Do you want to make rules with your partner?

1, the key principle of the rule

Anger should be used on the blade. A girl's emotional anger comes casually, but she won't leave. Men are immune to your anger from now on, and your anger is no longer threatening. Another girl won't get angry easily. Suddenly, after a man did something, the girl changed her face completely and used her emotions to tell the man frankly. Do you think men will pay attention to this?

Anger returns to anger, and rules should be used on the cutting edge, not to highlight the bottom line, but it is just car-scrapping, and behavior has no deterrent. Therefore, distinguish the "primary and secondary contradictions" in feelings.

Rule out problems that can be solved by methods first (for example, men forget to say good night, are not romantic, and return messages every second). There are too many things that are more important than these details in a long-term relationship. Leave the cards to those important issues that must not be violated (cold violence, unclear boundaries between the opposite sex, no effort, verbal pressure and disrespect for you, etc.). These are all things that need you to be tough, even if you have a big fight, you should set the rules.

Instead of always losing your temper on small things, it is endless: on big things, it is men who forgive everything and compromise again and again. The more cards, the lower the utility.

2. Two misunderstandings in establishing rules

There are two points to note about making rules: First, there is a principle in making rules-you should be in love.

The display of standards, not just the description of very small behaviors (such as the hard execution of all kinds of information, good morning, good evening and so on). ) Too many rules are too thin, which will make the other person breathless and scare away some boys in the early days of love. Secondly, it is very important to make rules: instead of giving each other a bunch of rules in the way that the boss orders his subordinates 1234567.

But in a relaxed and happy atmosphere. For example, this boy shows a little care in getting along, so you can say, "I am impressed by your care ~ I think a boy with this personality is very attractive." Or use someone else's emotional example: "My best friend quarrels with her boyfriend, and her boyfriend often keeps silent. I especially hate this kind of boy. I hope we can solve the problem together in the future. I like this feeling very much. "

For example, at the beginning of the relationship, maybe the boy will report it to you intentionally or unintentionally, such as what I am going to do. This is also the time to make rules easily and say, "Oh, I feel safe!" " Boys will understand, oh, this is the sense of security that girls want, it's not that difficult ~ and then they will form the habit of habitual reporting.

Compared with: "I feel insecure, you must give me a sense of security when you fall in love with me", such a rule is strong and not specific.

For another example, you are a relatively passive and emotionally slow girl. At the moment when the other person tells you, you can tell the other person: "I am emotionally passive and slow, but it doesn't matter." I'm lucky to meet you. You are very active, very careful and know how to take care of me. "

In fact, you are setting a framework and rules for him. Therefore, the rules are conveyed in a relaxed atmosphere, which provides a reference standard for the other party to get along with you, and lets the other party know what you like and what kind of good feedback you will get if you do it; Where is your bottom line? What will happen if you touch it? Set up rules from the beginning for him to abide by and guide him to love himself.

This is a good time to make rules.

In the early days of love, it is a good time for sweet "rules". At this stage, what you like him to do and what you don't like him to do can be subtly implanted in his mind at this time. Think about it, you have been in love for two years, and suddenly you tell your boyfriend that I like flowers and send them to me every month. He may just think that you are puzzling and suddenly make such a request.

But if a boy just starts chasing you, you say, "I like flowers very much. Every time I see flowers, I feel very good and happy." Maybe he can send it to you every day. And when he is with you, he will remember that you like flowers, even if you don't send them every day, you can send them from time to time.

Similarly, you hate men's cold violence in the face of quarrels: when watching TV together, you can tell your boyfriend in time that the cold war is something I can't handle, and I think men who take the initiative to solve problems are the most attractive! That kind of behavior is simply childish ... if one day we quarrel and you ignore me, I will be particularly disappointed and angry. "

In this way, I implanted a taboo in my boyfriend's brain that "she hates men avoiding questions, and I can't be cold-blooded", and then I will pay more attention to this. Therefore, in the early stage of communication between the two sides, we should "establish" the timing before the emotional problems occur as soon as possible, and repeatedly emphasize them in a subtle way.

4, the focus of the rules

The point is not to explain yourself, but to pass the rules. When encountering contradictions, many girls' first reaction is to write a short composition, describing at length how hurt and uncomfortable they are, and subconsciously defining themselves as "victims". Then over and over again, sensational, cut yourself to the other side to see, always feel that men will feel distressed, will profoundly change, but often counterproductive.

Cutting your own pain out to the other side can't show the bottom line to the other side, nor can it make him remember your honest requirements and understand your rules. You can only let him see through your vulnerability and only feel your emotional catharsis.

Always show your weakness in front of each other, and you will be easily manipulated. Not only can't solve the problem, the other party will also have a psychological advantage, and even start to "bargain" for your pain point bottom line. Therefore, the correct rule is to inherit rule one-"What you do will make me happy, what you do I can't accept, what you can do in the future".

5. Timeliness of rules.

Rules are not established at once, but the attitude you convey in the handling of trivial matters and minor contradictions, which is established through the deterrence of your actions. Let the other person know your behavior pattern and your bottom line standard in daily life, instead of trying to tell the other person "what kind of person I am and what I can't accept" after the incident.

It is useless to convey it subtly at ordinary times, instead of waiting for big principled issues to express the bottom line. Therefore, everything that makes you feel uncomfortable and disrespected at this moment should be thrown out of your framework in time, and resisting compromise all the time will only make the other party pay less and less attention to your feelings. In the long run, unless you leave him, no matter how tough you express yourself, he will think that you are just "lip service, but actually you dare not do anything".