Tell me a joke

Hehe~~~

I also copied someone else’s land~~~

A certain gentleman graduated from the Philosophy Department of Fuzhou University and could not find a job after graduation. , has been unemployed at home. One day, a college classmate introduced him to work at Muzha Zoo, and he happily went. It turns out that a tiger in the zoo was temporarily ill and sent to the hospital, so he was asked to wear a tiger skin for a while. He thought that no one would know it was him anyway, so he agreed. After putting on the tiger skin and entering the animal cage, he walked around pretending to be a tiger. Not long after, the animal cage opened, and another tiger came in. He was so frightened that he kept retreating to the corner; and that The tiger kept approaching him...

...When it finally retreated to the point of no return, the tiger spoke...

"Don't be afraid, brother! I am from the Philosophy Department of National Taiwan University!"

Succinct and concise words

My middle school classmate is famous for his concise and concise words. One day there was a group meeting in the class, which was unbearably long.

Finally, everyone was asked for their opinion. When he was asked, he replied: "I want to urinate.". ?

Couplets

The Chinese teacher explained the couplets on the stage, giving an example: "A certain newspaper once publicly solicited "Nantong

zhou north, Tongzhou, north, south, Tongzhou, Tongnan, Nantong. "There were a lot of letters submitted, and one sentence was very good, which was "Pawn shops in the east and things in pawn shops in the west pawn things in pawn shops." At this time, a naughty student

Suddenly shouted: "Male students, female students, male students, male students."

Poly detector

Dad had a lie detector, and he asked Dehua: "How was your math score today?" What?"

Dehua replied: "A" the lie detector is ringing!

Dehua said again: "B" the machine is also ringing!

Dehua changed his words: "C" and the machine rang again!

Dad shouted angrily: "I have always gotten A before!"

At this time, the test The lie machine has overturned!

Check

An invigilator is staring at a student throwing dice in confusion. The strange thing is...

The student threw the same question several times...

I asked the student why?

The student replied helplessly: Is it so difficult that I don’t need to check it?

Professor

"I brought a frog today," the zoology professor said to the students, "just caught it from

the pond. This lesson We're going to dissect the frog."

He took out a cardboard box and opened it carefully. Inside the box was a ham sandwich.

"Strange," the professor was very surprised, "I clearly remembered to have lunch.

Lying talk

One night, a boy's dormitory had a sleeping talk. It lasted until three o'clock in the morning, and suddenly I wanted to discuss a question: "When you meet a beautiful girl, what should you say first?" A certain gentleman woke up from his dream and said: "Stop talking, let's go to sleep!" "

Cheating

" Polonius was expelled for cheating. ”

”What’s going on? ”

”During the physical hygiene examination, he counted his ribs and was discovered. ”

Tsinghua Teacher

A young teacher from Tsinghua University loved mahjong. Once, he played all night long and he had class at 7:40 the next morning.

, he got off the mahjong table at 7:30 and rushed to the fourth teacher's class. It happened that the student on duty had not wiped the blackboard that day.

His senior student shouted: "Which one is playing banker?" The student on duty did not dare to answer. He had to wipe it by himself, but

The blackboard eraser could not be found, so he shouted again: "Where is the whiteboard?"...

This section It was a Chinese class. When teaching new words, the teacher picked up the chalk and wrote "China" on the blackboard.

Then he said: "Students, please look at the whiteboard. There is a red center on it. "

Taste

The Chinese teacher found Zhang San sleeping in class and was very angry, so he woke up Zhang San and asked: Why did you sleep in class.

But, Zhang San San refused to admit sleeping.

Zhang San: I didn’t sleep.

Teacher: Then why do you close your eyes?

Zhang San: Teacher, I am reading the text silently.

The teacher didn’t believe it and said: Then why are you nodding your head?

Zhang San: Teacher, you gave a good lecture.

The teacher still didn’t believe it and said: Then why are you drooling?

Zhang San: Teacher, your class is very interesting.

Do a good deed a day

The teacher asked the two students: "Have you done a good deed a day today?"

The two students answered in unison: " Yes!"

The teacher asked: "What did you do?"

Student: "We helped an old lady cross the road."

Teacher: "Well, that's great, but why do we need two people to help an old lady cross the road?"

Student: "Because the old lady didn't want to cross the road."

I see

During the annual school trip, the boys and girls in junior high school always play separately because of their different interests. Girls walk around in swimming suits, showing themselves off and enjoying the sun. The boy rolled up his pants and caught

small fish in the water.

A teacher in charge of these children lamented: "I don't remember girls being so

mature when I was in junior high school."

"Of course Yes, it's just that you were busy catching small fish!" Another teacher said calmly.

During class, a classmate was reading comics.

The teacher found out and asked: What are you doing?

"I'm looking for something."

"Looking for what?"

"Looking, looking for..."

My neighbor The classmate replied: Make excuses.

History teacher: Why did you leave early?

Bali: I have an important date.

History teacher: Which is more important, history or girlfriend?

Bali: If I'm late again, she will become history! ! !

History teacher: @##$%%^

Surface tension

Two biochemists were sitting in front of the laboratory drinking coffee, and there was a beautiful A woman walks by outside.

The more mature and cautious biochemist saw the look of dementia on his colleague's face,

and said: She is just like us, more than 75% is water.

The colleague still looked stupid and said: Yes, but look at their surface tension!

Team coach

This is what my professor told us. He used to teach in the United States. Some of the team’s students had never gone to school, but they had never gone to university.

< p>After graduation, you can enter the professional basketball team and play in the NBA. After retirement, you often return to your alma mater to coach the team.

There is a student (let’s call him Jordan) who is about to graduate, but he can’t pass calculus, so he can’t graduate and play NBA!

A! So he asked his coach, who was also the coach of the school team, to help intercede.

Coach: "Professor, please let Jordan pass. The NBA has been waiting for him for a long time!"

Professor: "Okay! Since the coaches have come to help and beg for mercy, let's Give you one last chance."

"What is one plus one?"

Jordan immediately answered without thinking: "Two"

Coach: "Professor, Please give him another chance!"

Remember to brush your teeth! !

In a biological experiment one day, I observed my own saliva cells, looked at them with a microscope and recorded them... While everyone was observing and studying happily, there was a scream... Ah~ It turned out to be the message from the beautiful teaching assistant... The professor thought something had happened

so he ran over to take a closer look at her microscope. He told her: next time you finish your work, remember to brush your teeth

and rinse your mouth! !

Sex Education

One day. Xiao Ming returned home after class very sadly.

My mother asked Xiao Ming: What happened?

Xiao Ming replied: Everyone in Xiaohua in the class knows where he comes from.

But I don’t even know

My mother thought that it would be a good time to tell Xiao Ming about things between men and women, and to provide correct sex education

My mother began to tell Xiao Ming: Boys fall in love with each other. girl. Then get married... also mentioned how the sperm meets the egg

Mom told Xiao Ming everything she knew.

When the mother completes the teaching to her satisfaction.

Xiao Ming is still confused. Look at mom. With a few tears dripping from the corners of his eyes, he said:

Xiaohua said he was from Yilan. But my mother gave me a lot of advice and I still don’t know where I came from.

In class, a teacher was introducing Japanese surname habits to students.

She said: "If there is a Japanese name with the word 'Taro' in it, then he He must be the eldest son. If there is the word 'Jiro' in his name, then he must be the second son... Now, who can name a Japanese with such a name?"

A student stood up and answered loudly: Yamamoto Isoroku

The teacher was giving a lecture above, when a little boy raised his hand and said: "Teacher, I want shit." < /p>

The teacher listened to the instruction and said to the student: "You can use another more civilized way to say it."

The student thought for a while and said: "Teacher, I want to vomit in my butt."

A student asked the teacher how to write the word "dung". The teacher forgot for a while and had to say:

"It's right next to your mouth, why can't it come out?"

p>

My younger brother, who is in the fourth grade of elementary school, is really fat and everyone often makes fun of him.

One day, the teacher asked a class of their classmates to start writing down "things they do for the family every day" in the contact book.

The younger brother couldn't think of anything, so in the end he had to let his mother do it for him. fill in. She wrote in the contact book: "I help the family eat every day."

The teacher's comment was: "I can see that you work hard!"

A man’s thoughts

Miller, a top student majoring in agriculture at a certain university, returned to his hometown during the summer vacation. A neighbor’s wife wanted to raise chickens to get rich, so she came to ask him for advice. According to the wife, Miller

< p>The chicken coop, chicken food and other data provided told her that it would be more suitable to raise about 30 hens and one or two roosters. At the end of the summer vacation, Miller wanted to go see how his "imagination" was implemented. But he was stunned in front of the chicken coop. In addition to 30 hens, there are also 30 big roosters. "Mother, if you want to raise 30 hens, one or two roosters are enough. If there are too many roosters, they won't be able to lay eggs, and it will be a waste of food." "You mean, let one or two roosters suffice?" >

One rooster occupies so many hens?" said the neighbor's wife with a blushing face. "Yes." "This is just what you men think, I won't do it!"

Graduation Ceremony

At the graduation ceremony, the principal announced that the top student in the grade would come to the stage to receive the award. , but after shouting several times in a row, the student slowly walked onto the stage. Later, the teacher asked the student: "What's wrong? Are you sick? Or did you not hear clearly?" The student replied: "No, I was afraid that other students did not hear clearly." < /p>

What is courage...

During the mid-term exam of the philosophy department of a university, they taught an application question about what courage is. A student wrote "This is it" on the exam paper and handed it in. ． ． The result was an a...

Theory of Relativity

One day when Xiao Ming ran into the classroom, he stood up again, and then left the classroom again, which happened to... The teacher turned around

When he saw Xiao Ming’s back...the teacher started to curse... Said... People nowadays are less and less aware of the benefits of reading...

...The teacher continued... Well…he doesn’t take my class…. I pawned him... The teacher asked the monitor: What was the name of the student just now? The monitor said…. He is from the next class... I just went to the wrong classroom...

Joke in the dormitory

I have a classmate who never buys toilet paper himself. Whenever he needs it, he goes to others to get it.

Once he was taking toilet paper from me and I saw him. I said to him angrily: Why do you keep taking my toilet paper? Don’t you know how to buy it yourself? Hey

hey Yile, said: Don’t be so stingy! Isn’t it just some toilet paper? I’ll just give it back to you after I use it!

Reaction

One day, Joe walked into the classroom, all his hair standing tall and straight, and the teacher asked what was going on.

Qiao said: This is a reaction from the hairspray.

On the second day, Qiao walked into the classroom, his head shining brightly, and the teacher asked about it.

Jo said: This was my dad’s reaction to hairspray.

___

Tsinghua Military Training

Recently, Tsinghua University dug holes everywhere because of laying cables.

One day, a classmate from another school came to play and saw pits everywhere.

Later, when he saw rows of classmates wearing military uniforms training, he couldn’t help but sigh loudly: Tsinghua’s military training is the real way Yeah, so many trenches were dug.

Globe

The director visited a certain school and saw a globe in the classroom, so he asked Student A: "Tell me why this globe is tilted

Twenty-three and a half degrees?" Student A was very frightened and replied: "I didn't do it." At this time, another student B walked into the classroom. The director asked again, and Student B replied: "You know, I just came in and I don't know anything."

The director asked the teacher puzzledly what was going on. The teacher said apologetically, "You can't blame them. The globe was already like this when you bought it." Seeing that the director's face was getting more and more ugly, the principal quickly stepped forward and explained, "I'm ashamed to say that.

Shame," the principal said with a smile: "Because the school's funds are limited, we bought goods from street vendors."

The teacher asked Xiaoqiang: "Who burned the Yuanmingyuan? ?" Xiaoqiang said aggrievedly, "Teacher, no, it wasn't me."

"What? You, you," the teacher said angrily. After school, Xiaoqiang's father came, and the teacher said to him: "Today I asked your son who burned Yuan Mingyuan, and he actually said he didn't burn it. Isn't this ridiculous?" Xiaoqiang's father blinked and said hesitantly: "Teacher, it's really... It's not him. Burning, our children will not do this.

Otherwise..., Let's... compensate, okay?

Tsinghua's masters

Tsinghua deserves to be the home of academic science and technology. The masters of the cafeteria have been influenced by the sun and the moon, so we need to look at it with admiration.

p>

It is said that one day a man from the south was queuing up to buy Xiaolong Baozi.

He said to the master: Here are four Baozi.

< p>Master: How many?

This man: si?

Master: How many?

The man suddenly said, " Ten, of course

The master replied: "I see!" Then he quickly forked ten buns for the man, and added: "I told you no earlier." So laborious! "

Everyone was stunned...

As soon as Xiao Ming got home today, he said to his parents: "Only I can answer a question asked by the teacher at school today." < /p>

Parents Yu Yourong asked, "What's the problem?" "The teacher asked: Who didn't turn in their homework?"

___

Teacher Ask the students: How to explain that "sharing pain with others will reduce the pain by half"?

Xiao Lun replied: If my father beats me, I will beat my brother immediately!

___

Professor: xxx, please shake the guy next to you awake. This is class, not sleeping time

Student: Professor, please Come and shake him up, you made him fall asleep

___

At the beginning of every semester, there is always an advertisement for sale of used textbooks on the notice board. One of them read: "'Introduction to Mind Science'. Fifty dollars. Never used." Next to the signature was written: "Must sell."

No. The next day, a note was added to the advertisement: "The price is fair. But have you really never used it?" The signature was "Possible Buyer."

Under the confession, in different handwriting, it was written: "I can guarantee it!" The signer was "the professor who reviewed his

exam paper."

Self-admiration

When I was a freshman, a good-looking roommate liked to look in the mirror and feel pity for himself. Even when the big exam was approaching, he still couldn't bear to look in the mirror.

The room manager was worried about her homework and tried to persuade her, but she sighed and said, "Isn't beauty a mistake?"

"Don't worry," the usually taciturn room manager suddenly said, "You have never I have made this mistake before."

Three school girls were talking about a man who came to school to ask for marriage.

A (junior undergraduate): How tall is he and is he handsome?

B (Master’s student): What kind of job does he do and what is his monthly salary?

C (doctoral candidate): Where is he! ! !

(Purely fictitious, please don’t mind)

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Welcome

At the beginning of the new semester, we senior students went to the station to welcome New classmates.

I saw a little girl standing next to a big box and was at a loss, so I took the initiative to help her lift the box. Unexpectedly, the box weighed more than

1,000 kilograms, and I was too embarrassed to put it down, so I had to try my best to support it.

After only a few steps, the girl said to me: If you can’t carry it anymore, just get out.

As soon as I heard this, I immediately felt angry, put down the box, and glared at her.

The girl was stunned for a few seconds, then pointed to the bottom of the box with a blushing face and said to me: I mean the wheels.

Interpretation

A university professor said to his students: "In ancient times, 'Lu' means kissing, mouth to mouth, very vivid;" one of them

The student asked: "If 'LV' means kissing, then how does 'Pin' Yu explain that three people kissed together?"

The professor was about to get angry. , another classmate stood up and said: "I think the word 'pin' is easy to explain, but what about 'qi'yu? What's the point of four people

and a dog?" The whole class burst into laughter, and the professor threw it Go away with the book.

___

The boy can be taught

Teacher: "What is your name and why are you making trouble?"

Student: "My name is Wang Xiaodai."

Teacher: "You must be polite when speaking to the teacher, you must use the title 'Sir', you know?"

Student: "Yes, my name is Wang Xiao. Mr. Dumb."

I'll trample you to death...

A domestically renowned botany professor and his teaching assistant were studying new varieties of plants. Suddenly the assistant asked the professor: "Teacher

p>

What should you do if you encounter an unknown plant while taking a practical class in the field? The professor replied: In order to avoid classmates asking questions, I usually walk at the front, and then trample all the plants I don’t know to death.

One day in the physics and chemistry class, the teacher announced that there would be a quiz in the next class. Xiao Ming nervously raised his hand and asked the teacher if the test would be difficult. The teacher only said: "It's very simple."

I was so happy that everyone clapped and applauded, but

After the exam, everyone did miserably. How could it be easy? So Xiao Ming asked the teacher again,

The teacher said: I am not wrong, it is very simple, the remaining 90% is very difficult!

There is a professor who tells some jokes to cheer up the students every time he teaches in order not to make the students feel bored

, but

< p>The girls thought that the professors were telling dirty jokes, and they thought it was unacceptable

They felt that professors should have the dignity of professors, so they discussed together

What if the professor next time If you say anything else, stand up and walk out of the classroom immediately

Unfortunately, when the boy found out about it, he ran to tell the professor

The professor then said it doesn't matter and I will settle it. , and then

one time in class, the professor started talking again!! He said: I heard that there is a shortage of prostitutes in Paris recently!! When the girls heard it, they started to throw each other around.

With a wink, they wanted to say that the professor was telling dirty jokes again and were about to

implement their plan. Just as they stood up and were about to walk out

In the classroom, the professor said: Well! These female classmates, don’t be in such a hurry! The flight to Paris will only leave tomorrow!!