Requesting very funny jokes and movies

Father and Son

Childlike Innocence

Who is Lao Tzu

Son: Today I am taking a history test and asked who Lao Tzu is. I wonder. Can't get up.

Father: Idiot!

We meet every day and still forget! It’s me!

Not paying attention

Son: Dad, please turn down the recording, I am doing my homework.

Father: You don’t use your ears when doing homework, why are you so inattentive?

Infectious diseases

One day, Dad and Ming Ming got up very late because they slept in. Dad didn't go to work, and Ming Ming didn't go to school either.

Dad said: "I don't go to work, and when people ask me, I just say I'm sick. What about you? What do you say to the

teacher?"

Mingming said: "If the teacher asks me, I will say that my father's disease infected me!"

Off topic

Father: Son, the article I wrote for you Has your composition been awarded an excellence award?

Zi: No, the teacher said it was off topic.

Father: No way! Isn't the title of the composition "My Dad"?

Zi: Yes, but you are writing about my grandfather!

The fight

When the father saw the conduct comments on his son’s report card, he became furious and slapped him:

“Who are you fighting with?”

"I've never fought with anyone?"

"You're so stubborn!" "Pah", another slap. "Not only do you fight, but you also 'often mingle with your classmates

. Will the teacher wrong you?"

You want to be an explorer when you grow up

Son :Dad, I want to be an Arctic explorer when I grow up.

Dad: Great.

Son: Now I want to start training immediately.

Dad: How to train?

Son: Please give me one yuan a day to buy ice cream, so that I can adapt to the cold weather in the Arctic in the future.

Wonderful explanation

Son: Why do some medicine lists say "compound", "single prescription" and the like?

Dad: "Compound prescription" takes effect many times, while "single prescription" takes effect once. Son

Tzu: Then "compound" and "unilateral" are not mentioned?

Dad: It works without eating.

"I'm not a student"

Dad: Bastard! The teacher taught you not to curse, so why are you scolding again?

Son: You were scolding me just now!

Dad: I’m not a student.

Old Dad

A primary school student asked his father:

"Dad, can you close your eyes and write your name on the paper?"

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"Of course, my child. I can even close my eyes and write a few lines of poetry."

"I don't ask you to write a few lines of poetry, Dad. Please close your eyes. Sign here (notice of test results)

Sign your name! ”

Child’s gift

Son: Dad, I’ll give you a compass.

Dad: Son, keep it for fun, I don’t need it.

Son: Don’t you often get lost when you come out of the bar?

The Sun and the Earth

Son: Dad, does the earth revolve around the sun?

Dad: Of course, kid.

Son: So, what about when there is no sun?

Is the earth still that big?

Son: Dad, the teacher said today that the earth is more than 5 billion years old!

Father: Fool! When I was in school, the teacher said this, now that you have grown so big, is the Earth still this big?

Son:?

Throw it far

Son: Dad, you must throw the grenade very far, right?

Father: Son, Dad has never thrown a grenade!

Son: But yesterday, you threw that rotten eggplant in our house from the window onto the opposite road.

Nothing

Son: Dad, the thief is looking for the wallet.

Dad: Stop minding your own business!

Son: Steal it from you!

Dad: Huh?

Mother and Son

Lin Fei

Kissing Grandma

Son: Mom, why do you only ask me to kiss grandma and not grandma?

Mother: Mom was born by grandma, and you were born by mother, so you should kiss grandma, do you understand?

Son: Got it! In the future, I also want my son to kiss his grandma and not his grandma! Mother: You?

White hair

Son: Mom, why do you have white hair on your head?

Mom: Because you were disobedient, my mother was angry and her hair grew white.

Son: Oh, I understand. No wonder grandma's hair is all white.

The same dad

Mom: How come the essay "My Dad" you wrote is exactly the same as that written by your brother?

Son: Because we have the same father!

No need to buy new books

Mom: I have worked so hard for you to study, but you don’t study hard, let’s see how much money you can spend to buy them next semester

Books!

Son: Don’t worry, mom. The teacher said that I am going to repeat the grade, so I don’t need to spend money to buy new books.

Question

Mom: How is your teacher?

Son: Not so good, he doesn’t seem to understand anything.

Mom: Really?

Son: Really. Otherwise, why would he keep asking me questions during class?

Arithmetic is easy to learn

Mom: Xiao Ming, I have been in school for half a year. Which subject do you think is easier to learn, Chinese or arithmetic?

Son: Arithmetic, of course.

Mom: Why?

Son: There are many Chinese words, but only 10 words for arithmetic.

Only I can answer

Son: Mom, the teacher asked a question today, and only I can answer it in the class.

Mom: Awesome! Good boy, what question did the teacher ask?

Son: The teacher asked: "Who broke the classroom glass?" Others remained silent, but I was the only one who answered loudly: "It was me!"

Good-hearted mother

Xiaohong’s father wants Xiaohong to brush her teeth every night before going to bed, but Xiaohong always can’t do it.

One night, her father urged Xiaohong to brush her teeth, but she had no choice but to do so reluctantly.

The kind-hearted mother knew about it, and quickly stuffed a piece of "White Rabbit" toffee into Xiaohong's mouth, and said heartbrokenly

"Xiaohong is good! Eat the candy quickly, From now on, when you brush your teeth every night, your mother will give you a piece of candy."

Fill in your place of birth

Son: Mom, how do you fill in the place of birth? Mom: It’s where you were born.

Son: Oh, I understand, place of origin - maternity hospital.

Grandma’s name

Mom: Xiaobao, what’s your grandma’s name?

Son: My grandma has many names. My aunt calls her old woman, my father calls her old thing, and mom,

you call her old immortal.

Teacher and student

Small boat

Fflammable materials

Teacher: What are flammable materials?

Student: My dad.

Teacher: Why?

Student: When the masses raise their opinions, he immediately gets angry.

Late

Teacher: Xiao Ming, why are you always late for class every morning?

Student: Because every time I walk to the corner in front of the school, I see a sign that says

“School—Slow down.”

No exam

Student: Teacher, I am very interested in "Follow Me".

Teacher: What a good student. Can you tell your classmates why you are interested?

Student: Because "Follow Me" never takes exams.

Thermal expansion and contraction

Teacher: Who can tell me why the days are so long in summer and so short in winter?

Student: I know, because objects expand with heat and contract with cold. It is hot in summer, so it is long, and it is cold in winter, so it is short.

The difference between electricity

Teacher: Could you please tell me, what is the difference between civilian electricity and lightning?

Student: Lightning does not charge electricity bills, but residential electricity does.

One day

Teacher: Xiaogang, you always play truant. When will you stop playing truant?

Student: Sunday.

"Ba" and "Be"

Student: Teacher, can the words "Ba" and "Be" be used together?

Teacher: No.

Student: "Put the quilt up", isn't it used together?

Panpan’s answer

Teacher: Panpan, what unit does your father work for?

Student: In the temple.

Teacher: Is your father a monk?

Student: Yes! My dad often said: "I am a monk and ring the clock for a day."

Treble and Bass

Teacher: What are tenor and bass?

Student: When my father scolded my mother, he used a tenor voice, and when he spoke to the director of the housing management office, he used a bass voice.

Stamp

Teacher: Didn’t you show your test paper to your parents?

Student: I’ve seen it.

Teacher: Then why is there no parent stamp?

The student pointed to the cane whip scar on his arm and said: "The seal is here."

What is the biggest?

Teacher: What is the biggest in the world?

Student: The eyelids are the biggest.

Teacher: Why?

Student: Once you close your eyes, the whole world is covered by it.

The tooth that grows latest

Teacher: Which tooth grows latest in humans?

Student: Dentures.

Can’t come down

Teacher: Please answer, what thing cannot come down after it rises?

Student: Price!

Dali Kanmaner's humor

Huang Ruiyun

Trust the donkey

Kanmaner went to Kaziz* to file a lawsuit , he first gave Kazi a donkey.

He naturally won.

After the trial, Kanmaner said to Kazi: "I feel relieved when I enter your door. I know that

I will get a fair judgment."

< p>Kazi said: "I have always been fair. Of course, I still want to thank you for your trust in me."

"That's not necessary," Kanmaner said, "It's not Kaze I trust. Zi, but trust my donkey

"

*Kazi: Judge.

The value of lying

Kanmaner and the king went out hunting together, and wild geese flew across the sky from time to time. The king said: "Kanman'er, do you believe it? I can shoot down a goose with one arrow."

"That's nothing," said Kanman'er, "I He can shoot down three with one arrow."

They performed immediately. The king shot an arrow, but not a single goose was shot down. Kanmaner also drew his bow and nocked an arrow, and shot up. He didn't shoot down a single goose, let alone three.

The king said: "You didn't shoot down any of them, Kanmaner. You are good at lying!"

"Lies, no matter how big or small, have the same value." "Kanmaner said, "Your Majesty, you don't have to be modest."

Which time is the happiest?

The king often goes out to race horses. He asked Kanmaner: "Will the people be happy to see me participating in horse racing?" , How could they not be happy? Once I saw them being so happy."

The king was very happy and asked: "It was the time when I saw me win the award. Right?"

"No, it's not," Kanmaner said, "it was the time I saw you fall off the horse."

Please touch the top of your head.

p>

Kanmaner went to Gorkha to pay homage to the living Buddha Lhakpa. Many good men and women lined up in a row, asking the Living Buddha to touch their heads.

Because it is said that if the Living Buddha touches their heads, they can

live long lives. Kanmaner also got in and asked the Living Buddha to touch it.

Kanmaner came back and told Bahar that the living Buddha touched his forehead. He was beaming with joy as he spoke.

But a few days later, I heard that the living Buddha died suddenly.

“Ah!” Kanmaner slapped his head and said with great regret, “I forgot at that time and didn’t ask the Buddha to touch his own head too! ”

The water here is shallower

Kanmaner returned from hunting on the other side of the lake. Bahar watched his boat arrive at the lake from a distance, but it was missing

People come ashore. Bahar ran to take a look and saw Kanmaner groping around in the water.

Bahar asked: "What are you touching, Dali?"

"My shotgun fell into the water!"

Bahar I went into the water and touched it with him. I touched it for a long time, but couldn't find it.

"Where did you drop it?" Bahar asked.

Kanmaner pointed to the center of the lake and said: "It fell in the middle of the lake."

Bahar said angrily: "It fell in the middle of the lake, so what are you touching here? "

"The water here is shallow and easier to touch," Kanmaner said.

Kanmaner also told lies

The king called Guli Bahar and asked: "Some people say that your husband Kanmaner told lies to me< /p>

Do you know?”

“I don’t know,” Bahar said, “but I think he may have told you lies.”

The king said: "Didn't you boast that Kanmaner is the person who tells the least lies in the world?"

"I did say it," Bahar said, "but you want Know that anyone who doesn't tell lies will tell lies in front of people who can never tell the truth."

The eagle in Tianshan and the one outside the shop. Ant

Kuang Jinbi

A naughty man went to the Tianshan Mountains and came back and boasted in a shop about the eagles in the Tianshan Mountains

With open wings , three to six feet long.

At this time, Niu Pi Ke’s youngest son was playing with the ants outside the shop. Afanti saw him and walked out

biting his ear, said a few words and then came back. Niu Pi Ke felt strange and immediately called the child into the shop,

asked:

"What did Afanti say to you?"

"I'm here Play with the ants." The child replied, "Uncle Afanti said that the ants must not be seen by your father, otherwise your father will turn the ants into elephants again!"

When the people in the shop heard this, they laughed so hard.

That dog is illiterate

Yu Yan

In ancient times, a monk taught people: "A vicious dog that bites people has a bite on the soles of its feet. Writing the word "tiger" on it will scare it away from biting people. "One day, someone encountered a vicious dog and asked someone to catch it. According to the monk's words,

, wrote the word "tiger" on the sole of its foot, and then let it go; unexpectedly, as soon as he let it go, the man was bitten on the leg by a dog. The man fled in panic to the monk who taught him and angrily accused the monk of talking nonsense.

The monk said calmly: "That dog is illiterate."

Banquets

Shaohua

The director of a certain bureau (let’s call him Director Mu) often worries about attending too many banquets:< /p>

The superiors are here, please; the subordinates are here, please (because when I go down, I also invite the subordinates, and if I don’t ask, it will appear that the superiors are too arrogant

); the planning and audit departments are here, please Please; the finance and taxation departments are here, please; those from the assessment cadres

please; those from the technical cooperation department, please; those who purchase raw materials, please; promote products, please; and negotiate with foreign businessmen,

< p>Please; colleagues in the industry come to visit and study, please; deal with water, electricity, and gas departments, please; ask for "project approval",

invest, please; retired veteran cadres set up companies, please; celebrate the establishment of the bureau X anniversary, please; "May 1" not inviting

It is not enough to express congratulations on Labor Day; "October 1" not inviting is difficult to express the joy of employees?

In short , Banquets are everywhere, banquets are omnipotent, banquets are God, banquets are magic weapons! "With a glass of wine, policies are relaxed", "Three glasses of wine in a row, friendship spreads everywhere"? But, a banquet? Devil!

“Banquets are the devil!” Director Mu thought through gritted teeth: Banquets will delay time and affect work.

One of these is banquets. Banquets should be socialized without saying anything and pretending to be friendly. Saying words and doing things that go against one's conscience is the second reason; having too many banquets will ruin your stomach and harm your health, the third reason is this?

"Banquets, banquets, It's not a banquet, it's disgusting, disgusting! It's tolerable, but it's unbearable!" Director Mu said angrily.

In view of the 30 orders and 50 orders of the superior department that "no treats are allowed", and Director Mu's

personal experience: "Forbidden! Forbidden! From now on, this bureau will firmly prohibit it. All banquets!”

But it’s easy to say, but it’s difficult to really make up your mind to ban it. The current situation is: on the one hand, everyone

hates it, and on the other hand, everyone is doing it. What would you do if all banquets were suddenly stopped and someone picked on you or gave you a shoestring in your actual work? We have to think of an appropriate solution!

As the saying goes: When you frown, the plan comes to mind: Director Mu combines the superior departments, subordinate departments, finance and taxation departments, planning and auditing departments, publicity and organization departments, raw material supply Departments, product sales departments, technical cooperation departments, living and welfare departments, railway departments, water and electricity departments, public security police stations, and street kindergartens were all invited to hold a large-scale meeting An unprecedentedly huge banquet.

Director Mu raised his glass:

“Dear leaders, comrades, and friends! Our bureau has held many banquets in the past, and I would like to welcome everyone

Thank you for interrupting us! Let’s have a drink so that no more banquets will be held in the future!”

“Cheers!” Cheers.

Dishes from the day before yesterday

Bricklayer

The old lady walked into a vegetable store with a vegetable basket, looking at the vegetables on the shelves and asking the salesperson

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Staff: "How are these vegetables? Are they fresh?" The salesperson did not answer, but asked: "Are the vegetables you bought yesterday okay?"

"Yesterday's food was okay, but not as fresh as the day before yesterday."

The salesperson said: "Then buy it quickly, this is the day before yesterday's food."

Back Pain

p>

Peng Wanzhou

In the waiting room, the doctor shouted: "Yao Yao Yao Hao."

A man with glasses patted an old man.

The old man went in, and the doctor asked: "Why didn't you agree for a long time?"

"I am number 111!"

"'Yao ' and '一' mean the same thing." The doctor was impatient, "Where does it hurt?"

"What hurts?"

< p>The old man pointed to his waist.

"Hey, this is low back pain!"

"Don't you mean '庺' and '一'?"

Comrade Dad

Chen Naixiang

A young man who was studying abroad wrote a letter to his father asking for money.

The beginning of the letter is as follows:

"Comrade Dad:

The money I brought has been used up, please give it to me quickly

Send some living expenses?”

After reading his son’s letter, the father wired one dollar.

After the son received it, he was so angry that he immediately wrote a letter to blame his father: "Why do you only send one dollar?

Don't tell me to drink the northwest wind!"

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The father wrote back to his son: "Dear child, please don't get angry. Think about it: There are hundreds of thousands of comrades in the country. If every comrade sends you a letter like me, One dollar, you will never spend all your life

”

See if it’s true

Bricklayer

Wei! Wei caught a little turtle and took it home to keep in the pond. Mom asked: "Weiwei,

Why are you catching turtles?" Weiwei said: "A scientist said that turtles have a long lifespan and can live for more than 500 years.

I don't know this. I want to use this turtle to verify it myself to see if he is right."

My mother smiled and said, "That's interesting. Do you want to live to be 500 years old?"

p>

Weiwei tilted her little head and asked: "In this case, the scientist who said this can live to be 500 years old

?"