Cold joke collection

A cake got lost in the forest. Who encouraged it to go out of the forest?

Answer: pig. Because of chocolate cake.

Adult diapers, hitting people.

Answer: Bao Qingtian (Bao Gong)

1 ~ 10, which two are the brightest?

Answer: 1 3. Because of the twinkling stars.

1. A male deer walked faster and faster, and finally became a road (deer)! ! ! !

2. Two tomatoes cross the road, a car flies by, one of them can't escape and is squashed, and the other tomato points to the squashed tomato and laughs: dig hahaha, ketchup …

The wolf said, "I will eat you!" ! ! "Guess what?

As a result, the wolf ate the lamb.

4. The stone fights with the rice cake, and the stone flies and kicks the rice cake into the sea. ..........

Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who decided to join the army for life, so they made an oath with the girl, gave her a diamond ring, and agreed to meet her three years later today. At that time, the ring will be used as a wedding ring. Three years later, the girl has been waiting for the boy, but she can't. Sad and desperate, she threw the diamond ring into the sea and moved away. However, the boy has been waiting.

Rice cake! ! !

5. Is jiaozi a boy or a girl?

Answer the boy because jiaozi has a foreskin.

6. There is a duck named Xiao Huang. One day, he was hit by a car. He shouted, "Gung!" From then on, he became a cucumber! !

7. The matchstick suddenly felt itchy, so I reached out to scratch it and burned myself to death …

8. Once upon a time, there was a bird.

He passes through a cornfield every day.

But unfortunately,

One day, a fire broke out in the cornfield.

All the corn has turned into popcorn.

After the bird flew over, ...

I think it will be very cold if it snows. ...

9. When will Taiwan Province Province be reunified?

When buying instant noodles

10. Asun and appa have nothing to talk about, and time waits for no one.

A song: "Recalling childhood, the happiest thing is Children's Day."

Apa: "Youth Day is in ten years."

A song: "Father's Day is in ten years."

Apa: "It will be the days of the elderly in a few decades."

A song: "In a few decades."

Appa: Tomb-Sweeping Day.

1 1. Soldier: "Thirst ... Thirst ..."

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember there is a merlin nearby, which may arrive in a moment. "

Soldier: "Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh! "

Half an hour later-Coss: "Master! The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? Finally, there is water to drink. "

Soldier: "If you don't go ... you must find Plum ..."12. A girl is lovelorn. I advised her: "Toads with two legs are hard to find, and men with three legs are plentiful!" "

13. One day, Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I a stupid child?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?"

14. A medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak meet in the street. Why don't they say hello? (assuming they can talk)

because ..............

because ................

Because they are all strangers ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

15. Question: How to make sparrows quiet?

Answer: Click.

Reason: Silence (silence).

16. A college student was unfortunately caught by the enemy. The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and asked him, "Say, where are you from?" I'll electrocute you if you don't tell me! ! ! "College students replied to the enemy's words and were electrocuted. ...

He said, "I'm from TV University!"

17.a: "I'll take you to a place where all girls don't wear bras."

B: "Really? Where is it? Take me away! "

A: "It's in the kindergarten next door!"

18. Wang, the host of Happy Dictionary, interviewed a program audience and asked, "Who is your favorite hostess?" The audience said, "It's you." Wang asked, "Why do you say that?" The audience said, "Because you look a bit like Yang Lan!"

19. Do you know what color Spider-Man is?

Red, wrong!

It is white.

Look at Spider-Man's English: Spider-Man (a white man)

20. Why did Xiao Ming fall?

Please think twice ........................

Because the floor is slippery.

2 1. After the party, a group of animals rushed into the 7- 1 1 convenience store to buy things. Because it was too noisy, the clerk knocked it out, but left the lamb alone in the store. Why?

Convenience stores are open 24 hours a day. ...

22. The glass and coffee cup crossed the road together, and suddenly someone shouted: Here comes the bus!

As a result, the glass was hit by a car and the coffee cup was fine. Why?

Coffee cups have ears!

23. A horse said that our company has launched a new product, Ass 3, or MP3…… for short ...

24. I hate two kinds of people most:

First, there is racial discrimination;

The second is black;

Third, I can't count!

25. Thanks to madoka ozawa Gang, Ran Asakawa, Ai Nagase, Sanzhu liang zi, Gao Qiao Maria, Kawamoto Dance, Youmu Pupil, Natsume Mishi, Naomai Qinchi, Shiraishi, Kudo Kwai, Seiichi Kosha, kishida fumio, Zewaixing, Fujisaki Ayaka, Yeshanづき and Chihiro Inoue. When I was in the worst spirit, they came to comfort me at the right time; When I was exhausted from playing CS, it was they who made me feel unobstructed pleasure. When I feel depressed, they make me feel excited ~

26. Now the accuracy of earthquake prediction has really improved a lot, only two words are missing this time: the prediction is in Heilongjiang, but the result is in Jiujiang!

27. Jane Zhang said, "My fans say my idol is Ying."

He Jie said: "My fans say my idol is Jay."

"My fans say my idol is Chang."

Chris Lee said: "You talk, I'll go first!"

28. Five Fuwa get together to chat.

Beibei suggested: Let's give ourselves a nickname. I'll call it Beva!

Jingjing: Then my name is Jingwa!

Huanhuan: My name is Huanwa!

Nini: My name is "Niwa"!

Yingying stood up and said, You can chat. I have something to do. I have to go first. ...

It is said that in 2058, five Fuwa got together to chat again.

Beibei: Let's talk about our nicknames again. People respect me very much and call me "Mr. Bei"!

Huanhuan: People call me "Ye Huan"!

Nini: Everyone calls me Grandpa Ni!

Yingying: Everyone calls me Yingying!

Jingjing stood up and said, You talk. I have something to do. I have to go first. ...

29. When winter came, I decided to keep the habit of taking a cold bath, but after washing, I found myself back to my childhood! ! !

30. Celery was walking when he suddenly felt a pain in his stomach. Then he said, "Shh!" What did you say he took out? That's celery dung (diligence)! ! ! What color is celery (vegetable) dung?

Answer: yellow.

Because: Qin Shihuang (Qin Shihuang)

3 1. There is a fat man.

Jump off the top of the twentieth floor. ...

It turned out to be .....

Fat man! !

Once upon a time, there was a piece of bread. It felt hungry and ate itself.

Once upon a time, there was a glass of beer. It felt thirsty and drank it. ..

Once upon a time, there was a virgin who felt tired and let herself fall asleep.

33. Who is the ancestor of mankind?

It's peanuts because peanuts ~ ~ ~

34. Which ancient figure was a white-collar worker?

Meng Mu's Three Movements (Thousands)

35. Zhang Fei: "Stop the old thief!"

Yan Yan: "Ring-eyed thief! Dismount and die! "

Police car: "Listen, two thieves ~ ~ ~ You are surrounded ~ ~ ~ Drop your weapons ..."

36. How did the ants die after falling from the Himalayas?

Answer: I am starving. Because it is too light, it will take a long time to float down …

37. The world's largest KB diary

Old bear was about to write a diary when he found that the diary had been used up. He wanted to go out and buy another book, but it was already twelve o'clock at night. But he rode his bike and looked for it in the dark street. After searching for a long time, I finally found a bookstore and went before closing. He likes a diary very much, so he asks his boss how much it costs.

The boss said in a low voice, "This is imported, and the price should be set in 70 yuan ..."

The old bear said, "It's so expensive, but I have to pay 50 yuan."

The boss said, "It doesn't matter, even if you are at 50 yuan."

The old bear said happily, "Thank you, boss."

The boss said in a very low and gloomy voice, "When you buy it back, don't turn to the last page, or something very KB will happen." Don't blame me for not reminding you! "

The old bear said, "Well, I see."

Old bear bought his diary home. He opened the package and put it on the table in front of the room window. At this time, he wants to take a bath and then come out to write a diary. ...

After taking a shower, Lao Xiong found that the window in front of the desk was actually open, and the wind blew the diary page by page ... When the last page was blown, Lao Xiong stepped forward to stop it, but it was too late, and the last page was blown away by the wind.

KB happened ... I saw the old bear let out a scream because he saw the last page, which read:

(Please pull down)

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.............. pulls again. ...

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Keep pulling ...

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Soon, pull a little more ...

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Well, I'm finally going to pull a little …

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The last page reads-Pricing: 3 yuan.

38. A peach was walking on the road and suddenly said, My heart is so hard!

A walnut was walking on the road and suddenly said, how thick-skinned I am!

There is a coke can on the road, and I feel bored when I walk. Suddenly, I said, I'm so coke!

A heater was walking on the road, helping passers-by conveniently, and suddenly said, I am so enthusiastic!

A key was walking on the road and suddenly said, I am Qu Yuan! I'll look up and down for that lock!

An electric meter was walking on the road and suddenly said, I am a scholar! Look for him in the crowd!

A tadpole was walking on the road and met another tadpole while walking. Walking, he suddenly said, we are not QQ!

A hawthorn is married and walking on the road. Walking, he suddenly said, my face is so red!

A hawthorn divorced, walking on the road suddenly said, my heart is so sour!

A hawthorn remarried and walked on the road, suddenly saying, I have a child in my stomach!

A tea bag was walking on the road and suddenly said, I really want to be soaked!

A dumpling stuffing was walking on the road and suddenly said, I really want to be wrapped!

A lighter was walking on the road and suddenly said that his stomach was full of gas and he wanted to get angry!

A cockroach was walking on the road and suddenly said, I am strong!

A thimble was walking on the road and suddenly said, I'm on it!

An ice cream was walking on the road and suddenly said, I'm cold!

A spider was walking on the road and suddenly said, I still want to surf the internet!

A fish was walking on the road and suddenly said, I like diving every day!

A Guan Yu was walking on the road, and suddenly he said, I rode thousands of miles alone!

An eagle was walking on the road and met a bear. Suddenly, he said, we are playing with the eagle and the bear!

A compass was walking on the road and suddenly said, why can't I find the north?

An earthworm was walking on the road and suddenly said, why can't I find my legs?

39. Once upon a time, there was a Simmons who closed her eyes and suddenly felt as if something was missing.

Thinking of hearing the doorbell ring, I opened the door and saw that the electric blanket had just returned from the meeting.

Simmons grabbed the electric blanket and said:

Brother ~ ~ You can come back, I'm freezing ~ ~ ~

40. A German, a Frenchman and a Japanese are going to work in a mine.

The boss is American. He said to the Germans, "You have a good physique and are in charge of coolies. 」

He said to the French, "You said you were an engineer in charge of the mining plan. 」

To the Japanese, he said, "You are very thin. You are in charge of supply. 」

Then every other week, they start to work.

A few days later, the Germans and the French found that the Japanese had disappeared. After searching for a long time, they decided to go back to work first.

When the Germans started to work, the Japanese suddenly jumped out.

Shout out:

"surprise! 」

4 1. There is a polar bear playing with a penguin. Penguins pull out his hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!"

Hearing this, the polar bear tore off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold!" " "

42. There is a hide-and-seek club, and the head has not been found yet. ...

43. Xiaohong asked: Do you use your right hand or your left hand to make coffee?

Xiaomei said: right hand

Xiaohong said: Oh, you are awesome. You are not afraid of scalding, just like I use a spoon.

Do you know why penguins live in Antarctica?

Because it's cold there ... ..

45. There is a snack bar selling jiaozi without business.

So she went to ask the teacher what to do.

The Lord said, you have to find a fresh corpse and wrap its meat into jiaozi.

Then sell it so that business will be good, but tell their family not to eat this kind of jiaozi, or something will happen.

The boss tried it and the effect was really good.

So she went looking for the body again.

The next day, her son will bring a lunch.

But he couldn't find it, so he went to the refrigerator to look for it.

Found a lunch box. He thought it was his and took it away.

Unexpectedly, jiaozi was left by his father in the box.

He held it up at noon to watch the next jump.

The cross in the morning is 10. Why did it suddenly become five?

He tried to put the lid on again, then opened it, and it became two again!

You know why?

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Because jiaozi stuck to the lid.

46. A lumberjack applied for a job.

Foreman: Try the forest ahead … See how many trees you can saw in a minute … ..

A minute later ...

Foreman: Wow ... 20 trees a minute ... amazing ... where did you work before?

Worker: Sahara forest ...

Foreman: I haven't heard of it. .......................................................

Worker: yes ... then I changed my name!

47. Wife: I am blind and will marry you if I step on shit.

Husband: I was really blind enough to step on shit before I married you.

Shit: I'm so unlucky! Lying there, you both stepped on it. ...

48. tell a story Once upon a time, there was a pair of lovers who privately agreed for life, but the boy needed military service, so he made an oath with the girl and gave her a diamond ring, promising to meet the girl three years later. At that time, the ring will be used as a wedding ring.

Three years later, the boy heard the news of a woman's marriage on the boat home. He was so sad that he threw the diamond ring into the sea in despair. Three days later, the ship landed. The boy went to a small restaurant in the street for dinner. A fish was brought. He picked up the fish and took a bite. He took a bite of something hard and spit it out. Guess what he saw.

Fish bones! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

49. One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruit.

He announced: "children, we can wash the fruit together after picking it, and we can eat it together after washing."

All the children went to pick fruit.

As soon as the assembly time came, all the children got together.

Teacher: "Xiaohua, what do you have?"

Xiaohua: "I am washing apples because I picked them."

Teacher: "What about you, Xiaomei?"

Xiaomei: "I'm washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes."

Teacher: "The children are great! What about Amin? "

A-Ming: "I'm washing cloth shoes because I stepped on shit."

50. Why are puppies getting smaller and smaller?

A: Because it goes further and further.

Once upon a time, there was a horse! It ran into the sea.

So, it becomes a "hippocampus"!

Another friend of this horse fell into the river in order to find the horse that fell into the sea. Later, he became a hippo.

The third horse is white. In order to find two missing friends, it came to a city with chaotic traffic.

It was run over by several cars in a row, leaving several black stripes on its body.

Turns out to be a zebra!

One day, the fourth horse went to a factory to find the companions of the first three horses and was transformed into an "iron horse".

But later, those horses could not escape the fate of being eaten, and all of them were made into "Shaqima". All the horses survived and became a world without horses. ...

Then, a group of people saw the joke and couldn't help saying, "The horse is really cold." .

Finally, in order to commemorate this joke, someone edited it into a class, and we called it "Marseille class"!

52. One day, Mung Bean broke up with his girlfriend.

He kept crying. ...

Cry sadly all the time ...

result ...

male ...

send ...

bud ...

it is ...

53. One day, a lump of black shit saw a lump of white shit.

The black stool asked, Why are you so white and beautiful?

White shit is very angry!

He said: I am not shit! I am ice cream! ! !

54. A cat found a mouse.

So he jumped on the mouse like a hungry tiger to eat it.

But then the cat was eaten by this mouse … ..

why

because

Tigers and mice are stupid and can't tell them apart.

55. A software company is recruiting.

On this day, a dog came to apply. The supervisor felt depressed and wanted to drive the dog out. The dog took out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote a few words neatly: Please don't discriminate against animals.

The manager knows that this is not an ordinary dog. Out of curiosity, he decided to have a try.

The manager took out the application conditions, which read: 1. Must be able to type. 2。 Must be able to program. 3。 Master at least one foreign language.

So the dog came to the computer, skillfully typed an article and wrote a very complicated program. Then come to the supervisor and say to the supervisor: meow! !

56. Sister Toothpaste often changes her mind.

Suddenly, dating my brother's soft toothbrush

I suddenly fell in love with electric toothbrush.

A new neighbor came today.

Sister Toothpaste: "Wow, you are so tall and stylish ~ What's your name ~ Come out with me ~"

The new neighbor said coldly, "No! Because I am a comb ~ "

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple.

The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. 」

The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." 」

The pig said, "people who fart will blush." 」

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out, knocked the pig away, and said, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing. 」

58. He is not a romantic.

Because he knows that she likes roses, and there is a place where she can cut flowers herself.

After buying cheap and beautiful self-help roses,

Occasionally, I will buy eleven roses for her on purpose.

When she received flowers from him, her happy expression always inadvertently showed puzzled eyes.

She didn't know until one day she saw the flower language represented by the number of flowers in a book.

You don't have to send flowers in pairs,

Moreover, the representative flower language of eleven roses is really touching!

But she still wants to hear it from him,

When she asked what eleven roses represented,

He can only prevaricate.

He hurriedly asked the florist about the flower language of eleven roses.

The florist said: I have been planting flowers for 30 years and have never heard the language of any flowers!

I often hear men who come to buy flowers say some sweet words to women.

Then why do you sell eleven flowers each?

He asked doubtfully, and the florist said:

because ...

Buy ten and get one free ~

59. One day, when Jesus had nothing to do, he ran to the entrance of heaven and wandered around.

I saw an old man standing in line. He looked familiar, just like his father Yue Se ~

But he was not sure, so Jesus decided to talk to him.

"Hello, old man, what's your name? 」

The old man said, "My name is Yue Se. 」

Jesus thinks, doesn't he? My father's name is also Yue Se ~

But I'm still not sure ~ ~ So Jesus asked again, "Sir, what did you do before you died?" ? 」

"I'm a carpenter." The old man replied.

Jesus was taken aback and thought what a coincidence ~ my father is also a carpenter.

Jesus continued to ask, "Excuse me, sir, has your son been crucified?" 」

The old man looked at him in surprise and said, "How do you know?"

Jesus was already in tears ~ ~ and knelt down and cried ~ ~ "Oh, Father ~ ~ Because I am your son! 」

The old man also began to shed tears, looked at Jesus and said:

.

.

.

"So it's you ... puppet ~ ~ ~"

60. Xiaoming owes 200,000 yuan to the underground bank.

Xiao Ming begged him to stay a few more days.

The banker said, "Be sure to return it tomorrow, otherwise ... chop off two fingers; The day after tomorrow ... chop 4; On the third day ... "

Xiao Ming: "There is no need to return it, right?"

Banker: "no, then you will become a tinker bell." 」