Anxiety about reading parenting books

After publishing an article, I often get some depressed replies:

Every time I see such news, there is always something unspeakable in my heart-

In order to be a good mother, sometimes, we push ourselves so hard.

Some of my parenting articles are my own practice and sharing, of course, they are all better parts I have done. You know, in my life, there are chicken feathers everywhere.

Some things, just my perception and thinking, such as "how to look after children", can't be completely done, so I can only say that I have been practicing all the way.

If I said that it caused everyone's frustration, it was really not my intention.

So I will also make some clarification in my reply-"Yes, it is too difficult to do it completely, and I can't do it either. Let's take our time together! "

Or: "If you are really tired, don't force it, have a good rest!" " "

I don't mean to comfort everyone, but I really think it's a good thing to be a mother, and it's good to reflect actively, but don't be obsessed with perfection.

We love children and sympathize with them; But love yourself more and pity yourself more.

When we know that we need high-quality company, we really don't have enough energy; When we yell at our children, we are wrapped in great guilt; When our children have problems and we are deeply in self-doubt, I hope there will be a voice in our hearts-"honey, you really did a good job!" "

1. "Parenting articles always make me feel bad."

In this information age, which mother has never doubted herself? This is really a common phenomenon.

A good friend of mine is trying her best to be a mother.

But she often chats with me and keeps telling me-"I don't think I've done enough", "I'm anxious" and "I'm afraid I've done something wrong"

A few days ago, she contacted me again and told me that she had closed 90% of the child care service. I feel the world is much quieter these days.

Yeah, right? In such an era when flow is king, the title of sperm absorption often has a "threatening" constitution, such as:

If I didn't study parenting all day, I would be nervous from time to time by these articles and opinions.

My friend is a working mother, who is away from her children most of the time every day. She is busy with her work and has no time to learn parenting.

I already have a sense of debt. Seeing all kinds of parenting information, I feel that "the long road to motherhood is full of traps."

But raising a child is not like holding a vase in your hand. If you are not careful, it will break, and there is no remedy.

There is really no need to be afraid of being a mother. People are constantly self-correcting and growing all their lives, aren't they?

Friends also said that the title of the article has been read too much, and it has gradually become desensitized.

But many articles are well written, but they always feel bad after reading them.

I know that sometimes, when I read some parenting books, I will have the same "self-attack":

Why do others have so many ways to be mothers, always have patience and handle problems with ease? I can't?

This feeling of "I am terrible" surrounded me until I found that some people seemed to see me the same way, and I suddenly realized.

I realized that when people look at me from a distance, they usually only see my side.

Even sometimes, she projects her wish to be a "perfect" mother to me, and I just accept her expectation as a carrier.

It can also be seen that in the matter of motherhood, we all long for perfection. No one is an exception.

In addition to the pressure brought by information overload, the whole society and culture also have too many expectations and requirements for the role of "mother".

Once upon a time, we were just an idolized girl who stayed at home and ate snacks while her husband "waited" on her parents.

But after ten months of pregnancy, the world will "naturally" reverse!

What's wrong with being a mother? I'm just a mother, not a god!

But after a long time, we seem to be used to this environment.

When no one "kidnaps" us, we are all "kidnaping ourselves"-when we spend time doing something for ourselves, we feel sorry for our children.

In addition, whether a mother is good or not has a set of socially recognized standards:

Living in such a utilitarian aesthetic, a link derailed and self-doubt came.

Of course, you may say that this is what the previous generation of parents were worried about.

That our generation, we have to add that if the child step by step, we will also doubt-will he live out of himself?

I am not a complainer, but these are real resistance to my mother's pressure.

They force us to feel "not good enough, not enough ..."

Secondly, our parents are the awakening generation.

More and more, we explore our own hearts, understand our family background, understand the educational methods, and understand the influence of the growing environment on a person.

We don't want to pass on the hurt and inadequate parenting methods from generation to generation.

We are exposed to too many advanced parenting concepts. For example: listening, affection, unconditional love and so on.

It is good to love children so consciously.

But we have never been treated like this since childhood, but holding the child like this is not a pressure for us.

In this process, there will inevitably be setbacks.

When we were young, we were used to crying and were ordered to stop, but when the child cried, we had to hold on to it.

Even when we are mothers, we are just ordinary people. After we can't stand it, we will blame ourselves for being "not good enough".

In fact, any parent will have a good or bad influence on their children.

No one can hurt a child's childhood forever.

On the other hand, as the poet Rumi said, "The wound is where the light comes in."

Sometimes, the "shortcomings" created by our imperfections are actually the resources for children to grow up-

When we are too tired to play games with children, children know how to take care of our feelings and needs.

When we can't help losing our temper and then apologize to them to show our understanding, they understand the inevitable conflicts between people and how to reconcile them, and also understand that a good relationship is resilient.

From this perspective, children don't need us to be perfect, but they need a real mother.

After realizing the importance of education, we will believe too much that "good parents" have a vital influence on a child.

Before, my signature was: "Be a good parent first, then be a good child". Most of the time, it's true.

But if parents take this sentence as truth, it is actually problematic.

Because this ignores one thing-children, as an independent individual, have free will.

Recognizing this, it is not difficult to understand why some parents work hard and do their duty, but their children are cynical;

Some parents have been mediocre all their lives and have problems with their values, but their children are particularly outstanding.

Our kindness can't actually protect children's lives.

Because after all, we are two people, bearing their own life topics.

When attending the American game therapy CPRT (Parent-child Relationship Training) course, a classmate asked the teacher that a junior high school student suddenly said that he would not learn anything, and his parents were very anxious, and the control was also controlled. They talked very well, but the children just didn't learn, and there was nothing they could do. Is there any other way?

The teacher is an expert in parenting education, and she didn't give a way to reverse the overall situation.

It's just that the child has his own wishes, and we can't force him.

Parents tell them some better methods, but if they don't listen, it means they have chosen a more difficult way to understand these truths.

This is not our failure, but our children's choice.

This sentence, I believe, is very healing for most parents who pursue perfection.

Knowing that we are not omnipotent can let us put down our strict demands on ourselves and free ourselves from the pressure of parenthood.

The above is the pressure of being a parent that I have roughly summarized, and it is also the driving force that leads us to constantly pursue perfection.