What are the latest funny quotes?

1. My dad and a few friends went out to drink in the evening. Halfway through the drink, a man crawled out from under the tablecloth. The whole table was so frightened that they stopped talking. They only heard the guy say: Don’t be afraid. Let’s drink at noon. Too much and didn’t leave. You continue...

2. The teacher asked me to write an essay. The title is "A Corner of the Campus", which is to describe the scenery of a certain part of the campus. I believe everyone has written it when they were young. The second-rate brother wrote: Today I picked up a dime while playing on campus. This is a corner of the campus and I can't take it. . .

3. I lost money again today, and I remembered what happened last time. In the summer, I lost 300 yuan after getting off a taxi. A righteous young man behind me told me that I was picked up by a middle-aged woman riding a bicycle in front of me. As I was chasing her, I saw her stuffing money into her underwear. I was speechless.

4. The two old men next door are twins. They are 68 years old and their surname is Wei. At that time, the countryside was poor and parents wanted their children to be rich, so they named them to make gold and silver. Wei Shengjin, sanitary napkins... Someone asked him how he got this name. He said that there were no sanitary napkins when he named it, and he didn't change it now that he is old.

5. Although there have been endless news about "suspected zombies that eat people" recently, I still feel that I am weak compared to the cook aunt in the university cafeteria. When I was in college, there were two groups of meal aunties. One group would ask you with a smile: "What classmate do you want to eat?" The other group would impatiently say: "There are so many people behind you, which one do you want to eat?"

6. The boyfriend taught his girlfriend to drive, pointing to the car and saying: "This is the gear lever, the one in the middle is the brake, and to the right is the accelerator pedal..." The girlfriend said angrily: "Don't say so many words at once, okay? ? Teach me how to drive first, and then learn the rest later!" 7. Xiao Ming said to his friends: "My father is very fierce and beats people, but my mother never beats me." The partner said with envy: "Then your mother must love you very much." Xiao Ming replied resentfully: "Not necessarily, as long as I disobey, my mother will hand me over to my father."

8. I was shopping with a buddy when I saw a beautiful girl in front of me suddenly dancing, jumping and shouting. My buddy turned to me and said let’s go quickly. The girl in front of me was a psycho. I said no, let’s see what’s going on. Ah, why did you suddenly go crazy? My buddy whispered to me to run away. I just flicked the cigarette butt on her head and it fell into the back collar...

9. I used to go out to eat with my best friend and boyfriend, and I would worry about trivial matters. I had an argument with my boyfriend. I yelled at my boyfriend, if you treat me like this, I will definitely make you regret it! My best friend stood beside me and said: Yes, marry him! Let him suffer for the rest of his life! ......... Sisters, who are you helping...

10. Man: I like you, can you be my girlfriend? Woman: But I already have a boyfriend. Man: It’s okay, I can wait. Woman: You don’t have to wait any longer. I will never be sorry to my boyfriend. Man: What if your boyfriend falls in love with someone else? Woman: Impossible, he is not interested in other women. Man: I know, but he has become quite interested in me recently.

11. When I went to buy water, I just took out five yuan, but the gust of wind blew it away. I looked everywhere and couldn't find it, so I calmly took out another five yuan and threw it away deliberately. It depends on which way the wind blows... So I lost ten yuan.

12. I just went to the supermarket to buy cigarettes and bought a random popsicle. At this time, there was a little loli next to me who kept looking at the popsicle in my hand. I immediately asked, does the little sister want to eat? The little loli thought. I said, then give me a nice shout. That little loli said "husband" without hesitation! ! ! !

13. A certain person liked the piano very much, but he had no achievements for many years. One day, he knelt before God and prayed, "God, please make me like Beethoven, even if Just a little bit of resemblance is fine! A few days later, he became deaf...

14. I went to the bank to do business this morning. I heard a woman yelling at the lobby manager... I'll report the loss and return it myself. Do you know how precious my time is? Can't I send someone to bring my ID? Are banks so humane? You tell me. What documents do I need to prove that I don't want to come? I can probably get it all.

I guess the lobby manager was very angry... He said coldly... Death certificate... I burst out laughing...

15. When I was in high school, I was the last in the class and never came to school. cybercafe. But the strange thing is that he comes to every exam and never misses it. Later we discovered that before every exam, the second-to-last student in the class would go to the Internet cafe to give the last-to-last member a 10-yuan membership and beg him to take the exam. .

16. Once on the bus, I met a child who asked me: "What does the old, weak, sick and disabled mean?" I ignored him. He turned back to ask his mother, and his mother replied: "It means mentally retarded." As a result, the child looked around and said to me: "Uncle, sit down..."

17. Stomach discomfort , ran to the school infirmary. I said: Doctor, my stomach is very bloated! Doctor: Open your mouth and take a look. Feeling bored, he asked: Are you looking at the tongue coating? Doctor: Take a look at your teeth. Doctor: Only good teeth are really good.

18. A woman filled out the household registration form and filled in "10" in the "number of children" column and only filled in the word "harvest" in the "children's name" column. After reading it, the household registration officer told the woman to fill in the names of all her children. Woman: All ten children are called "Harvest." Household Registration Officer: Then what do you call them? Woman: Their last names are all different.

19. One day I was playing at a friend’s house. His 3-year-old son was watching Journey to the West and suddenly asked: Dad, am I flying out of the stone like Sun Wukong? I just heard my idiot friend say without even thinking: How can you do that? Your dad drilled the hole and you climbed out on your own. As soon as I finished speaking, a pillow flew into my buddy's face...

20. When Brother Pi came back from a business trip, he was afraid that his girlfriend Hongxing was cheating on her, so he immediately asked the apartment manager for information. "Has anyone come to see my wife? For example, a man you don't know, or someone else?" "No, only a milk seller came the day before yesterday." "That's it, then I'm relieved." Brother Pi He breathed a sigh of relief. "But he hasn't come down yet!"

21. I was walking on the road home from get off work today when I saw a beautiful mother beating a young lady on the side of the road. The young lady was crying loudly. I thought to myself: The mother is too cruel, why would she beat her child like this? I wanted to come forward and talk, but as soon as I took a step forward, I heard the mother say again: "You pulled off my clothes and pulled off my bra on the bus. You are really good at serving the public!" After listening, I left silently.

22. I just called 10086 to inquire about business, so I picked up the call out of boredom. Asked: Sir, I see that your mobile phone bills have fluctuated greatly recently. Is it because you are traveling long distances in other places or because you are using other numbers? I answered: I was dumped... The customer service lady couldn't help but laugh.

23. During math class. The teacher asked his deskmate: "How much is 150 + 100?" The deskmate said: "Two hundred and five, teacher!" The teacher said angrily: "How much?" Knowing that something was wrong, the deskmate immediately corrected him: "Teacher, two hundred and five!"

24. During math class. The teacher asked his deskmate: "How much is 150 + 100?" The deskmate said: "Two hundred and five, teacher!" The teacher said angrily: "How much?" Knowing that there was a problem, the deskmate immediately corrected: "Teacher, two hundred and five!"

25. Dad said: "Science and technology are developing very fast. Human beings have realized their desire to land on the moon." After hearing this, my son said: "When I grow up in the future, I will go to the sun." Dad said: "The sun is very It’s so hot that people can’t even get in.” Er laughed and said, “Dad is so stupid, why don’t I go there at night?”

26. The mother took her son to the hotel to eat. Suddenly the son asked his mother. : "Mom, why do those people wear masks?" The mother wanted to tease him and said, "Because the boss is afraid that they will eat secretly!" The son said thoughtfully: "Oh, then I understand why my mother always I also wear a mask when cleaning the toilet! ”

27. I found a job posting small advertisements on telephone poles for 200 yuan a day. But it was still not enough money, so I found a job tearing off advertisements in a cleaning company... In this way, I could earn 400 a day.

You don’t have to go out yet...

28. When I was a child and I committed a crime, I was already prepared to be beaten. Then my dad kept standing at the door looking at me with blazing eyes and didn’t move. I was waiting. I got impatient and said, "Hurry up, I have something to do!" My dad laughed and said, "Hey, he looks like me, let's go play!"

29. I went to the bank this morning. Do business. I heard a woman yelling at the lobby manager... I'll report the loss and return it myself. Do you know how precious my time is? Can't I send someone to bring my ID? Are banks so humane? You tell me. What documents do I need to prove that I don't want to come? I can probably get it all. I guess the lobby manager was very angry... He said coldly... Death certificate... I burst out laughing...

30. Last night, my three-year-old niece rushed up to me and took a bite of me and said: Uncle, last night I I had a good dream, did you think it would come true? Me: Of course! Little niece: I dreamed that my uncle bought me a lot of colorful clothes and a lot of food! . Me: Girl, eating too much sugar will cause tooth decay. Can you change it? Little niece: But I still dreamed that my uncle was getting married. Girl! Let's go to the supermarket!