How to learn to be more humorous

Students, please remember to bring your brain next time and don’t bring your own

It is said that beauty and wisdom can only be obtained once you see them, and you realize that this is unscientific. It turns out that it is unscientific. You can ask for neither

You must never make a wish to God because he will cry when he sees you

When your friend introduces you to something new, you can ask: Is it edible? ?

You didn’t listen to what I said, you didn’t understand what you heard, you understood but didn’t do it, you did it but you did it wrong, you didn’t admit it when you were wrong, you didn’t admit it when you acknowledged it, you didn’t accept it when you changed it, and you didn’t say anything if you didn’t accept it.

After I said that my female colleague’s fingers were thin, long and beautiful, she said, “Really?”, what should I say to be humorous?

I have encountered this problem before. At that time, I told a female friend of mine that she was beautiful. He opened his eyes wide and asked me: Really?

I asked him directly: Isn’t it? At that time, people around me were laughing from ear to ear.

A female colleague asked me who is more beautiful, her or her sister. What can I say humorously? You can say, "Whoever wants to be my wife is beautiful!~"

Noon I bought two dishes in the school cafeteria. When I ate the first one, I was shocked: Is there any more unpalatable dish in the world than this? ! When I ate the second one, I was so moved that I cried: It turns out there really is one!

A Hollywood director planned to give his mother a birthday gift. He heard that there was a bird that could speak 12 languages ??and sing 10 famous songs. He immediately decided to buy the bird. He gave it to his mother, for which he spent $50,000. On the second day of his birthday, he called his mother: "What do you think of this little bird, Mom?" His mother's answer was "It tastes great."

On the bus, a man and a woman collided due to crowding. The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?" The man felt confused and replied, "Do you have medicine?" The people in the car snickered! The woman felt angry and replied: "Are you mentally ill?" The man said coldly: "Can you cure it?" The whole car burst into laughter! The bus driver stopped the car and leaned on the steering wheel laughing.

Q: What do African cannibal chiefs eat? A: People!

Q: One day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be vegetarian. So what did he eat? A: Eat a vegetable!

Question: How can you slim down your buttocks most effectively? Answer: Rub the tree

. Question: The monitor screen keeps shaking slightly, what can I do?

Answer: You are also shaking constantly. When your frequency and amplitude are consistent with the monitor screen, you can't feel it.

. Question: Why don’t good horses turn around? Answer: Because the horse poops from behind.

Question: How to get rid of an annoying dog? Someone has a dog near my house, and it runs around freely and often poops in front of my house at night. Is there any way to prevent it from pooping in my house, or to kill it without anyone knowing?

Answer 1: It’s useless to tell the owner, I’ll give you a good idea. Every time your dog poops, you peek, and when the dog notices you peeking, it will be shy and never dare to poop in front of your house again.

Answer 2: Buy it a computer and teach it to surf the Internet, and it will have no time to come to your door.

Question: What is the simplest secret to longevity? Answer: Keep breathing and don’t stop breathing.

. Question: Why doesn’t the moon revolve around the sun? Answer: Because the moon is already revolving around the earth.

. Question: Who did Liu Guan and Zhang San swore as sworn relatives? Answer 1: Emperor Tianhou Tu. Answer 2: Emperors Yan and Huang. Answer 3: Peach.

Question: What are the dangers of crossing your legs? Answer: The buttocks will be half bigger and half smaller.

Question: Why are people afraid of heights, but birds are not? Answer 1: People know what it feels like to fall, but birds don’t.

Answer 2: When a bird flies, it never worries about its own wings. And people always think too much and carry too much weight.

Why does Superman always wear his underwear outside? Answer 1: If you are wearing it, who knows you are Superman?

Answer 2: Batman, his underwear is pulled over his head; Spider-Man, his underwear is worn outside; how can Superman not take the fashion route? He just wore his underwear outside...

Question: There is a virus in my computer, what pesticide should I buy?

Answer 1: No need to use anything. You can not turn on the computer for a month and starve the virus inside.

Answer 2: It’s not enough to starve to death. What if the virus is too hungry and crawls out to infect other people’s computers! Not only does it have to starve to death by turning on the computer, but it also needs to be sealed in a bag to cut off water, food and air.

Answer 3: Use Fuyanjie, it will be healthier to wash.

Answer 4: It’s not possible to use Fu Yan Jie, it’s from upstairs. What if the computer is male? In fact, using Tide is the best. Does not hurt hands and eliminates bacteria.

Answer 5: Everyone upstairs is unkind. You cannot use insecticides for computer viruses. You can just take your computer to the epidemic prevention station and give it to the doctor for an injection. In the future, one injection will be enough every year. Completely prevent virus invasion.

. Question: an intellectual question. What's after 228? What's behind 103? What's behind 85? All 3 answers are the same! Just give me the answer. Answer: Yes.

Question: Do celebrities need to eat and use the toilet?

Answer 1: Of course not. When celebrities eat, they call it "dining." Celebrities go to the toilet and call "bathroom". So there is no need to "eat" and "go to the toilet".

Tang’s Monk: We should find a shortcut for this Buddhist scripture study! Wukong: Flying is faster than riding a horse! Bajie: Shenliu is faster!

Sha Monk took out a gun: I heard that this thing will send people to the West immediately.

Tang Monk and four others took a plane to travel. The plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes. So, Tang Seng said, everyone should answer the questions, and those who can't answer will jump down.

Tang Monk: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky? Wukong: One. Tang Seng: OK, I’ll give you one.

Tang Monk: Sha Monk, how many moons are there in the sky? Sha Seng: One. Tang Seng: Okay, I’ll give you one too.

Bajie on the side was so happy, such a simple question. Tang's Monk: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky? Bajie jumped down.

Not long after, the four of them took a plane to travel again. It crashed again on the way and still only had three parachutes.

They continued to answer questions.

Tang Monk: Wukong, when was the People’s Republic of China established? Wukong: 1949. Tang Monk: OK. Give you a handful.

Tang Seng: Sha Seng, how many people died in the liberation war? Sha Seng: 2.5 million people. Tang Seng: Okay, I’ll give you one too.

Tang Seng: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people? Bajie had no choice but to jump down again.

The third time, the four of them took a plane to travel again, and there was another accident on the way. At this time, Bajie said: Master, you don’t need to ask, I will dance by myself. Then he jumped. Tang Monk put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time.

You can eat if you want, sleep if you want, it doesn't matter! × If a tree doesn’t need bark, it will definitely die; If a person has no shame, he is invincible Walk around the sea and throw your own way × Wear other people’s shoes and let them find it × One person is better than ten thousand people Fish, the meanest person is invincible × Go your own way and let others take a taxi It must be a prince, or it may be Tang Monk... × Follow the path of others, leaving others with no way to go! way out. × Rats never waste time at night, but humans always waste one third of every day.

×No one is worth your tears, and those who are worth your tears won’t make you cry! ×When college got off my body, I held up my pants and said: You can leave, but your youth must stay, I finally realized that it was not me who went to college, but college who got me!

The fish said to the water: You can't see my tears, because I am in the water. The water said to the fish: No, I can see your tears, because you are in my heart... The pot said: It’s almost cooked and you’re still talking so much

Today my wife asked: “How do you thank me?” I answered: "I will always be your escort."

People asked: "What is an optimist?" People replied: "An optimist is like a teapot, his butt is burning red, and he is still in the mood to whistle!"

The so-called growing up means that you know what it is; the so-called maturity means that you deliberately say you don't know after knowing it.

Those who know how to look behind people’s backs are wise men and esthetes, but those who always look behind people’s backs are traitors.

The cowardly hypocrite turns white into gray; the bold hypocrite turns black into gray. The most successful way to reverse black and white is not to reverse black and white, but to delete black and white.

An iron pestle can be ground into a needle, but a wooden pestle can only be ground into a toothpick. If the material is not right, it will be useless no matter how hard you try. ×The scary thing about stupid people is not that they are stupid, but that they are smart.

The beauty of knowledge lies in making people confused; the beauty of poetry lies in successfully inciting men and women to cheat; the beauty of women lies in being so stupid that they have no regrets; the beauty of men lies in talking so much that they can see ghosts in daylight. ×What’s the use of being handsome? Can I swipe a card with my face at the bank?

If it is a waste to say that singing can attract wolves, then what is the point of singing to scare wolves away?

If you hate a man, change his woman to Li Yuchun; if you hate a woman, change her man to Li Yuchun.

This person is dead and has something to burn. People are old and flossy, and they don’t succeed in whatever they do. Fear keeps you a prisoner, hope sets you free.

It is women's attachment to shopping malls that make shopping malls exciting. Women are the saviors of all shopping malls. Therefore, it is recommended that the door of every shopping mall should be posted: Thank you women.

You must have the courage to lower your head and the confidence to raise your head. If you are not afraid of being used by others, you are afraid of being useless.

Good temper is the best clothing a person can wear in social life.

Sometimes, we are grateful for the small favors from others, but we turn a blind eye to the lifelong kindness of our loved ones.

Those who only know how to be strong will inevitably be broken; those who only know how to be soft will be cowards in the end.

No matter how perfect her figure is, in the eyes of people who don’t love her, it is also a source of ridicule.

If it accumulates for a long time, it will definitely lead to an explosion, and if there are too many explosions, it will definitely lead to a collapse.

No matter how difficult or dangerous it is, just treat yourself as a 250-year-old. No matter how difficult or dangerous it is, just treat yourself as a two-skinned person.

You said that you still wear an advanced hat on your head that is so backward, but you are looking at your bombarded hairstyle with lightning cracks.

The top knows astronomy, the bottom knows geography, the middle knows pediatrics; knows yin and yang, understands gossip, strategizes within the strategy, and makes decisions thousands of miles away.

Explanation is cover-up, cover-up is fabrication, fabrication is attempt, and attempt has no good intentions.

Time flies before you know it, and life is often lived in regrets.

If a man is not drunk, how can a woman get a tip? If a woman is not drunk, how can a man have a chance? If a woman and a man are not drunk, how can anyone sleep in a hotel? If women and men don’t sleep together, how can the service industry charge?

Business girls don’t know the hatred of subjugating their country, and prostitutes don’t know extramarital affairs. As a monk, my mission is to distribute love to all living beings. Amitabha, has the bed of love been made?

Only when we reached the top of the mountain did we realize that there was only a few steps between the wrong road and the right road.

You eat more salt than I eat rice? That's because you are being harsh; you have crossed more bridges than I have walked? That's because you're too lazy to move.

Since ancient times, no one has ever died, and no one can poop without paper. ×Optimists see opportunities in disasters, and pessimists see disasters in opportunities. ×Being angry is punishing yourself for the mistakes of others.

×It’s not your fault that you look ugly, it’s your fault that you look scary! ×I am not a casual person. When I am casual, I am not a human being! ×You don’t need to report your farts to me, why should you take off your pants! ×I am a very dedicated person, and I am very dedicated to every girl! × If you have the guts to challenge me, you asked me to punch 3 times first. Now I will punch 2 first, and I will punch the rest when I remember. ×We are both stupid. The difference is that you are really stupid and I am pretending to be stupid! Looking back, I actually ran around naked for 19 years! ×What is pressure? My wife and children are pressure. What is motivation? My wife and children are motivation. ×What someone plugs into a hole is a plug, and what someone plugs into a hole is a socket! ×I’ve been to the women’s restroom three times without entering! ×Study deliberately, work deliberately, live deliberately, and live like a human being deliberately! ×. Put down your airs as a college student and find a meal to eat first! ×.Don’t come to me if you have nothing to do, and don’t come to me if you have something to do! ×When the bird is big, there are all kinds of woods. Nothing is difficult, I'm just afraid of new people × "Guest, please respect yourself! This little girl only sells her body, not her art." × You can't satisfy everyone. Because not all people are human beings. ×A man’s lies can deceive a woman for a night; a woman’s lies can deceive a man for a lifetime. ×Water can carry a boat and cook porridge×What is the generation gap? It’s me singing “Mouse Loves Rice”, my mother is singing “I’m a commune member” × Question: Which bus should I take to go to the 202 hospital? Answer: It’s not easy! 120! × Don’t squeak if you step on shit. Look around to see who else is going to step on it. ×If you have a problem, first look for the cause within yourself. Don’t blame the Earth’s lack of gravity for constipation. ×Life is like rape. Since resistance is useless, it’s better to enjoy it. It's just a fart. ×About thongs: In the past, you took off your underwear to look at your butt; now, you pull out your buttocks to look at your underwear...×Violence can’t solve everything, but it can solve you×Money can’t buy everything, but it can buy me×My English is not good, just because of myself If you are too patriotic, your stock will not rise because you are too environmentally friendly. Your singing will definitely not attract wolves. Really, you will only scare the wolves away. ×Life is like shitting. Sometimes it feels good to shit, but sometimes it makes your facial features tangled. Be lazy, I am too lazy to compare with you; Money is not the problem, the problem is lack of money × Men only need to defeat women in bed. No matter how ruthless a man is, there is only one place where he can become hardened when he sees a woman. × The friendship between us is as strong as RMB!! ×The unit is like a big tree full of monkeys - when you look up, it's all butts, when you look down, it's all smiling faces, when you look left and right, it's all ears and eyes...

Life is like stool, once it's flushed away , will not come back again. Life is like defecation. It always looks the same no matter how you poop, but it is different every time... Life is like defecation. Sometimes it feels good to defecate, but sometimes it makes your facial features tangled! Life is like a poop, you never know what will come out... Life is like a poop, if you want the result to come out, you have to plant it first. Life is like poop. We often work hard for a long time, but only a few farts come out... Life is like poop. No matter how beautifully it is decorated, its essence is still the same... Life is like poop. You can only face it silently and bravely. So, as people often say - "You go eat shit!" In fact, its original meaning is "You have to seriously integrate it into your own life." 』

What kind of generation are we? When we were in elementary school, there was no money to go to college; when we were in college, there was no money to go to elementary school; When we can work, we have to fight hard to find a job that will not starve us to death; when we can't make money, the house is allocated, and when we can make money, we find that our lifetime salary will not be enough. We can't afford to buy a house; when we didn't enter the stock market, fools were making money; when we rushed in excitedly, we realized that we had become fools.

Alas, such pain has caught up with me. In terms of IQ, I can answer 8 out of 10 brain teasers right away. In terms of knowledge, when I was 10 years old, I had already read books for 8 years. The paper only took 10 minutes. Within a day, I can dictate a beautiful article, record it, change up to 8 words, and then publish it; in terms of memory, I can remember 8 of 10 phone numbers just by reporting them once; in terms of endurance, at 10 o'clock in the morning I can insist on peeing until 8 o'clock the next night...

Jump off the building> If you want to jump off the building, if you want to become meat sauce, please go to the tenth floor. If you want to Please go to the ninth floor to be happy. If you still want to take a breath, please go to the eighth floor. If you still want to struggle, please go to the seventh floor. If you still want to leave a last message, please go to the sixth floor. If you just want to be disabled, please go to the fifth floor. If you just want to be hospitalized, go to the fourth floor. If you just want to scare people, go to the third floor. If you are just interested, go to the second floor. If you want to be called crazy, go to the first floor. If you have good jumping ability, go to the basement! ~~~~

A, B, and C went shopping and found a newly opened store with a slogan: "The latest technology---accurate computer IQ test." After reading it, the three were attracted together. When I walked into the store, I found a large chair connected to a helmet. There was a wire behind the helmet connected to the computer. Person A first sat in the chair and put on his helmet. After a while, the computer responded and typed out a line of text: "Your IQ is very high: 275 points." Person A was very happy after reading this. B sat on the chair again, and the computer beeped for a while and typed out a line of text: "Your IQ is average: 75 points." B was very unconvinced after reading this. It was C's turn. C was very nervous and turned blue when he sat on the chair. The computer kept buzzing, and finally typed out a line: "Don't joke about rocks." C slumped in the chair for a while. B and B were dissatisfied and determined to practice and compete again. Five months later, the three of them came to the store again. A still had a high score of 275, and B also reached a score of 125. It was C's turn again. C shivered and sat down in the chair. The computer rang for several hours. Finally I typed the following sentence: "This stone looks familiar."

The sentence that touched me most came from a story: The little snail asked her mother: Why do we have to bear this hard and hard thing since we were born? What about the heavy shell? Mom: Because our bodies don’t have the support of bones, we can only crawl, but not very fast. So you need the protection of this shell! Little Snail: Sister Caterpillar has no bones and can’t crawl fast. Why doesn’t she have to carry this hard and heavy shell? Mom: Because the caterpillar sister can turn into a butterfly, the sky will protect her. Little snail: But brother earthworm has no bones and can't crawl fast, and he won't turn into a butterfly. Why doesn't he carry this hard and heavy shell? Mom: Because the earthworm brother can drill into the earth, and the earth will protect him. The little snail cried: We are so pitiful, neither the sky nor the earth protects us. Mother Snail comforted him: So we have shells! ——We don’t rely on heaven or earth, we rely on ourselves.

Since she broke up and wanted to fart, it was so easy. Then why did you make the breakup as painful as childbirth × I threw myself on the computer like a hungry person on bread × We must love animals, especially cooked ones. × Graduate students are studying to find jobs. ×When someone asks me if she is doing well, I will answer, yes, I can’t be wrong again! × Cherish life and stay away from women × The highest level of teasing a woman: Don’t hit her, don’t scold her, I torture her with my emotions. × Being handsome has no use, and in the end, you won’t be eaten by pawns × Men marry for sex, women marry just to spend less on living expenses and have someone to work as labor × If marriage is the tomb of love, celebrating the wedding anniversary once a year will be It's time to 'sweep the grave' × If marriage is the tomb of love, then the model couple is nothing more than a 'model cemetery' May our child be born with your looks and my intelligence, and never the other way around × I am more than happy to listen to other people’s criticisms of me so that I know who has an opinion of me × A good wife will never ask The husband buys her this and that; a good husband never waits for his wife to ask before buying. ×Don’t expect too much in everything, otherwise it will explode like a balloon if it is too inflated. And I am the cheapest and least inflated little balloon.

×If taxes are imposed when looking in the mirror, I’m afraid some women will go bankrupt×When we were young, we often made faces in the mirror; when we are old, the mirror is even No" story? ×Gardening tip: The way to distinguish between beneficial and harmful weeds is to pull them out and try - if they are easy to pull out, it proves that it is a beneficial weed. ×I have a request: treat me to dinner. I hope you can satisfy me. Otherwise, I will write your mobile phone number on the wall and add two words in front: Apply for a certificate. You also want to treat me to a good meal, or write: Marriage, both men and women are welcome, no conditions are required. ×If anyone marries you...it will be regarded as a good deed.×I have good news and bad news. Which one should I listen to first? - Good news. ——I will not pursue this matter any further. ——What about the bad news? ——You have to give me 20 yuan of silver. . . . . ×Being pregnant is like being pregnant. It takes a long time for people to see it. ×My left hand took away my first night...×The girls from the University of Electronic Science and Technology of China have "three obediences and four gains" for their boyfriends in the new century: Three obediences: ①Follow! ②Follow! ③Obey! Four benefits: ① Remember your birthday! ②Be patient when you are angry! ③Be willing to spend money! ④Understand your thoughts! Key points: ① Don’t be cool with me! ② Don’t make me jealous! ③ If you quarrel, you have to give in! ④ If I beat you, you have to hold on! ×A buddy said: You started watching pornographic films in junior high, right? I started thinking about it quite early~ Me: No, I only read it after I went to college. He changed his words and said: Oh, then you are making rapid progress~

Late one night, I was tossing and turning and couldn't sleep at night, so I sent a text message to a sister who lives with me: "I'm depressed, please chat with me for a while. After a while, the sister wrote back: "Okay, what do you want to talk about? It's up to you!" I thought about it and replied happily: "Then let's talk about something serious, for example - you Weight!" After a while of silence, the sister texted back, "This is too heavy, so let's talk about something superficial, such as your IQ!"

My life: I debuted at the age of 1, I am making progress every day at the age of 10, I have lofty ideals at the age of 20, I am basically settled at the age of 30, I am popular at the age of 40, I work hard at the age of 50, I retire and return to my hometown at the age of 60, I play mahjong at the age of 70, I am 80 Basking in the sun at the age of 90, lying on the bed at the age of 90, hanging on the wall at the age of 100!

In a car, a man bumped into a woman. The woman was furious: You can’t stand on three legs! The man waved his hand and said: Forget it, I can't quarrel with you, you are always talking anyway

Two banknote counterfeiters accidentally made fake banknotes with a face value of 15 yuan, and they decided to get them Spending money in remote mountainous areas, when they took a 15-yuan piece and bought 1-yuan candied haws, they cried, and the farmer gave them two 7-yuan pieces.

Because of thirst, God created water; because of darkness, God created fire; because I need friends, God let you come to me, and God lost the bucket of rice!

The husband fly took the wife fly to the toilet for a meal. The female fly asked: Husband, why do we always eat shit? When can we stop eating shit? The male fly said angrily: Not during meal times. Asking such a disgusting question

Spring is here, birds are in love, ants are living together, flies are pregnant, mosquitoes have miscarriages, caterpillars have remarried, frogs have given birth, dimples, what are we waiting for?

Actually, you are very creative, and it is your courage to live. Being ugly is not your original intention, it is just God who lost his temper. You have to live bravely. Without you, who can bring out the beauty of the world × A gorilla came to the zoo. It was so ugly that everyone vomited at the sight of it. One day I went and I vomited; another day you went and the orangutan vomited. ×That day you used a knife to chop a pig wildly, and the pig fled into a dead end, only to hear the pig kneel down and beg you for mercy: "We are born from the same roots, so why rush to fry each other!"

An eagle discovered A rabbit chased after it. The rabbit ran desperately until it was forced to have no way to go. Then it came up with a plan and turned back to the eagle and said: "Sister Eagle, you don't have a bra." The eagle quickly heard this. Covering her breasts, the result...

Why are men so smart and women so greedy? Reason: Men have two heads, women have two mouths.

Small example, if I can’t cure you, I’ll call a veterinarian What do these women have in common? Answer: It’s all the bugs’ fault! b is a smarter answer: It’s too late to pull it out! ×Female: Do you like my gentleness and kindness or my beauty and generosity? Man: I like your sense of humor.

× I am not afraid of those who find fault in the eggs, but I am afraid that they insist on looking for eggs in the bones.

I filled out three choices for the college entrance examination in one go. The first two were from Tsinghua and Peking University. I waited impatiently at home for a month but did not receive the admission notice. I guess the Tsinghua admissions team missed my name. , the notice from Peking University was lost by the postman on the road.

If you regard money as dung now, beauties will regard you as dung. If you don't have money in the future, you may not be able to buy a house; if you can't buy a house, you may not be able to find a wife; if you can't find a wife, you won't be able to raise your son. If you don't have enough money in the future, your wife will scold you for being worthless, and may even run away with a rich man; when your son grows up, he will think you are useless.

When I was in junior high school, I was a very pure man. I read too many novels, and I actually believed that there would be love in this world. My ambition was also very simple. I wanted to be a noble man. Nothing about money and fame. I am worse than dirt in my eyes, and there are only three things I want to do in my life: find a wife, raise a son, and live my whole life. Nowadays, my thinking is lagging behind. I need to correct it and let love go to hell. I want to find more wives and raise more sons.

No matter what you do, you must have good character, you must have good character as a person, you must have good character when playing ball, and you must have good character when you are lustful.

If you watch it with three or two people hiding in a room, it’s called pornographic video; if you watch it with three to five hundred people outdoors, it’s called performance art; if you have the guts to show it on a TV station, it’s called pornographic video fashion show.

Don’t fall in love if you don’t have money, you can do it even if you have money. ×Be strong when you are strong, and be mean when you are mean. To deal with bitches, you must find even meaner ways.

I like to go to the supermarket the most. I never buy anything when I go to the supermarket, and I don’t bring any money. I just bring my two eyes. There are so many beauties there, too many to count. This time I It’s a feast for the eyes.

In 2009, the first cowhide of the Year of the Ox was produced like this!