When you are in love, you should know how to update each other in time.

When you are in love, you should increase your "irreplaceability"

The secret of keeping close

Seeing many cold marriages and long-term feelings around them, some people will despair of long-term feelings. Will all relationships become stagnant and lifeless after a long time? Robert Jeffrey Sternberg, a famous psychologist, put forward triangular theory of love: Love consists of three basic elements: passion, intimacy and commitment. Passion will fade with time, and commitment may not remain unchanged for a hundred years. But intimacy and attachment will become more and more powerful and irreplaceable in our active cultivation. In a long-term relationship of several years or even decades, intimacy is an element that zui can strive for. Next, I will talk to you about two key words in a long-term relationship: sharing and response, based on decades of empirical research by Dr. John gotman, a famous American expert in love and marriage. Let's talk about the first keyword today: sharing.

Sharing is a connection with others.

0 1, sharing in intimate relationships.

Sharing is an important source of our intimate relationship and represents the connection with others. According to the degree of sharing between a person and different objects, you can judge the position of the other person in your heart. Think about it, we generally don't share anything important or personal with strangers casually: we may occasionally talk about unimportant things with colleagues and ordinary friends, while we may share our fragile and dark thoughts and thoughts that can't be put in the sun with real close friends or close partners.

We know that the other party will keep my secret and accept my idea completely. It is our nature to know that the other person is on my side and show intimacy by sharing. For example, when we were young, we would hold our good friends and quietly say to ta: I'll tell you a secret. Don't tell anyone. In this way, we are on the same side and our relationship is closer than others.

Cross-border of heterosexual friends

Having said that, I want to talk about a topic that bothers many people: should I be jealous of a person who has a good relationship with the opposite sex and has a close chat but has no cross-border behavior? Am I too narrow-minded? Share a story: S's boyfriend has a girlfriend for many years. S didn't care at first, but later found that boys often talked with girls about some new ideas at work, favorite bands, depression after quarreling with S, and even the girl asked him to wear lipstick on that business trip. S was particularly angry, but her boyfriend blamed her for being narrow-minded, saying that the girl was a friend and never did anything wrong to S. What depressed S was that after reading all their chat records, she really didn't say anything ambiguous or do anything out of line. S is angry but unreasonable, so he is particularly depressed. She couldn't figure out why she was so sad that her boyfriend didn't cheat, as if she had been betrayed.

Tell each other what you think.

The degree of sharing between S's boyfriend and his girl makes S feel that they are close. This intimate relationship has nothing to do with commitment and physical relationship, but it makes S feel that it has encroached on the important position in her boyfriend's heart. Therefore, it is normal that our object is blue Yan besides us. Even if there is no substantive misconduct, I will still be angry and uncomfortable, which is also the embodiment of exclusivity in love. So I think you have the right to be angry in the face of this matter. You can tell each other the special significance of intimate sharing to intimate relationship. You also need to make it clear to the other party how you want this matter to be handled. As for how to find a mutually comfortable solution through communication, you can look through my previous notes.

02, love map.

In love, the intimate connection we share is visualized, and there is such an interesting concept: love map. In a relationship, we all have a map about each other in our minds: it stores the bits and pieces of each other's daily life and the changes in his spiritual world. He wants a cup of milk tea. Do you know what flavor he wants? You can tell him how annoying the boss is and how boring his colleagues are; You know, deep in his heart, he always had the shadow of being dominated and controlled by his mother when he was a child. You know each other's goals and expectations, and you know each other's deep worries and fears.

How rich and detailed this map about each other is represents how well you know each other. Dr gotman called it a love map. Do you still know him? Does he still know you? Do you know what he learned? Does he know that you have new ideas about work planning? A love or marriage relationship, even with passion and commitment and no intimate sharing, is actually an illusion.

Cultivate the habit of close contact

Just as we have seen many parents' marriages, both sides have no desire to quarrel, leaving only the indifference of mutual concern. I've met many couples, too. In the evening, one is watching a drama with an ipad at home, and the other is playing games in front of the computer. They don't meet at work during the day and don't communicate at night. Although they are still in contact, it is obvious that the two sides are no longer close.

This loss of intimacy never happened suddenly, but was caused by not developing good sharing habits. If two people don't consciously form the habit of keeping up with each other's life and psychological state at the beginning of communication, then in the long-term communication, we can easily fall behind in the daily necessities and busy life, and in each other's spiritual world. Once the spiritual level of two people has been lost, it will be very difficult for us to reconnect one day. The smartest thing to do is to update the love map in time.

The habit of sharing anytime, anywhere

03. Update the love map in time.

No matter how busy and tired your work and life are, it is important to share with each other in time, so that you can see each other's changes and needs in time. Updating the love map in time can not only make your intimacy and attachment to each other stronger and more irreplaceable, but also play a protective role when the relationship encounters pressure and impact. Statistics show that the birth of the first child is often the first major challenge and pressure faced by young couples.

The data shows that nearly 70% of couples have experienced Waterloo, because they have to deal with much more housework than before because they are not adapted to the new role, and they are physically and mentally exhausted, and taking care of their children is even more contradictory. But the remaining 30% couples are getting better and better instead of getting worse. Why is this?

Share the pressure by sharing.

According to the survey data, these couples have always loved to share and update love maps in time. They share the pressure through sharing, and accurately understand each other's needs at different times through sharing. Only by knowing enough can we provide effective support according to each other's needs. This ever-developing deep connection turns the challenges in life into opportunities for us to get closer. In a long-term relationship, if we don't keep the habit of sharing, we will gradually lose our ability to be intimate. Any changes and difficulties in life may make two people who have no tacit understanding break up at any time. If you want to manage a long-term relationship, no matter what stage you are in, you should realize that sharing and updating each other's love map in time is something that we must consciously work hard for intimate relationship.