About communication: Why do you quarrel when you talk?

Speaking is an art and also a kind of wisdom. Proper speech can make us feel at home in our life and work. But in real life, it is difficult for us to talk well. Quarrel without speculation, and finally break up in discord.

First, why can't you talk well?

We learn from childhood and work when we grow up, and the most instilled concepts in our minds are: right and wrong, good and bad, obligation and responsibility, judgment and demand, accusation and accusation, punishment and reward, and so on. We have never been instilled with needs and don't know how to meet the needs of ourselves and others. Ideas determine thoughts, and thoughts determine behaviors. So when we talk, we usually take these concepts as the basis of conversation, ignoring that the real purpose of conversation is to meet the needs of both sides. So we often hear this conversation:

What you did was wrong (right and wrong).

Making a scene in public is a bad boy (good or bad)

What does a wife do? What's the use of having a husband? (Obligations and responsibilities)

He is stupid (comments and demands)

Are you bored? (Complaining and accusing)

Mom doesn't love you if you don't listen? (Punishment and reward)

One side of the conversation usually talks to the other side by commenting, complaining and accusing. When the other person is not respected, the instinctive self-protection begins to contradict, and then the quarrel begins. Even if an employee is forced by the authority of the leader at work, it doesn't mean that his demand for respect has disappeared, but it is just suppressed. This demand is bound to erupt at some point. For example, every employee suddenly resigned because of a word from the leader, and many people seem to.

Second, what is the purpose of our speech?

The purpose of speaking is usually to meet our needs, including both sides of the conversation, and this demand includes two aspects:

Provide information and knowledge, promote understanding and stimulate action.

Be respected, recognized and treated equally.

Third, how can we talk well?

Liang Qiushi said: "Speaking, like writing, has a theme, a draft, a hierarchy, a beginning and an end. The ancients said that "swallow a word to the mouth" is the result of thinking about the theme, level and end of a speech. Specifically, the well includes the following four steps:

1. Describe the facts without comment: Christian Krishnamurti, a spiritual mentor, once said that "observation without comment is the highest form of human wisdom". When describing facts, the description without comments is also the highest form of description.

2. Tell your feelings without blaming: Tell your feelings clearly, don't interpret other people's behavior, don't imply the other party's responsibility, and don't try to make the other party blame yourself, because these will cause the other party to protect themselves and cause quarrels.

3. Ask in positive language: Ask what you want others to do instead of doing nothing. Positive language tends to request, while negative language tends to command or request.

4. Ask for cooperation rather than manipulation: Ask for support and help from the other side, rather than trying to manipulate the other side. Be wary of using words such as "must" and "should".

No comments, no accusations, positive language and asking for help all need us to meet each other's needs of being respected and valued in conversation. Only in this way can we really meet the needs of conversation.

Experience two different ways of communication.

situation

The man was upset by things at work, so he went home and said nothing with a straight face at the dinner table.

The usual way of communication

The woman saw it and said unhappily, "I have worked hard all day." Is it easy to get busy outside? When I get home, I'll see your face. Tell me about your thoughts (manipulation). " The man was annoyed and said angrily, "You are sick. So a quarrel began.

A good way to speak.

woman

Describe the facts without comment: dear, you didn't say a word at the dinner table today, and your face is not good.

Tell your feelings without criticism: I feel a little depressed at home.

Make a request in positive language: we are very busy and tired at work every day. When we go home, I hope our whole family can be happy.

Ask for cooperation rather than manipulation: Do you think you can tell me what happened to you today?

man

Describe the fact without comment: I'm thinking about my job.

Describe your feelings without accusation: it's no big deal, don't worry.

Ask in positive language: I want to be alone.

Ask for cooperation, not manipulation: you and your children leave me alone for a while.

Fourth, talk well and be alert to the following misunderstandings.

Even if we know how to speak well, we usually fall into the following misunderstandings and lead to quarrels.

Misunderstanding of concept confusion

Li Xiaolai said: Concept is the cornerstone of all cognition. The so-called independent thinking means being able to use the correct concepts independently and correctly. Only the correct concept can guide the correct thinking and action.

1, confusing imagination with facts

Looking at imagination and facts alone, many people think this is easy to distinguish, but in real life, it will be confused if you are not careful. And caused a quarrel. For example, the woman in the above example said, "What do you think of me" is imagination. Men bring their emotions at work home, and women imagine that men's emotions have problems with her, and take imagination as a fact, which leads to quarrels.

2. Comments that confuse the facts.

Facts are objective situations in real life, and comments are subjective judgments. These two concepts are often confused. For example, my husband was tired of shopping with his wife, and he didn't buy the right clothes after walking all afternoon. He was a little impatient and blurted out, "You are really difficult to serve. Is it so difficult to buy a dress? " This "difficult to serve" is a comment from the husband to his wife, and it is also after the wife is labeled. Out of instinctive self-protection and dissatisfaction, I started a confrontation with my husband and started a quarrel.

3. Confuse control and demand.

For example, the boss of a company, in order to make employees work hard even if their wages are very low, forwarded an article "All companies pretending to be high-energy are dead" in the company group (the article means that those companies pretending to be high-energy closed down because their wages and benefits were too good) and told employees at the company meeting: "We don't need the most expensive employees, we need hard-working employees." Originally, he wanted to manipulate employees' thoughts through such communication. Due to unequal status, employees did not quarrel with the company leaders at that time, but then many important employees began to vote with their feet and left their jobs one after another to express their dissatisfaction with the company's manipulation of their thoughts.

The misunderstanding of soliloquy

God gave us two ears and one mouth to listen more and talk less. Carnegie said, "If you want to be a good talker, you must first be a person who is willing to listen." . Emerson said, "Listening is listening." Obviously, listening is very important, but when we communicate, many people only talk and ignore listening. Just like "chicken and duck".

Where have you been?

I just had dinner.

In this example, both A and B are talking to themselves, and there is no communication at all.

Artificially set standards

Speaking is not to prove who is right or wrong, who is good or bad, but to meet needs and solve problems. Moreover, many things in life are difficult to distinguish right from wrong, and in most cases, they are just different positions and angles. Directly pointing out that the other party's practice does not meet their own standards, it is easy to cause the other party's defensive counterattack, and finally everyone breaks up. For example, some people like to give image guidance to others. "It's not appropriate for you to wear it like this, and it's not good to wear it like that." It is easy to cause dissatisfaction and even quarrel.

The misunderstanding of moral hijacking

Morality is a bridge to build a good relationship between people and an active choice of people. We can't hold others hostage by morality. For example, when A saw someone casually throwing melon seeds on the subway, he went up to stop it: "littering in public places is an act that lacks social morality." Standing on the moral high ground, Party A tried to stop the other party from littering by suppressing it. However, the other party not only ignored Party A's request, but also had a quarrel with Party A: "It's none of your business, mind your own business".

Misunderstanding of compulsory punishment

When you speak, you can make the other person afraid by proposing punishment, so as to achieve the purpose of communication. In this way, even if the other party meets your needs, it is forced to make concessions after suppressing its own needs of being treated equally and respected. Therefore, it is easy to pile up dissatisfaction and cause future outbreaks. For example:' If you do this again, do you believe I will hit you', the other party may say it won't happen again, or respond out of self-esteem:' All right, I'll see who hits who', and a fight will inevitably begin.

All the above misunderstandings seem simple and can only be avoided through regular and deliberate practice.

There is a good saying: "what you said is not what you said, but what the other party heard and understood after listening."