Refusing rumors: Is crying in children a sign of vulnerability? Learn to cry at the age of 3-6, and your emotional intelligence will develop better

After he turned three years old, I discovered that Qiang Bao’s mood swings were particularly large, and even the smallest thing could make him break down and cry. For example, one morning, when we were sitting together to eat, I conveniently put the straw in the milk glass for him. This time he stopped and started crying. It took him a long time to calm down. Or maybe when you go to a thinking class and get a question wrong, you get so angry that you start crying.

His grandpa came to play board games with him at home. The grandpa and grandson had only been playing for two minutes when Qiang Bao started crying because his grandpa messed up his chess pieces. I hurriedly tried to coax him, but my grandpa said, "You are used to coaxing me when I cry! He thinks crying is useful!" In fact, I am not always able to calmly coax my children. Such emotional problems also make me helpless, but A 3-year-old baby suddenly becomes a crybaby. Is it really a result of "getting used to it"?

In order to correct my grandson's "sissy" behavior, my grandfather asked me to go into battle and show me how to bring out a child with an iron will.

Facing Qiang Bao, who was crying so hard, his grandfather made a cup of tea and asked calmly: "Don't cry, tell me what's wrong with you?" Qiang Bao said intermittently while crying: "That's not good. No, it's not good. "

Grandpa had a question mark on his face and could only say: "I can't hear clearly, please stop first."

Qiang Bao cried and said: "I can't hear you clearly. I can't stop. "

Grandpa continued to teach: "Man, is it necessary to cry over such a trivial matter? "

I believe that when faced with a child who starts crying for no reason, everyone will. Just like Grandpa Qiang Bao, I think the child is coquettish, pretentious, unreasonable, and even thinks that the child is trying to gain attention. But from the perspective of a child psychologist, children's crying is much easier to understand.

First of all, the three-year-old child may be going through the "stubborn period"

Remember the above, Qiang Bao inserted the straw into the milk by herself because of my "lack of hands" On behalf of, caused by crying? This is actually an obvious manifestation of the "stubborn period". After entering the age of three, the awareness of independence gradually increases, and there is also an "obsessive-compulsive disorder" to build a sense of order. Sometimes, things that are as trivial as sesame seeds and mung beans in our eyes are just matters of principle in the eyes of children.

Secondly, crying may be an accumulation of emotions, not a specific event.

Careful parents may find that their children are particularly prone to crying during a certain period of time, such as a friend and a friend two days ago. A friend took her baby out to play, and her little girl cried and fussed because "the air was too cold." A friend said: "My daughter has been having a rough time recently, please don't mess with her!"

Sometimes emotional breakdown is not caused by a certain incident, but by the accumulation of stress over a long period of time. This also makes sense with children. The amygdala in the brain becomes more sensitive when it is under long-term stress. If life suddenly changes, or if you need to face tasks that you have never had before, your children may have a rough time. At this time, parents need more patience, comfort and guidance.

Finally, crying may be directed at "someone"

Grandma and grandpa discovered that Qiang Bao would cry more fiercely if I was present. They attribute this to "you're used to it."

For the baby, the mother is of course the person who can bring the most sense of security. Just like many children are extremely mischievous in front of their mother, but if they are taken care of by their grandparents, they become good children again. child. Grandma and grandma will say, "You can't be good if you are not here!" But in fact, children need someone who can make them "unbehaved", be their true selves, and open their hearts to release their emotions.

Everything must have a reason, and the same goes for crying. It is a way of expressing inner emotions, and to a certain extent, it can release and relieve emotions. However, when a child cries, the first thought that flashes through the minds of parents is "Stop crying!", but they are afraid that constant soothing will "spoil" the baby. So there are the following stupid operations.

Type 1: Use fear to make children stop crying

This is the most common method used by parents, and it is also a situation that our generation will encounter when they were young.

When the child is crying, the parents will shout in a high-octave voice: "Shut up!" or raise a hand: "If you cry again, I will beat you!" There is also a more subtle way of threatening: "If you keep crying, I will beat you!" Mom won't like you if you cry. "

This method will make the child think that crying is wrong, and this wrong concept may stay with him throughout his life.

In many cases where tears can be used to strengthen connection or soothe emotions, I swallow my tears hard and even think it is a shame to cry in front of others.

The second method: Reasoning with the child to stop crying

For older children, parents may say to him: "Don't cry, what's the use of crying? Crying can solve the problem." Is it a problem? " Different from the above "crying shame theory", this is a typical "crying useless theory", which believes that when you encounter a problem, you should solve it immediately, and crying is useless. But in fact, only when you are emotionally stable can you use the most efficient way to solve problems, and crying is just a good way to calm yourself down. Many people are so angry that they throw themselves into a river because of trivial matters in life, or they are so desperate that they understand their own situation. In fact, they can still survive by finding someone to cry for a few times. Children who have been taught that crying is useless will naturally gradually lose this "tool".

The third type: distraction

A friend once told me about his wit. He said: "Every time the child wants to cry, I point to the sky and say, look. The plane. He looked around and forgot about crying. "But this is not a good idea. We avoid the child's crying and the child's emotions, so this power cannot be found in other ways. Venting means slowly accumulating and affecting the child's psychological development. What's even more troublesome is that he has learned to "ignore emotions" from us. When he grows up, he may be as efficient as an emotionless "robot", but as mentioned above, once the accumulated emotions burst, it will lead to Various psychological problems.

The fourth type: desperately sympathize

Some parents who see this may say: "Okay, if the child cries, I will try my best to comfort him!" There is a word called Gong. Fire, this method is called Gong Lei, Qiang Bao's grandmother did this. For example, when Qiang Bao fell down and cried out in pain, his grandmother immediately picked him up and said, "The baby is so pitiful. I didn't want to go out today." It seemed like she was trying to relieve the child's emotions, but in fact, she was helping to amplify the child's emotions. Over time, he would carry this "emotional magnifying glass" with him wherever he went, crying even when flowers fell and when the sun set.

The reason why "crying" becomes a problem is because in our parents' minds, it is not good for children to cry, and it is good to laugh. But there are no good or bad emotions, every emotion has its role. When children cry, it is a good time to learn to control this emotion, and "crying" is also an important topic in emotional intelligence training for children aged 3-6. So how to do it?

Step one: Face your child’s emotions

When they cry, you can pat your child on the back or stay with him quietly. Without saying too much, just look at him with gentle eyes. Let your children know that mom and dad pay attention to your emotions.

Step 2: Empathic "***affection"

While waiting for the child to slowly calm down, we can express the meaning of "understanding the child's feelings". Here is an effective way to recommend: You can recall how you felt when you had an emotional breakdown as a child, and how you slowly adjusted. By removing yourself from the situation, your child will be more receptive to your suggestions.

Step 3: Help the child categorize crying

When the baby is emotionally excited, the baby cannot think rationally, so reasoning is of no use. When the baby calms down, we can teach them to classify crying, whether it is sad crying, angry crying, embarrassed crying, or ashamed crying.

Step 4: Instruct children how to "stop when enough is enough"

In addition to letting children understand what's wrong with them, we also need to teach them how to stop. Allowing yourself to release your grief does not mean wallowing in it.

Parents can share their own experiences. For example, I cried for a while, took a deep breath and told myself: "Let's deal with the problem." "It's not a big deal."

Cici has something to say:

During growth, many of the problems children encounter do not appear inexplicably, but are opportunities for growth. From this perspective, parents themselves can first be more patient and view behaviors such as crying and rebellion more positively.