To the buddies who shared a bed with me over the years

Article/Broken Sword and Cracked Ice

Perhaps because I am not yet mature, I am a person who is particularly susceptible to the influence of the environment. These days, from various media news, articles pushed by various public accounts, and online, I continue to see a lot of information about groups like homosexuals.

I still remember a long time ago, I heard from my classmates that Lin Xi was in love with a man who was as talented as him. I was shocked. A particularly weird discomfort arose from deep within my heart. Although I don’t know if this is the resistance unique to so-called straight men, after I learned this information, I deleted all the songs written by Lin Xi from my phone (also He is too young and easily impulsive). After that, whenever I heard my classmates talking about homosexual topics, I would deliberately avoid it, or I would just calm down and do my own thing without expressing any opinions.

After I went to college, my thinking gradually matured, my personality continued to form, my acceptance of different thinking concepts became stronger and stronger, and I gradually learned to look at problems rationally. They are willing and curious to explore and discover another world for those things that they were originally particularly repelled by.

Once, I watched the classic "Brokeback Mountain" on the computer. In addition to still feeling that special kind of discomfort, my original rejection mentality was somewhat diluted. I gradually try to understand those more special kinds of love. Although I still don’t understand it, I am willing to tolerate it.

Today, because of the removal of the online drama "Addicted", I saw a lot of articles about homosexuality. I also read them carefully one by one, and found that this group is not so repulsive to me, if the fact is what those articles described.

When I read a few articles, the originally firm and firm belief in my heart was shaken. I even began to doubt: Am I also gay?

According to my mother’s description, when I was very young (about 3 or 4 years old, before I started school), because my family’s economic conditions were very poor at the time, many of my clothes were worn by my older sister. Yes, wear smaller clothes. I would be happy to wear coats, sweaters, etc., but I would refuse to wear feminine clothes like floral skirts from my sister. Thinking about it carefully, it seems that the straight male mentality of rejecting sissies has been in me since I was very young, as if it was born.

However, after entering junior high school, the situation changed slightly. I am a very introverted person (according to my mother, I only became introverted when I entered junior high school). When I talk to girls alone, I am hesitant and awkward, and I blush when I look at girls for a long time. But if you talk to boys, you will be completely different: calm, humorous, cheerful and generous. Therefore, the boys in our class all get along very well with me and are happy to play with me.

I had good academic performance at that time. My buddies would often invite me to the classroom for self-study at noon. In the empty classroom, two boys discussed the knowledge they had just learned, chatting and laughing, and felt very happy. I didn't feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. Thinking about it now, it feels a bit gay.

When I was in junior high school, more than a dozen people lived in a large dormitory with many bunk beds in a row. I slept on the upper bunk, and there was a buddy on the upper bunk who often watched pornographic films on his mobile phone in the middle of the night, with the external sound turned up very loud. When the sleeping people in the lower bunk heard it, they would run to the upper bunk to watch together. Five or six naked men were surrounding the only light in the darkness, watching with great interest. From time to time, a few naked men would imitate the sounds and movements inside. A man is pressing down on another monster and screaming. The scene is so beautiful, you can imagine it yourself. I have also crushed others, and I have also been crushed by others. Although it was all across the quilt, but now that I think about it, I still feel that the situation at that time was a bit crooked...

When I went to high school, the school was far away from home. As time went by, my personality became more introverted. I believe that many people’s first love happened in high school. In my high school, it seemed that apart from doing questions and playing ball, there was nothing more. Moreover, our high school did not allow mobile phones or any technological entertainment devices, but at that time I did not feel that life was boring at all (maybe it was because I was too poisoned, and I am a very well-behaved person).

In high school, there were eight of us in a dormitory, with bunk beds and bunks, which were separate and independent. A buddy who played very well with me in the dormitory secretly bought an MP3 player from outside. At night, he took it out to listen to music in the dormitory.

In the summer, every time I couldn't sleep, I would run to his bed because his bed was closest to the air conditioner. Every time, he would give me an earphone, and each of us would wear one earphone and sleep on the same pillow. We would whisper about things in the class and our respective ideals, although most of the time we would still talk about which girl was pretty and which girl had a good figure. The two grown men would often chat naked until midnight, until I felt sleepy, and then I would go back to my bed to sleep.

It is really a blessing to have someone who listens to you, complains with you, and has the same personality as you. Now I feel that those are the warmest and least lonely memories of my high school.

After graduating from junior high school, I lost a lot of friends with whom I could watch movies together; after graduating from high school, I lost a lot of friends with whom I could talk and joke; when I got to college, I didn’t know if I would find any friends again.

I wonder if the feelings I had for those buddies in those years were considered love? If so, then I think I might be considered gay. All those buddies who slept with me shirtlessly in the same bed all those years ago, I miss you so much.