How do couples talk well and communicate effectively?

How do couples talk well and communicate effectively?

0 1 It's attitude, not problem, that is at issue.

0 1. Quarrel is about attitude. If one day, I write a classic quarrel quotation, then one sentence will definitely rank first:

"Can't you talk well?" Quarrel is a matter of attitude. Once the decibel is raised, the content is irrelevant, as if attitude is the first problem to be solved. People who say this always feel:

You should talk well, don't shout, don't worry, don't blame, and speak calmly so that I can communicate with you. The person who can say this sentence is actually avoiding the question. I don't want to discuss the content, just the attitude.

If you can't communicate, you can only be angry.

But in fact, people who don't like quarreling can't accept not their attitude, but their rejection.

But when we quarrel, we are denying you. It's like he calmly denied you, and you can accept it. Why doesn't the other party talk easily? You can't accept it because I deny you calmly. Is the other person's expression blocked, but he has the impulse to continue to express, and then escalated into a roar again and again? 02. Being angry is an easier way to communicate, so why can't people who quarrel talk well? The analogy of this question is: can't you make a million dollars a year? Can't you go to heaven?

I can't. The reason why people who quarrel can't talk well is because they really can't talk well at that moment. You don't think he wants to? Just like you think people don't want to make millions a year?

The ability to speak well.

When a person is emotional and dissatisfied with you, he still speaks very well. This is not an ordinary ability. This ability requires: good logical ability, good insight and good language ability. Good communication and emotional skills. This is more difficult than making millions a year. It is not easy to express one thing clearly. It is even more difficult to express your inner activities and feelings of injury clearly. This requires thinking, dealing with it, realizing what's wrong with you, and thinking about how to say it in order to understand it. This process is anti-human speech. First of all, you have to figure out what's wrong with you. Secondly, you should be careful, express sincerely and not attack. But being angry is different.

04 psychological needs behind anger

Don't think, don't think, just take the kidney. As soon as adrenaline is secreted, words come automatically. No logic, no reason, no sincerity, no consideration. Follow the feeling of adrenal gland, flowing smoothly, in one go, without ambiguity.

How simple.

A person who has no ability to sort things out with himself will automatically choose to talk in an angry way. Anger is to pile up the original materials, or to put it mildly, to process and carve them into works of art.

Of course, the original materials are not as beautiful and comfortable as works of art, but the production of original materials is more in line with ordinary people without artistic training than the production of works of art.

Therefore, being angry is a more relaxed expression than talking well.

The angrier you are, the more you need to be understood.

When people are angry, they are in a state of psychological hunger.

If a person is dizzy from hunger, he can't talk about it. At this time, he was eyeing the food and eagerly wolfed it down after getting it, which was in line with his state.

The mode of getting along in a vicious circle

Only when a person is not hungry can he speak calmly and politely.

When a person is angry, what is his inner hunger and thirst?

Understand; Understanding

When a person is angry, he really needs to be understood. He wants to be understood so badly that he has to speak hard, speak hard and speak hard. But I can't keep up with my expressive ability, so I have to say it angrily.

The angrier a person is, the more eager he is to be understood.

But the angrier he is, the less you want to understand him. The less you know about him, the greater his desire. The greater his desire, the angrier he gets. A vicious circle.

Once again, he repeated the trauma that he didn't understand from childhood.

At this time, you ask him to talk well, just like you ask a hungry person to cook carefully.

04. Know yourself and yourself, and you will be invincible.

At this time, only being understood can calm his anger.

If you don't understand, you can't communicate.

For example, you say, "You look really wronged."

This sentence can alleviate 60% of anger, and if you add what he has wronged, it can alleviate 80% of the anger of the other party. At that time, he had the possibility to talk well.

So one of the effective strategies to make others not angry and speak well is to understand him. And express it for him

Accurately speaking, you should not only express yourself in the communication situation, but also take on what the other party can't express and express for him.

But most people can't treat angry people like this. This is what counselors train all day.

This is the process of intelligence

When babies first learn to express themselves, they can't recognize and express their inner activities. All he knows is crying, getting angry and fighting. Then at this time, my mother will express for him:

Baby, are you angry about XX?

Baby, are you wronged because of XX?

Emotion is not recognized.

At this time, the baby recognized it. Oh, I'm angry and I'm wronged. That's it. He has the ability of language expression.

We express it because someone expressed it for us. So we learned to recognize. However, many mothers' own grievances have not been recognized, and she has no ability to identify the baby's grievances.

When the baby is crying and angry, he will only say "Oh, oh, be good, don't cry". When you are in a bad mood, you will say, "It's wrong to cry, it's wrong to hit people, and it's wrong to be naughty."

She just wants to do something about crying. But I seldom care about my children, why do I cry?

These steps will help you speak better.

If you want to learn to speak well, you only need to learn two steps:

Find out what your problem is.

Express it to the other person in a language and way that he can understand.

The first ability is self-awareness, what is my emotional experience and why I have such an experience. This is also the process of knowing yourself. The second ability is empathy. You need to know what expression he can accept in his position and what his trauma is. This is also the process of getting to know others.

08 conclusion

Only by knowing ourselves and ourselves can we talk well.

Missing one of the two steps will make people want to express anger.

If you want angry people to learn to speak well, you need four steps:

Find out what your problem is. At the moment, what is my expectation for him and what is my experience. Recognizing this step will give you the ability to put down your needs for a while.

Put aside your needs for a while. You need to empty yourself to understand each other's world.

Understand each other neutrally. What happened to him? What injury did he get? Why is he so angry? What are his expectations? When you enter his body from a neutral perspective and feel his feelings, you can understand why he is so angry.

Express for him, are you particularly injured because of XX? Do you want me to do XX?

Then you might be able to talk well.