The jokes that can make me happy are urgent! Find a solution

1, a couple divorced for their children, and the wife confidently said, "The child came out of my stomach, of course it is mine!" The husband said, "Joke! This is complete nonsense. Can the money withdrawn from the ATM go to the ATM? It's not who gets the card! "

When someone saw the sea for the first time, he sighed: "The sea! Mom! " The words sound just fell and a wave came.

Come on, just hit him in the face, and the man said angrily, "Shit! Tell him he's a stepmother!

The monkey picked up a card and climbed to the branch to see what it was. Unexpectedly, a lightning strike hit it, monkey.

The son cried and said, "It turned out to be an ‘IP' card! ! "

4. The director and the * * * section chief take the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, You farted! The section chief said, I didn't put it there.

Yes Soon, the section chief was dismissed. The director said at the meeting: you can't afford to take care of big things. What's the use of asking you

In a fashion shop, I saw an impatient young man say to a beautiful girl, "Do you mind?"

Can you talk to me? "The girl asked curiously," Why? " "My wife has been in this shop for a long time.

When, but if she sees me talking to you, she will come out at once ... "Before he finished, his wife had already

Quickly walked out of the fashion shop and helped him away.

6. A gentleman urinated in an empty Sprite bottle while driving.

I rushed out of the car in traffic jam and tried to put the bottle in the trash can. I was stopped by a respectful * *. What's the sprite left in the bottle?

Then take a sip and show me!

7. If you miss the feeling, think: there is no salt in the cooking; Apples should not be too sweet; Smoke less; Forgot to bring money when shopping. Take one's time

Sometimes I miss you. When I have no time, I will take time to miss you. If I really can't spare the time, I will-do nothing but miss you!

My son sleeps with his mother every night.

Mom said: When you grow up, marry a daughter-in-law to sleep with your mother?

A: Hmm!

Mom said, what about your wife?

The son said, let her sleep with her father.

Dad said excitedly after listening: this child has been sensible since childhood!

9. A police dog saw an ordinary dog coming on the road and rushed over to ask it: I am a police dog.

you

What is this? The ordinary dog took a disdainful look and said, idiot, look clearly, I am plain clothes!

10, the symptoms of men having an affair: the company works overtime every day, never touches the housework, turns off the mobile phone when they get home and sends text messages.

Just delete it. I snore loudly in bed and often wear my underwear backwards. By contrast, three cases were suspected and four cases could be diagnosed.

1 1, panda's birthday. After blowing out the birthday candles, a friend asked him what he wished for. The giant panda replied.

I have two biggest wishes in my life, one is to cure my dark circles, and the other is.

Hmm! I just wish I could take a color photo, too. "

12, a couple in the park, the woman said she had toothache, the man kissed her and said it didn't hurt, then she said her neck hurt, and the man kissed her again, but the woman said it didn't hurt. An old lady next to him said to the boy, it's amazing. Can you treat hemorrhoids?

13, the male butterfly sings to the female butterfly: "You are my lover, a woman like a rose!" "After singing, I flew to pick roses.

Then there was a scream, and Mother Butterfly sang, "Honey, fly slowly, be careful of the thorny rose in front!" " "

14, the first day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river, caught nothing and went home.

The next day, the little white rabbit went fishing by the river again, but found nothing and went home.

On the third day, the little white rabbit just arrived at the river, and a big fish jumped out of the river and shouted at the little white rabbit:

If you dare to use carrots as bait again, I will kill you!

15, one day, a barber hit a sugar-coated gourd seller and went to the bureau of * * to ask the barber: Why did you hit the sugar-coated gourd? The barber said, * * *, I was perming my hair in the house, and he shouted "burn it" outside.

16, Husband: What time is it? Wife: Ten o'clock. Husband: Is it sharp? Wife: It's too early. No one else is sleeping! I mean, ten o'clock sharp? Wife: Eleven o'clock sharp.

17, the young couple fought and threw pillows downstairs. A beggar happened to pass by and was very happy. Then he flew away from the quilt. The beggar was ecstatic and cried upstairs with tears: Eldest brother, please, throw that woman down, too.

18, seven years after graduation, I finally took on a big project to build a 30-meter chimney. The construction period is two months, and the cost is 300,000, but it needs funds. It was finally finished at the end of last year. Today, people went to check and accept, and they were scolded to death, and they still had no money. Shit! The drawings are upside down, and people are going to dig wells!

19. A drunk accidentally fell from the third floor, attracting passers-by to watch, and came over: What's the matter? Drunk: I don't know. I just arrived.

The doctor asked the patient how he broke his bone. The patient said, I felt sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes with a telephone pole. A fucking asshole passed by and thought I was electrocuted, so he picked up a stick and gave me two!

2 1. The patient said to the dentist, "You really make money. You earned $3 in just three seconds. "

The doctor replied, "If you like, I can pull it out in slow motion."

22. "Narcissism" means that you must be reborn as a woman in your next life and then marry a man like me; "Despair" means that the restaurant ordered two dishes and ate the first one: "Is there anything worse in the world? ! "Eat the second" shit! There really is! " "Silence" means that the judge asks: Why do you want to print counterfeit money? The criminal said: I can't print real money.

23. The Weaver Girl came down to take a shower, got to know the Cowherd, and interpreted a love story that made the gods cry. This tells us that there is no chance to take a bath at home, and she must take a bath outside. .....

24. Xiaoming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, "There are many ants in the toilet." The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming. "What did ants say?" Xiao Ming looked blank ... and then said, "The ant didn't say anything ..."

25. Son: "Mom, I failed the math exam today." Mother: "Why, what's the problem?" Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6. " Mother: "That's right, and then what?" Son: "The teacher asked me 3*2=?" Mother: "Isn't this the same?" Son: "That's what I said. ..

26. A prisoner was shot. Bullets are produced in a county, and the quality is not good. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired ... the third shot ... at this time, the prisoner cried, "You strangle me, it's so scary!"

27. The father told his son a story: "Uncle told Xiaoyang to cut wood, but Xiaoyang cut down his uncle's favorite peach tree. Uncle was angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why? " The son replied, "It may be because Xiaoyang still has an axe in his hand, so he dare not scold him."

28. Men can't find a girlfriend, so they have to tell fortune. The fortune teller said: you are doomed to have no women in the first half of your life; Not that person's eyes lit up: then I should have it all my life? The fortune teller said, well, you will get used to living alone for the rest of your life.

29. Friends go climbing together. When they reached the top of the mountain, a girl shouted to the beautiful mountains and rivers: motherland! My mother! A boy who secretly loves her quickly shouted: motherland! My mother-in-law

30. A boy gave a classmate a nickname, called Fat Pig. The girl cried to the teacher. The teacher promised to criticize the boy. The next day, the teacher said in class, "A boy is so rude that he gives others nicknames casually. Can't others call him what? "

3 1. The kindergarten girl asked the teacher: Can my grandmother still be pregnant at the age of 80? Teacher: No. What about my 18 year old sister? Teacher: Yes. What about when I was eight? Teacher: No boy next to me: Hey, hey, I said nothing!

32. African black girls travel to Shanghai and stay in hotels. Fire in the middle of the night. The African woman ran out quickly. A fireman was surprised to see it and said, my god, it's all burnt, running so fast! !

33. Wolf cubs have been vegetarian since childhood. Mother wolf and father wolf racked their brains to train him to hunt. Finally, one day, Mother Wolf and Father Wolf were happy to see their son chasing a rabbit. The wolf cub grabbed the rabbit's fierce face and said mercilessly, boy, hand over the carrots.

Before the wedding, the groom asked the person in charge: How much does it cost to hold a wedding? The host said: the more beautiful the wife, the more money. The groom is embarrassed to give a dollar. The host was shocked, looked back at the bride and found 50 cents. ...

35. The prisoner was shot. Because of the poor quality of the bullet, the first shot didn't go off ... then the second shot ... the third shot ... This is, the prisoner cried and hugged the bailiff's thigh and said, Brother, you strangle me, which is really fucking scary.

Yesterday, I dreamed that God said that he could grant me a wish. I took out my globe and said, Let the world be peaceful. He said it was too difficult to change! I took out your photo and said to make this person beautiful. God thought for a moment and said, let's talk about world peace!

37. Women are too ugly to marry. Hoping to be trafficked. Finally, one day the dream came true. But it didn't sell for half a month. The kidnapper sent him back. She has made up her mind. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his feet: Let's go, don't want the car.

A beggar knocked on the window and said, give me some money.

The gentleman looked at it and said, I'll give you a cigarette.

The beggar said, I don't smoke. Give me some money.

The gentleman said, I have beer in my car. Let me give you a bottle of wine.

The beggar said, I don't drink. Give me some money.

Mr. Wang said: well, I'll take you to the mahjong room, I'll pay, you bet, and the winner is yours.

The beggar said, I don't gamble. Give me some money.

Mr. Wang said: I'll take you to the sauna to enjoy the "one-stop service", and I'll take it all.

The beggar said, I don't engage in prostitution. Give me some money.

Mr. Wang said, then get on the bus and I'll take you back to show my wife: one doesn't smoke, drink or gamble.

What can a good man with money and no prostitutes be!

The seven fairies bathed in the lake, but Bajie couldn't see them in a hurry.

Tang priest solemnly shouted to the lake: benefactor, be careful of crocodiles!

Seven fairies ran ashore naked.

Bajie lamented: the IQ of leaders cannot be surpassed.

Four priests Tang went to travel by plane, and the plane crashed on the way, but there were only three parachutes.

So, the Tang Priest said, let's answer the question, and jump if we can't answer it.

Tang Priest: Wukong, how many suns are there in the sky?

Wukong: One.

Tang Priest: Here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many moons are there in the sky?

Friar Sand: One.

Tang Priest: I'll give you one too.

Bajie is having fun, such a simple question.

Tang Priest: Bajie, how many stars are there in the sky?

....

Bajie jumped down.

Before long, the four of them flew to travel again. They crashed on the way and there were still only three parachutes.

They went on answering questions.

Tang Priest: Wukong, when was People's Republic of China (PRC) founded?

Wukong: 1949.

Tang Priest: Here you are.

Tang Priest: Friar Sand, how many people died in the Liberation War?

Friar Sand: 2.5 million people.

Tang Priest: I'll give you one too.

Tang Priest: Bajie, what are the names of those 2.5 million people?

..... Bajie has to jump again by himself.

The third time, the four of them traveled by plane again and had an accident on the way.

Then Pig said, Master, you don't have to ask. I jump by myself.

Then jump.

Tang Priest put his hands together: Amitabha, there are four parachutes this time.