Where are the people? Funny qq pictures

1. When I was a high school math teacher, Ju Niu B brought a deck of cards into the classroom for the first time, gave one to each person, and asked everyone to remember their own cards. From then on, he brought them with him every day in class. Holding that deck of cards, shuffling the cards on the podium while teaching! From time to time, he threw out two cards and said calmly, "Diamonds, 4, clubs, jack, come up and do the questions..."

2. On the way to learn the scriptures, Tang Monk said: Wukong, let me give you a question to test you. We have four masters and disciples. If one dies, how many will be left? Wukong answered: Zero. Tang Seng was furious: 4-1=0? Tell me how you calculated it! When Wukong heard this, he beat Tang Seng to death with a stick, then looked at Bajie and Sha Seng and said: How can there be anyone now?

3. Go shopping for watermelon with your wife. The watermelon seller will not give you an advantage. Me: It’s the same watermelon. Everyone else sells it for one dollar, so why do you only sell it for one dollar and a half? Him: We are also a daughter-in-law, but everyone else’s is one hundred pounds, so why is yours only one hundred and fifty? Me: Just wait for me to calm down for a while...

4. Her space access secret question is "What is the name of my boyfriend?" The male celebrities I always mentioned to her are the same ones in school. I have entered the names of handsome boys and they all show errors. Suddenly, I felt blessed. With trembling hands, I entered my name and pressed Enter... Sure enough, it was not...

5. In summer, the dog at home had a skin disease. My wife used Fuyanjie to wash it, and the effect was Very good. One day, my wife went to buy Fuyanjie for the dog. The clerk came over and said that if you use some topical ointment after washing, it will heal faster. My wife thought about it and said seriously, if you can't apply the ointment, he will lick it! Her eyes almost fell out. My wife realized that she had been misunderstood, and explained, I mean my dog ??can lick!! Wife, have you really explained it clearly?

6. Just now , on the bus, the two coins in my hand fell to the ground. I was just about to pick them up when the old man sitting next to me picked them up. I thought he would return them to me, but I didn’t expect that he just put them in his pocket! I thought to myself that the uncle might not have money to take the bus, forget it... After a while the conductor came over, and when I took out two more coins and wanted to hand them to the conductor, the uncle took out four coins from his pocket and said leisurely: This girl's I paid the fare together! Uncle, what are you going to do...

7. Question: Why do you need to look at the production date when buying an inflatable doll? Answer: Is it suitable for you to find a girlfriend without looking at the horoscope?

8. There was a couple. The husband woke up first in the morning and said to his wife: "If I don't leave, it will be too late. By the way, this is your 800 yuan." The wife accepted it without hesitation. At this time, they all seemed to understand something...

9. Wife: Do you know why a man’s penis is called a penis? Husband: I don’t know! Wife: As a man, you don’t even know this! Husband: Do you know why? Wife: Because a man originally had three eggs, but one hatched out later! Husband: ...

10. A gentleman went to the hospital for a cold and got a drip needle. The nurse quickly inserted the needle and hung up the saline solution for the gentleman. More than an hour later, the water in the saline bottle was filled with water. When it was over, the nurse came over and immediately replaced it with another bottle. The gentleman was puzzled and asked the nurse: "Miss, didn't there only be one bottle prescribed on the prescription?" The nurse pointed to the empty bottle cap that had been filled with saline and said, "Sir, you are so lucky. This bottle has won the prize. Come on." One bottle~!

11. An old man had never used an ATM before. When he used the ATM for the first time, a voice prompt came from the ATM: "Please enter your password!" "The old man looked around and saw that no one was there, then he bent down sideways, put his hands to his mouth, and whispered to the cash machine: "Six zeros! "

12. A young woman coaxed her child to sleep with your grandfather at night. The child did not want to go. The young woman said: If you don't want to go, I will go.

Grandpa said seriously: Educate children to be honest. You cannot coax both children and the elderly.

13. The landlord is accompanying the new tenant to look at the house.

Tenant: "It seems that this house is often used." Leaky. ”

Landlord: “No, it only leaks when it rains.” ”

14. In the bar, George was drinking beer alone. He suddenly felt that he had to go to the bathroom. He was afraid that someone would steal his beer after leaving, so he wrote a note on the table: "I spit in the cup. "When he came back, he found another sentence added to the paper: "I also spit out. "

15. Today's mobile phones and computers are all popular with touch screens. A friend said with emotion: "Technology is developing so fast now. Maybe one day all TVs will have touch screens.

Another friend said: "You are stupid!" I don’t have a remote control, so I have to walk over and poke it with my finger?

16. A young girl married an old rich man. At the wedding, someone pointed at the bride’s back and said, “I’m really wronged, girl. Look at the old groom, he’s almost as old as her grandfather.”

The old rich man retorted: "If you want to talk about grievances, I am more aggrieved than her. Her grandfather is only two years older than me, but I still have to call him grandpa!" ”

17. Grandpa posted a picture of a naked girl on the Internet. The seven Hurova brothers left comments one after another. The eldest child: Awesome! The second child: It’s so bright! The third child: It’s hard! The fourth child: Yes Fire! Fifth child: It’s wet! Six children: It’s shameful to hide it! Seven children: It’s a good picture, so I’ll take it!

18. A certain man’s wife often cheats on her. Turning a blind eye, a colleague sent me a pair of couplets, the first couplet: As long as the life goes by, the second couplet: Even if the head is a little green, horizontal comment: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

19. One time, I suddenly thought of going swimming. I bought a pair of cheap swimming trunks in the supermarket because there was no other color but red. Unexpectedly, the swimming trunks faded and when I soaked in the pool, traces of red oozed out from my lower body. In the water... an uncle swam past me, looked at the red "bloody water" under my body, and then looked at my naked upper body. For a moment, his expression was very contradictory...

20 , The foodie has arrived! There is bright moonlight in front of the bed, and I want to drink pimple soup. I still remember that the little lotus is showing its sharp corners, and the moon is falling, and the sky is covered with pine nuts and corn. Three delicacies. The spring breeze is green on the south bank of the river, and the moon is shining when the cold noodles will be baked. You have not yet come back, so I want to cheer up the god. I will make pancakes and fruit with chicken fillet on the street. Waiting for barbecue!

21. A went to whore and met Xi Shi. Xi Shi said: Two hundred yuan is not expensive if we are destined to meet each other. Can it be done? Xi Shi said: If the spring breeze wants to cross Yumen Pass, the minimum is one hundred and three! Ten dollars! Xi Shi roared: I bet my youth on tomorrow, and missing a hundred dollars is considered rape!

22. When he came back drunk in the middle of the night, he used all his strength to kick his wife while she was sleeping. Under the bed. Then he yelled angrily: "Fuck you! I have a wife and children!" Then he fell back and continued to pretend to sleep. The next morning, my wife endured the pain and not only did not blame her for being drunk last night, she even brought him a meal. Steaming milk, half of it was moved to tears. PS: Who came up with such a shameful trick?

23. My wife saw a cute kid while shopping, and then she looked at her husband and sighed. He took a breath and said to his husband: If the child looks like you in the future, it will be over! The husband was stunned for a moment and glared at his wife fiercely: "If it doesn't look like me, it will be over for you!" ! ! "

24. I started chatting with the girl I had a crush on on QQ at 11 o'clock in the evening, telling stories about my childhood. When we became more and more interested, I handsomely confessed my love at 12 o'clock. Success. We chatted until 2 o'clock... At four o'clock, I was still too excited to fall asleep. The phone rang, "I'm sorry, I'm his brother. After chatting all night, I found that you are a good person. "...

25. One day I had an argument with the idiot in front of me. He called me a mad dog. Suddenly I had an idea. I slammed the table and said, "Who are you calling a mad dog? This idiot is the same." As soon as he slammed the table, he stood up and said, "Mad dog is scolding you! Mad dog, mad dog is... scolding... you..." 26. One day, a young man went to a small restaurant to eat and saw a beautiful woman. The child sitting there made his heart skip a beat, and the young man mustered up the courage to step forward and strike up a conversation with the girl: "Hello, what's your name? The girl said without raising her head: "Beef noodles, hurry up!" ”

27. I was forced to go on a blind date. The other person was an English major. He told me that he had English level 8, Japanese level 1, and German level 2. What level did he have? I told him QQ is level 30, yellow diamond is level 7, red diamond is level 4, colored diamond is level 4, and green diamond is level 3. The other party walks away. Blind date is also a pleasure of life...

28. I have a goddess. With my phone number, I can tell whether she is awake every day. If she doesn’t answer the phone, she is still awake; if she hangs up on the phone, she is awake. Don’t envy me too much...

< p>29. I work in a bank, and my colleagues made me cry when I went to work today.

It happened that a customer was withdrawing money, and I choked and said, "What business are you doing?" "

The customer replied: "Take 50,000.

"I was still angry and tears couldn't stop flowing.

The customer hurriedly said: "No, no, I won't withdraw it, keep the money! ”

30. When I first started using QQ, I didn’t quite understand it. During a chat, a netizen asked me: How to upgrade the QQ software? I don’t know how to pretend to understand. Answer: You uninstall the old one first. I'll tell you how to do it again! So, half a minute later, the netizen's avatar turned gray. From then on, this person disappeared...

31. Once, I wanted to contact a classmate because I had something to do, but my mobile phone was not available. His number was not saved in the phone, so I sent a text message to another classmate who was very familiar with him, "Do you have XXX's phone number?" Then I waited patiently for a reply. After 5 minutes, I finally received a reply. I couldn't wait to open the text message and was surprised. There were two big words written on it, "Yes". In desperation, I could only send another text message to the elder brother, "So, please tell me?" I waited for another five minutes and received a reply. I couldn't wait again. When I opened it, two other words were written: "Okay"

32. A friend has a short stature, which is inherited in the family, and his father and grandfather are not tall.

His father was in junior high school. Encourage him and say: Son, let’s find a partner quickly before anyone else grows up.

33. I saw a buddy was late this morning.

So the teacher asked you what was the reason this time? Was it another traffic jam?

It was too foggy when I went out in the morning, so I passed by the school and didn’t notice it.

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34. Go to your girlfriend’s house for dinner and perform a magic trick for everyone at the dinner table: “It’s time to witness the miracle! "

The chair fell over by my father-in-law, and the whole family looked at me with murderous eyes. Old man, listen to my explanation. I really did not make the chair...

35. Kong Ming: Lord, I think you should pay close attention to Xiao Qiao. Liu Bei: Seize the World, why should you pay attention to a woman? Kong Ming: Because according to my understanding, among the people you pay attention to, Cao Cao, Sun Quan, Zhou Yu and others also pay attention to her.

36. While my classmate was taking a shower, I changed his girlfriend’s phone number to mine. I sent him a text message “Honey, I’m pregnant” while I was lying in bed at night. I saw the guy suddenly turned over. After getting out of bed, Badabada smoked a pack of cigarettes and asked someone in the dormitory to borrow money...?

37. The son came home tremblingly: "Dad, I only got 60 points in the exam today." The father was very angry: “Next time you get a low grade, don’t call me dad! "The next day my son came back: "I'm sorry, brother!"?

38. When I was in my senior year, I came downstairs after studying one day. I thought the person in front of me was my roommate, so I secretly ran up to him. I kicked him hard in the butt and yelled: You're actually a habitual person?! The man rubbed his butt and looked back at me pitifully, and said tremblingly: Yes, we met each other for a few seconds, and I hesitated. How can I apologize? The man replied: Brother, I am a freshman, so I won’t dare to do it anymore...?

39. My girlfriend said that I agreed without much pursuit at that time. It was a big loss to her, so we broke up with her. , I pursued again, and I agreed. Then, there was no end. Isn’t this how you cheat to break up?

40. Don’t you have to swipe the barcode when you go to the school supermarket today? ~There will be a "beep" sound~ The braised egg I bought couldn't come out... I don't know what I was thinking in my head at that time... I just said: "Beep!" ~~~" The whole audience was petrified~~~?

41. I just heard two primary school students scolding each other on the street. One said: There is a hole in your head, there is water in the hole, and there is water in the water. Fish, fish is for the zombies to eat. The zombies will grow up and eat your brain... This naughty young man, you've had enough...

42. A Sichuan man fell into the water, kept floating up and down, and shouted for help. At a critical moment, someone didn't take off his clothes and tried to dive into the water to rescue him. Another person grabbed him and said calmly: "No, it's up to me!" "

The man turned to the man who fell into the water and shouted loudly: "Three are missing and one is missing!" Three are missing! "

At this time, a miracle happened. The Sichuan people in the water were stunned for a moment, then rowed hard to the shore, climbed ashore in a moment, and said: "Here we come! Coming! "

43. Bao Zheng was very naughty when he was a child. He always liked to take off the crescent moon on his forehead to play with it. An old man with a long beard passed by and happened to see him playing with his hand. The old man walked up to Bao Zheng and spoke earnestly. Said: If you are well, there will be blue sky.

44. When the real and fake Wukong hit Tathagata, Tathagata said in a deep voice: "How do you prove that you are the real Wukong?" I saw one of the monkeys shrunk to the size of an index finger, and flew into the palm of Tathagata. There was a pile of shit in the palm of Tathagata's hand. Tathagata was not angry, but instead had a happy face, and murmured, "It's still the original recipe, and it's still the familiar taste...

45. Remember that in Journey to the West, Sun Wukong went to Princess Iron Fan to borrow money from him? The plot of the Banana Fan? Sun Wukong got into the belly of Princess Iron Fan, Wukong said: "Sister-in-law, I am already inside you. Princess Iron Fan: "Come out quickly!" Uncle, I can't stand it anymore! " Wukong: "Sister-in-law, I'm coming out soon, please open your mouth quickly. "Princess Iron Fan: "Ah! "The Bull Demon King heard this outside the door and left a letter of divorce... From then on, he left for a foreign country...

46. Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, there was a man named Langbi. , suddenly the grass was turned upside down, and I had no choice but to live in poverty, and the grass was in a state of poverty... This story is called "It's terrible to be uneducated."

47. The school suddenly clamped down on love affairs. The dean called us to the auditorium and told us the reason for the ban: "I was patrolling at night a few days ago and caught a couple in the garden. Do you know what they were doing? Some of the students below said they were flirting, and some said they were kissing. The dean said, "No, I'm telling you!" Your senior sister took two apples, a pair of red candles, and a stick of incense in the small pavilion in the middle of the night to worship heaven and earth! Scared me to death! ”

48. Son: “Dad, there is a very pitiful old uncle outside. He keeps screaming outside, so dad, can you give me two dollars?” I want to give it to him. Dad: "Good boy, you have shown pity for the elderly since you were a child. You are worthy of praise. I will give you two dollars." Dad: "Oh, by the way, what is that old uncle's name?" Son: "Ice cream, ice cream, 2 yuan each!" Come quickly! ”

49. A few days ago, I went to a remote town on a business trip. Due to frequent use of mobile phones, 10086 soon notified me of arrears. It happened that there was a person selling mobile phone recharge cards on the roadside. I was like a savior. I quickly bought a 50 yuan recharge card, which is the kind of card where you can scratch off the coating to get the password. When I scratched it, I was dumbfounded. I saw it said: Thank you for your patronage! Damn, I bought a recharge card! It’s not a scratch! It’s a scam!

50. I remember that when I was in college, someone messed with my computer! At that time, I wanted to go up to the door to settle the score with him. As soon as I got to the door, I had an idea and poured a full bucket of water down the wall. Then I heard the 1st floor, 2nd floor, and 3rd floor. Everyone came up... Then, I organized them to beat up the guy on the 5th floor.

51. There is too much homework, so you can use it to play cards. To the Chinese paper! " "don't want! " "I want! Four English papers exploded! "Sorry, keep walking." ""Three history papers and one political paper. "How about going up?" "..."A pair of math papers, order..."

52. My friend has set a password in his QQ space, and the question is: Who are you?, this SB won't tell me the answer, so I have to ask him, I I tried his name, his dog’s name, our classmates’ names, and our friends’ names over and over again, but nothing was right. I had no choice but to send him a message: Okay, I beg you, please reply! Finished sentence: My eyes.

53. Last night I finally couldn’t bear it anymore and yelled at my wife: “Did I marry you just to let you bully me like this? Weren't you like this before you got married? Where is your conscience? "My wife said coldly: "I was eaten by you. "~

54. Passing by a lawn, I saw this slogan: Today you step on my head, next year I will grow on your grave...

55. I invited a friend to dinner today, and he probably ate too much. He couldn't help but burped three times in a row on the bus: "Ugh. Well. Well.

"A little friend sitting next to me, sitting on my mother's lap, continued with a sweet voice: "Qu Xiang Xiang Tian Ge". The whole car was laughing like crazy... I was alone in the corner until I suffered internal injuries...

56. When I was in a shopping mall, a girl at the counter kept laughing at me, which made me feel uncomfortable! I mustered up the courage to go up and ask her: "What are you laughing at?" MM said: "A thief just took out your mobile phone, looked at it, shook his head and put it back again!" ”

57. Some time ago, I learned to play mahjong and quickly became addicted. However, my wife found out about it and she firmly opposed it. I promised her verbally not to play, but I still played secretly. Yesterday I was playing mahjong with Sister Wang, but my wife came to check on me in the middle of the game. I lied and said that I was sleeping. She didn't believe me. I was so anxious that I asked Sister Wang if she didn't believe me. She was next to me.

58. Two little boys stood at the door of the household registration office, looking curiously at a couple who had just registered their marriage. One little boy said, "Should we scare them? "The other said: "Okay! "He immediately ran in and shouted to the groom: "Hey, Dad! ”

59. When relatives from my hometown came to Beijing and went to a high-end restaurant to eat together, a 15% service fee was charged. The waiter’s service attitude was very good, and he gave fruits, white fungus soup and souvenirs. The relatives asked happily Waiter: “What else are you giving me? The waiter said with a smile on his face: "We will send you out in a moment." ”

60. Walking in the underground passage near the train station, I found someone writing a large mobile phone number on the wall, with the words “Looking for gays in this city” written on the back. The words below were very vague. A line of small words, "X, damn you, who knows whether you are a boy or a girl?"...

61. When I first entered college, at the freshman exchange meeting, it was my turn to go on stage to introduce myself. When I got to the stage, I was super I was so nervous that I couldn't speak. The class monitor comforted me and said, just say whatever you want. Then he gritted his teeth and originally wanted to say: "Sorry, classmates, I'm quite shy. It's my first time meeting you. To be honest. Not coming out. "When it came to the last sentence, my tongue was tied, and I said: It's the first time we met, and I really can't cum.

62. A colleague was happy to have a son. When his son just learned to speak, he said to his son every day Said: "Call daddy. The son followed suit and said, "Call me daddy." Over time, the son developed the habit of saying, "Call me daddy" when he saw him. He couldn't help it, so he began to correct it, and now he says to his son every day: "Dad." ”

63. A patient who had just woken up from an amputation operation asked: What’s wrong with me? Doctor: You were in a car accident. Patient: I’m in the hospital? Doctor replied: To be precise, it was your big Partly in the hospital.

64. The bachelor Xiaoma picked up a handkerchief with Axiang and a phone number embroidered on it. Xiaoma called excitedly: Hello! Is Miss Axiang here? Voice: Grandma, your phone!

65. Passenger: Your driver drives at an alarming speed, but he rarely gets into accidents. What’s the reason? The driver said: Sir, technology? The driver who was not tall died in the car accident.

66. Nurse: That’s bad! The patient just took the medicine we gave her and fainted as soon as she left the clinic. Doctor: Hurry up! , turned her body over, as if she had just entered the door!

67. One year, there was a severe drought, and a person went to a living god to pray for rain, and the living god burned a stick of incense. She handed him a sealed note

and said: "You can only open it and read it if it rains, otherwise it won't work. As soon as the man came home, it rained heavily. He opened the sealed note and read: "It rained today." "The man exclaimed: "Ah! A living god, a true god!"