Looking for hilarious jokes

Hilarious:

1 An old man went to buy tomatoes and picked three. The stall owner weighed them and said: One and a half pounds, three dollars and seven. The uncle said: "Just make soup, you don't need so much." After that, he removed the biggest tomatoes. The stall owner quickly took another look at the scale and said, "Two liang per catty, three yuan. Just when I couldn't see it anymore and wanted to remind the uncle to pay attention to the scale, the uncle calmly took out seven cents and picked up the big one he had just removed. tomatoes, turned around and walked away

2 A little mouse on the cliff waved its short front paws and jumped down again and again, trying to learn to fly. The female bat next to it watched it fall and break its head. Liu said worriedly: Dad, if you don’t tell it, it is not our biological child!

3 "Journey to the West": It is difficult to become a Buddha if you are born in a bad family. , It is difficult to get married. "Water Margin": It is difficult to be an official if one has a bad background.

4 I am very careful, and whenever I want to be an official, it is difficult. When my wife and I quarrel, we always let the children go for a walk. Now my children are all in good health!

5 A woman had her right index finger clipped while riding in a car. She wants to sue the car company. The lawyer said to her: "I'm afraid I can't claim that much on one finger. "The woman roared: "That finger of mine is used to command my husband. ”

6 A farmer’s daughter was too ugly to get married! The farmer had to let her go to the cornfield to be a scarecrow to scare the crows. But when she got there, she really scared away the crows! A few days later, the crow brought back the corn he had stolen!

7 Now the song is contradictory. For example: My dear, fly slowly, be careful of the thorny rose in front of you! Fly up to the thorn) My family lives on the Songhua River (either on the left side of the river or on the right side, those who live above are the bastards) I will send you away, thousands of miles away (why don't you go get the scriptures! )

8 There is a PLMM in my department, and I wanted to take her for an experiment. I made an appointment to do the experiment after get off work, and I suddenly received a text message from my mm when I was about to get off work. Do you want to do it? I looked confused and asked: What are you doing? Come on, everyone is in a hurry. Then he laughed wildly.

9 The cow saw a cow grazing on the roadside while running, and said eagerly to the cow: "Run quickly, the expert is here." " Cow: " What are you afraid of when experts come? Aren't experts just humans? "Bull: "Now the expert is bragging." The cow was shocked when she heard this and ran away. While running, she asked the bull: "Expert is bragging. B, you are a bull, what are you afraid of?" "The bull said: "You really don't know. In addition to bragging, today's experts are also talking nonsense...

10 One day, the pig said to the bear: "How many pieces of candy do you think I have in my pocket?" "The bear said: "You guessed it right, you give it to me?" The pig nodded affirmatively: "Yes, I will give you two pieces!" The bear swallowed and said, "I guess there are five pieces." p>

Leng:

1 Xiaobai looks very much like his brother, do you know why? Because: It really looks like Dabai.

2 A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze. When he was bored, he started to pull out his own hair. One... two... three... and finally there was no hair left. He suddenly Screaming...it's so cold! ! ………………

3 There was a man who looked like an onion and cried as he walked.

4 On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt very hot. He said, "It's so hot. I need to take off my clothes." As a result, he peeled off the It was peeled off. As a result, the banana behind fell down.

5 There is a hide-and-seek club, and their leader has not been found yet.

6 Make a V with two fingers , what is it? Yes~~ Stretch down with shaking hands, what is it? It’s a fallen leaf! Hahaha, I laughed to death

7 Stretch out four fingers, what is it? FOUR, bend four fingers, what is it? WONDERFUL~!

8 Once upon a time, there was a loaf of bread walking on the street. He felt hungry, so he ate himself.

Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who went to play ball for a long time. He said: "I am so tired. I feel like my whole body has softened.

Ancient times:

1 The Emperor: Aunt Rong, why are you trying to make things difficult for Xiao Yanzi and Ziwei! What are your intentions, this despicable servant! Aunt Rong knelt on the ground and said with tears: Your Majesty, you only remember Xia Yuhe and the boat on the Daming Lake. Aunt Rong, do you still remember?

2 Lu Su in the straw boat: "Can I really borrow arrows like this?" Mr. Kong Ming? "Zhuge Liang: "Believe me. "Lu Su: "But I'm still a little worried..." Zhuge Liang: "No need." Lu Su: "But don't you think it's getting hotter and hotter in the boat?" Zhuge Liang: "It's a bit awkward to say so... Is there something wrong?" " Lu Su: "Yeah, I'm worried that the enemy is shooting rockets..." Zhuge Liang: "Hey! ? Zijing, can you swim? I won't..."

3 Soldiers: "Thirsty...thirst..." Cao Cao: "Everyone, hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember that there is a plum forest nearby. I might be there if I walk for a while." Soldiers: "Oh! There are plums to eat! oh! "Half an hour later - Cao Ren: "Lord! The expedition found plenty of water! "Cao Cao: "Hahahaha, did you hear it? Finally there is water to drink! " All the soldiers: "If you don't go... you must find Meizi..."

4 Diao Chan: "..." Dong Zhuo: "..." Lu Bu: "I just want to hear your true words. The two of us Which one do you love more! ? Diao Chan: "..." Dong Zhuo: "..." Lu Bu: "Answer me!" " Dong Zhuo: "It's really hard to decide...I like both of them..." Lu Bu: "Scum! ! "——According to research, the first BL love murder case in Chinese history occurred in the late Eastern Han Dynasty...

On the 5th, Zorro went to his mistress's house for a tryst. The mistress asked Zorro: "What if he were my husband? I'm back, what should I do? Zorro said: "It's okay. If your husband comes back, I will jump out of the window and my horse will pick me up below." "The mistress said: If you hear three knocks on the door, it means that my husband is back. Zorro said: I know. After a while, it started to rain. Suddenly there were three knocks on the door: "Dong, Dong, Dong". It was too late, but soon, Zorro jumped from the bed and jumped out of the window in a blink of an eye. Seeing that Zorro had left, the mistress went to open the door and saw a horse standing in front of the door, saying to her. You tell Zorro that it's raining outside and I'll wait for him in the corridor. ”

6 There was a housewife who was favored by her master. When her companions asked her privately about her condition, she replied: “The noble appearance is really different.” "When asked why, he replied: "The egg bags are all soft and silky.

7 When the Yeyou God saw the Door God standing in the night, he took pity on him and asked him, "You are a grown-up, how can you be a guest, wait on me in the morning and evening, and endure such hardships?" "The door god said: "Out of helplessness. He said, "But is there anything to eat?" Answer: "When he wants to eat, he doesn't want me to come to his door." "

8 There was a man who was proud of his chess skills and lost three games in a row. The next day, someone asked him: "How many games did you play yesterday? The answer was: "Three rounds." He asked again: "What is the outcome?" He said, "I didn't win the first game, he didn't lose the second game, and I wanted to draw in the third game, but he just refused." "

9 The official ordered the Taoist priest to pray for rain, but it did not rain for a long time. He blamed his body for being unclean and blasphemous to the gods. He was detained in the alley and imprisoned in the prison so that he could not touch it. It lasted for several days. , the jailer reported: "The old Taoist prays for rain, and the young Taoist prays for sunshine, how can it rain?" "When the officer asked why, the jailer said: "He thought in prison: 'I hope it never rains, so that we don't have to suffer in pain every night. '"

SMS message:

1 I don't want much, just a glass of water, a piece of bread, and the words "I love you"; if it's more luxurious, I hope: the water is poured by you yourself, You cut the bread with your own hands, and you said I love you personally...

2 Once upon a time, Apple and Pear were good friends, but then Apple moved, so the two of them We agreed to come back to this place ten years later, but ten years later, Apple returned to this place, but after a long time, the pear still didn't appear. Apple waited and waited, and finally turned into plasma.

3 "On the wedding day, he disliked me for not being a virgin and refused to get married. Is he still a man? We have been in love for more than a year. Because we work in two places, we spend less time together and more time apart. But we can talk very well. I decided to get married in January this year, but after finding out that I was not a virgin, she actually refused to marry me. I wonder if there are really so many men who are virgins now? Is it still that important? "The rapist replied: Who pollutes who? In governance, whoever handles it is responsible. . .

4 If a good cook wants to make a pot of delicious dumplings, of course he can do it. The problem is, when the chief secretary told him that the dumplings needed to reflect the spirit of the kitchen, the manager told him that the dumplings needed to reflect the style of the hotel, the street director told him that the dumplings needed to reflect the characteristics of the street, and the district chief told him that the dumplings needed to reflect the district's planning The tragedy happened when the mayor told him that the dumplings needed to reflect the development of the city.

5. 1. Red Mansions: Most of them are women; Water Margin: Most of them are men; Journey to the West: Most of them are not human beings; Three Kingdoms: Most of them are human beings. 2. Red Mansion: the girl is thick-skinned; Water Margin: the court is thick-skinned; Three Kingdoms: the military advisor is thick-skinned; Journey to the West: the gods are thick-skinned. 3. Journey to the West: Brother Monkey, save me; Red Mansion: Sister, save me; Water Margin: Uncle, save me; Three Kingdoms: Military Advisor, save me.

6 Lolita falls in the hands of the uncle, the uncle falls in the hands of the royal sister, the royal sister falls in the hands of the shot, the shot falls in the hands of the queen, the queen depends on her mood, not necessarily where she falls, in short , even the women in Transformers have a side that is like a bird. . .