To solve the problem of children being tired of learning, it is better to ask yourself: truly repent of yourself and usher in true acceptance.

Author丨Qi Shi is not stupid

Editor丨Clumsy Old Wolf

Editor’s note: The author of this article is a single mother. The boy at home is 17 years old and has just entered high school this year. , lived with her mother after her parents divorced. She dropped out of the second grade of junior high school because she was so tired of studying, and later returned to the second grade of junior high school.

Since registering for the first year of high school in September, the child has often been tired of studying and is unwilling to actively adapt to the pressure brought by the new school. He often asks for leave, cannot complete homework on time, and often hides at home. Play on your phone.

My mother began to study various family education articles and smart parent courses a few years ago. She began to firmly believe in the saying that "parents must accept their children unconditionally to help children who are tired of learning", but how to do it specifically What? What to do? I have never been able to understand the methods and essentials, and my mother is often troubled by this.

After learning from the coach, this mother kept trying to use curious dialogue to try to solve the problem of her child being tired of learning. After repeated communication obstacles, she realized belatedly: It turns out that in order to accept your child, you must first accept yourself. You must look inside yourself and repent of your past!

From 11:45 pm on October 16 to 7:15 am on October 17, nearly 8 hours from late night to early morning, most people spent their time sleeping , I was like this in the past, but this time I spent the first sleepless night in my life.

I took the initiative to find the coach and asked for help in starting my self-awakening. After repeatedly confirming that my physical condition could bear it, the coach invited Xiuzhen as a supporter and Zhijuan as an observer. We chatted online on WeChat The group began this painful and joyful "journey of true confession".

At the beginning, the coach asked me to talk about my current situation and the confusion I encountered, so I said my carefully prepared opening remarks.

My opening statement: During these days of studying, I have been constantly aware of the pain and discomfort in my body, as well as my emotions—anxiety, worry, and fear. But when I think back to my life of more than forty years, There were several moments of losing loved ones in the process - the death of my grandfather in junior high school, the death of my grandmother in college, and the death of my mother three years ago. I found that I had never experienced heartbreaking pain, and I could hardly feel the pain of losing a loved one. I don’t know that I What happened?

I paused and continued the last part of my opening statement: I want to see myself through tonight, and I want to feel the heartbreaking pain! When I finished saying this, there was no response from the group for a long time.

The coach asked me to talk about my family (father, mother, two sisters) evaluation of me. When I heard this, my heart skipped a beat. I actually found that I didn’t know what my family members thought of me. , I couldn’t say anything for a while.

In order to avoid this embarrassment and better answer this question, I racked my brains and tried my best to search for past memories in my mind. After nearly ten minutes, I was as excited as if I was defending a thesis. Dao Lai:

On many occasions when I was a child and even after I grew up, my father would say that I was stupid when I was a child and not as smart as my second sister. He did not acknowledge my hard work and hard work that often ranked first in the school in junior high school. Pay;

The eldest sister is very beautiful, with the big-eyed beauty of Northeastern girls. The eldest sister grew up in her grandma’s house and is about the same age as her uncle. Both her grandma and grandpa dote on her, so the eldest sister has always been very domineering. , when she was a kid, she slapped me in front of her classmates because she lost a game;

The second sister is also very beautiful, with fair skin and a round face, and has the agility of a girl from the south of the Yangtze River. The second sister is very popular with her father. I like her. People in my grandma’s family also like her second sister very much.

After saying these words, I suddenly realized that my heart was empty and I had no confidence. Suddenly the coach asked: "Thank you for your candor, so what did you find out from what you just said?"

I carefully thought about what I said, and it turned out that it was all my own evaluation of my family. Moreover, these comments were all negative comments based on my judgment standards. It seemed that I did not remember the good things my family did to me or some warm occasions.

I recalled that the coach often called me "Little Qiqi". I was a little proud at first. I really like others to call me "Qiqi". This feeling is very kind and warm. Only now did I realize Deep down, I want to be a pampered child. Although I look like I am 40 years old on the outside, I am a child who refuses to grow up on the inside. I suddenly feel ashamed that I once liked this title.

The coach asked me to talk about my mother again, and I said: Since I am the third child, and the first two are girls, my parents are really looking forward to the third child being a boy, so after I was born, they always Call me "old son". I had some resistance to the term "old son" when I was a child, but I never explicitly raised it with my mother.

In fact, when I was a child, my mother always took me to visit her, and she took me with her almost everywhere. However, wherever I went, all I heard was the aunts praising the eldest sister for her beauty and admiring the second sister for her intelligence.

I added: My mother was actually very good to me. Once I had a sarcoma on my ankle and had a minor operation. After the operation, my mother carried me home on her back from the hospital. During the summer vacation of my freshman year of college, my mother took me to the vegetable market. Seeing that I wanted to eat fish, she bought the fish for 10 yuan and took it home. At that time, 10 yuan was a lot of money for the family.

I seem to know in my mind how good my mother is to me, but when my mother passed away three years ago, I couldn’t feel the pain!

For about three and a half hours, I kept repeating the narrative. My words were insincere and contradictory, which made everyone feel that I was fake, cold, and selfish at the moment. When I heard this After the evaluation, I immediately went crazy and kept quibbling. Finally, I lost my temper and yelled: "What I said is what I think in my heart. What else do you want?"

Including Everyone's feelings, including the coach's, still point to what I just said is only what I think and am allowed to say, and I have been covering up the truth! I was immediately confused. After taking a few deep breaths, I calmly thought about it, and it seemed that this was indeed the case. I couldn't help but ask myself: "Qiqi, what's wrong with me?"

After the coach asked again To: "Do you really want to help your children through self-change and growth at this moment? It sounds like you are still unconsciously covering up. The various family education knowledge you thought you worked hard to learn seems so pale to your children now. Being powerless will only make the child form this perception again and again—my mother is always hypocritical, and she is always trying to trick me. It seems that my mother still doesn’t trust me!”

I felt very frustrated after hearing this! , the coach asked further: "In the narration of your relationship with your mother, I heard more of your complaints and dislike of your mother. What happened? It is unforgettable for you now. If you are not true Tell me, we really can't help you!"

This questioning was really soul torture. I was stunned. How could I dislike my mother? I hesitated for a long time before I was willing to reveal the dislike I had for my mother that had been in my heart for a long time.

When I was a child, my mother was the dormitory administrator of a middle school. She always took me back to work. Sometimes when I was sleepy at night, my mother would let me sleep on her legs. When I was lying on my mother's lap, I would smell an unpleasant smell of medicine. Although I was only a few years old at the time, I knew clearly that the medicine was rubbed into my private parts by my mother.

I have always thought that although my mother often takes me out, I dislike her in my heart. I don’t seem to love my mother that much. I have never mentioned these things to anyone, but they have left a deep mark on my heart. I feel ashamed even thinking about them now! Besides, let me say it!

When I recounted this past, I was trembling all over and my voice was weak and trembling. When I finished speaking intermittently, I suddenly felt as if a heavy stone had been lifted from my chest, and I couldn't help but cry softly... …

It has been three years since my mother passed away, and I felt the pain in my heart. After crying softly for a while, the coach said to me: "Qiqi, please allow yourself to say - Mom, I Love you! Let yourself reconcile with your mother now!”

I was silent for about a minute, and I really felt like I couldn’t speak.

The coach continued: "Qiqi, you always want your son to see how hard you have been as a mother for more than ten years, but have you forgotten that your mother also worked hard to raise you? Big? ”

This sentence is like a bolt of lightning, directly splitting away all my reluctances and hesitations! Suddenly I burst into tears and burst into tears, as if I had been accumulating tears for many years!

At this moment, the childhood scenes that I can’t always remember are like a flood that has been released: my mother tried her best to let the three sisters eat what we like to eat under such difficult financial conditions at home;

During the three years of high school, all three of us, sisters, lived in dormitories. My mother almost never bought fresh vegetables at home. She would always buy some broken or fallen vegetable leaves around dark to make ends meet;

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During the holidays, my mother always carefully marinated the meat and fish given out by my father’s work and put them away, but she was reluctant to eat them, just so that she could bring them back to school for us to eat for a month;

When I was a child, I would eat them at home. Although the conditions were difficult, my mother was good at cooking. Even when it came to pickled vegetables, she had to pickle many kinds of pickles. She did her best to make the food at home more abundant;

Mother was not a big person at home. There are several kinds of fruit trees planted in the yard, so the three of us sisters can eat fresh fruits all year round.

I have chosen to forget all these warm memories. I dislike my mother just because I feel ashamed to talk about the gynecological diseases she suffered from when I was born!

I suddenly discovered my true self: I have always been an ungrateful, indifferent, self-righteous, hypocritical woman! My ex-husband was right, my coach was right! In my heartbreaking cry, I shouted to the sky over and over again: "Mom, I love you! I really love you! I miss you so much now!"

When After I shouted the words "Mom, I love you" from my mouth, I seemed to enter a hypnotic state. I couldn't hear what the coach said, I couldn't hear what Xiuzhen said, I couldn't hear what Zhijuan said. The dream was like crazy, I hugged the pillow and muttered to myself as if dreaming...

I seemed to see my mother's bright smile when she was young. How beautiful my mother looked when she smiled! Mom has also come all the way from a green and beautiful girl!

I also saw the ignorant young me looking at my mother and smiling happily. When I was a teenager, I was not the dark and thin girl in my memory. Although I was darker, I was so healthy!

At that moment, I seemed to have taken off the hard shell that I had worn for more than ten years. My whole body was extremely transparent. There was a warmth flowing in my heart. My feet felt real as if they were stepping on the ground for the first time. Feeling at ease, like lying in mother's warm arms for the first time, feeling her body temperature and feeling that selfless maternal love!

I finally began to truly repent and examine myself: Over the years, I have forgotten that I am my parents’ daughter and my identity as a woman. How can I truly accept my identity as a mother? ?

A woman who refuses to say she loves her mother or forgives her mother cannot understand the tolerance and compassion behind the word mother. In the past, I always thought that unconditional acceptance of children was empty and hypocritical. , I once thought that this was selfless love for children! I was wrong! How wrong!

I want to reorganize my inner self: my anxiety, my worry, my fear. In fact, these are my excuses for being irresponsible and evasive to my children, making others, including myself, embarrassed to blame again. !

I finally understand: the true acceptance after softening the heart is not directed at the child, but toward oneself! True acceptance is no longer soft-hearted, no longer flattering, no longer accommodating, no longer compromising, no longer cautious, no longer having no rules at home, but no longer firmness within one's own boundaries, and within one's own boundaries. Tolerance and compassion!

Finally, after this sleepless night of true confession, my own life has entered a new journey of truth, love, and giving!

Qiqi is a mother born in the 1970s. Like most other parents born in the 1970s, she wants to be a good mother very seriously and hard, but she unknowingly falls into the misunderstandings of family education:

The words and deeds of parents born in the 1970s on their children’s education are actually unconscious responses. No matter what they say or do in front of their children, they think they are sincerely doing it for the good of their children. In fact, it is all in their minds. The judgment standards dominated by inherent consciousness control.

We parents born in the 1970s often ignore the integration of self-mind, and often fail to connect the mind, inner emotions, and physical sensations. We live a very practical life every day, but it is never true. This is the generation born in the 1970s. A true portrayal, to put it in one sentence: you will die of hardship without speaking out, and you will die of weakness without admitting it!

However, when we use this state of life to get along with our rebellious children, it often does not help the children at all, especially for children who are tired of learning, but it is counterproductive!

In her mind, Qiqi wants to be a serious, responsible and loving mother, but she is out of touch with her inner self and has never really been close to herself or understood herself. When she treats her son Her persuasion, tolerance, and compromise were ineffective every time. She was actually very disappointed. She was angry and sad inside, but she couldn't admit this part.

Once she admits this part, she may fall into a more helpless and self-critical state, so her mind bypasses her feelings and her true self, so she naturally responds with the law of survival: super rationality ——I have to accept my child unconditionally in order to help my son who is tired of studying!

Her inner voice became: I really don’t want to get along with my son like this! Blindly flattering, compromising, and tolerant unconditional acceptance almost made me collapse, and I felt very uncomfortable!

Her reason said: I must work hard to learn acceptance methods or communication skills that are suitable for my son, and I must hold on! I must help my children completely get rid of their boredom and actively return to school!

Her inner drama hidden rationally: I just can’t make my son listen to me. Now I can’t follow the rules with my son. I am a bad mother, an unsuccessful mother, and I don’t accept this.

But what about her real voice? The voice that is covered up, the voice that cannot be recognized and understood, the voice that is most true to myself: I want to work hard and help my son return to school on my own. I want to gain my son's respect, but I am worried that I can't do it or that I won't be able to do it. You know what to do is the right thing to do, but now you don’t know what to do?

The parents I am studying with now all come from families with high education, high positions, and high incomes. They seem to be very prosperous, but they often live very hypocritically and refuse to admit it. It is all because of me. Guidance in stripping off their outer armor and living their true selves!

In fact, the change of parents’ concepts is for his inner self-growth. Only when parents’ inner selves and inner emotions can be truly presented, can they possibly help their children!

But what I have seen is that the so-called unconditional acceptance of children accepted by many parents will only make parents live more hypocritically, because no normal person in this world can do it, and it often makes adults start to fear Trying to please rebellious children will only make the family order gradually become chaotic in the long run!

When the family order is chaotic, that is to say, as the old saying goes: there is no order between the elders and the younger ones, then the children in such a family atmosphere will only become less and less secure and have a sense of belonging!

True acceptance actually first points to accepting the inner self. If you find that you no longer have so much anxiety, worry, and fear, you can focus outward and try to accept your child's current situation!

So once I talk about true acceptance, what many parents and I often remind is "If you don't have a stance, there will be consequences!" ’, parents can only accept themselves after repenting and reflecting, living out the truth, and living out the source. Only in this way can they not only help themselves, but also help their children who are tired of studying!

The only way to solve the problem of children being tired of studying is that parents must face themselves bravely and truly, see clearly the truth behind their children’s problems (feelings are the truth, how do you feel about all this?), and honestly Acknowledge and correct mistakes, create a harmonious parent-child relationship, a warm family atmosphere, and grow together with your children from a spiritual level!