Classic jokes can be told to high school students.

Work-related resume (hilarious)

Audience friends, first of all, I want to make an important introduction here. I have unparalleled determination. Because I decided to quit smoking a few days ago, I actually quit when I said quit. I haven't smoked for two days in a row. Oh, my God! I can't imagine ... I admire myself, but I think it's not bad if I have such a determination to kill people. I'm sure I'll go down a road of no return. After repeated weighing, I decided to give up the idea of quitting smoking in order to find my original purity and perfection. Ni Kuang said: People who smoke and drink are happy, while those who don't smoke and drink are healthy. Between happiness and health, everyone respects health and enjoys its happiness!

I also heard that smoking has three advantages.

One: prevent thieves. After a friend who smokes a lot got married, he coughed less and less during the day and night. May I ask? Cough at night, dare the thief come? Don't underestimate, this is a very eye-catching anti-theft measure, because it breaks the saying that "silence is better than sound" in ancient poetry;

Two: People who have smoked for many years are black, so you don't have to worry about makeup when you play Bao Qingtian (Bao Gong); Well, it can really save a lot of trouble when necessary. Needless to say, when Zhou Jie played Bao Gong, he was really sad because he blackened his face. It can be seen that African miners are not completely without advantages.

Three: Never get old. People who smoke since childhood will never get old. According to the research of an American scientist, a friend who smoked for many years died at the age of 50 at most. According to the dying old people, "not getting old" is a kind of luck, because in the end, you can't compete with pets, and pets are pets! Besides, as we all know, the words "Smoking is harmful to health" are written on every cigarette pack. What is the reason? A: A comma should be added, which means "smoking is harmful to health", and further analysis is: "smoking is harmful but healthy". There should be no doubt about the best-selling quantity of cigarettes! Therefore, I would like to remind my friends that you can smoke, don't stop, and strive to break through the scientific achievements of "not aging". No, find a teacher to learn quickly. Of course, talented friends can teach themselves-it's not difficult, I'm just self-taught.

Secondly, talk about my hobbies. I like drinking.

Speaking of cigarettes, generally speaking, wine and cigarettes complement each other, and my place is no exception, so I think wine should also have three major benefits.

First, I feel really good after getting drunk. Those small steps are enough to make many dancers sigh. Anyone who says the wrong thing will definitely go the wrong way. Just say "I'm drunk" and you can excuse yourself by getting drunk. The feeling of floating is naturally relatively happy, but the feeling of floating is the result of a fantasy. Missing that fairy is not always happy, is it?

Second, drinking helps to lose weight. You won't believe it. Ten tendons and nine alcohols are suitable. Let's go to the hotel. Now many women in the market have an indissoluble bond with "wine". You see, there is a slight beauty standing in the hotel, a great beauty sleeping in the hotel and a great beauty sitting in the arms of the hotel manager. Want to lose weight, sleep standing or sit! After all, I have been close to having wine for many years.

Third, in an experiment, scientists put a bug in a cup full of wine. At first, the bug struggled, and then it died. It can be inferred that friends who drink alcohol will never have bugs in their bellies.

I have talked about many benefits. If I am not clear about them, I will feel at ease if I leave a few thoughts, and people with high understanding will appreciate the truth. Attention, Cao Min's brilliant communication method says, "Smoking is good for your health, drinking is less troublesome, gambling is good for your mind, fighting is good for your fists, robbing is good for long-distance running, and online games are tired (all night). Please feel free to consult me if you have any questions. Address: southeast and northwest corner of space. Hotline: 57403838638 (please add the word' Universe' before dialing, or you will call the global village).

Finally, I want to introduce my courage and fearless spirit.

Once I was arrested by the police and they hit me. Later, I rushed out (rushed out of the police station), picked up a stone by the roadside, and rushed back (rushed into the police station) ... In an instant, there was "fight, you fight!" Fuck! Kill it and forget it ... "A call came from the door of the police officer's house from time to time:" Stop fighting, stop fighting, stop fighting ... "

Finally, I limped out (my foot was abducted), and passers-by saw that I was black and blue and asked with concern, "Hey! How can you hit the police! Isn't this asking for more happiness? " Not to be outdone, I boasted, "Where is it?" I'm hitting myself, and I'm going to kill them to see if they dare to hit me. "He continued to shout," Hum! They are a bird. Last time in America, more than 20 big men hit me 10 hours without knocking me down. Others asked in surprise, "God! What is this? " I replied cheerfully, "Hang me on a pole to play. "... on the night of Labor Day, the introduction was over. Your smile is my purpose. With your support, you will become my God (because you are a customer).

? Someone has seen this article in his station, and I interpret it as: I am standing under a pseudonym: someone who dreams of leaving. )

Work-related terror laziness (hilarious)

My nickname:' scary slacker'; It is inevitable that some young people are lazy, but then again, young people today are not lazy and will get married in the future. How can they be lazy? Laziness means being too lazy to feel at ease like me. Well, as the cult says, get down to business. ...

I am so lazy that others regard me as' waste'. It's just as well. I've been thinking all day, how can I get the nickname' one in a hundred'? Shouldn't lazy people be looked down upon, even left out and rejected? ... After all, people will change! Laziness is not innate, is it?

Not to mention my laziness, I think it is difficult for everyone to understand why, so I will simply list it.

One; What young people are afraid of is washing clothes

Generally speaking, I only wash clothes once a month, but there are preconditions; In my spare time, I will go to the market to buy clothes. No matter whether the clothes are good or bad, you can win by pulling, but you can't get what women wear. Pay attention to this. A dress and a pair of trousers are called a set. When the number of clothes purchased reaches 15 to 16, the activity stops. Then wear it for 2 days, that is, 48 hours, and then throw it aside (even if the first day is dirty, stick to the deadline). When washing clothes, find three vats and put them together for a big wash (capable friends can also ask for help, but never find a woman, or it will ruin a man's dignity). So wear one set every two days, and probably need 15 sets in January. And my condition is 15 to 16 sets, so I only wash clothes once a month. Really comfortable, cool and smart!

Second; Taking a bath, under normal circumstances, I don't take a bath unless the country has a mission, or I suddenly become a spy, and so on. In short, in order to make a change, I will consider running to the shower room, turning on the running water and rushing down from the beginning. Don't bother with soap, shampoo and so on. As for the so-called' shower gel' in the world, I hardly know it. If someone suddenly gives it to me, it's hard to say that I will drink it in front of the drink.

Third; Some people's favorite-sleep, there is a saying: lazy sleep, lazy sleep ... so sleepiness can also be classified as laziness. I always disobey my boss at work. After January, I will be late for work in the morning and will still be late for work in the afternoon. I get a 20% discount when I get paid, which makes me go to bed with half my salary. (look up at the sky and sigh! If I have a job that can satisfy my sleep, even if I only have enough food and clothing and no money to reward me, it is hard to say that I will be willing to work hard for it. For this reason, I have often contacted some pajamas sellers recently, hoping that they urgently need to recruit talents to advertise pajamas. Because I firmly believe that I should put on my pajamas to advertise.

Interpreting jokes (humor) from idioms related to works

I am very happy today, so I will analyze some idioms for you here. Because I often see that many people often ignore their original intention, which is really regrettable and sad.

As I said above, I am famous for "nonsense". Translate this nonsense first. Its original intention should be to divide each word into two halves, namely: "ancient, moon, sigh, hold, head and go." Please connect them and read them. In homophonic terms, it can be: "Don't leave me like this." I don't think anyone can understand it without giving an example. For example, "a man who gave you a lot of money is still waiting to see, calling you a prostitute and asking you to sell it to him." Of course, you might say, "Nonsense." In fact, what you mean is: "Don't be casual, just leave." Ok, let's get down to business. The following statements are all nonsense.

First of all, say "cut to the chase", which translates into the same word: "cut to the chase." This idiom may come from primitive society. Let's say "infinite power", or translate the same word: "great power, and rich, not poor at all." This idiom says, "Once upon a time, there was a man with great strength. He is strong and rich, and he is not poor at all. " What do such people do? I never imagined it. Just give him a hermit!

"All your wishes come true", which is troublesome, and you have to spell translation; A "heart" doesn't need to be disassembled. The "image" is first disassembled into "eighteen eyes" and then translated into "eighteen eyes", which can be said to be nine people, because eighteen eyes are nine pairs of eyes. Needless to say, when things are done, things are over. If you have nine people working together, you will succeed in everything. If anyone doesn't believe me, he can find nine friends to work together to do anything, even if it is robbing a bank, it will be absolutely successful-he was caught.

"Everything goes well," translated from the same word, "that is to say! Ten thousand things can be equal to one hundred million dollars. " For example, "You did something for someone, and that person gave you 10,000 yuan. What? If you do 10 thousand things, it should be 100 million yuan. " Besides, "throwing a brick to attract jade" translates as "throwing a brick and turning it out will attract jade." I don't know the specific reason. Maybe that's how Yu and Zhu 'an got along.

It's time to talk about avalanches. This idiom may have first appeared in the period of earth change. Still the same word: "avalanche!" They all fell into the sea. " ; " Colorful, "the word goes:" Five colors, ten lewd. "(reflecting that five women are taking a bath and ten perverts are peeking. )

Yin Xiaoshi is big: "Small Yin is bigger than stone." It reflects a woman sitting on a stone.

Strike stones with eggs: "Strike stones with eggs." It's about a man climbing on a stone. Finally, if we want to say "perfection", we can also score one word. "All" can be divided into "people" and "king", and the king is the emperor. Ten kings chose ten beautiful women. This is a natural phenomenon. This idiom may come from an imperial era in BC. ) well, it's time to call it a day. I know that these statements can be said to insult these idioms, but my purpose is only to make everyone happy. My king, I am happy between heaven and earth. How can the world be the best? If you really want to blame me, cut me to pieces. Yes, this "chess piece", "I was wrong in the end, and now I want to explain. A thousand knives are a thousand broadswords. What about ten thousand? That is, 10,000 people were laid off. Ten thousand people cut ten thousand people with broadsword. This reflects that there are thousands of people who survived the victory in the war era and tens of thousands who were cut down by them. )

Postscript; The laughter ended on May 2, 2007117: 00, 4 1: 23. Venue: China, jimei district, Xiamen, Fujian, one corner of Xinglin Customary Entrance (I don't know whether it is a town or a township, I just arrived) (I don't know what the road is), Wu Tongyu Internet Cafe, No.35 computer on the second floor, computer model XX. On the second floor of the Internet cafe, there is a female shop assistant about 1 m on the left. She is wearing clothes, trousers and yellow clothes, which seems to be black trousers, with a work card hanging on her chest. I doubt that people who see this place will think I am wordy, but I am not wordy. (Hehe) I am alone sometimes! I like to eat Chinese cabbage, lean meat, eggs, rice, etc ... My body is not very strong, except for skin and bones, half eyes and short ears, a flat nose and a small mouth, height 163CM, weight 96 kg, long hair, and average years 19. By the way, I'm a man. Usually I still like to wear "flower" clothes, shorts and slippers ... if I don't leave, I will be in trouble.

Work-related Kung Fu Campus (hilarious)

I still remember when I was in junior high school, I especially liked' martial arts novels', and my mind was always thinking. Even if you don't learn it well, the eighteen palms of the dragon is self-taught. Whenever I recall my sad past, I always feel very sad ...

I think, when I was in the third grade, I started school for two weeks, and my books, pens and ink were gone. I always put my books in my desk in the classroom, because I don't think the so-called desk should be Four Treasures of the Study, the so-called desk is not a safe, and the so-called students are not completely good people. So when I saw that you were not in place for a long time, I felt that you were a bad boy. Bad boy's things would naturally not be clean, so it was inevitable to destroy them on the spot. As for pen and ink, to be honest, I didn't buy it. The equipment I entered the school was replaced by sharp tools such as sharp knives and sticks. This truth is very simple! Because the school doesn't teach martial arts, just like the city people say that the air in the countryside is good, and the country people say that the city is bustling and lively; In addition, on some occasions, holding a' sharp knife' and posing with a stick is very imposing. That feeling is what many teenagers rely on, but teachers have to reject it. No wonder teenagers who rely on this feeling want to skip class.

If you go to school and don't care about your studies, a semester will end soon; I made an exception and caught up with the final exam. But the result of the exam was not ideal, because I didn't get all the exams, and I didn't know when other subjects would take the final exam, which led me to get zero in the wrong subject. A few days later, with my report card, I saw that math was eight, Chinese was ten, English was ten, politics was ten, and physical chemistry and art and sports were blank. After careful consideration, I realized that I didn't seem to catch up with the time, but I was absent as usual. Thinking about thinking is a measure! There is no shame. I am strong, but how to explain it to my father is a problem. Do it yourself with a pen. Just perfunctory for a while, and the beating after perfunctory is terrible to think of. Show it to your father! Father is as angry and ashamed as last time. He chased me with a kitchen knife and insisted on beheading, which was also a trouble. All the above are facts, and the following are pure fiction. )

But on second thought, it doesn't matter, because when I was nine years old, I had an adventure with an old man named Qiu, an iron palm floating on the water. Thanks to my deep love, I got a unique skill. I think as we all know, Qiu, the head of the school, is famous for his martial arts and lightness skill (otherwise, how to float on the water). When I was eleven years old, I had completely learned all his skills and was able to use them freely, especially the escape kung fu. My father only learned it once or twice, and then he gave in completely and gave up. As you can imagine, it is not easy for ordinary people to catch me. ..... fantasy, I can't help but think of the exam. ...

"In a fairly spacious classroom, there are rows of desks neatly. I was short, so I was in the first row, the first two seats. I remember that our examiner was wearing a pair of glasses and was weak. I don't know this information. The teacher came into the classroom with a big stack of test papers, and then started from the table where I was sitting. As soon as he handed out the last classmate, I stood up and said calmly, "Teacher, I'm going to hand in my papers. "At that time, the examiner squinted at me and laughed at me:" Who do you think it is? What brings you here today? "He said he had stepped in.

Because he was laughing at me, I couldn't help losing my temper. I giggled and said, "Oh! I'm flattered by the teacher. There's a saying: What begins must end. I didn't come a few days before school started, so I thought the last few days should have arrived. " The teacher's gloomy face suddenly turned cold and said coldly, "It's a pity to have a student like you. You don't have to do it. Get out at once. " I was furious and scolded myself for relying on your eyes. I didn't look at your weakness, but I really want to give you a hard bet. However, I still maintain a calm and complacent attitude. Qingyin said: "Since I paid my tuition and the school didn't announce my expulsion, I can come and leave whenever I want." When I said it, my head was full of smug expressions.

Hearing this, the teacher became more and more angry. Without saying anything, he punched me in the face. He was right in front of me at that time, and it was really hard to stop him from making a sudden move. Besides, I can't believe that a weak scholar dares to hurt people. Fortunately, my dodging skills are still there. I quickly dodged and he missed. I was angry and shouted, "What are you? Don't look at you as a teacher. I'll climb up a few times. Do you believe it? " The teacher wouldn't let me go on, but punched me again; When he punched, I found a situation that shocked me very much, that is, his moves were very similar to the' juvenile' dragon and tiger boxing. As for which trick and which style, I forgot. Fortunately, I can't do it even if I am a teenager. I dodged and he hit the air. Because I was angry, I punched Hei Hu in the chest and scolded him at the same time: "So you are an expert, good! I will ask you for advice this time. "

The teacher turned blue and angry, and quickly flashed my attack and said, "You rascal, you make trouble, come to school." As he spoke, he rushed to the corner of the classroom and grabbed a broom. I waited in front of my eyes for a while, without saying a word, and took a' split Huashan' under my head.

I saw that he was a little afraid to pick up the broom, so he shouted to help him, and then angered him with 36 provocations: "Shit, you broke the broom and wanted to surrender to me. Are you just wishful thinking? " At the same time, he hurriedly "empty-handed" to meet up, holding the lifeline on his wrist. A good teacher is not bad. Even though he evaded me again and again, his mediocre power of splitting Huashan still missed me, who was already a master. I gave up the fight and jumped a few feet away for full defense.

In the first round, both sides were slightly surprised that the other side could have such a temperature, so they stood stupefied for a while and did not dare to attack. You know, the winner depends on one and a half strokes, even if every subtle movement of the other side is refreshing and impossible to prevent, and you can't be distracted at all. After a while, I saw the teacher throw the broom casually, then folded his hands, shook out of thin air, and then suddenly hit me; Perhaps because of the teacher's face, instead of knocking me down with a broom, you might as well arrest me with your bare hands.

I thought in my stomach: What kind of palm is this? I didn't dare to be careless. I gathered God's luck in my hands, drank a lot, and quickly greeted him with a trick of "flying dragon in the sky". I only heard both sides clapping, so I took three big steps back: knock, knock, knock. But when I saw him, he was just full of energy and immediately stood firm. I was shocked to stop treating him as a scholar, and relying on internal strength is superior to convenience. Because of my previous arrogance, I am a little blushing at this time. I took a deep breath and said calmly, "Ha ha ha! I can't see that this school is still crouching tiger, hidden dragon. Hum, if you don't change your name and sit down, you can't change your surname. Your so-called king's role is to ask who you are, why not wait until the king dies? " The teacher was too angry to speak. I saw it was now or never, so I waited for the surprise attack. Suddenly, a beautiful lady flashed in from the classroom door. I stopped at once and glanced at her.

"What does the king do? It's time for the exam. What are you busy with? Don't affect other students if you don't learn well. " The lady who came in was angry with me. I ignored her warning and looked at her face carefully. I couldn't remember such a personal impression at the moment, so I asked, "Who is the girl?" "land! I haven't seen you for a semester, and you don't even know the math teacher in my class. I'm really ashamed of you. " The lady said. I immediately burst out laughing: "Ha ha ha! So he is also a teacher. No respect, no respect! Dare you ask Fang Nian, the geometry teacher? Is there the only thrill? " This is my pet phrase.

The math teacher thought I was flirting with her and turned pale at once. She scolded "damn rascal" and then came up to me and gave me a slap in the face. My head is spinning with pain, and my eyes are shining. I really didn't expect her to sneak attack. "Don't you dare to start work" I shout at top of voice, and quickly slammed the "ice palm" to the other side's shoulder; That's a good hand of mine. If I hit a hard rock, I can split it in half, not to mention this thin young girl, who is useless and disabled. Just when I was complacent, the gesture of slapping had hit the other person's front ... In an instant, a stabbing pain spread from my palm to my whole body. I was frightened, and the result was far beyond my expectation-how did my malicious record blow up?

If you look closely, you can see the female teacher passing by with a tiny steel needle in her hand. It's really hard to find if you don't pay attention. Looking at the palm of your hand again, I saw a hole more than three inches long in the palm, and blood was constantly oozing out. It seems that the opponent used acupuncture in the fight. I was shocked, and suddenly a more horrible idea flashed through my mind: "She uses a needle, but is she a believer in Dong Fangbubai?" . Oh! Have descendants in Dong Fangbubai? Fang suffered a lot today! . "My heart is full of fear, but my face is completely silent. I feel that Brother Linghu has passed away long ago, and Nine Swords of Dugu has been lost for a long time. Now that Dong Fangbubai is back in the Jianghu, the Wulin in the Central Plains will be bleeding again. This time, I can't escape! "

"Rogue, even dare to touch the teacher. I don't think you should set foot in the school gate again. I'll go to the security guard to clean you up now. " Then the female teacher left without holding hands. I was stunned for a while and misunderstood her sentence: "Even the teacher dared to start work. I don't think you should set foot in the school gate again. " I thought she was hinting at me to fight outside the school gate. Don't do it in front of your classmates. Maybe it's because she doesn't want to reveal herself. It is a real person, but it is also a real person.

I glanced at my glasses in shock and thought, "Get rid of these glasses quickly, or I will definitely die on the battlefield when I see Dong Fangbubai go and come back. It's hard to say that I will use the itchy fingers as an excuse to help this eye move and show my skills to help me conquer it. " I stopped talking and slapped my glasses teacher with my hands folded. The teacher who paused was still impatient, so he cleverly avoided it. Because of my impatience, I tried my best to kill him. Seeing this, I was very depressed, so I raised my hand and stormed harder and harder. At the critical moment, several big men suddenly flashed into the teacher's door.

I immediately stopped the offensive and turned to look. I know the man in front. He is my father's old classmate and my head teacher. The two people in the back should be school guards. They said hello before. (They caught him in the security room) The man behind me is the' Dong Fangbubai' I am afraid of. There seems to be another person behind, but I was blocked by several people in front, and I didn't see who it was! I have no time to take care of it. "You see this child, which is what students, it is a rogue, unemployed! It' s hard to see traces in a semester. Now that the exam has just arrived, I' m still afraid that Dad doesn' t have a report card? " The class teacher stepped forward and continued.

I was particularly shocked, but my expression forced me to disagree and said slowly, "Hehe! It turned out that the head teacher's adult came to visit, and I have heard about it. " Then I squinted at the two guards and said coldly, "Hey! Who can't think of such a big fanfare to help, and my king, who has always valued unity, is tired of fighting and killing. Ladies and gentlemen, if you have anything to say, just explain it, lest you have to start again if you can't say three words. " Because of the general trend, a pair of glasses is enough for me at present. Adding a Dong Fangbubai will force me to be captured eventually. Just in case, don't say anything else. If they want to help catch me, I will catch the weak first. If one of them doesn't lose money or make money, the two will make money. Why not?

At present, the situation is always unfavorable to me, so I will first stabilize the situation with good words and then consider the way out as the best policy; "hopeless hobo, don't wake up, ah! When will you grow up and understand! " After a pause, the head teacher said, "If you don't control yourself, you will always play around. Let your father clean you up. " I almost passed out when I heard a bang in my brain. At this time, the security guard and the head teacher who had been in sight had wandered away, and the last person appeared, only to see him in his forties, with a full face of lost face at this time, as if to fight. This man is my father. "Bastard, bastard, don't go home for a few months, you always say make up a missed lesson at school, are you really making up a missed lesson? If Mr. Wang hadn't called me, I wouldn't know what you were doing all day! " Father glanced at the teacher apologetically and said, "kneel down at once and apologize to the teachers."

I'm already a little shaky, and I'm planning a strategy. I didn't listen to my father's language, thinking deeply and thinking deeply. Seeing that I shouldn't, my father suddenly ran up to me and said sharply in his ear, "You are dumb. I told you to kneel down." A slap woke me up and hurt me. At that time, I wanted to pay him back immediately, but later I thought, this is my father after all! . Father said fiercely, "I told you to kneel down."

Chivalry forced me to die rather than kneel, but I dared not disobey my father, let alone touch him (to be honest, I couldn't beat him at that time). I don't want to be disloyal, unfilial and unjust (Italian) that the world hates. And if I don't listen to my father, it's' infidelity'. And if I touch him, it will be regarded as' unfilial'. If I just obey his orders and let others kill me, it is called "unintentional"; Neglect is meaningless, and a fair death is the glory of a lifetime.

For this reason, I have been anxious for a while and have been thinking for a while. After that, I felt that the tide had gone. Only doing nothing is the best policy, so why do some tasteless struggles? ..... I was going to run, but I chose the right time to start and let everyone find out, so two guards quickly blocked the door, and the class teacher and my father were responsible for holding me down. I ran from left to right and ran like a fly in the classroom. Suddenly, the classmates in the class shouted with them. A close friend cheered me up and said, "Don't be afraid, big brother. A gentleman can bend and stretch. I'll take them back this time and come back later. " ; Individual students who have been bullied by me are different. They shouted, "Take him alive, take him alive ..." I fainted. You can't catch those who don't survive, so you catch them in front of the dead …

Originally, I had an iron palm that allowed the elderly to float on the water, but after all, it was' floating on the water', that is, floating on the water, but now it is on land, so it can't be compared ... After more than ten minutes of hard work, I never escaped from my clutches and followed my father out of the campus like a soul. My nose is still bleeding. Although a few people are pressing me, I'm absolutely sure it's my father's credit. My feet seem to be lame, and I walk with a limp. Although the situation was extremely critical at that time, I could see that the person who kicked me was also my father.

Looking back carefully now, it is actually such a thing: the classroom is spacious, but if it is used to make me escape, it is like beating a dog after closing the door. This dog should always run fast. However, as long as he was locked in the house, he still ran fast ... when I was dragged, a fist flew out of thin air and hit me on the nose. In a trance, I heard a voice: "Oh, come on, children should be educated in many ways ..." The voice came from the head teacher, so my conclusion is that others just helped me a little, and it was my dad who hurt people with bad words ... All these clearly show that the school can't accommodate me. In the second semester, I was sent to another center ...