came back from a business trip and I can’t change it for a while. I was wrong.

In order to improve product safety, we decided to print on the cap of the Coke bottle: Please open this end; on the bottom of the bottle, we decided to print: Please open the other end.

Reporter: According to a recent public opinion survey, the public’s interest in current affairs at home and abroad is very low. Mr. Congressman, what do you think about this? Congressman: No opinion, I don’t care

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Mary, if you don't agree to marry me, I will commit suicide immediately. This is my usual approach.

This would be really funny if it didn't happen to me.

Do you want to have a good set of teeth? Here are three tips for you: 1. Rinse your mouth after meals and brush your teeth in the morning and evening; 2. Go to the hospital to check your teeth every two years; 3. Mind your own business .

Hair is gone and dandruff is better

We always think that the brain is the most important organ of the human body, but don’t forget who made this judgment

We should remain silent when listening to sermons in church. It is rude to disturb others' sleep.

These are not rags! They are antiques I collected! Of course, if you don’t like it, you can throw it away

Artificial intelligence and natural stupidity cannot be compared" because we advocate pure nature< /p>

If a person can smile freely in the face of criticism from everyone, then he has probably found a scapegoat

Yesterday I signed up for a weight loss training class and they asked me to wear loose clothes during training Clothes, why is this so? If there are loose clothes, then why would I sign up?

If idiots can fly, then my company is a machine

All men are created equal. Except for those who are getting married.

Can we find a place to have a drink and make friends? Or, let me just give you my wallet.

I think, as long as I have a little more time With some humility, I'm a perfect person.

If you need consultation or advice, we will provide it for free; if you need the right answer, please pay extra.

< p> In the past, when the alarm clock went off, I often had the habit of hitting it and going back to sleep, but since I put three mousetraps next to the alarm clock, my problem has been eradicated.

If Beethoven is the father of symphony, does that mean Beethoven's father is the father of symphony?

I have done a lot of stupid things, but I don't care. My friends call it confidence. < /p>

The Blind Association sincerely advises you: Never drink and drive.

I think I should lose weight. When I donated blood last time, I actually leaked 100 milliliters of lard.

Experimented with two worms. The one in the whiskey died, proving that worms don’t grow in the stomach when drinking whiskey.

My creativity is indescribable. The ability is indescribable, and my writing ability is indescribable.

If Bill Gates could get a dollar for every time the computer restarts, he would pay it off.

Ten years later, the court sentenced the murderer to death for the second time.

I pretended to work for my boss, and my boss pretended to pay me.

My wife and I have not spoken for 18 months. I have no chance to interrupt her.

Have you ever heard the story about the big pig saying yes and the little pig saying no?

I never watch TV, I just check it often. Check whether the TV program in the newspaper is misprinted.

Your eyes are like the bright moon in the sky, one is on the first day of the lunar month and the other is on the 15th day of the lunar month.

Why are you so ignorant? Huh? My uncle is here, how could you even think of going to the zoo to see bears?

My eyesight is very poor. For example, can you see the thumbtack on the wall over there? You can see it, right? I Invisible.

Every day I set a new world record for the number of days I have lived in the world.

In the Internet world, your girlfriend may be a man and your boyfriend may be a woman, which is painful, but you have to accept it.

Your shooting performance is really bad. If I were you, I would kill myself immediately, just in case you want to bring more bullets.

If you want to compete with a tiger to see who can starve more, you will definitely win.

I put the TV remote control on my waist and pretended to have bought a new mobile phone.

Just having money does not make people happy, so I also stole some jewelry, stamps, watches, etc.

Life is really boring. Last month, one of my buddies told me I borrowed 4,000 yuan and said I was going to have plastic surgery, but now I have no idea what he looks like

Note to robbers: Our bank staff only understand Spanish, please be careful when robberies Be patient and bring a translator with you, thank you

Are you blind? You can’t see such a big shield, but you want to throw rocks at my head. Classic humorous and funny mood phrases

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There are two types of people in nightclubs - pick-up guys and girls.

When my mother jiaoyu me, all talk but no action is a pustule. No matter how good his words are, his hands can't work and his feet can't walk. Such a man is not reliable.

He talks beautifully but acts like a coward.

Mu Tiezhu in language and Wu Dalang in action will not only achieve nothing at work, but will also achieve nothing in life.

Sometimes love is a kind of harm. Cruel people choose to hurt others, and kind people choose to hurt themselves.

The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is the most difficult to establish. To get a wife is to have the "mother" in your family to welcome your other "bride". My wife also has a name called bride. Do you want to marry a new mother? Can there be no conflict with your old mother?

Since you are so opposed to second marriage, then for Yp How do you feel about bigamy with someone else in the game?

Falling in love with someone is equivalent to giving that person the power to hurt you.

Sometimes it’s not that the other person doesn’t care about you, but that you think the other person is too weak.

This girl, first of all, there is a generation gap between us, and secondly, you have no cleavage. How can we communicate?

Promise is a reassurance that men give to women. The properties of the medicine need to be verified, but taking it gives peace of mind.

Sometimes it’s not that the other person doesn’t care about you, but that you think the other person is too weak.

Love makes people warm. The word "warm" can be broken down into a day and a love. A little more love every day can make our days warm.

A capable and responsible man should say this to his wife: Your money is yours, and my money is ours!

Don’t treat your daughter-in-law as your biological daughter, and don’t treat your mother-in-law as your biological mother; keep a bowl of soup at a distance, and be a measured mother-in-law and a measured daughter-in-law; then you will both be happy!

If you can't change each other, don't be obsessed with each other and just treat each other as a legend.

The best cure for a broken love is to start a new one.

When there is no light in the east, there is light in the west. When it is dark, there is north in the south.

A cup of turbid wine can lead to a home thousands of miles away, the mountains and rivers are broken and the wind is blowing with catkins. Today’s things are done by taking righteousness into benevolence, but it’s raining at night in Bashan.

Are there any training classes for the Seventy-Two Changes? If it really doesn't work, I can do the thirty-six transformations. With the skills of an old pig, he is also very satisfied.

Hungry is just one word, and I have to say it N times, unless you express it with a bowl of tomatoes and braised noodles.

If there is such a thing as plum time, apple time, cookie time, etc. in the workplace, then I guess it won’t be long before we have to set up a weight-loss time for our female compatriots...

I am compassionate, You cannot take away my freedom in marriage.

If the business is not done well, no matter how beautiful the words are, they are worthless; if you have done practical things for the people, once you speak, they are worth a thousand dollars.

When someone presses you with a stone, if you can hold your head up, that is resistance.

Sometimes love is a kind of harm. Cruel people choose to hurt others, and kind people choose to hurt themselves.

Zhang Fei pierced the eye of a needle, don’t look at me as stupid, big and thick, I made it for you to see.

I feel very sorry for my second brother. Because of his birth order, he has been carrying the heavy burden of "two" since he was a child.

You don’t understand what I am doing because you are still too ignorant.

Brother looks so abstract and there is still spring, what are you afraid of?

How can talented men like us be handsome?

When Cupid shoots the arrow of Cupid at you, you have love and arrows; when you return love to Cupid, you are left with nothing but bitch

When you fall in love with someone, Maggie Cheung, Brooke Shields, etc. should be the idler Sister Ma and the royal sister-in-law Li Xiulian, and your girlfriend should be your ultimate aesthetic, the small universe in your heart, the eternal goddess Athena.

The real scandals are all in the mouths of ordinary people!

The path you choose is even if you kneel down, you have to walk on it

Eat less! Play more football! Walking to get off work! Miss you girl! The more you think, the more you lose, the more you think about, the more you lose weight! --The secret to losing weight

The south wind kisses your face gently, the stars are faint, the moon is misty, oh, you are so heavy tonight.

If I were not afraid of death, I would really commit suicide!

This girl, first of all, there is a generation gap between us, and secondly, you have no cleavage. How can we communicate?

A capable and responsible man should say this to his wife: Your money is yours, and my money is ours

Don’t treat your daughter-in-law as your own. Daughters, don’t treat your mother-in-law as your biological mother; keep a bowl of soup at a distance and be a measured mother-in-law and a measured daughter-in-law; then you will both be happy!

The mother will spend 5 years teaching her son to put his clothes on. After getting married, his wife will take 5 seconds to ask him to take off all his clothes.

Love makes people warm. The word "warm" can be broken down into a day and a love. A little more love every day can make our days warm.

Since you are so opposed to second marriage, what do you think about him having bigamy with someone else in the game?

Brother and the world are very pornographic and violent. You cannot be stupid or naive.

Girl, you not only understand the world, but you also understand globalization! But girl, you must not dominate!