Self-report of disease

I'm sick. No, I'm sick. No, I'm sick. It seems that saying "get" can be removed; And "you" seems to be born in the bone, grow in the body, and can't be pulled out.

? cold blooded

Except for the Spring Festival, other Mid-Autumn Festival and Dragon Boat Festival have not been taken seriously, which may be related to my "cold-blooded" personality. For everything around me, I always lack integration and drift away. The atmosphere of the crowd and the joy of the festival seem to have nothing to do with me. I am always at a loss when facing people. I sometimes envy their enthusiasm and yearning for festivals, because I can feel the happiness brought by festivals. For me, the Mid-Autumn Festival is no different from tomorrow.

As for my own festival-birthday, I am also quite indifferent. Anyway, I'm getting older every year, so why celebrate? At least up to now, I haven't had a real birthday. Students will order cakes, have dinner and eat, sing and watch movies, bask in friends outside and receive blessings from a group of people. My birthday has never been like this. In other words, I have never had a so-called birthday; But I don't want this. I don't envy it, but sometimes I feel it. Liveliness is theirs, and I just want to keep my happiness.

Maybe I am a cold-blooded person, not only cold-blooded to my surroundings, but also cold-blooded to myself.

Erqian

What I hate most in my life is money, but what I want most is money. I want to do too many things, but I have no money; Too many ideas are killed by money; Too many beautiful things have been destroyed by money. If you ask me if I need money to realize my dream, I will tell you yes. Who stipulates that intellectuals should be poor, who says that poverty can be happy and wealth cannot be happy? ! Why is the world still awake for so long under the influence of such deceptive words? I once told my family that I wanted to meet my high school classmates. But far apart. I said, what a waste of money. Mother also declined, saying that she could go again later if she had a chance. In fact, I understand that the opportunity is to have money in the future. I didn't expect friendship to be diluted by money. It is so vulnerable to money or material, and money is the last straw to overwhelm it. what can I say? I sighed helplessly, and there was no other way, unless the family suddenly had money. I think if I had some money at home, I might not do this, maybe it would be better, maybe it would be worse, but I would never do this. At least I can achieve something or get something; Of course, those things and things are positive for me.

What is money? I don't know. Anyway, I fucking hate it, just like killing my loved ones; But I really like the girl I like. What a piece of shit.

? Three diseases arrival

I have been ill for two or three years, and even I feel incredible. It is a miracle that I am still alive after being tortured to this day.

I think being able to sleep is simply the happiest thing in a day. Because for a person who can't extricate himself from insomnia and even wants to die, sleeping should be the greatest luxury and fantasy. If I can stop losing sleep, I will die for five years, because you really don't know how much pain this has brought me.

When I got this disease, I just couldn't sleep for two or three hours. The more I want to sleep, the less I can sleep. I tossed and turned, exhausted to the extreme, and my psychological defense line collapsed. I felt great despair about the whole life and the whole world, and finally I felt a little sleepy and fell asleep wearily. For a long time, I slept in this state. I think that kind of maddening pain can only be deeply understood by people in the same industry. It's really worse than death. If you die, you'll be free. Because of insomnia, my depression is deeper and my inferiority is heavier. God has made me bald for half a head, so I dare not stand in the crowd and make me unstable. I really want to die sometimes. All kinds of misfortunes make me miserable. I keep them in my heart. I really want to hug a woman and cry; But in the end, I can only hold back and put it in my heart, because no woman will let me hold it.

Later, my insomnia slowly eased; Although I will sleep for a long time, it has been shortened a lot and will not hurt as much as before.

But another kind of insomnia has been tormenting me since the beginning, tearing me apart, disintegrating me, crushing me, and making me feel pain and despair forever. Let me dare not have any extravagant hopes for my future life, and my depression and inferiority are deeper and heavier.

Have you ever heard of insomnia after a nap? Yes, that's me. Insomnia at night actually won't make me too entangled and worried. Even if sometimes I can't sleep for three or four hours, I can still sleep for a few hours in the end. With these hours, I still have a lot of energy to study, do things and play the next day. As long as I sleep, I'm fine. What? Eight hours' sleep is impossible for me. However, the insomnia caused by a nap has suppressed my torture to the extreme, because if I don't take a nap, it will be more painful than death. I hate being born in the world. I can't wait to die right away, and there will be no such people in the world.

Maybe you think it is too exaggerated, too serious, or even impossible. What is more painful than death? I'm sorry, that was my nap insomnia.

As soon as I finished lunch, after a while, my eyes began to be sore, swollen and painful, like a hot needle poking me in the eye; If you want to wear glasses at this time, your eyes will feel a fire boiling and burning, which will blind and burn your eyes. At the same time, my head was at a loss, as if there were stones weighing heavily on it, which made my consciousness dull. The only thing that can end all this pain is sleep. Don't need anything. As long as I can sleep, even if I am half asleep, even if it is only twenty minutes, even if it is only ten minutes, my pain can be swept away and thrown thousands of miles away. As long as I sleep, my eyes are comfortable, just like a spring water that nourishes me. I am refreshed and feel really cool. I feel that everything is beautiful and there are many things waiting for me to do. But I can't sleep! I often lie in bed for two or three hours without feeling sleepy, but my eyes and head are tortured to death. I want to dig out my eyes and break my head. Sometimes I will hit my head against the bed and the wall like crazy, and I can't wait to stun myself and have a concussion; I really don't want to endure that kind of pain for a second. Even if my hand is broken and my leg is broken, I can accept it Anyway, it is broken and disabled. But if I can't sleep after a nap, I will waste the whole afternoon because my eyes and head are swollen and I can't concentrate on anything at all.

So I hate my body more and more. I accept baldness and short stature, but why should I lose sleep at noon? ? Even if I can't sleep, why force my eyes! ? I don't know why my eyes began to hurt like that as soon as I finished lunch. There may be a tumor in it, or something may be pressing my nerves. The biggest worry every day is whether I can fall asleep at noon; I don't know how much time I wasted because of insomnia at noon; I feel very disappointed in my life because of insomnia at noon. I will never know whether tomorrow will be a complete day. God pity me and let me fall asleep at noon.

God has given me all kinds of misfortunes and made me feel inferior. I can't get rid of it and I can't get rid of it. Leave me alone. I dare not dream of her ideal. If I can stop losing sleep at noon, I really want to trade my life for five or ten years. How long will it stay with me? I think it should be a lifetime; Then I may suffer forever. In this way, I will continue to suffer.

? Four therapies

I think sleeping and having sex are simply the two happiest things in life. Unfortunately, I have neither. I can't get the latter now because I can't and dare not talk about love. But sleeping, such a beautiful and happy thing, is really an unattainable luxury for me. I want to have it again, even if it is not as good as before, but as long as it is better, I will feel great joy and hope. So I decided to treat this disease.

I don't remember how many times I went to the hospital and changed hospitals back and forth, but in the end it was the same as before, and there was no improvement. I remember once, I went to a relatively small hospital, and the doctor was shocked when he heard that I was insomnia, as if I had done something wrong. The nurses there are almost as if I owe them something, and they are indifferent. Another time, the doctor thought that I could be cured of insomnia at night, but even she said that there was no way at noon because the disease might not be cured by western medicine. So I quickly went to a larger Chinese medicine hospital.

I was going to say that I was ill, but there were three or four people in the clinic, and I was speechless at the moment. I was a little hesitant, saying that I had some difficulty sleeping, and I couldn't sleep sideways, because my chest hurts while sitting, and I said I couldn't sleep. The doctor was a little anxious and asked me if I had chest pain or couldn't sleep. He also said that his chest hurts and he can't sleep sideways. The doctor asked me to have a chest X-ray first, so I took the diagnosis sheet and prepared for CT.

I said that chest pain is actually a fact, and it has been more than two years. As long as you lie on your side, you will feel stuffy pain in your chest, and in severe cases you will feel suffocated; At the same time, even my ribs hurt Sometimes, when I can't sleep over and over at noon, I force myself to endure this pain and lie like that. Sometimes you end up being tortured to sleep.

Many people make me hesitate. After a while, I decided to give the diagnosis sheet to the doctor at the window. As a result, she said to pay first and then come back. I suddenly feel so stupid.

I walked slowly, checking the diagnosis list all the way. I have been asking myself, is this test necessary? I just want to have a good sleep, that's my original intention. I wandered around the hall, looking at the people waiting in line to pay the bill, at a loss. Finally, I didn't go to the exam.

Where is Wu Nai?

For this disease, I have been running around to check what is uncomfortable, like a headless fly, or I hope that my illness is really caused by the discomfort and pain here every time, or I really hope that there is something in my eyes and a tumor in my head, so that it can be cured. As long as it can be cured, I feel I can see hope.

But every time I am disappointed, every inspection is just self-consolation. Even in the end, I finally went to check my chest, but nothing came of it.

Physical pain cannot be cured, but it is faced almost every day. I dare not go too far or plan what to do, because I probably can't do anything. Often feel desperate, tired, at a loss, will cry. Living in this torment, I feel very tired, but I really can't control it; When it came, it was like a maggot gnawing at my body step by step, corrupting me and making me feel bouts of pain. The pain in my heart is beyond words. How's Naizhi? There is nothing to do, but I don't know.

? There are six now.

I hope I will be very successful in the future, but I have foreseen that the future is bleak, full of thorns, evil images and undercurrents. How to face the world and society, I don't panic, but there is nothing I can do. I wish I had jumped out of the stone, without any obstacles, just completely independent myself. But I am alone! People with flesh and blood, feelings and thoughts! I live very tired and exhausted. There are some things I don't have to think about, but when it comes, or when I have to face it, I am extremely painful. Just like I still feel like a person wearing a hat, I can talk and laugh with you, but when I take off my hat, I can't wait to hide in the darkest and most inconspicuous corner.

Perhaps doomed to failure; The only thing left is to explore the talent, and I don't see what he can bring. That's it. Let it be. Life is hard, life is not easy, the reality is cruel, and the future is not necessarily beautiful. I am optimistic, but always sad. This optimism and pessimism is my attitude towards life now.

Seven about death

"I live in a world as transparent and clear as ice and as sensitive as disease ... I feel more and more that' to live is to live' is really human sorrow. If we can be satisfied with eternal sleep, it will be a kind of peace and happiness for ourselves. "

This is a passage from Ryunosuke Akutagawa.

I think the rest of my life is long, but too long is also a kind of suffering. Deep pain is hard to get rid of, and death may be a good way to get rid of it. It's just that I won't do it yet, dare not and don't want to.