Why can everything be associated with sexual relationships?

I had insomnia, and my mood had been fluctuating a lot recently, so I lay in bed and began to analyze my inability to fill my desires and fears. After thinking about it, I still feel that I did not have a very safe childhood, so some things left their mark.

But it would be too long to talk about the shortcomings in childhood. It is already this o'clock, and I may get sleepy after a while. Let me briefly talk about a childhood incident that deeply disgusted me.

I have always found that people are always very sensitive to sexual relationships. In popular and more universal terms, the relationship between opposite sexes is very sensitive. Once they find out that something happened between two people of the opposite sex, they will show a gossipy expression.

Maybe some people will like it. For example, an acquaintance often happily complains about her mother and secretly gossips about her and her friends of the opposite sex in the news. She seems to enjoy this ambiguous feeling. But I am disgusted, very disgusted, and regard all relationships as sexual relationships.

When I was a child, probably in the first or second grade of elementary school, I often played with the children in the community. Among them was a boy who was already in junior high school and was already busy with his studies. He would only occasionally play with us when passing by.

At that time, I was still young and didn’t understand much. I just felt that this person was very gentle and nurturing, and he was very accommodating to children.

One time, several other girls and I were making ridiculous jokes about a girl and another boy. When asked what he thought, he smiled good-naturedly and said: She is very good, and I like her very much.

At that time, we made the joke even more serious, and even made it to both of them. Although I was also talking nonsense at that time, a thought quickly flashed through my mind: He really respected her and loved her, even though they were just not very close friends. Immediately, I felt that my unbridled speech was simply embarrassing in such a light. But I glanced at him quietly, and I saw that he didn't look down on us because of this. He was still looking at us and smiling in a good-natured way.

At that moment, I suddenly realized that this gentle and gentle elder brother might be a very valuable person.

He also has something special in my life. I only see him occasionally, but every time I see him, he will come over and call me by my name with great concern and ask me what I am doing. I can feel that he pays special attention to me. Maybe like other girls who are much older than me, he thinks that I am cute and fun because I am younger, but no matter what, I am very proud of him in my heart.

Later, such a person with a very beautiful memory was killed in my young heart by a very cruel method.

One weekend evening, everyone else went back one after another, but I was the only one who still wanted to play basketball outside for a while. At this time, he happened to take out the garbage and passed by. He had nothing to do, so he came over to play with me.

Thinking about it, he is obviously much older than me - if I were that age, I would not be willing to play with a little bear - but he still plays with me quietly. "I'll take a picture and send it to you." , you take a picture and send it to me" game, chatting with me as a child.

I was really happy at that time. Firstly, I had someone to play with me again. Secondly, children tend to admire older children, so I felt very proud that he was willing to play with me.

It was a wonderful moment when I suddenly saw my dad coming out of the unit door. As soon as he saw me, he told me to go back with a cold face. When I didn't want to, he lost his temper and forced me to go back. I still remember seeing through the moonlight that he glanced at the boy warily.

After I reluctantly went home with the basketball in my arms, I heard my dad complaining to my mom, saying, "She was playing basketball there with a boy who was much older than him." While talking, The tone was full of sarcasm. Although I was young at the time, I still realized that it was related to the relationship between men and women. This sentence was so harsh that I can’t remember my reaction at the time, but I think I must have retorted angrily, only to be scolded in return for being sober and unconscious.

From then on, when I thought about that boy, I felt strange in my heart. I still like him very much, at least in the eyes of a child, he is the gentlest and friendliest boy I have ever seen in the entire community and my entire elementary school. But from then on, every time I saw him greeting me in a friendly way, I always felt guilty. Because I felt that he was being insulted and looked down upon by my parents behind his back, but I couldn't defend him. Fortunately, he soon entered high school and stopped playing in the community.

This is the first time.

It is my second turn to go to junior high school. At that time, I was very close to the boy in my back seat and my favorite friend since I was a kid. The three of them often play together. Because I sit close to him, I often chat with him to pass the time, or get some unused stationery from him.

He is a very shy and introverted boy, with a slightly cowardly personality and not much enthusiasm for others. But I am very good at dealing with this kind of people, and I am also good at discovering his interests that others do not understand.

At that time, my friend and I often secretly drew pictures on his desk while he was away. When he found out, he would draw back in anger and fun. We pinched his face and he smeared his own saliva on it. The three of us often said things that only each other could understand and joked with each other. All in all, he is an angry and funny person.

Throughout my dark and depressing junior high school, he and my friends were my biggest pillars of support. However, my friend was stronger and had a stronger personality, and he was easier to bully, so I was actually more psychologically dependent on him at that time. I often don't remember the day's notices and homework, and ask him to borrow a small book to read before school. I often skip my homework and just copy it from him. Later, I was not afraid even if I forgot to bring my stationery, since I could borrow it from him anyway.

So later he suddenly transferred to study abroad, and I suddenly became a person who couldn't take care of myself. He was in the third grade of junior high school when he left, without telling me or my friends. Maybe it's because he doesn't care about us as much as we care about him.

After I learned about it from others, I felt sad for the entire summer vacation. I remember I had a three-day holiday during the Dragon Boat Festival, and I cried for three whole days. I cry when I think about it, and I cry so hard that I wish I could faint and find out that everything was fake. Even in my head, I wrote a lyric thinking about him and showed it to my friend. One of my classmates knew about it and said to me sincerely: "I think you are in love with him, and you haven't noticed it yet."

I was so sad at the time that I felt speechless. Compared with love, That kind of insignificant thing, my sadness is like a mountain, making me breathless. All I know is that I miss him and desperately want him back.

He is so important to my school life and life. I set up a time difference clock and chatted with him on QQ every day, even secretly during class. I helped him calculate some factors that he had forgotten in foreign schools, and asked him to help me translate English words.

Later, he finally returned to China for Christmas, and we had a party outside together. I was looking forward to that day so much, but he was surrounded by a few brothers, and my friend and I barely said a few words to him.

After I returned home, I was so sad that I complained to my mother in a low mood. My mother said with a smile: "You care about others so much, what do you want others to tell you?" At that time, I finally got angry and lost my temper while crying. A long time ago, when I mentioned him to my mother, she would always show a subtle smile, and mockingly tell me not to be so impatient, and even compared it to her own youth stories when she was a child.

In fact, because I was bombarded and brainwashed every day, I didn’t think about whether I had any other thoughts about him. But after thinking about it, I just feel that I like him very much. It is a pure love for this person's existence, not the result of those hormones running wild. For example, I have no desire to hold hands with him. If I kiss him, it will be an even bigger disaster.

So I don’t understand. To me, this speculation about the relationship between men and women is like blaspheming my feelings for them. Just because the other person is of the opposite sex, others will give you an ambiguous smile, as if they have seen through some shady story.

Probably because I have been misunderstood since childhood, especially by my family. I hate the misunderstanding of this kind of friendship with the opposite sex without sexual desire.

Once during my internship, a male colleague said that I definitely didn’t pick my gaming laptop myself. I answered yes, I bought it after consulting a male classmate in the computer department. When the boss heard this, he immediately started talking enthusiastically and asked which man he was and what his relationship was with you. I immediately became displeased, but out of sympathy, I just explained it again stiffly.

Looking at these things, sometimes I feel that this world is too vulgar. All opposite-sex relationships will be speculated to be sexual relationships. Obviously you are just interacting with him ordinarily and appreciating them, but you have to Being looked at with ambiguous eyes.

I hate the sensitivity in my family.

I never praise anyone of the opposite sex in front of them, and I keep silent about my attraction to the opposite sex, lest they laugh again and accuse me covertly of being unreserved. Since they want it, then I will be an asexual person in front of them.

This may be one reason why I can never truly be honest with my family. They don't respect me, my sadness, or my friendship, and they will certainly not respect my love much in the future.

How sad that my family, both of whom can be considered high-level intellectuals, are so ignorant of education and have such conservative views on gender and sexuality.

Recalling the time I went to see a gynecologist for dysmenorrhea, my mother jokingly said that if my colleagues saw me asking for leave to take you to see a gynecologist, they would think it was embarrassing.

Another time last year, maybe it was rainy and couldn't dry my underwear. I felt uncomfortable and went to the gynecologist to get prescribed medicine. It turned out that I was not sick and recovered on my own, so I just threw the medicine that needed to be rinsed in the drawer.

When I moved out, I asked my mother to mail things for me. My mother saw it when she was rummaging through the boxes. He specially took a photo for me on WeChat and asked me what it was. My heart skipped a beat, and I immediately remembered what I had told her when I went to the doctor. So Yun Danfeng explained it gently, and she breathed a sigh of relief and said it scared her to death.

There are too many things like this. The funny thing is that my mother once wanted me to dress up well and find a boyfriend when I was in college. I don’t think sex can be tolerated in my family. Thinking about it makes me feel as disgusting as eating expired yogurt.

Anyway, now I am just a pansexual. My attention to men only exists for sex and I have no need for love.