Why do some people get angry, unhappy or think too much?

Are you a highly sensitive person? Answer a question before making a judgment. Suppose you were scolded by your boss, what would you do? Do you say "I quit" angrily and then wave your sleeves smartly, or bow your head and feel sorry for yourself, or calm down and think about what the problem is?

Obviously, it is not a good choice to overreact or deliberately avoid talking. People who can control their impulses and emotions and calm down to think are truly powerful people.

The author of The Really Powerful Man Can Control His Emotions is Dr Karen Hall, an American psychologist. He is the director of the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Center in Houston, USA, and a famous American Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) therapist. His original emotional management method has been popularized in Europe and America.

Through a large number of interviews, surveys and outpatient experience, Hall found that most people with high emotional sensitivity have some similar personality characteristics in the process of communicating with others, although their emotions will constantly change. In the book, Hall first introduces the characteristics and roots of highly sensitive emotions by combing the personality characteristics of people with highly sensitive emotions, and introduces the concept of "controlling emotions with mindfulness", and then expounds in detail the specific methods of controlling emotions such as identifying emotions, letting go of judgment, self-identity and overcoming loneliness.

This set of effective emotional management methods and specific practical strategies can help us make more wise choices and positive responses when facing various events in our lives.

We can't simply say whether emotions are good or bad, but we should find the skills to control emotions through the characteristics of different emotional expressions.

0 1

Emotional sensitivity is a gift and a burden.

Sensitive people have keen observation and understanding of nature. Those great writers who are famous throughout the ages, whether they smell the flowers, listen to the agitation of the pines, see the fruitful results, appreciate the whiteness of snowflakes, and write touching chapters such as "sneaking into the night with the wind, moistening things silently", can feel something.

High sensitivity is also the source of creativity. For example, an excellent product manager needs to have a deep sense of the products he designs: a few millimeters deviation in the position of a button will also affect users' clicks, and the layout of different pages will also affect users' attention. Only in this way can we recombine scattered things in an unusual way and make products that change the world.

However, sensitive people have their own pains. They can easily feel the changes in the surrounding environment, whether it's the feeling of hurting spring and mourning autumn, parting from friends, or even watching the sunset, it can trigger their sad mood. They are very good at capturing other people's emotions and are easily influenced by others' emotions. They will be happy because of others' happiness, and depressed because of others' melancholy.

Highly sensitive people will live very tired. They are usually very sensitive to rejection, and are afraid of affecting the relationship between two people when they should refuse others, so they dare not say no; When others say no to themselves, they will feel that they are not so important in others' minds, and even think that two people are no longer suitable for communication. In this repeated process, not only you will feel very tired, but also the people who associate with them will feel very tired.

Sensitive people often change their identities. Strong emotions will interfere with their likes, dislikes and values. For example, in a situation, they will feel sympathy, feel uncomfortable when they see small animals hurt, feel sad when they see other people's lives difficult, and feel angry when they see some ugly phenomena in society. However, they are often cruel to people who are opposed to these phenomena, and they can't wait to eliminate them all at once, thus going to the other extreme.

High-emotional sensitive person usually has two ways of expression: emotional reaction and emotional avoidance, and most people's performance is in between.

People who react emotionally will lose their temper with others if they are not satisfied, and they will have a big fight with each other at a little friction. They will jump to conclusions without listening to other people's explanations, and sometimes even have serious consequences. People who escape from emotions are always unwilling to face the feelings and situations that make them uncomfortable. When they encounter difficulties, instead of trying to solve them, they want to divert their attention by overeating, shopping and traveling crazily, or getting drunk.

Sensitive emotions are both a gift from heaven and a great challenge. You can't just say it from one angle, but you should master the skills of managing emotions in different situations. However, if you want to learn to manage your emotions, you must first learn to identify your emotions and find their roots.

02

Correctly identify your emotions and find the root of them.

When the child cries, the mother will think of many ways to make the child happy. First, see if he is uncomfortable wetting his pants, and then judge whether he is hungry ... When all efforts have no effect, he accidentally bumped into a toy and made a sound. The child finally giggled.

People who have been parents may have similar experiences. Only by finding the emotional root of the child's temper can we find a solution to the problem. Maybe we think it's easy for adults to know what they want, because what has emotions and what kind of emotions. However, this is not necessarily the case. Not only do we often confuse different emotions, but we also don't understand why we have emotions.

Excitement and excitement are often confused with happiness and happy emotions. Many celebrations will make us excited, but if we spend a lot of time and energy in preparation, we may feel unhappy in the end. Just like the wedding customs in some places, huge ostentation and extravagance, complicated ceremonies, not to mention wasting people and money, but also tossing the bride and groom. Everyone is very excited and excited about it. There is nothing wrong, but are the newcomers really happy? Actually, not necessarily. Maybe a simple and relaxing trip will make the couple happier.

The reason why emotions are difficult to identify and find the root cause is that when emotions are combined with their own ideas, other emotions will arise. For example, if a child's grades are not good, some people will feel sad, because it is getting farther and farther away from his idea of wanting his child to succeed, and then he may express this sadness with anger and give the child a few lectures. If a child talks back or even quarrels with him, the whole family will be shrouded in a depressed atmosphere, which he may find very painful.

From sadness to anger to pain, we often let the initial small emotions evolve after a series of thoughts and actions, and finally develop into other larger emotions. When we look back and think about what happened, we have already forgotten how it started.

If you don't know the source of emotions, you will jump to conclusions. For example, when you are talking to a friend, he suddenly frowned. what do you think? Ordinary people may think it's nothing, but sensitive people, people in high spirits, may think that his friend is frowning because he is not satisfied with what he said, and even don't want to listen to his chatter here at all, so as to further guess what his friend's reaction is. In fact, when friends frown, they may be thinking about what they said, or they may feel the difficulty of things, or even the light reflected from the window just shines on their faces.

After recognizing our emotions and finding the root of them, we need to focus on the current situation and let go of critical thinking in order to express our emotions correctly.

03

Let go of critical thinking and express your emotions correctly.

If you want to express that you prefer one of Coca-Cola and Pepsi, you can say two things: "Pepsi tastes better than Coca-Cola" or "I prefer Pepsi to Coca-Cola."

In fact, these two sentences mean the same thing to you. But for the listener, there may be two completely different effects. Because the first sentence is crucial, it is to express an opinion. If the listener agrees with you, he may nod his head. If the audience likes Coca-Cola, he may object. The second way of expression, whether your audience likes Pepsi or Coca-Cola, will be irrefutable to your words, because you are only expressing your personal preferences and have nothing to do with other people's ideas.

We may not argue about such trivial things as why drinks are better, but in real life, questions like which team is more worthy of liking and which is more effective, Chinese medicine and western medicine, can make friends quarrel endlessly, even to the point of parting ways.

Reducing the use of critical sentences can reduce disputes, because many emotions come from these critical thinking or language. Everyone will be judged more or less by the outside world from birth, such as this child is smart, that person is honest, and this guy has dirty hands and feet. We will also judge ourselves, for example, I am not good at this field, I can't speak in public, I am unlikely to get better grades and so on.

Don't think that this kind of critical language is just talk. Many times, it will even accompany us all our lives and make us develop in the direction of being criticized.

In a famous experiment, a psychologist tested the intelligence of several classes of students in a primary school and formed an intelligence test report. He gave the teachers a list of students, and then told them that the students on the list had outstanding intelligence and would have greater development in the future. However, since the experiment is not over yet, please keep it a secret and don't take special care of the students.

In fact, all the students in this list were randomly selected, but a miracle happened a few months later, and the students' grades in this list improved obviously. Obviously, this list has influenced the teacher's evaluation of students, subtly passing on feelings, words and deeds to students, and making students more confident.

Since evaluation will affect our life and development, can we advocate that everyone make a positive evaluation? This method is also not desirable, because everything has two sides. Since there are good ones, there will be bad ones, just as you evaluate the white ones best today, and you will feel less good when you meet the black ones tomorrow.

What should we do if others judge us? The best way is to assume that others are nice to you. For example, your friends openly point out your shortcomings and make you feel embarrassed. Of course, you can think that he just wants to make a fool of you, but you can also think that he is using this method to get rid of your shortcomings as soon as possible. In this way, you don't have to be grateful for it, at least you won't feel depressed.

Putting down critical thinking and looking at the things in front of you objectively does not make you blindly optimistic, but makes you get rid of the binary thinking of either good or bad, and makes your vision go further.

Everyone has his own way and perspective of perceiving the world, and has his own reasons for being happy and unhappy. The external environment is changeable. If our emotions are too sensitive, we will get tired of fluctuating around the changes in the world, which will not only make us suffer, but also make people around us suffer.

However, social people, since they can't completely eliminate their emotions, should think about how to control them. In The Really Powerful Man Can Control His Emotions, Hall also tells other ways to control emotions, which can help us make more effective choices, rebuild harmonious interpersonal relationships and enjoy the gifts brought by emotions.