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What is a marriage without words, sex and love?
The "three-no marriage" is wordless, sexless, and loveless: no words to say, no arguments to quarrel, and no love to do.
This kind of relationship is a silent harm to women; it is an endless torture to men.
When encountering this kind of situation, pessimistic people always shirk it as: marriage is the grave of love.
However, (excluding betrayal, domestic violence and other factors), what leads to the death of a marriage is actually the "laziness" of both parties.
Because marriage requires management, if you are lazy and do not manage it, you will get this result.
This article contains practical methods for managing a marriage. It is full of useful information. It is recommended to read more.
01
There is a concept in the Bible called the "Four Horsemen of the Doomsday". Professor John Gottman, who is recognized by the media as the "Pope of Marriage", once used this concept to explain the causes of the Three Wus. Four Factors of Marriage.
Criticism, contempt, defense, and cold war are the four horsemen of the demise of marriage.
① When your spouse does something wrong, you only blame him for the thing he did wrong. This is called criticism;
② When your spouse does something wrong, you not only blame He did something wrong and criticized him personally, which is called contempt;
For example, breaking a bowl.
"You must be more careful next time to avoid getting hurt." This is criticism and concern.
"You are always so stupid and can't do such a small thing well. What else can I expect you to do?" This is contempt and humiliation.
Contempt is to subconsciously search for, amplify, and attack the most vulnerable points of a partner, using it to hurt and humiliate the other party, causing psychological destruction to the partner, in order to express a sense of superiority and obtain some psychological compensation.
If a husband and wife regularly despise each other, it is not too far away from the demise of the marriage.
Then comes the defense. The despised party starts to defend himself and starts to quarrel with the other party, and the conflict starts from here.
In the end, the cold war began. You ignored me and I didn’t want to see you. We wanted to keep each other clean. From then on, the relationship began to decline and entered the grave of three-no marriage.
According to surveys, 67% of first-time couples will divorce within 40 years of marriage, and half of these divorces occur in the first seven years. Therefore, the key to repairing a marriage is not how you handle your differences, but when you don’t. How do you get along when you argue?
02
My client Sister Jun, after giving birth to her child, she and her husband had a "three-no marriage" for five years. Although they did not break up, But her appearance of being exhausted both physically and mentally is still unforgettable to me.
She was married, but this marriage only left silence with nothing to say and consumption with no love to do, swallowing her up bit by bit like boiling a frog in warm water.
The following is her true marital status:
It has been 5 years, and she has moved from a small house of 60 square meters to a high-rise building of 100 square meters. The furnishings at home, the height of her children, and the scenery outside the window , these are all changing, the only thing that hasn’t changed is the indifference between the two of us.
At first I would take the initiative to talk to him, but my husband would just stare at the phone and mutter perfunctorily. Gradually, he didn’t even bother talking. We were each busy with our own things, like two people. A roommate.
"A person's loneliness is not loneliness. A person looks for another person, one sentence finds another sentence, which is the real loneliness."
Outside, you have to pretend We are very happy to let others know that we are doing well.
But my heart is always suffering, and I am always struggling with a question. I have been really unhappy in the past five years, so what am I insisting on? Who can pay for my misfortune?
The only reason that keeps me going is probably that I don’t want my parents to worry, I don’t want my child to become a member of a single-parent family, and I don’t want my child to have low self-esteem because of my divorce, and even have low self-esteem as he grows up. The queen hates me, so she keeps making do with it!
"Middle-aged people who are having a hard time and can't live without each other, lose not to love, but to the piece of flesh that fell from their bodies"!
Perhaps everyone has what they consider to be reasonable reasons for escaping, such as "for the sake of the children", "for the sake of the elderly of both parties", "taking into account the other person's face", but for individuals in a marriage, this is It is really hypocritical to shame marriage in the name of marriage.
I am more willing to accept Bing Xin's words, "Marriage is the beginning of love that combines soul and body."
If you want what your marriage will be like, you must make changes based on the present.
03
According to John Gottman’s theory, the recipe for cracking the four horsemen of the marriage apocalypse is 5 steps, combined with the action secret of change—five hours a week Improve the quality of your marriage. I believe that as long as you are willing to make a small investment, your marriage will undergo huge changes.
I guide Sister Jun to learn (readers with the same distress suggest collecting it and applying what they have learned):
(1) Understand - people will change, and so will their spouses after marriage. As you continue to grow, you should always maintain an understanding of each other. This is the first step to making your marriage strong.
For example: You can play a mutual understanding game with your lover, ask each other questions, and increase mutual understanding.
What was the most unpleasant experience in childhood? What was your most recent moment of true joy? What's the best way to relieve stress when you're sad? What is his ideal? What difficulties have you faced at work recently? What is giving him/her a headache...etc.
The husband was a little repulsive at first and didn’t even know how to answer.
I suggest Sister Jun not to be anxious and communicate step by step, starting with a small problem every day.
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