Reflections on answering evasive questions.

Reflections on answering evasive questions.

Myth 1: Avoidance means not liking enough.

This sentence is the same as saying, "What is depression? It is not objective enough to compete with yourself.

We must understand each other's defensive psychology when we get along with each other. If you can't understand the source and importance of defense and treat it as a deliberate avoidance, then this relationship will be in constant conflict.

Avoidant attachment, facing the circle of friends, most of them can get along normally. Even because of fear of conflict/care about outsiders' comments, they show politeness and peace.

Most friends and colleagues think that he is not good at words and will not deal with people. But he won't be "hurt" because of his confrontation/neglect/escape.

TA avoids intimate relationships, and all confrontation/stubbornness/cold violence will be imposed on lovers.

In other words, whenever TA carefully maintains the personnel structure without any evasive behavior, it also shows that at least one party has not entered the other party's heart.

Myth 2: you can't get used to avoiding, and you can't be like your mother.

In fact, avoiding the lover's request is more inclined to "don't interfere too much and leave free space" than "care and love like a mother"

Therefore, in the face of entanglement and control desire in the relationship, avoidance will show strong rejection. If you feel hurt, it is very likely that you have paid too much and didn't get any feedback/cold rejection. Instead of TA chasing and accusing you of not caring enough.

Myth 3: Cold and Hot ≠ Avoidance Type

For the judgment of avoidance, we need to refer to the details of daily life, family background and growth experience. About half of the people in counseling do not belong to "avoidant attachment".

Although they also have some avoidable personality traits, there is a clear trigger for the transition from hot to cold. For example, two people have conflicting values, one goes to the north and the other stays in a small town. One wants to buy a house and the other wants to rent a house.

There is also a very common situation, that is, "I am not satisfied with my current lover, but I have not found a better one for the time being", and "it is difficult to choose between two ambiguous relationships" will also appear this kind of cold and hot.

However, avoidance is not only a common cause of lovers' emotional attacks, but also because the relationship heats up too fast, TA feels rejected and left out.

Myth 4: Distance ≠ relationship will fade.

Many evasions have shown obvious "evasive" behavior. At this time, a lot of space is needed to relieve stress, while anxious lovers are worried that "the relationship will get cold."

This is considered from the perspective of anxiety. In fact, safe love needs personal space, and avoidance needs more space.

If anxious people can't be alone, it is difficult to meet each other's space needs.

In other words, most anxious couples need more space, not more intimacy.