Marriage is like a mirror, it will reflect your truest appearance.

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I still remember one afternoon, I was killing time in my study when the screen of my mobile phone suddenly lit up-

"I plan to get the certificate tomorrow, and I am inexplicably panicked." At first glance, it turned out to be your WeChat.

This chick, is she anxious before marriage? "Why?" , I know perfectly well past ask.

Sure enough, you said you were a little afraid of premarital marriage. "How did I get married? I feel so ignorant. "

"Ha ha, it's normal, because I want to leave everything I know and rely on and start a family with another person. Explain that you are going to start a new stage of life. "

"But I'm afraid I can't get it."

"Can't go to school. You see, you are not a good teacher. "

"Ah, that's it."

"Marriage is like this."

Although I said a lot of words to comfort you and encourage you, I can still feel your anxiety and anxiety through the screen.

Soon, you will have a sweet and romantic wedding. That night, when I carefully looked at the wedding photos you sent in the group, your cute appearance wearing a white princess dress and two braids when you were a child unconsciously flew out of the black box of memory and clearly emerged in front of me.

The beautiful princess who waited quietly on the stone bench at the door when she was a child finally found her own prince. I even began to imagine you walking on the red carpet with a smiling face.

Thinking of our ignorant childhood, immature teenagers, and mixed feelings of sadness and joy, I still can't help crying secretly when I think of it, and then send my sincere wishes.

But what should I do? I don't seem to have decided what to send my blessing. Get married and have a baby early? A little tacky. Years are quiet, love each other forever? Well, not so good. Or, I hope you will live happily together forever like the prince and princess in the fairy tale?

No, these are not my wishes.

You know, marriage is not a fairy tale. I don't want to avoid its worst appearance, and I don't want you to be scared by its bad appearance from the beginning.

I just want to tell you that what I have seen is the truest look of marriage. This is probably the best blessing I can think of.

02

I still remember that on the day you got the certificate, you printed a little red book in your circle of friends and attached an article: Get a pass to the besieged city.

I smiled and left a message below: How can it be called a besieged city?

A friend then asked: what should I call it? Harbor, I answered confidently.

I saw Fromm's The Art of Love the other day, and suddenly found that maybe we were all wrong.

When I was a child, maybe we all dreamed of such a love: on a sunny day, in a casual corner, we met the destiny takes a hand. Suddenly, your heart beats faster, your cheeks are flushed, your whole body is hot, and then you fall in love hopelessly. Except for each other, the whole world disappeared.

However, not everyone can experience such thunderous love. With the growth of age and the passing of youth, under the urging of the voice of the elders and the pressure of public opinion that "women should marry when they are older", we found the right person under the introduction of relatives and friends around us, and we got married. We comforted ourselves by saying, "Just find a man who can live."

The yearning for beautiful love in youth is also swallowed up by parents' short stories and pots and pans in marriage.

But there are always one or two moments, for example, after a fierce quarrel between husband and wife over a trivial matter, the longing in your heart will pop up inadvertently, making you sigh: he is not my ideal person at all! Why should I marry him? !

Then, you can't help thinking: if I meet another person, today's life may be completely different.

Thus, everything became the footnote of Eileen Chang's classic quotation: the red rose I was thinking about became a touch of mosquito blood on the wall; In other words, the white rose that was once "so bright at the foot of my bed" has become sticky rice on my clothes.

This is for men and works for women. Therefore, people can't help sighing that marriage is a besieged city. People outside want to rush in, while people inside want to rush out.

Of course, some people don't think so

They think that marriage is a fence, which can at least protect themselves from external storms. At least in the face of cruel reality, I have an ally in the same situation as me.

I have to admit that this is the idea of many women, and so am I, because I feel insecure, so I need a strong backing. Marriage gives just such a sense of stability. Like a ship that has been drifting for a long time, it finally found a harbor to anchor.

03

However, why do I think it is inappropriate to regard marriage as a "besieged city" or a "harbor"?

That's because, when we think like this, it's easy to attribute all the problems in marriage to external conditions, especially the person who entered the marriage with you hand in hand.

It is easy for us to mistake love for a feeling that has nothing to do with a person's maturity, but only needs to devote ourselves wholeheartedly.

We feel that we have fallen into an unfortunate marriage because we met the wrong person and because we were blind at the beginning. However, we forgot to ask ourselves: Do I have a problem?

I am a person who can't listen to harsh words, especially my close lover. But I happened to meet a man who was occasionally "mean".

I remember a while ago he went to work in a company and needed a flower name. Although I thought of some names at first, most of them have been registered.

No choice, he had to stay alone in the study, hoping to find a nice and meaningful name from the book. I looked at him and said with a smile, "Look, don't you usually read more books on humanities?"

"After reading so much, I can't think of a word!" He didn't look back and said coldly.

My blx broke all over the floor in an instant, and without saying anything, a person silently withdrew from the study.

I felt very sad at that time. Think about it. Somehow, I remembered those "mean" words he had said before. As a result, the more I thought about it, the more sad I became, and I thought he was an indifferent person.

What is more irritating is that he has no idea why I am angry! At this time, you really want to hit him.

At first I thought it was because he didn't understand. However, when I was sad again and again because of his "mean" words, I began to ask myself: What's the matter? What's the matter?

Later, I found out that this actually stems from my inner inferiority and sensitivity, so I am always vulnerable to unintentional words from others. Who is to blame? Of course, you can communicate with each other the way you talk to each other, but only you can be responsible for the root cause.

Even if you can make the other person stop talking, can you control everyone around you not to say anything? Obviously not.

In marriage, such stumbling is inevitable. However, it is precisely because of this that you can see the hidden pain in your heart and have a chance to cure it.

I used to keep it in my heart when I was unhappy, but now I know that if you don't tell me, the other party won't know. Let's tell each other the truth: I'm a little unhappy today because …

I think, at this time, your guy will definitely give you a big hug and gently say to you: Dear, come and tell me what's going on.

In this way, a husband-wife war that broke out originally may end in a happy ending.

04

It's up to you to turn marriage into a cold grave or a garden full of flowers.

If you are yourself, then you may marry almost anyone; If you can't be yourself, it doesn't matter who you marry.

In Wu Zhihong's psychological column, I heard such a classic case:

A lady with good conditions in all aspects often goes to work with a black face. In a word, her life is really bitter. She got married twice in a row, and the result ended in her husband's domestic violence.

She was humiliated in her marriage and decided never to get married again. Because she thinks men are not good things!

However, later, I couldn't stand the eager pursuit of a good man and entered the marriage again. Unexpectedly, shortly after marriage, she was beaten again!

What's going on here? Is it really fate?

In fact, the thing is this: they quarreled over a trivial matter of cooking, and the more they quarreled, the more fierce they became. When the quarrel was inseparable, the woman suddenly said to the man, are you going to hit me? Just like my dad hit my mom!

The man replied: How is it possible? It's strange that I quarreled with you like this today. I don't usually quarrel with women.

Unexpectedly, this woman suddenly shouted: You just want to hit me! Fight! Fight! I'm not a man if you don't hit me!

Guess what, when a man found himself slapping the woman he loved, he was shocked! He didn't even understand what had just happened.

In fact, all this is the realization of women's self-prediction-"men are not good things." Although she had a miserable life, she also proved that she was right: you see, as I said, men are not good things.

This is called "self-confirmation" in psychology, that is, when people identify something, they will unconsciously look for evidence to prove that their actions or words are what they think.

Maybe each of us has such a prediction. This comes from your childhood experience, and it has been strengthened in the later period, becoming a concept that you didn't realize yourself.

Usually, when we get along with colleagues and friends, we will have a certain degree of restraint and "disguise", but because we get along with our lovers day and night, we will not always bring them with us, and some problems may emerge unconsciously.

At this time, don't avoid it, but try to ask yourself: What happened? Why am I angry or sad? Maybe, when you calm down, you will hear your inner voice.

Everyone you meet in your life, especially your other half, is actually helping you grow.

Now, I think you will understand that marriage is like a mirror, which will reflect your truest appearance. What are you? You will manage your marriage.

May you have the courage to face your heart and may your marriage be happy.

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