It’s so boring. Tell me some jokes.

Old and modern jokes

1 Examiner: What academic qualifications?

Candidate: Didn’t graduate from elementary school.

Examiner: Have you ever had a fight?

Candidate: It’s commonplace.

Examiner: Do you have a criminal record?

Candidate: Just came out.

Examiner: What about physical fitness?

Candidate: It’s okay. You can knock over the vendor’s tricycle with one kick.

Examiner: Do you dare to take other people’s things?

Candidate: This is my strength, just like taking my own things.

Examiner: Do you dare to hit me?

Candidate: Xiaocai, my father made me disabled.

Examiner: You passed the exam. What our urban management department needs is talents like you!

Examiner: One more question, what should I do if something goes wrong?

Candidate: Just say I am a temporary worker.

Examiner: I will go to work tonight

2. One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided due to crowding. .

The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?"

The man felt confused and replied, "Do you have any medicine?"

Car The Master snickered!

The woman felt angry and replied: "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly: "Can you cure it?"

The whole car People are laughing!

The bus driver stopped and leaned on the steering wheel laughing!

Two things:

The bus was overcrowded and there was a woman standing at the door.

A GG squeezed in from behind the car and wanted to get out of the car. He said to the woman: "Give way and get out of the car."

The woman did not move.

GG stepped on her when he squeezed past.

The woman turned out to be very powerful. She kept scolding: "You are crazy! You are crazy!" She was so loud that the whole car was watching.

GG remained silent. When he got off the car, he couldn't bear it any longer. He turned around and said to the woman, "You're the repeater!"

There were a few funny children behind, who kept talking. Act out the scene just now,

A said: "You are crazy, you!..." B said: "You are a repeater, you..."

Everyone in the car Laughing loudly~!

Later, a little girl also wanted to get out of the car. She squeezed past and said timidly: "I~I~I want to go on, I am not crazy~!"

Everyone in the car Laughing again~!

The woman did not speak, but a word floated from the side: "Are you out of battery?"

The whole car burst into laughter~!

3. Confucius said: Use bricks to shout when fighting, it will not lead to chaos! Take a photo! Never die again!

Buddha said; nonsense! My Buddha is compassionate! Don't play too much! A brick is almost dead! ! !

On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but the 1 yuan for the ride. Sitting from the starting station to the final station, I felt peaceful all the way. But when I got off the bus at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "Isn't it a shame for an adult to go out without taking anything with him? -- "

On Tuesday, I carried a broken wallet , containing 1 cent. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. --"

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet. There were 100 counterfeit bills inside. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "It is illegal to hide large-denomination money privately. Please go to the relevant department and hand it in. --"

Thursday , I took an envelope with a stack of expired Straits Talent Newspaper in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and took a look. The newspaper had been replaced by the latest Straits Talent News. I took a note with me: "This is the era of consultation. Only by updating information in a timely manner can we seize opportunities and win success." ! -- "

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. After arriving at the terminal, the phone was still there, and there was an additional note: “Please don’t make this joke and affect the normal work of our company.

-- "

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it on my waist. When I arrived at the terminal, I found that the gun was missing and a note was stuffed in my waistband: "I hate you guys who rob the most. There is no technical content at all! Confiscated crime tools! -- "

On Sunday, I was about to get on the bus, but there were too many people and I couldn't squeeze in. When I was waiting for the next bus, I touched my pocket and found an extra 20 yuan and a piece of paper. Article: "Brother, it's not easy for us to be exposed to the sun all day long in our line of work. I'd like to pay you 20 yuan. You can take a taxi wherever you want to go. Please don't tease us anymore"

6 One day, there were too many people on the bus. It was very hot and stuffy. I don’t know who farted. This made the environment worse. My friend couldn’t stand it, and he didn’t know who it was. There was nothing he could do. The conductor is asking: “Who didn’t buy a ticket? "My friend suddenly had an idea and said loudly: "The one who farted didn't buy a ticket! "Suddenly, a very fat woman held the ticket high in her hand and said loudly: "I have already bought the ticket! "

On July 7, a sculpture was completed in a new building of a university: a girl holding a book in her left hand and a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. The school publicly solicited names from students outside the school, and many people's The slogans coincide with each other - reading is useless!

9. The situation of losing bicycles in school is very serious. New cars disappear in the blink of an eye, but sometimes you are lucky and the lost bicycles will appear again every few days. Come. One day, Xiao Jing, a roommate in my dormitory, bought a new transmission car. She showed off to everyone: "I have the latest lock on this car!" "The next day, Xiaojing returned from her evening self-study with a depressed look. She also held a piece of paper in her hand, which said: Don't think there are no experts here. I borrowed the car and will return it to you in a few days. !

A few days later, the thief actually returned the car. Xiaojing was very happy, but she was worried that the car would be "borrowed" again, so she bought ten large locks and locked the car. The car was locked securely, and a note was posted to the thief: See how you can "borrow" it! When Xiaojing went downstairs the next morning, she found that there were five more locks on the car, and there was a piece of paper on the lock. Article: Let’s see how you ride!

10, there were three tadpoles. They went to a restaurant to eat... After waiting for a while, the first dish was served... fried frog...

The three tadpoles sang in unison: I don’t want to, I don’t want to, don’t want to grow up...

One day, on November 11, Cao Cao captured Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei. They said, each of you go to the orchard and choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei brought out an apple. Cao Cao said that if they could stuff the fruit they brought into their butts, he would let them go. Zhang Fei tried. After a while, he failed and was killed. After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes. Cao Cao also said the same thing to him, and Guan Yu began to stuff... When he stuffed the third grape, Guan Yu came out. He suddenly burst into laughter and crushed the grapes, and was killed again. After going down to the underworld, the King of Hell asked Guan Yu: "You are so stupid, why are you laughing?" If you don't laugh, you won't die." Guan Yu sighed and said, "I don't want to either! God is jealous of beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu walking out with a durian in his arms..."

12. Yesterday, I went to eat at KFC, and the person in line behind me looked like a couple. They ordered a lot of food and sat down next to me. After sitting down, the girl started eating as if she had been hungry for days, while the boy was nibbling French fries one by one. What's on your mind?

Suddenly, the boy put down the fries, moved forward, and asked seriously: "Qingqing, can I chase you?"

The girl said directly without raising her head. : "No!"

The boy asked again: "Isn't it possible at all?"

The girl simply said: "It's not possible at all!"

The boy was stunned, looking straight at her and staying there...

At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a burger in the other. She felt that the boy was looking at her, so she stopped eating, and then He looked at the boy with pitiful eyes and whispered: "Then...can I still eat it?"

Everyone next to me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy was helpless and hurriedly said : "Eat, eat..."

This girl is so cute...If I don't let you chase me, I will chase her...I'll chase her with my life! ! ! !

13. I have always been restless in school. When I was a freshman, I went to self-study for the first time. I would sit in the classroom and feel depressed, and then I would go to the corridor to smoke.

Not long after I lit my cigarette, a PL girl came and asked, "We are studying in self-study now! Why did you run out?"

I said, I came out to smoke out of boredom. ,MM which class are you in? He ran out anyway.

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, that class!

I was very excited and said, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed too?

She said: Well, a new student in our class ran out during self-study, and I came out to look for him.

I smiled, but it seems that he still can’t sit still. Why are you looking for him? You are not his mother!

MM: There is no way, I am his class teacher!

I was confused at the time...

A minute later, I held back a sentence: Teacher, you look so young...

14 Dad works in a glass factory Workers have the habit of wearing gloves when working.

One day after the night shift, he took a taxi home. As the car passed through a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze came. Dad felt a little cold, so he took out his gloves from his pocket and put them on. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously: "Brother, what are you doing?"

"Oh, it's nothing, I'm used to it. , I have to wear gloves every time I work, so that I will not cut myself or leave traces..."

15 A middle-aged man went to a local private store on a business trip. hostel.

While dining the first night, the middle-aged man saw a few stains on the edge of the dish and was very worried.

He asked the hotel owner: "This dish doesn't look clean." The boss replied: "Don't worry, the mineral water will make it very clean."

Hearing With such an answer, the middle-aged man started eating with great peace of mind.

A week passed. The middle-aged man ate in the hotel every day and became familiar with a big dog in the hotel.

When the middle-aged man stepped out of the door, the dog reluctantly caught up with him and clung to him to prevent him from leaving.

The hotel owner saw it, walked up and patted the dog on the head, and said softly: "Let the guest go, mineral water."

16 Hunter hunting, looking at the tree There were two birds. I raised my gun and shot down one. I found that it was a hairless one. I was wondering when the other bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn it, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes and you shot her down. . . .

17 A certain hotel keeps a parrot hanging at the door. When a guest arrives, he says: "Hello, welcome!" A regular guest thought: I'll come in quickly and see how you react. One day he "sneered" and After running in, the parrot said: "His grandma's! It scared me!!!"

18 A child in the delivery room laughed loudly after being born. The delivery nurse was very strange. They gathered around and observed that the child had tight fists. Hold it, and after breaking it open, it is found that it is an abortion pill. The child only hears the child say: He *! Want to kill me? Not that easy! !

19 At the end of the performance, the leader came on stage and took the hand of the beautiful Mongolian actress and asked her her name. The actress said excitedly: Malegebi

20 Stand higher and see farther; if the water is clear, there will be no fish, and if the people are humble, they will be invincible! Go your own way and let someone else take a taxi.

Wear someone else's shoes and let someone else find them.

21 What is depression? I was beaten three times on one, I was hugged by someone, my wallet was stolen, my wife ran away with someone, the only porridge left at home was sour after smelling it, my eyes rolled up, I went to the hospital for treatment. The car fell into a ditch!

22 Mooncake fell in love with Mantou and pursued her desperately, but Mantou refused to obey. Mooncake is sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed Bun: My mother said, your stomach is full of intestines.

23 One day the hen flew up to the roof, and the owner angrily said, "Come down, if you don't come down I will kill all the roosters here, and your life will be worse than death." The hen laughed and said, "Finally You can go find ducks."

24 An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese were walking in the desert. As they walked, they saw a bottle, and after opening the cork, a man floated out. Come, the man said: "I am a god, and I can grant each of you three wishes!" The American was the first to say, "My first wish is for a lot of money." The god said: "This is simple. , fulfill you! Tell me about the second wish. "The American said: "I want a lot of money!" After the fairy fulfilled his wish, the American said his third wish: "Bring me back. "Home." The fairy said, "No problem." So the Americans returned to the United States with a lot of money. The fairy asked the Frenchman again. The Frenchman said, "I want a beautiful woman!" The fairy gave him the beautiful woman. The Frenchman said again: "I also want a beautiful woman!" The fairy also satisfied him and gave him a beautiful woman. The French finally said: "Send me back to France." After the fairy sent the French back to China, he asked the Chinese what they wanted. The Chinese said: "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The god gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is. The Chinese said: "Another bottle of Erguotou!" The god asked him what his third wish was. The Chinese said: "I miss the French and Americans very much. Please bring them back." The French and Americans were extremely popular, but they had no choice but to continue walking. While walking, I saw another bottle. After opening the stopper, another person appeared. The person said: "I am the younger brother of the fairy just now. My magic power is not as strong as his, so I can only grant two wishes for each of you." France The people and the Americans agreed that it would be better to let the Chinese speak first, lest they come back later. So the Chinese said: "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The god fulfilled his wish. The French and Americans urged the Chinese to express their second wish quickly. After drinking Erguotou, the Chinese said to the gods calmly: "Okay, it's okay, you can go." An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese were exploring in the jungle. As a result, they were all captured by the cannibal tribe. But the tribal chief said: "I am in a good mood today and I will not eat you, but you will all have to suffer a hundred blows, but before you get a blow, you can have a wish come true." The Americans were the first to suffer the blow. He said: "Before I hit the board, put a cushion on my butt." After putting it on, the boards fell like raindrops. At first, 70 boards were okay, but after 70 boards, the cushion was smashed, and then the boards were bloody... After the beating... , the United States walked away touching its butt. After seeing this, the Japanese asked for 10 mattresses. After 1, 2, 3...100 beatings, the Japanese stood up, patted their butts, and said they were fine; then they boasted about their ability to imitate and recreate, and wanted to sit back and watch the Chinese show. The Chinese man slowly lay down and said leisurely: "Here, put the Japanese on my bed."...

One day, a farmer went to the city to seek medical treatment. When he saw the doctor, he promised: "Doctor, I have a stomachache." "It hurts." When the doctor saw a farmer, he said angrily: "Go, get your urine, feces, and blood tested." Shaoqing, who returned from farming, said to the doctor with a gloomy face: "Doctor, I swallowed the blood, I also swallowed the urine, that's the feces." . . . I can't swallow anything I say - -#'

1? The child asked his mother: "How to make a sentence using ABCDEFG?" Mom: "A! This B child is from C's family? Standing barefoot on D On top, EF is not worn either, and the little GG is still exposed.

"

2? The four results of breast enlargement: 1. Very different. 2. Not the same. 3. The same, not big. 4. Not the same big.

An elephant asked the camel: "Your mimi Why does it grow on the back? The camel said: "Stay away, I won't talk to the things on my face!" "The snake laughed wildly after listening to the conversation between the elephant and the camel. The elephant turned to the snake and said: "Laughter! You have a face with a jiji, you are not qualified! "

The driver sent the leader to attend a cultural party. The leader entered the venue. The driver was stopped by the security guard. The driver said that the leader and I were in the same system. The security guard said: "JB and Dan are also in the same system. JB went in." , can the egg go in? ”

An adult man came to a hotel. He saw many beautiful cars in the garage, so he asked the boss why there were so many beautiful cars. The boss told him, I have a five-year-old man. As a 3-year-old son, he does three things. If you can do it, you can choose one of the cars here and drive away. If you can't, just keep your car. Many people can't do it, so... he thought , what a five-year-old child can do, but he can’t do it, so he gave it a try. The boss took him to a room where there was a beautiful naked beauty. The child went over and kissed her, and he followed suit. Then the child went over and touched the beauty's whole body, and he followed suit. The third thing was that the child took out the little didi and bent it three times...