Is the influence of family of origin on a person overstated?

Everyone has two homes in his life. One is the home where we grew up, with mom, dad, brothers and sisters. The other is the family we build after we grow up and get married.

We call the first family the original family, and the families formed later are called the reborn families.

01

I saw such a question recently, which is very interesting.

In foreign film and television works, psychological trauma is often emphasized - being beaten by parents as a child, being criticized in public by teachers when going to school, experiencing too many life and death in the military... They will all look for it in adulthood. Psychiatrists, because these have seriously affected their normal lives.

But the strange and ironic thing is that China never takes this seriously.

Being beaten by your parents when you were a child seems to be a normal thing. Being criticized or even beaten by teachers in public seems not to be remembered. Even if a soldier goes into battle to kill the enemy, it is his duty. The more he kills, the prouder he will be. , it is rare to hear that someone is psychologically distorted because of this.

Is it really made by the Chinese? Are foreign friends too pretentious?

No.

Recently I read Zhou Chong’s short story "Taste of the World", which contains this description: "My mother has accumulated a lot of grievances in her life. Poverty, humbleness, hard work and indifference have made it impossible for her to relax. My stupidity has made her Disappointed, her father's beauty makes her nervous, she becomes increasingly sensitive and irritable, her nerves are on thin ice, and trivial things can easily cause her to have an attack. "

Her family, her parents have been in a state of hysteria for a long time, and they are not concerned about their children. They stopped at having enough food and clothing, and there was basically no spiritual communication. The hostility that the mother received from the family was inadvertently vented on her children. The relationship between the husband and wife seemed to be like eating together, and it was commonplace to undermine each other and speak ill of each other.

How can a baby who has spent more than ten years in such a twisted family remain unaffected?

She once solemnly swore that she did not want to be such a parent.

But one day, she sadly discovered that her personality and behavior were filled with the violence from her original family. It was like a parasite lurking in her body, silently. Waiting to suddenly appear at a certain opportunity, evil and dark, it seems that she will be destroyed in an instant.

Human beings are products of the environment. The daily influence of the native family can eat up a child with good talent alive.

02

I thought of my friend They punched and kicked their mother and daughter.

Perhaps God wants to give this miserable family some comfort. My friend I once thought that her hard work and excellence would definitely change her destiny and break away from that heavy home.

Until she met her husband. To be honest, the conditions were much worse than hers, but at least he treated her well. The two got married and had children not long after. But my intuition vaguely told me that she was not happy. Later, when we met, she quietly told me that she accidentally learned that her husband frequently visited special entertainment venues during her pregnancy, and more than once.

"But, I will still forgive him." She paused and said with a painful face.

I was shocked and speechless. The impression is that she has a strong sense of self-esteem and cannot tolerate dirty things, but in marriage it is exactly the opposite.

She burst into tears and said that her family had been in debt since she was in college. In order to survive, she had to work several part-time jobs and went back to the dormitory very late. The room was dark and she often Shivering with hunger. She would never forget the despair and desolation seeping out from under her feet. I seemed to suddenly understand why she was willing to marry a boy who was much worse than her, and why she was willing to forgive easily even if she cheated on him.

In her native family, she was so lacking in love and care that when she entered society and received a little attention from the opposite sex, it was like grabbing a life-saving straw and not daring to let go.

I remember she said at the end of that conversation: "I'm too afraid of losing. What I got is already a luxury for me."

It turns out that everyone has experienced some very intense experiences. , painful experiences and feelings often make him unknowingly affect major decisions in his life.

03

Psychological research has long proven that a person’s childhood experience, especially the family of origin, plays a decisive role in personal character, behavior, and psychology, and will have long-term, The profound impact may even determine a lifetime of happiness.

So, is there really no way to minimize the trauma from the family of origin?

My personal experience is, yes. But it is basically impossible to completely eliminate it.

Unfortunately, my home is also a battlefield. Even if I am very busy at work and have only a short time at home, they will have a lot of quarrels in those few days. Because it has been like this since childhood.

But the subtle thing is that this had the opposite effect on me - I was very independent and strong, and I wanted to "break" with this family. When I was a teenager, I studied hard and got top grades, just to escape as soon as possible. Later, my wish came true, and I went to college thousands of miles away and saw a new world. However, I also gradually discovered another sad fact: the shadow of my family has had a deep-rooted influence on me.

I can’t control my habitual hostility to others, pessimism about the world, unwillingness to believe in kindness and love, and sometimes even think and attack in the same way my parents do, subtly becoming what I swore not to do. The person who will become. Especially compared to my friends who have harmonious families, I feel very inferior. They are peaceful and perfect, but I am fierce and violent. The more this happens, the more disgusted I feel with myself.

Finally, I fell into a slight depression, and I had an inexplicable urge to lean down and jump when I saw high places. Until one time, I happened to be standing on such an edge, and the wind blew gently, and I suddenly broke into a cold sweat.

A thought came to me - I can't do this.

It seems that because of the experience of being on the edge of life and death, I started to save myself because I wanted to live.

I forced myself, who was not good at socializing, to make friends. I discovered the true meaning of friendship through stumbling and stumbling, and met lifelong friends. I spent all my time in the library, and got a glimpse of my own insignificance and the vastness of the universe in books, especially After reading various history books, I no longer look at people and things out of context, and I have figured out a lot; I forced myself to go out and practice, and became a tutor for families of high-ranking officials, an intern at a start-up company, and the leader of a community... Slowly Slowly I discovered that my personality was quite strong and my thinking was not narrow-minded. It turned out that I was not that bad and could be saved.

Gradually, I seemed to jump out of an invisible shell and return "I" to myself, or in other words, to the universe.

Being in your twenties, when your outlook on life has not been fully established and your horizons have not been broadened, is a good time to reinvent yourself. Please contact the world outside your home firmly, optimistically, bravely and diligently. This may be the best way to save yourself.

04

Does the crime and punishment of the native family really have to be full of complaints and fractures?

It all started when I started reading history and listening to my elders telling stories about that era. I can't hate this family anymore.

Both of my parents are young people who passed the college entrance examination in the 1970s and 1980s and left the countryside to go to college. They worked hard to improve themselves and were selected from a hundred. I remember seeing the exquisite plastic notebooks they had when they were young, with stickers on them. Full of beautiful briefings and poems written by Haizi and Shizhi, they were young and confused and yearning, purer and more beautiful than me at this time.

But before they could recover, life dragged them into the quagmire of reality prematurely. In their early twenties, they were suddenly ordered by their parents to take on a family, struggling to live with a meager salary, and still working hard. Unable to escape the embarrassment of being stretched thin, they were so panicked and unprepared that pots and pans collided together, all making the sound of broken dreams.

Facing the difficulties of life, the wife gradually complained, and the young husband never knew how to face the family and was at a loss. Life gradually disillusiones all hopes for love and becomes a battlefield where ideals are crushed.

Whether this is a tragedy of the times or a tragedy of the family, the life I have now is probably the best life I can get by standing on their shoulders.

When I grew up, except for rare moments, I no longer complained about this family, sincerely chose to understand and forgive, and tried to find new ways to improve the relationship: I sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk with my parents. , find the source of the problem and try to solve it; sometimes I deliberately make some irrelevant mistakes, so that they can start communicating because I am on one side; I try to do what I should do, be good to them, and prevent them from being too negative about the family. The meaning of existence.

All these efforts may have little effect, but doing it is better than doing nothing.

And the more important meaning is - it is easy for people to be addicted to certain thoughts or emotions and cannot extricate themselves. But when I mustered up the courage to face it and started to see my parents clearly, I also saw them clearly. Own.

When one day I was truly prepared to forgive my parents, I truly forgave my past self.

05

How to face and solve the crimes and punishments of the original family? Fighting against fracture? Leave to escape?

This may be a problem faced by every young person whose native family is not happy.

As far as my personal experience is concerned, the best answer may be forgiveness; the best method may require you to reshape the statue yourself and no longer rely on anyone.

When you no longer complain about things in your family of origin, when you understand where some of the negative things in your personality come from, when you learn to reconcile with these negative things and slowly correct them, when you learn to In order to understand and forgive, start to improve everything with your heart, and make things move in an optimistic direction. Only in this way will a new me be born.

There is a poem that I like very much:

Human is not an independent entity

Our DNA is engraved with the past

Everything you feel and think

The past must also have a sound

We are just molecules in the universe

Walking according to the established track

Occasional encounters

Reflections in each other's hearts

I remember going home on November this year, I opened the photos of my childhood, and the memories of the past rushed to my face, and there was a buzz in my head. .

The girl is strange and familiar at the same time. We are like two souls walking in different time and space in the universe, walking in different time boxes according to established trajectories, as if we can perceive each other.

She is naive and naive, looking forward to the future. I looked at her and gradually became calmer and calmer, with the corners of my mouth raised.

This is my reconciliation with the past, from rupture and abandonment to a knowing smile.

Hello girl, thank you.